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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Was I wrong to send this message?

23 replies

Plateofcrumbs · 06/01/2015 05:31

In my late teens (over 15 yrs ago) I had a boyfriend for about two years. The relationship ended with a whimper rather than a bang and we gradually lost touch (we were at different universities).

When I was last in contact with him he was a bit troubled / erratic and periodically I have wondered what became of him. I've never been able to find him online (Facebook etc) and we have no mutual friends.

On my most recent attempt to trace him I came across details of his brother's wedding (google searching his surname + home town brought up a local newspaper link).

I couldn't find any contact details for his brother but I did find that his wife was on Facebook, and so I sent her a message, explaining how I came across her details and that I would love to either hear from ex-boyfriend or hear how he was. That was a couple of months ago and I've heard nothing back.

Was it a weird thing to do to send the message? And am I just going to have to let it lie now and accept I will never know what became of the former boyfriend?

OP posts:

DropYourSword · 06/01/2015 05:38

I would personally find it a bit strange if one of my husband's ex's tried to contract via me!

Original poster

Plateofcrumbs · 06/01/2015 05:40

It's the ex-boyfriend's brother's wife, not ex-boyfriend's wife (I don't know if that makes it more or less weird!)

OP posts:

MrsGeorgeMichael · 06/01/2015 05:44

the message will have went to another inbox and she has probably never read it!

Mumblechum1 · 06/01/2015 05:46

If I'd received that message I would have forwarded it on to your ex and left it for him to decide whether to respond.

Why do you want to get in touch after all this time?

SavoyCabbage · 06/01/2015 05:47

Yes, it will be in her 'other' mailbox where nobody ever looks.

my2centsis · 06/01/2015 06:06

I would find this very wierd!

ithoughtofitfirst · 06/01/2015 06:16

I wouldn't find it that weird. A bit out of the blue though. It's probably that she just won't see the message now.

Finola1step · 06/01/2015 06:20

I would find it a bit strange but forward the message to the person concerned. I wouldn't reply to you myself in that situation.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 06/01/2015 06:32

I have an ex like that, that I'd like to find. I was a bit younger than you and when his Mum died he was taken to live in another country, then I moved and he moved and pre email etc we lost touch. I think of him often and would love to know if he's ok. If I ever found any link to him I'd follow it up.

Similarly if someone got in touch with me in a similar situation I'd do all I could to help.

So no, I don't think it's weird at all, but we might be in the minority?!

Original poster

Plateofcrumbs · 06/01/2015 07:11

In answer to the question of why I want to get in touch - I worry about him, in a way more now than I did at the time (with the benefit of hindsight and without my own early-adulthood preoccupations). He was clearly in a mess. It also concerns me that I can find no trace of him online - he was the kind of person I would have expected to be a Facebook user.

I'm very happily settled in life now, but he was important to me at the time and I'd just like to know if he is OK.

OP posts:

Hatespiders · 06/01/2015 08:24

I understand that you now see his inner insecurities in hindsight and wonder how he's fared, but I'm afraid it's better imo to leave the past in the past. He may have settled down with a gf or even dw and it might cause a bit of worry if it emerges an exgf is trying to get in contact.

I met a young man of 24 on a plane to Canada when I was 17. He asked me out in Montreal and we had a lovely time, meal and film, chaste kiss, then escorted me back to my aunt's house. Never saw him again as continued on to Toronto.
But 2 yrs ago, my sister received an email through professional channels (she's a doc and has always kept her maiden name) asking if she knew me. Our family name is very unusual. It was him, and he said he'd never forgotten me and wondered how I'd fared in life. I'm 70 now! I thought for a bit then told my sis not to reply. I just felt that there was nothing to be gained; after all, 50 years had passed and I'm very happily married. My dh would have been uneasy too. I'm just a bit flattered that I'm so memorable though!

mytimewillcome · 06/01/2015 08:55

Hatespiders what a lovely story! I would be too curious though!

