AIBU to ask parents of only children...

[thatsenoughelsa]

Do you regret not having any more children?
What in your opinion are the best and worst things about having just one child?

Before we became parents, DH and I always imagined that we would have two children. Now we have a 14 month old DD and she is without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to us. We have been talking about whether to extend our little family and we can't seem to make a firm decision. I am 30 so we don't exactly have to get cracking on baby number 2 right away but we don't have all the time in the world either. We are about to put our house on the market though so we need to decide whether we are looking for a house to suit our current family or one that we can grow into.

We are a very happy unit of three. We are both quite contented with the way things are. We aren't desperate for another child but we're worried that if we don't have another we may regret it one day or that DD might wish she had a sibling when she's older.

I know that people can be a bit funny about "only children" and that there seems to be an assumption that they will inevitably be lonely or just a bit odd. I know that this is a load of rubbish because I'm an only child, I had a very happy childhood. I had a very happy childhood, never longed for a sibling and I don't think I'm too odd . However, I had a lot of cousins that I was very close to growing up (and still am) whereas DD only has one cousin, on DH's side of the family, and we do not have much to do with them for reasons I won't go into as that's a whole other thread! When I mentioned to a friend that DD might be an only child her response was "aww, what a shame for her" which made me feel awful!

Would we be depriving DD by not giving her a sibling? Do you feel that your DC has suffered in any way as a result of being an only child?

Would really appreciate your views and experiences

Thanks

DD is nearly 14 and other than a brief period of wanting a 4 year old sister when she was 5, has never expressed any desire for siblings and is now quick to correct anyone who makes the mistake of suggesting she's missing out by not having brothers and sisters! We don't have a close-knit extended family, in fact no contact with DH's side and her 2 cousins on my side are both babies. Nevertheless she's perfectly happy, very sociable and easy-going. I think going to nursery from 6 months (normal at the time) and having to go to summer clubs etc. has probably helped. She has never needed much of our attention but now she's a teenager it's lovely when she chooses to spend time with us. I am still young enough to have more kids but TBH I have absolutely no desire to do so and no regrets about only having one child.

Neither DH nor I have close relationships with our siblings for myriad reasons. I've been struck over the past few years by the number of friends who I always thought had great relationships with siblings seem to be falling out or are actually quite distant. Ill health and death of parents seem to be the trigger in several cases so I definitely take the idea that having siblings will make caring for elderly parents easier with a pinch of salt.

Thank you so much for all your thoughtful replies.

I definitely share the view of many of you that siblings won't necessarily end up "sharing the load" when it comes to caring for elderly parents (I am almost certain that when anything happens to PIL, we won't see DH's sister for dust) so that has never been a consideration for us.

I seem to change my mind about this on a daily basis, which is unusual for me as I'm quite a decisive person. My biggest fear is that we'll have a second child, not because we desperately want one but purely to give DD a sibling, and the two of them will hate each other. I know people who adore their siblings and others who can't be in the same room. I suppose that's the gamble you take.

My BIL told me I would be selfish if I only stopped at one, and rather than brush it off as him being opinionated, his words rang in my ears for years!

I saw my FIL live to his 70's as an outsider his whole life. He was an only child and very lonely because his Mum was always in hospital and in those days children weren't allowed on wards like they are now. So his situation isn't the normal and maybe he's have been more secure if his Mum had been there for him (through no fault of her own). But even as an adult he was an outsider because his children ganged up against him, sometimes playfully and sometimes seriously, but I saw the pain in his eyes many times.

He often talked about his longing for a sibling. I didn't like the idea that a child would grieve me on its own, and blood is thicker than water and I preferred the idea that there would be a sibling who would remember the family history of what Mum was like as what holidays we had in their childhood, that sort of thing.

We worried about holidays and even bough our first is a social creature, we soon realised that if we wanted him to have a friend on holiday then we'd have two children to look after anyway, so we might as well have our own so we can employ house rules and not worry sick over losing someone else's child! Obviously DC have their separate friends to play, but short term seems quite a lot different than a 2 week holiday.

Having said all that, when I agonised over whether to have another, I asked friends who were only children what they positives and negatives were, and they seemed to think it was ok. I noticed they relied heavily on cousins who they treated like siblings, so maybe that helps?

Now I have two and it's really right for us. We enforce sharing and it's hard work but it does work iyswim. In sure given half the chance they'd fight tooth and nail but we don't allow them to. It's lovely when they giggle and play chase together, there's a uniqueness that I think is special. Don't get me wrong, DC play and giggle with their friends, but they also fall out and need sharing enforced!

