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AIBU?

For the first time in forever I am angry. And DH thinks iabu

275 replies

Homemadewhine · 03/01/2015 18:03

I should tell you at we have been married for 9 years, have a 7yr old dd, and a 2 yr old ds. We rarely argue. I do most things around the home, and am even tempered. I also control the issues in our family, be they children's tantrums, knowing when ds needs to use the potty, sorting out dinner etc. DH is a lovely husband and father.

Today we were coming back from an afternoon out, and on the way back through town we needed to stop off whilst DH first posted a parcel, and then at a chemist for me to pick up a prescription for my gran who is staying with us for a few weeks.

We stopped in the carpark of the chemist, I nipped in to pick up the prescription, and when I came out DH and the car (and children) were gone. I had no coat, it was raining, and it's about 15 minutes walk to home. No one had indicated that they were going anywhere.

I walked around the carpark and looked behind buildings in case they were playing a joke on me, then started my walk home. About 300m from home dh pulled up. I told him I was upset and didn't want to get in the car with him.

The children were shouting to me out of the window and I skied and waved at them. DH kerb crawled beside me until we got home saying things to the children like "mummy's REALLY angry this time you can tell by her walk, and the way she swings her arms" dd was shouting at me to "stop being silly and just get in"

Dd then got out of the car and shouted at me, telling me I was silly to care about being left, that I was an adult and could get home so what was the problem. When I told her I was upset she told me that we didn't want me to be her mummy any more. I admit to losing my cool at this point and telling her to leave me alone. I didn't shout this, but I did say it loudly and firmly. DH then tried to get me to engage in what we were sorting everyone outfor tea. I got it all out of the freezer and said I was going upstairs.

Dd was upset with me being angry at DH, and still cannot understand why I am upset, she cannot stop crying and DH did nothing to comfort her.

I have calmed her down, and brought her down for dinner as DH felt it was my issue to resolve. I was annoyed at this too, as at 7 dd should really understand that her words have an effect, and she cannot say upsetting things to people when they are already upset, and then expect that person to be there for them when they need them.

DH still feels I am being unreasonable. He has apologised reluctantly. I am surprisingly tearful over this.

I feel as though I give all of myself to others, make agoodjob of communicating my thoughts, intentions and feelings and am completely abandoned by my family because they fancied doing something better.

Aibu? I am able to take criticism, like I say I am rarely upset or emotional about things.

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TidyDancer · 03/01/2015 18:21

What was winding the DD up was OP's DH baiting the OP with his passive aggressive comments to their DD.

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slightlyworriednc · 03/01/2015 18:24

Your 7 year old sounds like a hobby little madam. Where has she learnt to speak to adults like that?

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rolledoats · 03/01/2015 18:24

Your H sounds like an idiot. What's the point of getting a car washed if it's raining?!

He should either have waited,or sent your DD into the chemist to tell you where he was going. Is he that dim he didn't have the presence find to do either?

Your DDs behaviour wasn't great. I don't allow my DC to raise their voices to me and I certainly wouldn't tolerate them or my DH shouting at me from a car if I said I didn't want to get in. It sounds very disrespectful towards you on all.parts, but especially from your H.

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Homemadewhine · 03/01/2015 18:24

Was parked 10m from the chemists door! If he'd toldmehe wasn't waiting (like I told him I was waiting) I'd have happily waited for them. We were not in any rush!

If I'd got in the car at that point I would have cried, I was that upset. Yes maybe that's childish, but it's how I felt. Why does DH not think of me when I think about everyone else?

He still has not told me why, though tbf I've not given him any chance (except when he first drove up next to me, he had chance then)...dd has explained. We've made friends, and I've explained to her how hurt I was by what happened, how uncared for and unimportant I felt, and how her words then made me feel worse. I'm still upset even writing that in all honesty.

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lastnightiwenttomanderley · 03/01/2015 18:24

He went to get the car washed? In the rain? YANBU!

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slightlyworriednc · 03/01/2015 18:24

Gobby, not hobby!

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Skatingfastonthinice · 03/01/2015 18:25

Sometimes it does both partners and children a bit of good to realise that you are human, that you have feelings and sometimes you run out of the ability to be calm and patient.
I'm the reasonable Mrs Fixit in my family, the oil in the machine, But once in a while I feel taken for granted and then I tell them so, sometimes quite angrily. But briefly.
Your DD obviously isn't used to you being cross or upset, and that triggered a response from her that upset you. Which means almost all of the time you are a lovely mum who is calm and tolerant, and when you slipped out of role for a moment, she got cross. She'll recover. Smile
It wasn't helpful, he should have given you a ring or a test to let you know and he didn't think. He thought he was saving time. Now he knows that next time, tell you and you can go for a coffee in the interval.

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MadisonMontgomery · 03/01/2015 18:25

I would have been really upset about the whole thing, including how your daughter spoke to you. Think you need a conversation with both of them individually t explain how unacceptable it was & how it made you feel.

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Violetta999 · 03/01/2015 18:26

They were probably exasperated with your over reaction. Yes he shouldn't have kerb crawled/made observations but you sounded like you were having a teenage strop too

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Homemadewhine · 03/01/2015 18:29

Dd IS a madam. She is very articulate and can rationalise well.

We have spoken, she understands her part to play in it, and is very sorry.

