To be totally angry that flu hits over Xmas and DH stays in bed for a week

[Monkeygirl28]

Flu hit on 27th, both of us get it, DH goes straight to bed leaving me with his parents and 2 DD 3 and 6 months to just get on with it...bedtimes, cooking, inlaw small talk etc and then generally getting up 4x night then up at 6am with either child....Pretty raging.....think I've had one lie in to recover...

I think this thread needs to concentrate less on the "what real flu looks like / impacts"

and more on the fact that this is yet another OP where this sentiment has been voiced:

"There seems to be one rule for them..one for us."

There is a different rule because OP allows her DH to get away with it, and there is no incentive to change as far as the DH is concerned.

Why do so many women put up with such shit human beings to share their life with?

Hi all thanks for all the posts, new to this so just clicked what OP meant!! Am feeling ok today been to tesco for a post Xmas shop this am..such glamour..

So perhaps it wasn't real flu, or maybe it was, not sure perhaps the point was of bloody DH going to bed, thanks for all the support it really has pulled me out of a pretty dark hole, of questioning why would be do this, does he not think I've got enough to do, why am i married to such a cock etc, so had a bit of a discussion this am and said as the opener ' oh out of your pit are we?' To this DH replies, yes I think I'm getting better, I said, I should expect so seeing its like a week and you've been in bed for 4 days, then comes the low level detail wrangling, but fundamentally we were both ill and you had more sleep, not fair end of...ha ha!!!! Take that you bastard can't argue with the cold hard fact..it went on etc

In terms of inlaws staying that is a whole other thread, but I need to sort that out in 2015....

Yes on the last comment, totally right, New Years res to grow a pair, got it.

Thanks all you've been fab xx

If you were able to get out of bed and do normal everyday stuff then you didn't have the flu!

Sorry, but it really, really gets my goat when people say "oh I've got the flu" when they've just got a cold! The flu is horrific and you physically can't get out of bed!

This thread is starting to remind me of the Facebook Martyrs thread.

"It's hard to cook dinner with a collapsed lung "

But yes, I agree with those who say its unlikely you had flu OP. You wouldn't be able to get out of bed to make small talk with the ILs. I was utterly incoherent and hallucinating.

It doesn't matter whether OP had flu, a bad cold, an unspecified virus - what matters is that whatever she had, it was exactly the same as what her husband had. He took it as permission to abdicate all responsibility as a human parent and host, and severely dumped upon his (long-suffering, I suspect) wife.

The important thing is that he be made aware that his behaviour is not on and that it never happen again. And that his NY resolutions should involve not being a useless tosser again ...

I've had the flu once my DH was away at the time couldn't get back. We have no family to call on for help. My DD's were 4 and 2 I would crawl out of bed onto the sofa and sleep all day DD1 looked after the Ddog and her Dsis, she sorted out the potty, picked up the dog poop from the garden she didn't have too and food for her and DD2 when DH got home 3 days after it started he did everything I slept for over a week.

I had a migraine a few weeks ago, took DH 2 hours to get home from work DD2 was off school ill and DD3 just turned one and I had to look after DD3. I cried none stop till DH got home, DD2 (4) helped look after DD3. When DD3 banged her head it was me that had to walk to pick her up and rock her to feel better but I guess because I could comfort her it wasn't a migraine? I spend the next 3 days in bed when I got out of bed I collapsed every time I went to the toilet I even couldn't see at times. If DH couldn't of got home I would of kept the kids off school and still looked after them because when your on your own you have NOBODY TO HELP. When their is nobody you find the strength to see to the basic needs of children otherwise they could die and our must instincts take over

This happened to me 3/4 years ago or whenever it was that swine flu hit. For the first few days I literally couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't lift my head to watch my children open their stockings even though they did it on my bed. I tried to get up for Christmas dinner, even though I didn't want to eat I felt I should make the effort, I had to psyche myself up to get dressed which took about 45 minutes just to put some jeans and a jumper on, and I sat down, and after 5 minutes I felt so dreadful I had to apologise and go back to bed where I stayed for another 5 days before surfacing. Ended up with pneumonia which took 8 courses of antibiotics to clear!

