Wedding - Is this normal now?!

[westcoastnortherner]

We received an invite to a relative's wedding which came with a handy two pages of info, Poem asking for money etc (can't write on here as will be outed!)

BUT it had a couple of things written on the info sheet which perplexed me at bit.

One was that misbehaving children would be asked to leave the reception by hotel management and secondly there is to be strictly NO pictures to social media on the day. They aren't famous, who cares whether the odd picture is posted?

AIBU or is it normal to ask people not to post pictures?

I suspect the bit about children is because Uncle Knobhead lets his kids run riot but they cant not invite them, so MotB probably suggested they put that in so he cant moan when he is asked to keep them under control. We have someone like that in our family and I was very pleased when she decided to go NC with a load of us and I didnt have to invite her to my wedding! Her kids are an absolute nightmare, because she never supervises them, they have ruined occasions many times.

Suppose you are right Bogeyface not everybody keeps their children in check which can be a nightmare for guests. They are basically saying if you won't be responsible for your unruly kids we will, but can you imagine doing the walk of shame after being asked to leave

Weddings are a big deal these days, if you don't get that then obv your not married yet or have been married a long time.

The money poems are done by everyone now & MN should just get over it. All couples live together now & it's no different from a gift list.

Regardless if they are famous or not a lot of money is spent on the day & social media can ruin the impact for other guests which most brides think about.

How do I know all this for a fact? I work for a 5* hotel a a Wedding Planner.... Seen it all!

adoposegirl There should be no need to arrange for any children at weddings (or anything else) to be entertained. They should be taught from birth how to behave. These days, I'd admire anyone who had the gumption to put such a condition, having been at venues where I've had a dreadful time avoiding children with snotty noses, sticky fingers, crawling so I could have tripped over them (visually impaired), running around making such a noise that I cannot hear conversation.

Perhaps the parents were not brought up properly themselves so don't know how to.

My sister- well, I think it was her partner (shared fb acc they have for their dd)- uploaded 40 photos of my wedding to their Facebook account on the evening of the ceremony.

It was a tiny wedding (12 people including us) and I hadn't dreamed that any of my family or close friends would do such a thing so I hadn't mentioned fb at all beforehand.

I have an fb account but don't really use it and never upload photos, I've never once put a photo of DD who is 13yo- so my sister and her partner know my feelings on this.

They didn't tell me or tag either me or DH in the photos. The next day I started getting texts from extended family- "congrats- saw photos on fb". After engineering an incredibly private wedding (which I actually didn't invite my sister's bf to; she just assumed and I let it go) I was pretty furious that all and sundry (I have a large extended family, many of whom I'm not remotely close to but they would be keen to nose around the photos) could see the photos on a completely public fb account with no privacy setting whatsoever. Plus I was 5 months pregnant and quite fat of face so lots of the photos were really awful. Also I was I a dress I would never have chosen if not pregnant.

I sent a text saying that I'd prefer if she renamed the album- she had helpfully labelled it "MONTAGUES AND DH WEDDING IN X LOCATION ON X DATE" and removed any photos of me or of the ceremony. I said obviously they could do what they liked with the photos of themselves outside the venue etc. She did it, but didn't speak to me for a long time and is still cool with me now. She is a complete fucking idiot though. My main regret is inviting her in the first place.

LadyMary - but weddings don't have to be such a drama and expense do they? Obviously it is good for your career that weddings are a 'big deal' but it seems to have all become so commercial these days? Never had such things as 'wedding planners' years ago - unless you were aristocracy I suppose .

Re: the point about children running wild, the parents that have badly behaved children are probably going to ignore the request anyway aren't they?

I hate the money poems.

I think the social media point is completely justified. I was at a wedding recently where I took some lovely pictures of the bride (if I do say so myself) and I didn't post them until well after the wedding and actually, most of the ones I took I just sent to the bride and her sister.

It's a whole new world OP.

Funnily enough, I didn't join Facebook until two years ago and when I was married, a friend posted pictures of my wedding to Facebook so that a mutual friend who was invited but couldn't come (and lives far away) could see them. I was a bit about that to be honest.

I think its all a bit ott obviously ive been married a million years but when I sent out the invites it was just a card with please come to the place on this day we look forward tobseeing you. Last wedding I was at came with an itinerary of the day on a separate a4 sheet including the photo details

Culture is changing. In my culture it would be considered rude to send out a gift list and cash would be preferable. Since married couples have often co-habited, so don't need household goods, money is fair enough and practical. I think the phrase of choice is "no boxed gifts please", rather than poetry. Interesting to see how the tide is turning.

