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AIBU?

For the first time in forever I am angry. And DH thinks iabu

275 replies

Homemadewhine · 03/01/2015 18:03

I should tell you at we have been married for 9 years, have a 7yr old dd, and a 2 yr old ds. We rarely argue. I do most things around the home, and am even tempered. I also control the issues in our family, be they children's tantrums, knowing when ds needs to use the potty, sorting out dinner etc. DH is a lovely husband and father.

Today we were coming back from an afternoon out, and on the way back through town we needed to stop off whilst DH first posted a parcel, and then at a chemist for me to pick up a prescription for my gran who is staying with us for a few weeks.

We stopped in the carpark of the chemist, I nipped in to pick up the prescription, and when I came out DH and the car (and children) were gone. I had no coat, it was raining, and it's about 15 minutes walk to home. No one had indicated that they were going anywhere.

I walked around the carpark and looked behind buildings in case they were playing a joke on me, then started my walk home. About 300m from home dh pulled up. I told him I was upset and didn't want to get in the car with him.

The children were shouting to me out of the window and I skied and waved at them. DH kerb crawled beside me until we got home saying things to the children like "mummy's REALLY angry this time you can tell by her walk, and the way she swings her arms" dd was shouting at me to "stop being silly and just get in"

Dd then got out of the car and shouted at me, telling me I was silly to care about being left, that I was an adult and could get home so what was the problem. When I told her I was upset she told me that we didn't want me to be her mummy any more. I admit to losing my cool at this point and telling her to leave me alone. I didn't shout this, but I did say it loudly and firmly. DH then tried to get me to engage in what we were sorting everyone outfor tea. I got it all out of the freezer and said I was going upstairs.

Dd was upset with me being angry at DH, and still cannot understand why I am upset, she cannot stop crying and DH did nothing to comfort her.

I have calmed her down, and brought her down for dinner as DH felt it was my issue to resolve. I was annoyed at this too, as at 7 dd should really understand that her words have an effect, and she cannot say upsetting things to people when they are already upset, and then expect that person to be there for them when they need them.

DH still feels I am being unreasonable. He has apologised reluctantly. I am surprisingly tearful over this.

I feel as though I give all of myself to others, make agoodjob of communicating my thoughts, intentions and feelings and am completely abandoned by my family because they fancied doing something better.

Aibu? I am able to take criticism, like I say I am rarely upset or emotional about things.

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Mammanat222 · 03/01/2015 18:39

Hold on,

So you got out to get a prescription? Told everyone in the car you'd have to wait for prescription and didn't take your phone? (Did hubby know you'd not taken phone)

Sounds like he thought he'd have time to get the car washed? Of course he should have told you.

It just seems like bad judgement as opposed to a genuinely mean and nasty thing he intended to do. Unless I am missing something.

I can appreciate why you were upset but it all seems to have been blown out of proportion.

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flippinada · 03/01/2015 18:40

And yes, why on earth would anyone go and wash the car when it's raining?

That's what makes me think this was deliberate.

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Homemadewhine · 03/01/2015 18:40

Bathtimefunkster (and others who have said the same things) that is exactly why I was upset.

If DH had got out of the car, given me a hug and told me he was sorry as soon as he found me (and he was under no illusion I was upset, he stopped the car next to me and wound down the passenger window, and I said "I'm not getting in with you, I'm really angry") then I would have probably laughed.mi don't bear grudges (except this one. I'm getting some bloody good mileage out of this one)

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youarekiddingme · 03/01/2015 18:40

Hahahahahahaha chipping what did I say on a thread the other day about you always thinking what I am?! Brilliant x posts!

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fluffling · 03/01/2015 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 03/01/2015 18:44

"Honestly these things happen,"

Really?

Adults piss off because they cba to wait??

Not in my world!

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Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 03/01/2015 18:44

He was out of order. I blame you not for being very angry, but I'm going to say it whether people are pleased or vexed or what. Can I ask or wonder why you put in the sleath boast about never arguing. You must have a very strange relationship.

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Homemadewhine · 03/01/2015 18:45

It's not relevant really, but I don't have a phone at the moment. DH knows this. But even if I had, I'm not glued to it! I don't take it out with me for a 2 minute shop when my family are with me. And it makes no difference in my eyes. If you're leaving someone you tell them, give them an option to say "no don't" or "wait for me!"

I don't think dhhas form for this kind of behaviour, I'm going to have to watch closely now though :( I don't normally get easily upset, so if he had been belittling and rude, I'd probably have glossed over it.