My husband was pretty pissed off - not with me, obviously it wasn't my fault but it ruined Christmas and I just wanted to go home but couldn't fathom how to get home. Sweating it out in the in-laws polyester sheets was not fun. That sounds really snobby but its more that I just really really wanted my own bed!

If he'd got it too, I honestly think the in-laws would have had to take over the entertaining, feeding and bathing of the children.

If your husband really did have flu there is not a lot he could have done better than what he did. Not many people are happy spending 7 days in bed. You can tell if someone is really very ill, there's not much sitting up in bed browsing on the iPad or flicking through tv channels, they do just lie there 98% of the time and if they weren't sick they'd be bored stiff. If he was in this category you know he needed that rest.

I hate it when people say "you don't have flu" so I'm not going to say that, as only you know really. I would say though that a bad cold, particularly if it gives you a chest infection and you get something bacterial from it in your respiratory tract, will make you feel nearly as bad, because with it comes the fevers and chills and aches. In which case the best place is also bed and its unfair if you have to pick up the slack. There have been some rotten virus' going round this Xmas.

As for your DH, if he has form for this kind of thing I'd totally understand you being pissed off, but most people don't want to miss Christmas. As for pleasing the inlaws, sod them really - certainly you shouldn't feel this way to the point of pushing through an illness that is requiring you to rest.

Hope you feel better!

Me & dh both had flu when dd was about 8 weeks old and ds was 4.
He started it a couple of days before me. He was in bed 3 days, then HAD to get up to help me - I had got a bacterial throat infection as a complication.I was then in bed for 3 days.
My family were away & at the time his worked so no real help- my sil did a shop for us.
He should have helped. Never martyr yourself .

And, yes it Was flu - I ended up in the walk in centre because I couldn't even swallow water.
We both get a flu jab every year now !

Make sure next year you both have a flu jab then he can't complain it's flu and take to his bed!

I think people react differently to illness its ridiculous to say no one with real flu would get out of bed or care for children.

I have only had "real" flu once and I was actually ok - I was wandering about (ok on lots of paracetamol) managed school runs and caring for 5 kids.

RIGHT up to the point where I collapsed and ended up on heart monitors etc in A and E .

You were ill. Your DH was also ill. Playing competitive illness is not helpful. However, you were apparently able to manage every day life - yes it was a struggle but you coped. Did you ask your in-laws for help? Did you ask your DH? Because frankly if I was ill in bed and felt too bad to get up but another adult in the house seemed to be getting on with things as usual, I wouldn't be questioning how they were managing and if I could help - I would just be glad that they were.

Sounds as if some of you have had terrible bouts of illness and yes I was able to function, feeling quite bad now that I was actually really ok!
It's just awful when you just want to lie/watch tv/don't speak when even a bit ill when you have dc to look after
It's good to get everyone's view... Good to get some perspective after not seeing people for a few weeks!!
Wishing you all a happy healthy 2015!!!

The one time I was unfortunate enough to have what was probably proper flu was while I was staying with friends. I turned up with a cold and by dinner of the first day felt pretty unwell. After dinner I said I felt awful apologised and went to bed.

I don't remember much after that until 2 days later. They said my temperature shot up, my breathing was awful, i was sweating, tossing, turning and hallucinating. They were squeezing water into my mouth through a pippette! The doctor had been called in and I hadn't even noticed but I'd not been admitted to hospital as friend was a nurse and he thought I would be as well cared for at (their) home. I ached and felt hot and hazy for at least a week afterwards. It was at least taht long before i could manage out of bed for more than an hour at a time.

No way could I have looked after children I couldn't even look after myself.

I hope I never get it again.

1981

"Why do so many women put up with such shit human beings to share their life with?"

Given life changes completely when you have kids, there's SO much work to do, and given we live in a sexist society, I don't think a bloke needs to be a shit human being to not pull his weight. I see my own OH struggling with this - doing loads but not doing 50% of the work, and then getting really frustrated that although his life has effectively gone to shit and he has no free time (we have toddler twins and have recently emigrated after his redundancy forced us to find new jobs, so it's a bit of a pinch point right now), I'm still on his case because he's not doing as much as I am.

I think as women, we have the babies and then day 1 the dad gets chucked out of the postnatal and we have to care for the baby alone, and it just kind of continues from there. Long maternity leave and more understanding for wanting part-time work etc means we stay more on the sharp end of caring for the kids, therefore we grasp better what needs done, therefore we are the bearers of the bad news etc...