So, each to their own. But for me I changed out of the "only" camp and I am glad I did

I don't regret only having one (she's only 5 but I don't want any more).
I'm an only child too, never wished I had a sibling, had no cousins and a very dysfunctional broken family. as an adult I have no close family members at all but I still don't wish I had a sibling.
I also know lots of people who have siblings who never see them or don't get on.
something I read on mumsnet once was that you shouldn't have another child for an existing child and I agree.

I love having just one.

I'd not have another just to give him a sibling. There's no guarantee they would get on and spending one to one time with more than one child means a juggling. There's no activity he can't do whereas friends with more than one can't do everything and going away is easy as lots of places easily sleep three.

I have a close friend who has 4 and their house always seemed a riot but in fact the dad was a control freak and they couldn't wait to leave and 3 of the 4 now live abroad and the youngest is at uni and he still comes home a fair bit. None have been home at xmas in 2 years and they don't seem particularly close either although I thought they were as teens etc M=No guarantees at all

I hope this is ok to post here. I had pretty similar feelings to you - always thought we would have 2 DC but then felt life was really good when DS got a bit bigger and it didn't make any logical sense to have another except to give DS a sibling. I did struggle with it as I thought it was s rubbish reason to have another baby and we'd be much better off financially as a family of 3.

In the end we went for it and when DD arrived I had a really strong feeling that our family was complete. I think if you think about it too much having more than one child is illogical but you want the family size that you want - be that 1,2,3 or more. I hope that makes sense but for us we're really enjoying seeing the relationship develop between our DC. I can imagine a life with just the 3 of us though and I'm sure we'd be happy just like I can imagine no DC and going out for dinner, lying in, going to the cinema....

I think there's pros and cons (DS is 5 and in not expecting again).

It's been great utterly spoiling him, and doing amazing family things that would be more difficult it we had more- all going on the rides together at water parks for instance

But

It's always been a bit of a tug on the heart strings when he hasn't already got that buddy to play with at play centres and on holidays! He always has to make an effort to make friends and as they usually already have their siblings to play with they seem to be a bit more clicky!

That should say I'm NOW expecting again

DD18 is an only, not through choice. However, she's enormously sociable and still has friends from playgroup. She also has vast flocks of first and second cousins. We've taken friends on holiday, which worked pretty well.
Conversely, I'm one of four, and all I remember is conflict. I'm closest to my youngest DB, but we talk seldom.

I.have an only child, DD 7. After miscarriages and IVF I'm just really grateful that I have a child at all. It never occurred to me to want another.Pros are time and money to spend on her, no fighting with siblings, easy arrange childcare. I know she might one day wonder what it would be like to have siblings but I know so many people wgo have poor relationships with brothers and sisters to think that family harmony can be guarunteed.

Gosh my spelling's way off tonight.Apologies!!

Letmeeatcake, congrats! How does your DS feel about the prospect of a sibling after having you all to himself for 5 years?

I am an only child and suffered terribly with loneliness as we lived quite rurally. I still have quite bad social issues now and wish I hadn't been the only one, as I'm sure it would have helped make me a bit more socially aware.

I have one DD (6) and we won't be having another.

I am only 25, and so I hear a lot of 'Oh just wait until you're older! You'll change your mind.'

But I won't, and neither will DH.

DD has life threatening health problems, which put enormous pressure on all of us. We do manage to just about scrape enough energy and time together to take trips, have a little time to ourselves and still enjoy our lives. With another baby in the mix, there would be none of that - plus there would be the risk that another baby would have the same health problems.

We love having DD and we regularly say 'we got a good one!' - she is fab, very chilled out and loving. We really enjoy 'spoiling' her and looking forward to having lots of adventures with her at every stage in life. She actively doesn't want a sibling. DH and I both have half siblings, but with 10+ year gaps, so were effectively 'onlys' in our own way. And neither of us are close to our siblings.

Also, we were very young when we had DD - and we are proud that we've managed to give her a good life. I've had to choose to work from home, due to her health problems, but I've managed to carve out a great career. So we do look forward to the fact that by our mid 30s, we will have more freedom to pursue independent interests.

We do find though that people find it acceptable to comment on the decision not to have more 'Are you not worried she'll resent it when she's older?' and 'Oh it's lonely for her!' It's absolutely not. I don't think the woman who said this to me, who just had her 5th baby with little in the way of supporting it, would take kindly to me saying 'Oh god, you're having another baby? That's a terrible idea!' But you develop a thick skin.

Good luck with what you choose.

