AIBU to ask parents of only children...

[thatsenoughelsa]

Do you regret not having any more children?
What in your opinion are the best and worst things about having just one child?

Before we became parents, DH and I always imagined that we would have two children. Now we have a 14 month old DD and she is without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to us. We have been talking about whether to extend our little family and we can't seem to make a firm decision. I am 30 so we don't exactly have to get cracking on baby number 2 right away but we don't have all the time in the world either. We are about to put our house on the market though so we need to decide whether we are looking for a house to suit our current family or one that we can grow into.

We are a very happy unit of three. We are both quite contented with the way things are. We aren't desperate for another child but we're worried that if we don't have another we may regret it one day or that DD might wish she had a sibling when she's older.

I know that people can be a bit funny about "only children" and that there seems to be an assumption that they will inevitably be lonely or just a bit odd. I know that this is a load of rubbish because I'm an only child, I had a very happy childhood. I had a very happy childhood, never longed for a sibling and I don't think I'm too odd . However, I had a lot of cousins that I was very close to growing up (and still am) whereas DD only has one cousin, on DH's side of the family, and we do not have much to do with them for reasons I won't go into as that's a whole other thread! When I mentioned to a friend that DD might be an only child her response was "aww, what a shame for her" which made me feel awful!

Would we be depriving DD by not giving her a sibling? Do you feel that your DC has suffered in any way as a result of being an only child?

Would really appreciate your views and experiences

Thanks

The only negative I can think of is one that both my only child parents are now facing.

Their parents are sick and dying, and that is a large emotional and physical burden on them, without anyone to share responsibility with.

I have an only child and this wasn't through choice - I'd have loved more. At least one more child. On the whole he is very happy, secure and has a lot of fun with us.

The dynamic is different compared to other families with more than 1 child - well the ones I know. We play with him more and it feels like the parental lines are a bit blurred.

He used to mention that he wanted a sibling quite frequently, and I found that heartbreaking. I do think that he was picking up on my sadness that I couldn't get pregnant and as we had never intended to have only one child, he realised that the expectation would be that he would have a sibling.
I would never choose to have an only child, but maybe if we had chosen this we would have approached it with more positivity and he wouldn't have felt like he was missing out.
He is 11 now and never mentions wanting siblings. He has more cousins now and thankfully seems very happy with his life.

I have an only DS and it was fully by choice - no fertility or financial issues. I don't have any regrets at all. I work best in one to one relationships and the dynamic suits me (and DS), and I like the balance I've been able to strike between the different needs of our family. Compromise is rarely needed and resources, including time, are never tight. He's never mentioned wanting siblings, only to say he's glad he doesn't have the kind of arguments his cousins have! I don't think he has suffered in any way now or in the future. We are well provided for.

DS is an only - and is the envy of his classmates!

I will never have to choose which child takes priority.

He makes friends very easily.

I have a friend with 3 and they fight like cats and dogs!

DD is an only and we would have liked more. She would have loved siblings and said so, but later sort of got the unintended payback of fab holidays, etc. etc. that might have been curtailed.

A big pisser at one time was, sorry, some teachers saying publicly how sad it was that DD didn't have siblings. WTAF???? I am a teacher, so doubly fucked off about this.

The whole business of the care of elderly parents getting spread by siblings: forget it. While any responsibility of an only child falls to the only child, there are no guarantees that a bigger family will chip in. A cursory glance at these boards will bear me out.

I am a single parent with an only, and LOVE it. One with one is ideal; I couldn't manage with more.

Having said that if two parents are on the scene, and it is possible, I think having 2 or more would be nicer. But that is just my opinion.

My brother is an idiot who has decided not to have anything to do with me or my mum (long story) so her old age and death will fall to me alone - even with siblings there are no guarantees in life.

Haven't RTWT but completely agree with MoreCrack. We did try to have more (many miscarriages some before and four after), but I am actually really happy with our little family of three and wouldn't change it for the world.

Financially we can afford to do anything for one, but I would be a slave to work for two lots of everything we do/have planned.