Saying that, in this situation it's pretty clear the OP's DP is taking the piss. You have flu, you feel like death, OK pal, do you think your wife is magically immune to pain and tiredness or what?

Too much too old your post is so familiar although twins must just be so demanding and moving I'm mean that is a lot going on for you.
Your post made a lot of sense on why do mums and dads take certain roles it's kind of lined up for us in some ways but at least modern men pull their weight more than my parents generation, although the dads are way way better at DIY and being generally useful in that way, maybe a massive generalisation but dig works in office so doesn't have much plumbing experience which would come in so handy...swings and roundabouts
Hope the move goes ok/things settle down, do you have any family near?

It's not true that if you can get out of bed you definitely haven't got flu. Flu can be severe but sometimes it is milder. Not everyone with swine flu had severe symptoms either.

Slightly hmm about the posters saying if you have children you just have to get on with it. I couldn't literally couldn't, as listsandbudgets described above. I am rarely ill but when I had flu I could not care for a baby. Dh had had 2 weeks off work with it so couldn't take any more time off. My sister took some time off then extended family helped- all local friends had small dc and didn't want to catch it.

Our next resort if family couldn't step in was paid help. I was seriously ill for 4 days could just about function after that took about 6 weeks to get my strength back.

Monkeygirl I used to work in a lab so I am the go-to person in our house for plumbing (although I'm better with teeny tiny high pressure plumbing than the kitchen and bathroom sort!)

Move went OK but I am glad it is over! No family nearby but at least their cousins are now only an hour's drive away. Our families are really scattered (my mum's in Scotland, in laws in Hungary, we're now in Switzerland) so every time you get closer to one you get further away from the others!

Who gives a shit whether she had flu or not? It's really not germane to the issue.

She and her H were both ill, she soldiered through and he retired to bed for four days - leaving her to host HIS parents. That's what this thread is about.

OP I think you've been very patient with the posters on this thread. Glad you're starting to feel better and good luck with your plans to put your foot down from now on.

I suppose it is relevant if he had "real" flu and she didn't. We are not in a position to know this.

I had flu once as a junior doctor and kept working through it as I thought it was just a really bad cold although I was breathless and having night sweats. It wasn't until my post-flu pneumonia was diagnosed that I realised what was going on and stopped work for a week.

Yes, lots of people say they have flu when all they have is a bad cold, but also many people with flu do just get on with things out of necessity of just because they are not affected so badly.

Yeah the only person who can assess that is the OP and she clearly feels that he didn't pull his weight. So, we have to comment on that basis. Like any other thread, we're dependent on the info the OP gives us.

Malabrigo thank you!! I did tick off my symptoms on nhs website so that's the limit of my qualification of flu but yes if he had flu and I didn't then perhaps a different take on it all each post has helped me work this one out in my head so it's been good to vent!
All I'm saying is equality ... That's it no more no less... Maybe a bit of thanks for mums/ dads over Xmas too as it's not like it was in the single little black dress off down the pub days......

FFS. All the people saying "if your DH really had flu he wouldn't have been able to get out of bed".. do you not realise that there are many different strains of flu? Just because you had a particular strain of flu that rendered you completely immobile for days that doesn't mean that everyone who gets any flu virus will experience the same symptoms or the same severity of illness. Even if two people have the same strain of flu they can react to it differently. I contracted H1N1 (swine flu) a few years ago when I was working on a hospital ward. I felt like shit but I was certainly physically capable of getting out of bed, although I really didn't feel like doing so. Some people with H1N1 need to be hospitalised, some actually die. People are different, they experience illness differently.

OP, all the aforementioned " is it real flu or not" bollocks aside, if your DH genuinely wasn't capable of lifting a finger to help you he should have had a word with your PIL and kindly requested that they either help you out with the kids or please go home. And before anyone says "if it was real flu he wouldn't be able to.." If he was genuinely so weak that he lost the power of speech then he should have been in hospital. In which case I'm sure OP would have been a.) extremely sympathetic and b.) terribly worried about him. The fact that OP feels hard done by suggests that actually her DH appeared to be milking it just a tad.