Hatespiders · 06/01/2015 09:25

Well, I'd rather he remembered me as the slim, attractive girl with the thick, waist-length hair and huge green eyes. I'm now white-haired (going bald in parts) too fat, with a wrinkly face and little piggy eyes behind thick specs!!
But I suppose he too could have changed, from the very handsome dark-haired suave gentleman into an old guy with a pot belly and hair growing in his nose and ears!! (and a zimmer?)

Tattiesthroughthebree · 06/01/2015 09:35

I also think the message will be unread in her "other" box.

DrownedReindeer · 06/01/2015 10:15

If it's in her Other box you should still be able to see if it's been read.

This doesn't help any if it hasn't been read, but if it has then you'll know the message has been seen at least.

Original poster

Plateofcrumbs · 06/01/2015 11:46

hatespiders what a great story but I can't believe you ignored the message!

I did say on my message that I just wanted to know how he was doing, not necessarily to establish contact (I have an unusual name and am very easily traced online in my professional capacity so I know if he'd wanted to get in touch with me he could have done so).

But I've just checked Facebook - I don't use it much for messaging, but if it'd been read it would say "seen by..." rather than just "sent on...", is that right? So after agonising about it, looks like it has simply not been read! Argh! Can you delete messages? Now it will drive me mad knowing it's out there unread like an unexploded bomb!

OP posts:

FluffyMcnuffy · 06/01/2015 12:38

I'd find it utterly bizarre if one of my wife's exes messaged me .

NeedABumChange · 06/01/2015 13:10

I would think it unusual but not weird. It's nice, you sound a bit protective of him and worried rather than looking for a hook up. You never know though he may have a crazy jealous wife who thinks you want to steal him away and lots of jobs mean you can't have facebook nowadays.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 06/01/2015 13:52

I wouldn't find it weird, because you knew each other as teens, which to me is more like 'old school friend' than 'ex boyfriend' - unless you were living together and being very grown up.

Some people don't like chewing over the past, though. Someone got in touch with my brother a while back to 'apologize' for bullying him and my brother was really upset by it. Not suggesting there's any reason your ex would be upset, but some people would just not want to look back to that time in their lives.

Hatespiders · 06/01/2015 14:04

plateofcrumbs I did think hard about it, but couldn't see the point of making contact after all these years. After all, I'd only been out with the chap once, fifty years before.
And like fluffy my dh would have found it strange. He trusts me implicitly, but it would have made him scratch his head a bit!

judydoes · 06/01/2015 14:14

I don't think you were wrong. I often think about people that touched my life. But IME, most people like to leave the past in the past.

I don't really. Obviously It's relevant to some things to do that, but your past makes you who you are, tapestry of life :)

Helphelphelps · 06/01/2015 14:24

I don't think this is particularly strange. I often wonder what happened to my close friends at school and like others have said, he doesn't have to get in contact if he doesn't want to.

I actually know what you mean. I often think about one of my exes who i dated for 2 years when we were teenagers. I saw him about 3 years ago in a pub and we had a good chat. It was so nice to see him, but he seemed so blue and lost. He asked me if i was happy and i said yes (i was, generally, back then) and i asked him. I could bloody tell he was lying when he said yes, but i was a bit drunk at the time so didn't probe further. I feel horrible about it.

I would love to get back in contact, just to see how he is.

Original poster

Plateofcrumbs · 06/01/2015 14:37

Hmm sounds like most people are of the "leave the past in the past" persuasion. Am I the only curious person who can't resist 'where are they now?' investigations? I love looking up long-lost school friends, old crushes etc. didn't everyone go through the phase in the first flush of Friends Reunited and Facebook of linking up with people they hadn't thought of or spoken to in years?

This guy just stands out as being completely missing from the online world and I have nagging worry he is no longer alive to be honest.

And just to clarify once again, it's his brother's wife I have contacted. If it was ex-boyfriend's wife I wouldn't have done it as not only would it have been a bit weird, if I'd been able to establish he was alive, well and married I would have been perfectly happy to leave it at that.

OP posts:

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