We weren't sure about having a second child, but it is the single best decision we have ever made to do so.
They have a 2.5 year age gap. It was hard for the first 12 months but has so so paid off in the long run. Watching the relationship grow between them over the years (not without squabbles) is the very best part of parenthood IME.

I don't have an only child, but I am one myself!

I had a wonderful childhood, was never lonely and had a great relationship with my parents, especially my mum. I don't ever recall wishing for a sibling.

However as an adult, watching a parent struggle with illness and die relatively young leaving other parent bereft, I have wished many times for someone close to share the 'burden'. I can only imagine that this would be even worse if I didn't have a supportive and loving DH. For this reason alone I never wanted an only one.

We have one fabulous dd. I have two siblings and I hate them both, have been non contact for years. I also have cousins and never see any of them (just separate lives, not through any upset).

Dd will never have to compete for our attention and we are able to provide her with a higher standard of living and more treats.

Also, on a sad note, when she was 8 she developed a chronic health condition and I have had to give up work to look after her. If she had to compare herself to a healthy sibling I think it would have been awful for her, and horrible for a sibling to have to contend with the limits this condition places on us as a family.

Not all siblings are horrible and not all only's are fab. Each family is unique so only you can say what is best for yours.

I'm not a parent of only one child, but I have friends who are, and as far as I know, they are all happy that they stopped at one.

My best friend was like you and stuck with one. Now her DS is 6 she regrets it , she feels it's too late. Her comparisons to my two (hers, not mine ) are that my 2 always have someone to play with. They get up together and play, play out, watch the same films, sit at the table doing craft / games to gether. They demand a lot less attention than her only who she feels needs her attention and needs her to play with him all the time.

I have two children. DC1 was very shy, didn't like playing with other children, only wanted me and wouldn't even let her dad hold her or do anything for her. I had Dc2 when she was nearly 2 and I honestly think it was the best thing that ever happened to her. I couldn't give her my full attention so she bonded with her dad and now they are so close.

DD is now 3, DS is 18 months and they are the best of friends. they can also fight like vat and dog but I'm so glad I had DC2. He really brought DD out of her shell. There's more to it than that, but I don't really know how to explain it.

DC1 was not planned (I didn't want children) and so after her I didn't think I'd have any more. But I wanted her to have a sibling.

I know its a bit morbid but I also think about when DP and I die. At least now there are two of them to help each other. Although I know theres a possibility they might not get on when they are adults.

I have nothing against people having one child, just thought I'd share my experience. good luck making your decision.

I have an only DS and it was by choice. He's 8 now and I don't regret it.
He has cousins and one of them is only 10 months older and they are in the same school year. They have a close bind, but when they get fed up of each other, they can go home to their own homes. His cousin is an only as well.
I have a brother but we're not close, and DH is not close to his sister. I think you make the best with what you have. There is no better, just different.

I have DS who is 9, we thought about another but I had severe PND and decided the risk of another bout was too great. The demons might have won a second round leaving two children without a mother.

At times DS has mentioned wanting a sibling, but we have found that a short holiday with his younger cousins cures him of that idea! He realises that having someone to play with doesn't always pan out as he expects- Lego gets broken up, they don't have the same attention span, get fed up with him wanting to be in charge...

I can't imagine having more children. We can encourage DS to do things he is interested in- not things that fit in with the family. One club attended by DS has a family there- the eldest is clearly very good and into the hobby, the younger ones (teenaged) are obviously not, but have been 'encouraged' into it as it is quite demanding and the family can't be in 3 places at once.

We can fit easily in a family room in hotels, grandparents are more able to look after just one, DH and I get time alone while he is at activities- Tuesday night is date night thanks to Cubs.

However, we do make time for cousins, friends are welcome to stay or come to play. DS is often told he must wait and not butt in to conversations, sharing is enforced. Is DS perfect at this? No, but no less so than many other children. I watch families of siblings tear each other to shreds over imagined slights and arguments from long ago and think we're well off out of all that!

I have a 4.5 year old DD who ended up being a bit of a miracle conception considering the fertility issues we have. As soon as she was born started trying for a sibling straight away because we knew it would take a long time, if at all. Well 4.5 years later and no BFP but life has moved on and we are content.

