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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask parents of only children...

96 replies

thatsenoughelsa · 06/01/2015 21:02

Do you regret not having any more children?
What in your opinion are the best and worst things about having just one child?

Before we became parents, DH and I always imagined that we would have two children. Now we have a 14 month old DD and she is without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to us. We have been talking about whether to extend our little family and we can't seem to make a firm decision. I am 30 so we don't exactly have to get cracking on baby number 2 right away but we don't have all the time in the world either. We are about to put our house on the market though so we need to decide whether we are looking for a house to suit our current family or one that we can grow into.

We are a very happy unit of three. We are both quite contented with the way things are. We aren't desperate for another child but we're worried that if we don't have another we may regret it one day or that DD might wish she had a sibling when she's older.

I know that people can be a bit funny about "only children" and that there seems to be an assumption that they will inevitably be lonely or just a bit odd. I know that this is a load of rubbish because I'm an only child, I had a very happy childhood. I had a very happy childhood, never longed for a sibling and I don't think I'm too odd . However, I had a lot of cousins that I was very close to growing up (and still am) whereas DD only has one cousin, on DH's side of the family, and we do not have much to do with them for reasons I won't go into as that's a whole other thread! When I mentioned to a friend that DD might be an only child her response was "aww, what a shame for her" which made me feel awful!

Would we be depriving DD by not giving her a sibling? Do you feel that your DC has suffered in any way as a result of being an only child?

Would really appreciate your views and experiences

Thanks

OP posts:

Rebecca2014 · 08/01/2015 15:15

I have one but I am a single parent so who knows what happen in future but if I do end up with just my daughter, I be fine with that. As long as we were close when she's an adult otherwise I would have regret.

rumbelina · 08/01/2015 15:40

I have one, if I'd met DH earlier maybe we'd have two - we did have time to but not much. As it is I thank my stars every day to have DS. I didn't think I'd meet anyone in time to start a family and I also have friends who missed out so no regrets in not having two as one is a privilege. And he is lovely :) :)

magicpixie · 08/01/2015 16:14

it's very odd how some people are so judgy about one child families

hellsbellsmelons · 08/01/2015 16:17

I only have one and am more than happy with my decision.
She has plenty of cousins and even a half sister now so it's all worked out fine and dandy! Hopefully she will get have a relationship of some sort with her half sister at some point.

muminhants · 08/01/2015 16:20

I am an only one (though with a much older half sister but I never lived with her, my dad married twice and she is 21 years older than me). My son is an only one as well. I don't regret having stopped at one, although one of each would have been nice. My son always used to say he wanted an older brother which would be difficult to arrange without a TARDIS! But not younger and definitely not a sister!

My husband is one of 4. They are not close at all and hardly ever meet up except at Christmas or occasionally Easter.

So I think it totally depends on the family. Some siblings are close and always get together and cousins play together etc, but others do not. There are no guarantees that siblings will get on.

A few years ago I read a book by Rebecca Abrams where she said that 50% of parents found one child easier than multiple and for the other 50% it was the other way round!

I've never quite understood why it's "selfish" to "only" have one - having a baby is (or should be) a big well-considered decision. 9 months of pregnancy, the financial consequences, impact on your career, none of it is minor. We are all different and will come to different conclusions.

notonyourninny · 08/01/2015 16:20

Dh an only and was always desperate for a sibling.

HolyTerror · 08/01/2015 16:28

Adult 'only children' often like the idea of a sibling more than they would the unvarnished reality, I suspect, like many relationships that often look rosier from the outside. Much as I (the eldest of four in an overcrowded house without enough space, food, money or parental attention) sighed to be an only child. Fantasies of equally sharing the burden of parents' decline and death and having shared rosy memories with imaginary siblings aren't the reality for a lot of people.

I have a wonderful two year old son, and he won't be having a sibling through my choice. People who make 'lonely only' remarks get short shrift from me.

popcornpaws · 08/01/2015 16:36

We have one by choice, and i have never regretted it.
There are no negatives at all in having one, in my opinion.
Just because you might have lots of cousins etc means nothing as there are no guarantees that you would be close or friends anyway.
Do what you feel happy with, we love it being the three of us.

Kewcumber · 08/01/2015 16:39

I am a lone parent with an only child.

Not by choice - I would have preferred two but was seriously ill when my application to adopt a second being considered so obviously couldn;t be considered. By the time I was in remission for long enough to be reconsidered I took the difficult decision not to go ahead because by then I was 47 and the process potentially takes 2 years and I wasn;t sure I wanted to start again at that age.

There are pros and cons - it has been way easier dealing with ds's issues in school last year without having to divide my attention with another child. But I do worry about him lacking in support when I'm aging and he has no siblings and no cousins close in age.

But its up to me to make sure I am taken care of to the best of my ability and to plan for that and as others have said to make my home open to his friends.

I have a friend who is not an only child but lives a long way from her sibling and parents and frankly they are more of a drain on her than a support and I have taken note of what a good support network her friends have been to her over the years.

livegoldrings · 08/01/2015 16:47

I have an only and it has both good and bad points. In an ideal world I think I would like more as I love dcs, but dh doesn't want more and we both have some health issues that put me off a bit. Dd actively doesn't want a sibling, she is always telling me how she hates babies.
There have been times when dd is lonely and it is hard to find a friend to play with, however it is not always the case that dcs enjoy playing together. Parents often have to work hard at the relationship between their kids or they can be very jealous and fight with each other. So it is not necessarily easier.
I do play with dd a lot, but I wouldn't say she prefers adult company, she likes to be with her friends best. So I am glad she seems normal in that regard. Now she is older she likes to spend quite a bit of time alone, but I think this is just her personality - DH and I are both quite introvert who like some alone time too. She likes to play in her room and listen to music, or paint.
I think my advice to the OP is to give yourself a chance to change your mind. You can make any number of kids work if you are positive about it and look for solutions to your potential problems.

