to fear that's a lot of hours?

[MrsHuxtableReturns]

(I've copied this from Chat as nobody wanted to comment.)

I'm just about to go back to work (granted only 1 day a week) and I'm having a slight panic.

I'm alone with the DC for 45 hrs a week. During these hours I don't get much done other than the odd bit of housework as my 2 under 3s are fairly demanding. DC1 doesn't nap anymore so there's no break during the day.

I then study for 25 hrs a week and now I'm also working out of the home again for 8-10 hours a week. I'm running and doing a half marathon in a few months so I need to commit 5-8 hrs a week for training. Granted I don't have to do that but I need it for me.

So that's at least 85 hours of my week already accounted for. Before I've watched a film or had a soak in the bath or whatever. It seems like a lot to me and I've just had a slight panic attack that I won't manage but I'm not sure. Is this a lot? I'm also sleep deprived which probably doesn't help...

I think your relationship with DH puts a different complexion on things.

Yes, it really does.

My original post was based on how you could achieve most and have a happy life.

But you are a few steps away from a happy life, so I think that means you need to focus on what will facilitate ending your marriage and supporting yourself and your children best.

So - which is more important to that - job or study?

Is there an option of increased hours if you left?

Is the job in any way related to your field of study?

Cinnabar is right - if the study isn't going to help you find work, then it probably shouldn't be a priority now.

And you are NOT lazy. Your husband is only saying that to undermine you, it has no credibility. As for your mother... I don't know, but she sounds very out of touch.

As someone pointed out earlier, you are trying to do 9 full work days per week. That's not what lazy people do.

Yes, I agree with the babysitting idea being really good. I will have a look around to see if there's any demand in our town.

I will also put my feelers out in terms of swaping childcare with another mum occasionally. I just find it hard to imagine that anyone would want to be in charge of 4 toddlers/babies for an afternoon...

I've just thrown together a curry for dinner in a few minutes while making lunch. A double portion too. I think that's how I need to do it. Find easy, quick, healthy veggie recipes that I can already make while making lunch.

And maybe it's ok for DC1 to watch a film or something while DC2 naps to give me an hour of study time in the day. They don't usually get a lot of screen time.

If I find some strategies to make life more efficient I think I'll be able to do it. I just had a major panic yesterday as my boss turned up to plan my return to work. It just crept up on me, the end of ML...

I think you are taking on a lot, too much but your marriage dictates that you get yourself into a more employable place.

If your DC2 is old enough to be wrecking the living room then I'd suggest that you should seriously consider ending the breastfeeding. Certainly wean him/her off any overnight feeds as a matter of priority as it sounds like you need all the good quality sleep you can get.

If you can get more sleep, and get to bed with lights out by 10pm, you could consider getting up at 5.30 / 6 and getting some study in before the kids are up and about. Easier said than done if they are early risers though.

Make a plan for the housework - it simply has to get done during the 45 hours a week you spend with your kids even if that means less "activity time" for them. Put together a rota for yourself so that you dont get to the end of the day and think "shit, I was supposed to park the kids in front of cbeebies for 20 mins and hoover like a madwoman. If you have a travel cot, break it out and use it as a playpen if necessary to contain the mess/risk while you run around.

Trial the new job for a month and keep your eyes peeled. What opportunities are there to take advantage of internal training? Are there admin jobs that everyone hates doing that you could take on on a Saturday. Trick is to show willing and get yourself into a stronger position internally so it's not just about increasing your hours [which there is little point to if it doesn't cover your childcare costs]

Does your family income exclude DC2 from any free hours?

Your mum / husband sound deeply unsupportive. Is she retired? Next time she has a go, can you ask her to come for a week to look after the kids so you can head to the library and cram ahead of your exams. Get her to put her money where her mouth is or STFU. Same goes for your husband. He presumably gets at least 20 days a year off plus bank holidays. If he has three degrees, he presumably has a good job and probably more than the statutory holiday allowance. Can you build in at least a study day a month? He takes a day off or two half days when there is no bank holiday; and you disappear to library or he takes the kids out all day.

The running is for you - if you can't run with a buggy [hardly "me time" is it] then I'd suggest that you eat with the kids and head out as soon as they are in bed and DH is slaving over a hot iron.