Her crying was mainly because she was scared I didn't love daddy anymore and might leave home, and a remorse about what she said to me, but felt too ashamed to talk to me afterwards

I should let you know, that whilst I allow dd to express opinions, I NEVER allow her to answer back or be disrespectful. But I couldn't intervene to tell her to mind her own business at that point.

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YoullLikeItNotaLot · 03/01/2015 18:29

I can kind of understand him misjudging timing and taking the car for a wash but taking the piss out of you in front of your daughter is just ridiculous.

On balance, YANBU.

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LittleBearPad · 03/01/2015 18:32

Your DH sounds like a twat.

The kerb crawling and 'Mummy's really angry' crap was horrible. I'd have been livid.

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Theoretician · 03/01/2015 18:32

He's in the wrong for going off without telling her. She's not overreacting, and it's certainly not her fault for not carrying a phone. Everything that happened afterwards is essentially just a consequence of his initial fuck-up.

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Humansatnav · 03/01/2015 18:33

Has he apologised properly yet?

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Homemadewhine · 03/01/2015 18:34

Possibly relevant that the chemist is not in town. It's attached to a doctors surgery about equidistant from my house (all uphill) and town (all downhill). So there was nowhere for me to go, except back into the chemist. But I didn't know where DH was, or even if he was coming back. I did wonder if ds had needed the toilet urgently, or he needed to get somewhere urgently. So whilst I started out off home in an incredulous mood, I was wet and cross by the time he found me and teased me. He says he thought I was laughing at that point.

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Humansatnav · 03/01/2015 18:35

Well hes wrong then isn't he.

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BathtimeFunkster · 03/01/2015 18:35

I re-signed up after months of not being able to remember my password just to say what some recent posters have - that his behaviour in kerb crawling and goading you when he realised you were upset is extremely unpleasant, and involving a seven year old in upsetting her mother is awful behaviour.

Even if you had been unreasonable to be upset (I don't believe you were, leaving someone stranded with no coat in January is very inconsiderate) it was still really horrible to keep needling at you from the car instead of letting you walk the 300 metres home on your own to calm down.

The usual response of a kind spouse who had inadvertently pissed off their partner in front of their children would be to explain to them why Mummy was upset and to suggest we all say sorry for leaving her when we all get home.

Getting upset about things is fine. Teaching children to goad their upset parent is really not.

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LittleBearPad · 03/01/2015 18:35

There are few people who would have been laughing having unexpectedly had to walk uphill home, in the rain, with no coat in January. Is he usually this dim?

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Homemadewhine · 03/01/2015 18:37

No apology from dh. He is with ds and I am putting dd to bed, reading stories, bath etc that goes with it, she is very emotional and in need of reassurance. I have told her I am cross that she wants me to be mummy when she feels like it, but doesn't want me to be mummy when I have been upset and probably need love and comfort myself. I have told her that tomorrow is a new day, but today I am and probably shall remain hurt by her (and daddy for leaving me).

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3littlebadgers · 03/01/2015 18:38

To be fair to the op, by the time her husband pulled up she must have had all sorts going through her mind, from confusion about where they had gone to, to worry about would they know she had gone home. Remember she didn't have her phone on her so also had no way of telling them she would be walking home. Then to have her husband curb crawl along side of her while he and her daughter shouted from the window, without explanation at that point, must have been quite belittling. The first thing he should have done was wind down the window and say "sorry I thought I would have had enough time to wash the car," not all the other stuff. It is about respect.I would have reacted much the same way I imagine, and I'm perfect Wink

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APotNoodleandaTommy · 03/01/2015 18:38

LadyLuck, ODFOD Hmm
OP? Yanbu. I'd have been incandescent over this. What a thoughtless arse who then compounded thoughtless behaviour by stirring up your daughter! And why did you sort our their dinner?!??

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Violetta999 · 03/01/2015 18:38

Mountain and molehill. Two words.

It was fine for him to pop off thinking he would be back in time. You decided not to take you're phone so couldn't make contact.

You were all pretty awful going home

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ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 03/01/2015 18:38

No, you don't sound like you were having a teenage strop.

He was right outside the chemist, if he decided to go and wash the car (weird thing to do) all he had to do was send little mouth almighty in to tell you. It is nasty just to 'vanish' and leave you not knowing where the hell they were. Then the baiting and kerbing as well....grrr.

I'd have had words with Little Miss Mouthy as well.

But nothing compared to the ones I'd be having with him over this straw that's broken the camels back.

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flippinada · 03/01/2015 18:39

Yanbu to be angry! I would be livid.

Sorry if I'm way off the mark, but this sounds to me like a calculated punishment , designed to make you feel like shit and put you in the wrong. Bringing the children into it is awful.

Has he form for this kind of thing or is it completely out of character?

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youarekiddingme · 03/01/2015 18:39

Just because mobile phones exists doesn't mean everyone has one or that it's on them all the time. Her DH said they'd wait whilst she was in chemist and should have waited or told her of other plans. If they were only 10m away surely DD could have run in to tell her mum they were going to car wash.

YANBU. Whether your reaction was an overreaction (possibly but so I would I if I was confused, cold and wet) when you said you'd walk DH should have carried on not started making the situation worse - after all he was the one not where he was expected to be.

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