I do wonder if the venue has had issues with unruly children before and has their own rules.

I can understand the happy couple wanting to have control of social media too

My cousin attended a wedding last year, filmed the couple saying their vows and uploaded it to FB there and then. I would have been STEAMING.

I think it is sad that people aren't enjoying the day and would rather be uploading stuff to Facebook.

I think it's fairly normal. DW and I had been together over 12 years by the time we got married, so we needed nothing in the way of gifts.
Some people gave us some money towards our honeymoon, some gave donations to our favourite local charity and some gave a card and kind words. I don't see the problem.

As far as children are concerned, the venue may have rules so a warning is pretty helpful to parents to be honest. At least kids are invited - we only had 6 children at our wedding (BIL's kids and my godchildren who are all early teens who know how to behave themselves anyway). If we'd opened it up to all DC's then we'd have had dozens running all over the place as most of our friends have multiple children.

Facebook - I too loathe it with a passion and am not on it, neither is DW.
We asked for no social media and people were fine with it. We aren't celebrities and yes it might seem a bit precious but I don't care! I don't want photos of the most romantic, meaningful day of my life plastered all over the internet, or an awful shaky Iphone video of me fluffing my vows on youtube thank you very much. I had a hard enough time getting up in front of people and saying all that stuff (not comfortable with public speaking or crowds at all) without thinking some bastard might be filming / photographing me too!

My cousin attended a wedding last year, filmed the couple saying their vows and uploaded it to FB there and then. I would have been STEAMING.
Agree, would take me a LOT to forgive them.

My cousin attended a wedding last year, filmed the couple saying their vows and uploaded it to FB there and then
This is unforgivable.

my mum posted 3 pics of me - whilst at our wedding -
one eating the cake (always attractive that one!), not cutting it - eating it!
one rolling my eyes in exasperation at her taking so many bloody photos and getting in the way of the photographer,
and one of my ankle because I had fallen over and cut it on the way in and it was bleeding.

Thanks mum...

If I was getting married now I would ask for no social media too. Our wedding was in the pre-digital age but we asked the people that we knew had camcorders not to use them, we didn't want any video recording.

The money poems are done by everyone now & MN should just get over it.

No they aren't. Only ever been invited to one wedding where they asked for cash in the last 3 years - we've been to 6.

All couples live together now & it's no different from a gift list.

Again, no they don't. And it is different, it's tacky - especially with a poem.

How do I know all this for a fact?

You don't. You were wrong.

See, I totally get why people wouldn't want an announcement of a new baby or baby pics on social media before they've had a chance to do the deed. A wedding I am less sure about but like the OP I got married before this was an issue. The thing about a wedding is that a guest is a participant too and I would definitely feel weird saying that they couldn't post photos of themselves and other people at our event. That seems really controlling. However, if you've got a few iphone and sm obsessed friends who would be inclined to chronicle your day I can see why that would irk. Particularly, as another poster mentioned, if you are likely to have mutual friends who weren't invited.

NoMontagues I would have gone ballistic in your shoes.

I think it's a bit different if it's an event with 300 people - day and evening do etc.

I think it's totally reasonable to say - please give us a chance to post our own photos first so that people hear about the event from us.

Asking for money - rude and vulgar.
A no social media request - they shouldn't really have to ask but unfortunately some people are thoughtless and need telling.
A warning about the consequences of allowing children to misbehave - again, they shouldn't need to ask but some people need telling. I admire that they've told parents straight and in advance rather than saying nothing and worrying about it on the day.

Laughing at 'The money poems are done by everyone' - they bloody are not, thank God!!

I've never received one, and everyone I know thinks they're crass beyond belief.

organising my own wedding last year opened my eyes as to how difficult trying to manage other people is
Maybe relinquish your attempt at control, then??? You're inviting people to a meal and a party to celebrate your day, it's customary for them to bring a gift for you as part of the celebrations.

Beyond this; you have no control over your guests (nor should you have), so "managing" them shouldn't even cross your mind

There were photos of my wedding on Facebook before I had even said 'I do'.
I'd would have been nice if they waited.

Most weddings we've been to have asked for money rather than presents - the one couple who didn't were loaded, so I suppose didn't need any.

Really don't see the issue. It's easier for guests as well, you don't run the risk of being the last one to buy something from the list and having to give them something shit or eyewateringly expensive.

I suspect the points about social media and misbehaved children tell you more about their families, than the children themselves.

Gah! Than the couple themselves, not the children, obviously.