Your new salary doesn't cover childcare but it has to be at least minimum wage - if DC1 is in nursery a few/5 mornings a week, can you pay someone minimum wage to babysit DC2/take him/her to a toddler group for at least 2 of those mornings? Nursery workers are paid peanuts as far as I can figure out, and are often on shifts.

I know it depends on the kids but you really should be able to do plenty of house work and cooking during the day when you are with the DC.

I used to deliberately ignore my DCs for a few hours in the afternoon. They were not nappers but I got them in the habit of having quiet time when they watched movies or did quiet play and did not bug me. At other times I would exercise them and give them my full attention.

I know it's easier said than done when they are really little though

I think it also helps to tackle housework very decisively rather than half heartedly dojng little bits here and there. It's hard work but having little kids and a house to run is hard work!

Online supermarket shopping, batch cooking and lots of to do lists help too.

Ignoring two toddlers for several hours sounds extremely unsafe to me.

Maybe she doesn't want to be that kind of mother?

I could most certainly not ignore mine for even ten minutes. Dc1 is not 3 yet and while she has some common sense, she's well 2 and gets funny ideas about what is appropriate and safe. DC2 is not 1 yet and while I don't think that DC1 would kill him anymore, like it could have happened easily when he was a tiny baby, it's certainly not safe to have them out of my sight for any length of time. Like I said, I can see how they can play amongst themselves in a years time but for now they simply can't.

It's also not a new job I'm trying, it's my old one I'm going back to and there's no scope for progression. However, it pays money, is a short walk from my home and my boss is fair and understanding. If I was to become a single parent tomorrow I'm sure I could increase my hours as needed. That's why I'm staying there. We're not in a big city or anything so there isn't a big choice of jobs.

No, we don't qualify for free childcare for DC2 and even if we did, that's only from 2 and he's not 1 yet.

As for Dh's job. It's not well paid and he's always only on temporary contracts. He can be flexible to some extend but then he's also expected to do work in his free time/holidays etc.

My mum is ignorant as anything but no, she's not retired. In fact she's so unhealthy she doesn't even manage to look after both DC for ten minutes while I'm in the same house. Maybe that will change as they get older and she can just play with them.

I like the idea of finding someone who could take DC2 to a morning activity while DC1 is in nursery (once she's starting). I will keep that in mind.

Maybe my children are just unusually out of control, even if I didn't think so. They both started walking at 8 months and climbing onto stuff well before 1 year so keeping them safe is a full-time job when they can physically do stuff but have no sense of danger yet.

They don't sound unusually out of control to me.

I would never leave a 2 year old and a baby unsupervised.

Having early walkers does make it even harder I think. By the time my lazy arses got up on their feet it didn't take more than a few days to get steady. (They were Late Walkers, though).

The trouble with walking so early is that there is s long period when walking is still quite unsteady, with all the extra supervision that needs.

Yes, I remember the horror when DC1 started pulling herself up to stand at just 6 months old when we were staying with my family for a holiday. They had marble floors and my baby kept falling from a standing position on the back for her head. There was nothing I could do about it other than hold her constantly. I really thought she was going to get permanently damaged...

Ok - from your description I figured that DC2 was closer to 2 than 1. It's a bugger that he's dropped his naps though. Could you try to reinstate now that he is walking? Run his little legs off in the morning and get him down for a solid two hours at lunch time. It would give you a bit of time to get things done at home. Possibly help with the overnight sleeping too. My two are horrors when they are overtired. I imagine that DC1 will be happy to sit and have some quiet time after a morning at nursery?

Or does it sort of work in your favour and they are in bed with lights out at 6pm?

Unsupervised was never a suggestion from me but if they had been 3 & 2, I'd risk 10 mins of Sarah and Duck in exchange for cleaning the bathroom with the stairgates on. My sister had twins with an 18 month old and she had to pop her in a travel cot with some toys on and off all day just to be able to take a shower or make up some feeds.

Do you have anything like a Jumperoo? My DD2 was an early walker and it was a godsend. You only ever get 10 mins at a time but you can at least do something like get some food going on the hob when you have a small one that just wants to be vertical all the time. At almost 1 they are too heavy to carry around in a sling while you hoover imo.

As for Dh's job. It's not well paid and he's always only on temporary contracts. He can be flexible to some extend but then he's also expected to do work in his free time/holidays etc. In his shoes to be fair to him, I'd be pretty stressed about keeping you all afloat financially. Is he stressed out of his mind with a bad case of sneery say the wrong thing or is he just genuinely a cock do you think?