Myfourblondies · 08/01/2015 17:05

I am an only child and I hated it. I had the dance lessons, private education, pony and tickets to shows etc etc but I would have given it all up in an instant for a sibling. I think family holidays were the worst times for me as I had to make a real effort to 'make friends' else be lonely. I worry now that my parents are getting older that I will be left to deal with their increasing health needs alone (selfish, I know) and wish I had a sibling to share this with. I saw cousins at weekends when I was younger but again they were all part of a sibling pair and I felt like an outsider. This is, however, only my experience. This experience has led me to have 4 children of my own.

angstridden2 · 10/01/2015 08:37

dorasee · 10/01/2015 08:54

Our DC1 was an only child for 8 years. I was a divorced mum of one when I remarried and at the age of 8, he became a big brother. He now has 2 younger siblings. Swings and roundabouts as others have said.

What do I miss? Being able to do the whole "Let's see Santa!" "Let's go ice-skating!" "Let's go stay in a seaside B&B for a few days over Easter" whims. I was able to manage and afford loads of activities, days out, and we had so much one on one time. That's the plus side of life for only children.

What have we all gained? Well, so much more! A tight-knit family, a crew. I loved having one child. I love having three. Whatever you choose to do in the end, you will love it and never regret it. I hope!

My son LOVES being a big brother and ADORES his siblings. He is awesome with them. But he does miss our one on one time which has never really come back. But other good stuff has taken its place. I always wanted lots of children, so for me having 3 kids has been brilliant. But I know lots of only children and a lot of my friends who have been only children are very happy, well-rounded people. I don't think you miss what you've never known, do you? I never had a sister. But I don't miss that! I don't know what it's like. I have brothers. If I were an only child, I don't think I'd miss having siblings.

Love is all a child needs... only children, children from a family of 6... they need love and support and nurturing and they will stand tall in life.

Fedupmuch · 10/01/2015 09:08

Pros and cons like everyone else says. I've 3 children and I sometimes feel it's hard to get one to one time with each of them. Something that I also thought about when deciding to have more children is me when I'm older. If I end up needing cared for I would be less of a burden having that care/company shared between three kids rather than one. I also hope when eventually I die they'll be there to support each other. I'm a very deep thinker though!.

angstridden2 · 10/01/2015 09:19

I have written on this subject on similar threads; I am an only and was fine with it until probably around 11, mainly because there seemed to be several onlies in my small street and we played together. However from that age I realised there was a lot of emotional pressure focussed solely on me by my otherwise lovely parents.

My DH has several siblings; they are all still close and we all try to meet up whenever possible. I envy him this, although I get on well with them. When my parents became needy, there was just me and I felt so guilty when I went on holiday or couldn't stay with them as working FT with small children. I have two children; they bickered when younger but they are close still as adults and I know that they are there for each other. I wish I had had more, but finances didn't allow this.

If medical or other reasons mean you only have one child, then they will of course be fine, but I would think about it. Onlies can be quite lonely especially as they get older strangely enough and I can attribute quite a few of my issues to being an only. However I suppose in fairness I might have an entirely different set of issues if I had siblings I didn't get on with!

Notnaice · 10/01/2015 09:46

It took me until I was 19 to really appreciate my dsis. I can't imagine life without her now. The bond is very strong.

ScrabbledLeggsAndToes · 10/01/2015 15:19

I am in similar position to you, op. Reading this thread is interesting.

TiedUpWithString · 10/01/2015 15:29

I have an only child. My mum is one of 6. She does all the care for my grandmother while the others do nothing or the bare minimum so having siblings does not equal being able to share parent care. Also, the money you save not having more children could be put away to help finance care when elderly. Presuming you need care of course.

DD says she wants a baby to play with. She goes to full time nursery and gets that! She does light up when her cousins are around and I so rites feel sad for her but she's a very happy little girl who makes friends easily and gets a lot of our attention. Also I am happy to play with her a lot (when not one tired as I am right now and Mr Tumble is babysitting!)

SuedeEffectPochette · 10/01/2015 15:34

There is quite a good book on this subject "Selfish reasons to have more kids" which I found a reassuring read which advocates, amongst other things, being a very laid back (non-interfering) parent, which I struggle to implement but wish i could. That might help you make a decision.

bigbluestars · 10/01/2015 16:32

I grew up with a distant relationship with my sister. She was 6 years older than me. I remember feeling like a total pain in the arse to her when I was growing up. She left home when I was 10, emigrated a year later and has lived abroad for 40 years, coming home neither to help me bury our father nor to look after our elderly disabled mother.

TooManyMochas · 10/01/2015 16:48

We chose to have a second child despite finding the baby phase incredibly hard with our first (love him to bits now though - I'm just not good with under one year olds!). For me some of the things put forward as 'pros' regarding having an only child are actually 'cons'. I don't think its necessarily a good thing for a child to be the sole focus of their parents' attention. I think having a sib will help DS1 learn to co-exist and compromise as he grows up and it'll be good for me not to have the temptation to 'over-parent' him - otherwise it would be too easy for me and DH to let our little universe revolve around him.

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