For the first time in forever I am angry. And DH thinks iabu

[Homemadewhine]

I should tell you at we have been married for 9 years, have a 7yr old dd, and a 2 yr old ds. We rarely argue. I do most things around the home, and am even tempered. I also control the issues in our family, be they children's tantrums, knowing when ds needs to use the potty, sorting out dinner etc. DH is a lovely husband and father.

Today we were coming back from an afternoon out, and on the way back through town we needed to stop off whilst DH first posted a parcel, and then at a chemist for me to pick up a prescription for my gran who is staying with us for a few weeks.

We stopped in the carpark of the chemist, I nipped in to pick up the prescription, and when I came out DH and the car (and children) were gone. I had no coat, it was raining, and it's about 15 minutes walk to home. No one had indicated that they were going anywhere.

I walked around the carpark and looked behind buildings in case they were playing a joke on me, then started my walk home. About 300m from home dh pulled up. I told him I was upset and didn't want to get in the car with him.

The children were shouting to me out of the window and I skied and waved at them. DH kerb crawled beside me until we got home saying things to the children like "mummy's REALLY angry this time you can tell by her walk, and the way she swings her arms" dd was shouting at me to "stop being silly and just get in"

Dd then got out of the car and shouted at me, telling me I was silly to care about being left, that I was an adult and could get home so what was the problem. When I told her I was upset she told me that we didn't want me to be her mummy any more. I admit to losing my cool at this point and telling her to leave me alone. I didn't shout this, but I did say it loudly and firmly. DH then tried to get me to engage in what we were sorting everyone outfor tea. I got it all out of the freezer and said I was going upstairs.

Dd was upset with me being angry at DH, and still cannot understand why I am upset, she cannot stop crying and DH did nothing to comfort her.

I have calmed her down, and brought her down for dinner as DH felt it was my issue to resolve. I was annoyed at this too, as at 7 dd should really understand that her words have an effect, and she cannot say upsetting things to people when they are already upset, and then expect that person to be there for them when they need them.

DH still feels I am being unreasonable. He has apologised reluctantly. I am surprisingly tearful over this.

I feel as though I give all of myself to others, make agoodjob of communicating my thoughts, intentions and feelings and am completely abandoned by my family because they fancied doing something better.

Aibu? I am able to take criticism, like I say I am rarely upset or emotional about things.

[bringbacksideburns]

The issue isn't the 7 year old.

I'd be asking him how he would feel if this was the other way round - you pissed off in the car leaving him in the rain, to walk home, then made it worse by making arsey comments to him when you could see he was furious?

Stupid man.

[esiotrot2015]

Am I the only one who thinks it sounds like a storm in a teacup??

He thought he'd told you he'd get the car washed
You thought you'd told him to just wait

The one I feel sorry for is the poor 7 year old caught in the middle of a pointless argument

[Spadequeen]

Yanbu. If dh had done that to me, I would have gone out and left him to deal with dinner and any tears an tantrums

[livegoldrings]

What would your DHs response be if the situation was reversed? If he wouldn't have been even the tiniest bit bothered then fair enough, but I bet he would have been upset. Even if you did have a phone, it would have been polite to phone you before driving off. O.k you said you would have to wait, but anyone knows that these things sometimes take longer than others. So he was in the wrong. But what would he do? My DH would be livid if I did that to him!

[Romeyroo]

I think if the DD is hardly there, then she may have been playing along with him for approval. I also think the fear that you don't love her dad anymore is telling -where has that come from?
I think it is all very bizarre; very easily a misunderstanding originally but the way it has blown up suggests a lot of issues underneath? His actions were not kind, but I don't see why you didn't just get in the car. I also think it is telling that you say you do everything- this seems to imply that doing everything is why he should treat you with respect, not that you should a priori be treated with respect, or because of this he should not make a misjudgement?

[Rebecca2014]

It sounds like a mistake? maybe he really thought your be a while so he went to wash his car and thought he have enough time?

Anyway I am sure he has learnt his lesson now!

[Icimoi]

YesIdid, let's not get into the tedious game of picking apart every word OP posts to find a reason to attack her, shall we? It's reasonably obvious that she means that she's usually the one who deals with tantrums, potty training etc.

[Humansatnav]

Not sure he has learned his lesson unless he has apologized properly.

[AllBoxedUp]

How long did you wait at the chemists? How long after you left did you leave? I'd have been annoyed then but waited.

I think you're reaction was a bit over the top - not getting in the car when they reached you - but your DH should apologise. I agree with the poster who said it'd be good for your dd to see you talk about it and resolve it.

I'd say your DH's behaviour was mildly annoying but it sounds like it's a final straw for you about him doing little to help you. It sounds misjudged rather than nasty.

[YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually]

Icimoi, I genuinely wondered why she worded it this way, it jumped out at me as it was in the first couple of sentences and was an unusual wording. To my mind it suggested problems with the OP feeling the need to be "in control" constantly so maybe the episode today was indicative of a deeper issue within her relationship. The reason I asked her to clarify was perhaps it was as mundane as English being her second language, in which case I would talking out of my arse

But thanks for assuming, I wanted to "pick apart every word to attack" her though!

[Cauliflowersneeze1]

And on another tangent why suddenly go and wash your car when it's raining ?

It's a joke gone wrong and your husband needs to apologie - a lot

[Mariposa10]

I feel extremely sorry for your seven year old, foisting your emotional neediness onto her. You as adults should not have put her in the middle of all this and her distress is upsetting to read about.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

You sound understandably stressed tbh.
But I agree with a pp that its not for your dd to bear responsibility for this. She has done nothing wrong and needs only reassurance of your unconditional love.

[Homemadewhine]

Just so you're clear, I'm not ignoring DH, we just haven't spoken yet. I have to sort out my gran, an upset little girl and ds.

I spoke to dd about things because she was upset. I had to explain to her that her words have impact. I feel I'd be doing her a disservice if I didn't. This is a lesson for her to learn from - you cannot go through life saying mean things to anyone then expecting them to instantly forgive you and be all sweetness and light.

DH is attempting to apologise now.

[AmantesSuntAmentes]

as at 7 dd should really understand that her words have an effect, and she cannot say upsetting things to people when they are already upset, and then expect that person to be there for them when they need them.

She didn't understand why you were upset. She wasn't being malicious, she's 7 ffs. Of course she should be able to expect you to be there when she needs you. You're her mother ...and she's 7!

Feeling caustic towards your dh for being a pratt is one thing. Projecting your ire and upset onto a seven year old child is irresponsible, irrational and completely U.

Get a grip, grow up, be a parent. It must have been awful and confusing for your poor dd to have been stuck between you two and your childishness.

[Ketchuphidestheburntbits]

The point is the OP was very upset and her DH knows this. He needs to apologise to his wife for upsetting her.

Op, YANBU - Has he said sorry yet?

[SchnitzelVonKrumm]

Agree that guilt-tripping a seven year old is a pretty shabby thing to do. As for the rest, storm in a teacup. You sound like hard work tbh.

[Icimoi]

I can understand your DH wandering off, if only because it's the sort of twatty thing my DH would do on impulse, thinking it was extremely sensible and genuinely not understanding why I wouldn't wait for him outside the chemists or why I might be pissed off. However, if he did that and did not immediately pick up that I was pissed off and he'd better grovel, I'd be surprised. And yes, if he then compounded the crime by trying to wind me up and allowing the DC to talk to me like that, I would have been at least as angry as you. In fact I suspect I'd have turned round and taken myself off for a quiet evening in the pub or a restaurant or cafe to give myself time to calm down and him time to work out where he'd gone wrong and how he was going to apologise.

[GnomeDePlume]

An expression Ilearned from MiL which might be useful for your DD:

'I love you but right now I dont like you very much.'

I have often said it on MN but sometimes the hardest lesson our children have to learn is that sometimes being sorry isnt enough and that there will be a short (age appropriate) period where the offender has to live with not being liked.

Better to learn that at 7 than at 17!

[YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually]

Homemadewhine, she's seven do you really thought she thought up everything she said by herself? It sounded to me as though she was parroting your DH, (I thought possibly she was worried about you and he reassured her by saying, mummy's an adult she will be fine..etc).

Your comments to her were incredibly inappropriate, particularly if she was copying them from someone else. She's 7.

[Icimoi]

Oh, come on, Amantes, if a 7 year old doesn't realise that shouting at her mother that she's being silly is liable to upset her - particularly when she's already upset - it really is about time she learnt, isn't it?

[AmantesSuntAmentes]

This is a lesson for her to learn from - you cannot go through life saying mean things to anyone then expecting them to instantly forgive you and be all sweetness and light.

Nice attempt at justification. All rubbish though. What you've actually done is teach your dd that your relationship with her is conditional.

Telling you to not be silly and get in the car is possibly how she's seen you deal with tantrums? Mimicry in an effort to help.

Saying she didn't want you to be her mum when you wouldn't 'behave' is pretty understandable, given you are teaching her that your relationship with her is conditional too. Mimicry.

A little girl trying to parent the adults in her life, to the best of her ability.

[livegoldrings]

I think a 7 year old can understand why someone would be upset if they found everyone has driven off and left them. This is the sort of thing they can understand as they wouldn't like it either. Also I think they can understand it upsets you if they say they dont love you, that's why they say it. Ok it is upsetting for kids to see their parents argue but if it happens very rarely and the parents then make a mature effort to resolve their problem they will be reassured.

[MrsCakesPrecognition]

Since when did it become essential to be attached to a phone every moment of every day? I don't see why the OP leaving her phone in the car makes any of this her fault.

[ImperialBlether]

Ooops, I didn't realise the prescription was for the OP's grandmother!