Maybe establish if you would be better off financially as two separate households?

All I was looking for was appreciation from someone that I am not in fact lazy and sitting on my arse all day (like my mum and DH like to tell me) and how I can make it all work practically.

No you are NOT lazy. You really shouldn't need strangers to tell you that. You really need to sort out your dh and dm. Good luck.

It's not right that your husband is effectively forcing you to do a 6 day work week (5 days childcare, plus one at work).

But he is effectively working 5 days then 2 days of virtual full time childcare, so it's not a walk in the park for him either.

I think when you actually go back to work and this planning becomes a reality, it will hit you both hard.
I think if you work for one day in the week rather than the weekend, then although you won't be better off, you will keep your hand in with the job and both you and dh will get a break at the weekends too. Perhaps babysitting money will make up the difference, especially as you can study when your charges are asleep.

I really can't see how it is sustainable unless you do create extra time from somewhere for both you and DH. Nobody would willingly take on two extra children but they might do if they get childfree time in return. This is your best bet.

I haven't read the whole thread (sorry!) but based on your first couple of posts OP, YANBU. I'm exhausted just reading it all.
FWIW, I work full time outside the home (45 hours a week ish) and haven't had a bath for over 3 years (I do shower, obviously!). Nor would I have the time or motivation to study and do marathon training on top of work.
Good luck!

Yes, DH is no doubt also effectively working 7 days a week. The only difference is that he has evenings to himself once the DC are in bed and of course he gets a long lunch break etc at work.

It is no doubt stressful for him to be the main earner I would suspect. However, he is making the choice of staying in the sector he's in instead of changing to somewhere where he could get a permanent position (which is possible) in order to do his dream job. I'm glad he gets to do that but the price is shitty pay and uncertainty with a lot of expectation from his employer.

So I think it's 50-50. Dh is stressed but he's also horrible to me because he doesn't get the love and affection he wants which is my fault. Anyway, I see his point of view.

It's DC1 that dropped the nap, not DC2, though he always manages to do it at awkward times when it's not very much use to me. I think a stricter routine is in order. I let DC1 watch some series while DC2 napped earlier and I got a decent bit of work done. And the cooking worked today too. I have a couple of weeks to get us into a routine that works.

I'm grateful to anyone who's commented with constructive suggestions btw and I'm taking it all in.

I'm not sure if we'd be financially better off as 2 separate households, possibly, but that's not a factor at all for me. Whether alone or together, I need to get myself into a position where I am financially independent.

Babysitting plan is absolute genius.

Getting house stuff done in the day is all well and good but the problem is that looking after children and studying can't be multitasked together.

Your DH and DM sound really belittling and... Please remember this because it's important... WRONG. Anyone who studies seriously alongside another main job has to be dedicated, and to do it shows real character IMO.

I have to say I think that the not being able to get anything done when you're alone with the children is a bit disingenuous. Plenty of single parents are alone 100% of the time and manage to get things done. And historically when you look back women who had much more physically demanding childcare, a lot more children and less help from their husband's managed. So I think your Mum and DH might have a point.

Because I am wondering about your DH. In all honestly if you're at home all week but he's out working and when he gets home you expect him to do all the childcare and then when you get a free moment you just walk out of the door and go for a run then I can understand the bloke getting pissed off. Particularly as it sounds like although you've scheduled time for yourself to run you've not scheduled any time for his leisure or spending time with him.

Also, be honest, is he managing to get the housework done at the weekend while he has the kids with him? It sounds like you are expecting him to do that by the sounds of your schedule.

This is Mumsnet and women tend to get an easier ride on here. And this is one of those cases where I think any woman who posted saying 'My partner is a stay at home Dad but wants me to do all the housework and expects me to do 100% of the childcare when I'm not at work and never spends time with me preferring to go out running alone'. Well there would be a chorus of LTB.

Anyway, I really think you are taking a big risk it sounds like if you do this you will either mess up your studies or your relationship will end. And if your relationship does end then all the housework and even more of the childcare will become your responsibility so you will probably have to cease studying anyway.

And historically when you look back women who had much more physically demanding childcare, a lot more children and less help from their husband's managed.

They "managed" at far greater risk to their children who in many cases were left wandering the streets by themselves all day, often with younger siblings in pushchairs, also not supervised properly.

