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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should have got her an Xmas present?

95 replies

Magicalsparkles · 01/01/2015 16:08

FIL is in his 60s, sadly MIL died before I met her so he's lived alone since I can remember. He is incredibly wealthy and has helped me and dp out with a deposit for rental ect in the past so not a complete tight ass.
Anyway this year we had our DD (3 months) and his first GC. Boxing Day I agreed we would go up to FIL's sisters house and take FIL with us, when we got there FIL handed us bags of presents.
As we got to the house he handed out the presents to all the adults and children there which he had bought. Dp had one, I didn't (fair enough I'm an adult) but he hadn't got one for my DD either. His grandchild, this has really shocked me, I know she's a baby and won't understand but he got some for the other baby's there whom he sees maybe once a year.

AIBU to think he should have got DD a present?

OP posts:
MissPenelopeLumawoo2 · 01/01/2015 18:24

YANBU. I don't understand the don't buy gifts for under-1s, as if they are not 'proper' people. Fair enough if you don't want to get some plastic toy, perhaps some money to go in a savings account for when they are older. I can't believe he snubbed his own GD! Was has your husband said since OP?

Sn00p4d · 01/01/2015 18:26

I'd be hard pushed to find a way not to take this personally op.
My parents buy gifts for myself and my husband, as do his. We may be adults but you either buy gifts for adults or you don't, you don't buy for one and not the other, even if it was a box of after eights or something!
You're the mother of his grandchild, you are in a relationship with his son, I think it's safe to say he doesn't approve of something whether it be you, the relationship in general or your child. The abortion comments are abhorrent and I'd find that hard to come back from.
Good luck op, sounds like you'll need it!

Quietattheback · 01/01/2015 18:31

I think it's a rather pathetic dig at you, OP.

He's trying to show you that despite having his baby, you are not an accepted part of your partners family (in your FIL's eyes, at least).

I'm glad that it was your DP that mentioned it and not you, it might make him think twice if he sees that it is pissing the wrong person off.

Maybe he will learn to respect your DP's choices, maybe he won't, either way don't let his twatty game playing get to you, it's his failing as a father and human being and nothing really to do with you.

lem73 · 01/01/2015 18:38

This does seem to be deliberate. I understand one present being forgotten but not two. Fwiw the first time my dh and I spent Christmas with my family after being together for 8 years (we lived abroad for a long time) my parents forgot to buy my dh a present. They did remember to buy my brother's girlfriend an expensive and very thoughtful present. My db had been with her for a year while my dh had been their son in law for three years. Dad ran to Asda and got him a jumper on Xmas eve. I was so hurt and I made sure to tell them when Christmas was over. It's not about the money it's the thought (I'm only bringing up how much they spent on the girlfriend because I can't understand how they could fork out over £100 on one and not realise they forgot the other)
Anyway I think your dp should bring it up. The air needs to be cleared.

SquinkiesRule · 01/01/2015 18:40

He sounds passive aggresive. He bought for everyone in the place, babies included and left out his grand child and his grand childs mother/partner of his son. He was making a point. He sounds a bit more of an arse than you seem to think.
It's be different if he bought you something small and had given the baby gifts after the birth.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2015 18:40

YANBU mabey he doesent adore her as much as you think. Not getting you or your dd a present is quite telling really. I am glad he heard tgat remark in the car, next year expect a Christmas present for her, if not tell him in public, where is dd present?

Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2015 18:42

My in laws have bought Christmas presents for both me and DH and have always bought for dc as babies, even if it's clothes and vouchers they can use for things they need. Very telling Op. I would have a chat to DP about that!

Queazy · 01/01/2015 18:42

My FIL did exactly the same. I think it was because he'd bought us an expensive pram for dd only 3 months before. He's loaded too. I do think it would have been nice to buy a token gift, as it's not about money or number of gifts xx

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/01/2015 18:46

I didn't intend to get 4m old DS any Christmas gifts but in the end wrapped up things I would have bought anyway for DH to open. I encouraged everyone else not to get him anything (although they nearly all did).

my2centsis · 01/01/2015 18:49

Some people on here are just nasty creatures op. YAnbu at all I would be hurt too!

Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2015 18:52

I think some of you are totally missing the point. The fil bought gifts for the other children who were the same age as op dd, but not his grandchild, who he did not wish to be born and who he did not approve of, nor op who he did also not approve of. This is a deliberate snub, and I would talk to dp on how to approach it next year. Mabey if dd does not get a present next year, dp can ask in the public where her present is?

Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2015 18:55

OP I personally would have asked him whilst he was handing out the presents, where dd was! Let there not be a next time.

WeeFreeKings · 01/01/2015 18:57

Yep a 3 month old has no concept of Christmas and no ability to open a present. But her parents do and clearly her parents have noticed. Easiest thing would have been to get a £10 mothercare (or similar) voucher give it to one of her parents saying 'get her whatever she needs'. I'm going to give your FIL the benefit of the doubt in a sense because in my experience (stereotyping alert) men aren't that good at a) buying presents or b) understanding who they should be bought for. But in my opinion YANBU to think if he was buying for other babies he should have bought for yours. And you, even if again it was a £10 Next (or similar) voucher.

cardamomginger · 01/01/2015 19:00

Taking the background into account, it sounds deliberate to me. If it was accidental, surely he would have said something along the lines of, oh I forgot to bring your's and dgc's with me. I think it is for DP to sort out. Quite whether you push the issue if DP is reluctant to raise it, I think depends on how things pan out over the next few months and whether there are any other 'comments' or acts that exclude you. So sorry - I think it's horrid.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2015 19:00

Wee he bought for the other babies in the family! Everyone got a present except for op and her dd who he disapproves of, no that is sending a very clear message. There is nothing muddled about it.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2015 19:02

This needs nipping in the bud, because if this happens in 5/6 years time there will be a very hurt and upset little girl looking on whilst everybody else gets presents except for her.

Original poster
Magicalsparkles · 01/01/2015 19:17

Aero that's exactly what I am worried about

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2015 19:22

Magical you must not let it happen. Next year just before Christmas dp has to ask his dad what he's getting for dd, and would he like any suggestions, as last year he forgot. If this happens again, then loudly exclaim as presents are being handed out, where is dd present? Did you forget again! Kind of thing. Op this is not acceptable, if he is not going to buy for her next Christmas, we would not go, and spend Christmas the 3 of you.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2015 19:25

You know it's a snub, he doesent really adore her, actions speak louder than words.

scarletforya · 01/01/2015 19:30

Yanbu. At all. What does your dp say?

Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2015 19:42

So to answer your op, yes he should have got his granddaughter a present, not only that, he should have got you a present too! Very rude and nasty of him. No wonder he was silent in the car, he did not know what to say.

Purplepoodle · 01/01/2015 19:42

Did your dp ask his dad where his daughters present was?

KingJarethsBulge · 01/01/2015 19:49

I went to a family gathering on Boxing Day. My niece who is 5 months and my nephew who is 8 weeks were there. They both got presents from everyone who attended. I too don't understand not buying gifts for babies. Just because they are tiny why shouldn't they have something nice be done for them? By this concept there are a lot of things that shouldn't be done for babies because they will have no memory of it, e.g birthday parties, baby swimming classes, baby and me classes etc.

Op, I would be very hurt by this too and I think your feelings are justified, especially since the other babies got a present.

newyearsresolutionsnotforme · 01/01/2015 22:23

Buying for some grandbabies but not others looks like favouritism especially when the mum is ignored too. It looks less like FIL adores the baby and more like he tolerates her and mother for the sake of his DS. Have you spoken to your DP OP? Because I would read it as a deliberate thing and would make it clear to DP that while I don't want anything it seems deliberate and as though he doesn't care for either.

How is he otherwise?

Violetta999 · 01/01/2015 22:31

I think id give him the benefit of the doubt this year and not worry about it. Obviously if this happened every year it would be wrong. however after his recent loss, it's quite a big step to start organising gifts for everyone.