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Skatingfastonthinice · 03/01/2015 18:47

'Can I ask or wonder why you put in the sleath boast about never arguing. You must have a very strange relationship.'

DH and I haven't had an argument for years, the last proper one was Feb 1997. We have small disagreements on some unimportant things, but we don't argue.

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chocolatescones · 03/01/2015 18:49

YANBU it's not a nice thing to do, maybe not intentional and you need to ask why he left you? I have paranoia about this sort of thing and it would have upset me a lot so I really feel for you. I'd say talk to your DH ask why he did it, and explain how it made you feel.

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Homemadewhine · 03/01/2015 18:49

Chipping, I LOVE "little mouth almighty" that is exactly dd! And I'm not saying that lightly, she takes every ounce of my parenting ability.

House/ghost, it wasn't meant as a stealth boast, I'm sorry. We honestly very very rarely argue. We get on like best friends. DH makes me laugh, he normally will say "I'm a twat I'm sorry" if I get cross with something he's done/hasn't done, and he makes me laugh. Yes we get annoyed at each other, but we don't argue.

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Humansatnav · 03/01/2015 18:49

Really helpful Ilive Hmm

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ImperialBlether · 03/01/2015 18:51

If that's a prescription for contraceptives, they'd be out of the window in my house.

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Homemadewhine · 03/01/2015 18:54

As for my gran imperial! And if it were contraceptives she's 1. Amazing, and 2. Welcome to them Grin

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BathtimeFunkster · 03/01/2015 18:55

If that's a prescription for contraceptives, they'd be out of the window in my house.

Poor grandma!

Why should she miss out on sexy time because her grandson in law is a twat?

Grin

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Humansatnav · 03/01/2015 18:55

Hope not Imperial - prescription was for her Gran !

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dwarfrabbit · 03/01/2015 18:56

I'd be pissed off too in your position. Hope you don't catch a cold op!

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flippinada · 03/01/2015 18:58

The only reason I mentioned it is because my XP, who was not a nice man, had form for similar behaviour and it rang alarm bells.

It's just such an odd and unpleasant e thing to do.

I would say that if it really was a mistake, a genuine and heartfelt apology is in order.

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HelenaDove · 03/01/2015 18:58

"Wow you are good at kerb crawling arent you Have you done it before?" That would have been my retort.

When he got annoyed i would have said "But its just a joke I thought thats what we were doing today. Playing jokes on each other!!

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ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 03/01/2015 19:01

Homemadewhine. I thought she might, just from that snippet! I have a feeling that your DH is probably enabling and encouraging a lot of her challenging behaviour and that way of speaking to you. I think you are really going to have to stop being the oil that makes the cogs turn and take more notice of how those cogs are turning each other, or by the time she's a teenager it's not going to be pretty with him & her ganging up on you.

Imperial - given if was for the ops grandmother, I think it's safe to say it wasn't for contraceptionXmas Grin

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Homemadewhine · 03/01/2015 19:04

As much as I'd love to blame everything on DH chipping, he's really not with her enough to mould her behaviour. he's with her 30 minutes each evening if that, and jointly with me at weekends.

She has always been high maintenance, even from a baby. So if anyone is to blame for her mouthy ness, it's me.

She is however, a lot of the time, thoughtful, funny, compassionate little soul who loves to entertain (as long as she's in some form of control)

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HelenaDove · 03/01/2015 19:04

From the Op
"I do most things around the home, and am even tempered. I also control the issues in our family, be they children's tantrums"


I think possibly it has made your DH a bit entitled.

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AuditAngel · 03/01/2015 19:05

Homemadewhine my DH and I rarely argue. Usually as one of us doesn't feel strongly enough about things not to let it go. That doesn't mean he doesn't mean he doesn't drive me nuts though!

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YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 03/01/2015 19:08

"I have told her I am cross that she wants me to be mummy when she feels like it, but doesn't want me to be mummy when I have been upset and probably need love and comfort myself. I have told her that tomorrow is a new day, but today I am and probably shall remain hurt by her (and daddy for leaving me)"

Wow. No wonder your DD is little mouth almighty (love that!). She is 7. You should be having that conversation with your DH...you're not setting a mature example by not speaking.

It would sound like a like a storm in a teacup apart from....One of the first sentences was I also control the issues in our family, be they children's tantrums, knowing when ds needs to use the potty, sorting out dinner etc which is really....odd. You "control the issues"? What does that mean exactly?

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RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 03/01/2015 19:11

YesIDid - I thought that too. OP - you're loading a lot of emotional guilt onto a v young child there tbh.

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