But what brilliant advice - women have been traditionally expected to do more work than they could feasibly cope with, don't be getting uppity and complaining. Your job is to keep your husband's house, not keep your baby and toddler safe.

I think having small children is hard on both parents. Many women report they go back to work for a break. I don't think the OP is lazy.

However things probably aren't that great for her DH either. He is mean as a result, so she withdraws into studying and running.

Tbh OP I think you both could probably do with giving each other a break.

When I said I ignored my DC for a couple of hours I wasn't suggesting they were unsupervised. I meant I set them up to watch TV or do quiet play. If I was cleaning the kitchen I would set them up at the kitchen table - it was hardly child abandonment

Im sure I wasnt ' That kind of mother ' as hinted at by BathtimeFunkster

What I tried to do was to get away from the kids thinking they could bug me continually. I WOULD give them lots of full on attention some of the time and then I'd leave them to it at other times. I tried to get them in the habit of being happy to occupy themselves. As I said earlier I know it doesn't work for all kids.

You are definitely not lazy. Sorry to hear your relationship isn't good.

Being ruthless, how likely is your degree to lead to better employment? If not all that likely, that might be the thing to stop for a while. If the degree should lead to a good job all being well then perhaps ditch the dead end job and focus on the studies?

Is there any scope for employment that would earn you more money, if not right away but within a few years?

I've never met a baby and toddler you could set up at the kitchen table and they would stay there and let you do housework uninterrupted for hours.

You can maybe get half an hour out of a toddler at that game, which is best reserved for getting dinner cooked (and as much other kitchen-based chores as you can squeeze in around it.)

Where have I said please that I expect DH to do all the housework??? Either at the weekend or at nights?

Btw, DH also doesn't get housework done when he has both DC. It's not just me.

And like I said DH has plenty of leisure time. He choses to spend it in front of the laptop watching films, I run. He has leisure time every night from 8 til he goes to bed at 12 or whenever. As far as I can tell he's happy with that.

And honestly, my mum having a point about me being lazy???

If you had read my thread airmingers you'll find that I don't wish to spend any more time with my husband at this point and that yes, I might end up a single parent. I don't think I'd have more to do then tbh, it would just be spread differently. It would certainly give me more study time not having the DC with me 100% of the time.

And I have nowhere said that it isn't hard on DH. I have asked for ways to make things easier.

Yes, my studies will lead to better career prospect. There's no way in hell I'll drop it. There also aren't any better paying jobs around for me that would be doable around the children. And the job is not negotiable either. It's just how it'll have to be for the next couple of years.

My mum thinks I'm lazy because she was a single working mum and the biggest victim you can imagine. Yes, it's hard being a single parent, never mind working but what she fails to mention is that all her childcare and housework was done by my grandparents. She used to pick me up after work and I was fed, ready for bed, laundry done and ironed for her ready to take home. We went home, I went to bed or later played by myself and then went to bed while she watched TV. I know what it was like. She wasn't the martyr she makes herself out to be now.

So because I'm not working out of the home, I'm lazy.

That's nonsense Capsium. Some mother's may have done that, not all. And you're ignoring the other part of my post. Plenty of single mothers cope with two small children 100% of the time. Perhaps sometimes they need to do some chores and let them play on their own own or watch a bit of TV. Maybe they don't want to be 'that kind of parent' but they don't have a choice?

My point is, if you want to be the kind of parent who focuses 100% on your children and isn't happy to distract them to do chores that's fine. But it sounds like the OP is expecting her husband to facilitate that by skivvying around after her. It also sounds like she is expecting him to do housework and childcare at the same time even though she isn't willing to do it herself.

I'm confused why he should be expected to juggle childcare and housework when the OP apparently can't.

I have to admit, I have small children and study about the same amount of hours per week but work 2.5 days per week. I'm very lucky with my DH because he does childcare about 75% of the time evenings and weekends. But in exchange I do about 75% of the housework during the week.

I'm sorry but I don't think it's fair for either partner to be made into the others skivvy because they've decided they 'don't want to be that kind of parent'. It's not a matter of not being able to, it's not wanting to. Plenty of other people manage it, including by the sound of it the OPs DH.

Again aermingers where have I said I expect DH to be my "skivvy"???

I have not said that, not even implied it.