to fear that's a lot of hours?

[MrsHuxtableReturns]

(I've copied this from Chat as nobody wanted to comment.)

I'm just about to go back to work (granted only 1 day a week) and I'm having a slight panic.

I'm alone with the DC for 45 hrs a week. During these hours I don't get much done other than the odd bit of housework as my 2 under 3s are fairly demanding. DC1 doesn't nap anymore so there's no break during the day.

I then study for 25 hrs a week and now I'm also working out of the home again for 8-10 hours a week. I'm running and doing a half marathon in a few months so I need to commit 5-8 hrs a week for training. Granted I don't have to do that but I need it for me.

So that's at least 85 hours of my week already accounted for. Before I've watched a film or had a soak in the bath or whatever. It seems like a lot to me and I've just had a slight panic attack that I won't manage but I'm not sure. Is this a lot? I'm also sleep deprived which probably doesn't help...

The running is leisure time though really isn't it?

But yes, it's a problem that my weekend study day is not uninterrupted time. Our home is too small for me to shut myself away from the children totally and I need somewhere with internet access. I'd considered studying at my neighbours or somewhere else but I've not come to a satisfying solution yet due to the internet thing.

And can I please say that I'm very grateful I get the time with my children that I have. And while it's not a choice because my wages wouldn't cover childcare, it's how I want it anyway.

Yes, the running is leisure time. That still leaves 80 hours then.

That sounds very sensible op with your relationship on the rocks. Have you thought about seperating though as it doesn't sound like a good situation.

OP it sounds like you enjoy a lot of your pursuits so I would try it. Although I would also try to work on doing something about your marriage too.

Can DP be in change of the kids when he gets in on weekdays? He can do baths and bed maybe?

Yes, I have thought about separating. I do all the time. IT's probably one of the main reasons why I'm so keen to push this all through now in the fastest time possible and not stretch out the studying further.

It's funny, when we argue DH's favourite put down is how I'm a quitter because I dropped out of my first degree and am now doing a minimum wage job. But now, I'm studying again he keeps saying how that is my little fun project and I'm using it as an excuse why I don't get more done in the home and that he maybe should be doing another degree too (he already has 3). Like I've made my bed by being a drop-up and that's what I should stay now.

I need to say though that DH is good in general with doing chores too and he helps with bathtime and mostly puts one DC to bed but DC2 is still breastfeeding a lot, more again now after a bout of serious illness, so he needs me for his bedtime and is still attached to me (literally) for quite a bit.

He's not stopping you studying though, or is he? Ignore his comments.

Half marathon training can be done on 2 short (40-45 mins) runs and one long one (60-90 mins) a week. You do not need 8hrs. I'd say being able to get out three times a week when you're studying and have 2 small children and a p/t job is pretty good and enough to clear your head, keep fit and feel you're doing something for yourself.

Well, no, he's not physically stopping me from studying but the constant rants can make it harder to concentrate during the time that I do have.

I think it depends whether you see your activity as work or leisure.

I don't think so.

That's just semantics really.

Everybody (and every brain) needs some unscheduled hours to wind down, do some thinking, do some of the tiny tasks that need to be done but never get scheduled.

Based on your latest post, Mrs Huxtable, I'm wondering why you are working on a weekend day?

If your marriage is rocky and your husband is insisting you work, then work in the week when he works and pay for childcare, and study on Saturday.

Or insist that when both members of a couple work, childcare has to be paid for and pay for a day's childcare during the week so you can study.

TBH if your relationship is so hostile that there is no ability to be co-opeartive about how your time is shared, you'd probably find it easier to do all this if you brought an end to it.

Go to the library to study.

OP that is a lot of commitment.

I was going to say that you can make it work providing your DH is on board and you really want all these things.

But having read your posts about your marriage, I'm wondering if they are displacement activities to a. bolster your self esteem and b. to ensure you don't spend any time with your DH.

I don't work on weekdays because what i would earn would not cove childcare costs. And no, seeing it as a joint financial responsibility doesn't make it cheaper. Household income is household income.

I'm not studying in the library as it's a) not open on a Sunday and b) doesn't have a wireless internet connection.

And yes, my activities are partly to boost my self-esteem. The running is anyway. I know how I feel when I run and I feel that if I can manage the half-marathon, I can manage anything.

The studying is to improve my and the children's situation. I am in a foreign country with no family besides DH. What will our life be like if I really find myself as a single parent here without a home, degree, decently paying job and family support? So I see improving myself as a necessity.