DD loves the attention we can give her and is a confident, articulate little girl whose teacher has commented how good she is at making friends and playing with a wide range of non classmates too. She hasn't asked for a sibling yet despite realising that all her friends have them.

We make the effort to encourage her to make lots of friends - she does two after school clubs and might pick up a weekend one this term. We have friends around as often as possible (although as we are new to the area I'm still working on cultivating friendships with the parents). Once she's older we intend to run an open house with her friends welcome to drop in. We have deliberately moved house to facilitate this from somewhere more remote.

I was one of three siblings and didn't have a great time. My brother and I fought constantly, verbally and physically. My sister and I have too big an age gap to be very close. We won't consider the emotional and financial cost of IVF to provide a sibling just in case they decide to share the load of looking after us in our old age. Firstly, it seems that the burden always falls on one sibling far heavier than the other causing resentment, and secondly we are saving the money a second/third/fourth sibling would have cost us to fund a big chunk of our care. I want my child to be visiting me because they enjoy it, not through obligation and the drudgery of personal care.

I'm not sure I agree with the point of view that having a sibling helps with caring for elderly/sick parents - obviously if all siblings agree and get on well then that's a great help but in some ways it can cause more stress. Our family had huge fallings out over care issues for elderly ILs, it all got rather unpleasant and has never really been 'resolved' even though it was over 10 years ago (and then there were huge wrangles over the will ). Many years go by without the family meeting up now. In my own family I am 100% sure I will do more caring for my DPs than my siblings will and to be honest I would rather just get on with it that argue about 'what's fair' etc etc etc.

Not all families are happy, agreeable and thoughtful when it comes to looking after elderly relatives.

my Dad was an only child and hated it. Two of my best friends are onlys and hated it. They both had two/four children within a few years and we're paranoid about having an only child. I have some very close friends and two sisters. The closeness from my closest friend is incomparable with the unbreakable bond I have with my sisters. If you can have another, I'd go for it.

Loads of benefits to having an only child

i have one DS. As it happened I split with his DF when he was young, so had a few years on my own. By the time I met DH I was past wanting more DC.

However, it worked out fine. DS is fine. We spent a lot of time together - he didn't miss out on anything. He went to nurseries/childminders etc so mixed with other children and made friends.

More recently he has acquired step siblings and half siblings due to me and his DF remarrying - so he isn't alone. ;)

I am the eldest DC of 3 - and don't recall spending much time with my DPs really. Things were different though then, and most DC played with local friends, not so many organised 'playdates'. I don't see much of my siblings really, considering we are all within 20 mins drive of each other - so it hasn't made any difference in that respect.

I think MN is the only place I see overthinking on this. It's just not an issue for us or our ds although he is 20 now and the years when a sibling would have been a playmate are long gone.mwe have always had a pretty open house policy and siblings can be lovely but not always The caring for parents is a concern for everyone and rarely evenly shared. I tend to live in the day though and not look too far ahead or back so don't dwell on this stuff. I know uni students who didn't even want to come back to homes with siblings there and have gone straight back after xmas and my ds is still here and having mates round and cooking etc and is in no rush. Do what is right for you single children are on the increase overall so maybe I years to come it won't be that unusual. There were 11 only children male in my sons class all,through primary and I know the majority as we still live in the area and they seem fine!

sodding- but loads of negatives in that link too.

I have a 3 month old pfb.

I have a db close in age and 5 step siblings. I don't have a close relationship with any of them or my 5 cousins.

Dh has no siblings.

I started a thread on a similar subject not so long ago. It's a tough one and time isn't on my side because I'm a bit older than you op but I change my mind about this on a daily basis and the thread I started didn't make things any clearer in my mind really except I will probably let fate decide in the end.

I only have one child, not entirely by choice. He is 7 now, and we are all very happy. That said, I have no doubt that if we'd have got the second child I wanted, we would still have been very happy, just things would have been different. I think you need to look at whether you and your DH really want another one. If yes, then go for it, if its no, then don't. You can't predict how your DD will feel about a sibling, or lack of one as she grows up because everyone is different.