I only have the one, a ds, and I don't regret it at all. I hated being pregnant and while I adore my ds I am not an earth mother in any way shape or form. my ds is happy and well adjusted and always has been. he's never asked for brothers or sisters.

this being said, he has a lot of contact with other kids. he goes to nursery and my dp (not ds dad) has 3 kids all around ds age. myself and dp are engaged and one day they will be his step siblings. he loves them. but I think he would have been just as happy on his own.

I am very happy with one child. I have the time, money and energy for him. I have never really wanted any more and after a hard time getting him (conception, pregnancy and birth) I am gratedul for what I have . DH definately doesnt. My son in his lifetime (he is nearly 7) has only asked about siblings a couple of times and I think on balance he is happy without them. I have worked very hard to make sure he isnt tied to my apron strings though and has socialised as much as possible. We went to loads of baby/toddler groups and activities, and now he is at school he goes to lots of sport and other activities. I have always worked but tried as much as poss to work around him but he went to nursery, and goes to after school club so he mixes with kids of all ages. He has no trouble mixing with older and younger children and adults alike. I think the temptation may be to spoil him but again we have worked hard not too and he has had pocket money since about age of 5 so that if he doesnt think toys grown on trees!! His teaching assistant has said that he is not a typical only child, he can share, play on his own and does not demand attention all the time. So we mus be doing something right.
However I do worry that we may end up being a burden to him but given the relationships that me and DH have with our siblings - personally I think brothers and sisters are seriously over rated!

We have one DD. We did try to have another (I'd only have wanted one more) and were unsuccesful. It was very upsetting at the time but now we are really happy with the way things have turned out....which is just as well really isn't it?!

The worst things about only having one are that dd sometimes says she feels lonely and would love someone to chat to at night and muck about with at other times. Because of where my wider family live she is often the only child at gatherings and that can be a bit boring for her. I sometimes worry that we over analyse her behaviour/difficulties/anxieties where if we had another child she would not be so under the microscope. I feel she has missed out on the experience of having a sibling.

The best things are that I feel as if I am the best parent I can be. I didn't have to take the chance of having PND again which I am VERY pleased about! I feel happy, rested, not stressed out and feel like I can cope on a day to day basis with parenting and working part time. Our weekly timetable (hobbies etc) is manageable and we never feel run ragged. If dd needs our time and attention she can have it. One of us is almost always around to talk to her and do things with her. We have loads of time to chat and if she is upset about anything we can give her our full attention and help. Our house is very calm and happy, there is very little conflict, obviously we have the odd row but not like when I was a child and my brothers just fought constantly! As she gets more grown up we are able to do more grown up things together without having to worry about a little brother or sister becoming bored or upset. Dd is generally a very happy, settled, secure, enthusiastic person. I honestly would say our quality of life as a family is excellent. I really would not want another child now, even if it were possible for us to have one and on balance my Dd says she is happy as an only child 99 % of the time too.

I would just add that we have both made a very big effort to be welcoming to Dd's friends so that she has lots of company and a wide social circle. She is far from isolated and knows that her friends can come over pretty much any time.

I have one brother 13 years older than me so barely remember him from my childhood. I rarely see him now and can honestly say he's been worse than useless as a sibling, ( although we do exchange Christmas cards & meet up at the occasional family event ) so although I'm not technically an 'only' I might as well be. I must say though, I would have loved a sister.

I have one son btw, he is lonely sometimes but we literally couldn't afford any more.

I grew up in a large boisterous family that most people would call ideal. But I'm no longer close to my siblings having moved continents away. I don't think I even want kids of my own. People all end up with different priorities and don't necessarily want what you think their own childhoods have shaped them for. I would have been perfectly fine as an only child!

We have an only son (now 23). He never wanted siblings and is lovely and well-adjusted.

Gok makes a good point about being welcoming to friends of an "only". We tried very hard to ensure that our house was considered a good place to hang out. We also chose a house with lots of kids nearby. DS's life could have been a bit lonely if we had lived in a house in the middle of nowhere.

My mum was an only (born 13 years after her parents married so I am guessing not through choice) and she was always very sad about it, esp once her parents passed on as she has few people to share memories of them and her childhood with.

I was one of 2/3/4 (complicated family set-up) and now have 2 children of my own. I think my mum's wish for a sibling really influenced me, plus I was a very shy child and relied enormously on my brother to ease me in to social situations. Anyway, I always, always wanted more than one and would have had more than 2 if dh had agreed. My 2 play and fight and I am quite certain that their lives are tremendously enriched by being a sibling.

But at the end of the day I do think it depends on the personality of the individual child -I can picture ds1 as a perfectly happy 'only' whereas ds2 would hate it.