I'll do my spreadsheet today. I also think I need to de-clutter as the sheer amount of stuff we have in a small space is just causing more work. And buy a slow-cooker or something.

I think you really need to think about the work thing.

It's not right that your husband is effectively forcing you to do a 6 day work week (5 days childcare, plus one at work).

He seems to be doing everything he can to fuck up your studying - interrupting you, forcing you out to work at the weekend when you can't earn enough to cover childcare.

In a healthy relationship you would both recognise that your time is more valuable than that minimum wage job.

I presume you are not in the UK, but if you are have you looked at what you would be entitled to if he left?

To be absolutely frank with you - in your place I'd focus my attention on either improving my relationship or getting out of it. Either will take time, thought and emotional energy.

Definitely keep working. If your relationship does end then it's in everyone's best interests that you can support yourself financially. In fact, could you as a family afford childcare so you could work more hours? That might make it easier for you to get your foot in the door.

I'd also prioritise study if there's a clear employment goal at the end. If it's study for personal enjoyment then I'd consider ditching it and did what your DH says.

One final thought - do you think that you might be filling your days to avoid spending with with your husband?

Yes, I am in the UK. And we's I've looked at what I would be entitled to if he left. We'd be ok IF our landlord was to keep me on as a single parent which is highly doubtful. And the being ok would also only be temporary while the children are young enough for me to get some benefits. It's not a long-term solution obviously and I'd only see it as temporary help until I can support us all by myself.

My relationship can't be improved. Well, I think our everyday dealings with each other can but I don't think the marriage can be saved long-term. So I've analyzed it from all angles and keeping going with my degree is the way to go.

And no, as a family, we can't afford childcare.

All I was looking for was appreciation from someone that I am not in fact lazy and sitting on my arse all day (like my mum and DH like to tell me) and how I can make it all work practically.

And yes, I prefer not to spend much time with my husband but I don't think I'm creating activities to avoid it.

I can sympathise. I'm a SAHM who works 25+ hours per week evenings and nights. I feel like my head is going to cave in.

You are absolutely, categorically, definitely not lazy.

My 3 were all pretty high demand as babies and toddlers too - it's only now the youngest is 3 that I can get on with chores for any length of time. So I completely get why you can't get much done while looking after them.

MrsHux I think most posters on this thread recognize you are not lazy (at all). If it is any consolation to you I am far lazier.

Your husband and mother are just wrong. If they cannot see their error you do not have to prove it to them - a large part of seeing involves proactively looking. I went through a bit of this with my in laws. I just stopped engaging with the conversation, eventually they gave up.

You say your everyday dealings with each other can be improved, so I would aim to do that. It will make life easier. And if your activities take you away for a bit it might actually calm the situation and give you time to think.

You need some survival mechanisms to get through this. It's a great plan, but as others have said, it has no leeway. As you've mentioned, the study is your key to a better future. You really need to prioritise that.

Working 1 day a week is your way to getting your husband to stop hassling you, so I guess that isn't possible to stop.

Would your husband be willing to do sole care 2 evenings a week? You could leave when he gets home, and head to the library to study. I know you said your youngest breast feeds of an evening, but I would change to bottle feeding (express or formula) to do this. It is WELL worth it. Get yourself an internet dongle, and you will have Wi-Fi wherever you go. Even locking yourself away in the bedroom or somewhere quiet might do.

Or, see if you can find someone to help with childcare a couple of hours a week. There are probably some gap year students who would love to do a 2 hour stint, once or twice a week. Use that time to lock yourself away and get some study done.

A possible idea - offer your services as a babysitter during the evening. Then your DH would see you as earning money and would be willing to do sole care of the DC that evening, while you get quite time (usually with wi fi!) to do some studying. Win-win!

I think your relationship with DH puts a different complexion on things. If you are just marking time, then definitely concentrate on what will keep you going if and when you do separate.

You need to prioritise from that perspective and be prepared to let something go if necessary.

If your DH is not supportive of study I do not see how he will be persuaded to be "lead parent" for chunks of time to enable that study to happen. Is there any chance of playdate swaps a couple of afternoons a week? My friends and I would do this, not as an ongoing regular thing but for a few weeks to give the other a chance to get on with something specific (like an assignment).

ps ^^ babysitting idea is genius.

I would drop something. Either the running or the breastfeeding or the weekend job. It all sounds like a disaster waiting to happen at the moment.

In fact I'd drop the running and the breastfeeding and the weekend job, and focus really hard on the studying, so that you have a qualification and can be self-sufficient if/when you need to be.