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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be fed up of having to mother DH more than the DC?

93 replies

CloudiaPickle · 31/12/2014 14:02

DH is one of those men who never takes the initiative to do anything. Heasks which direction to turn at the end of roads if our ddestination could be reached either way. He asks me what the DC want to eat/drink if they say they're hungry/thirsty even though they're sat right there, too. If the baby is crying, I have to ask if he's checked her nappy because it would never occur to him to do so.

Last week I was feeding the baby and toddler was reaching for something she couldn't reach. She began climbing on something she shouldn'tand DH just sat watching. I asked toddler to get down but she said she was stuck. Still DH sits watching. DD starts to cry as she's stuck. Still, DH just watches. I get up while feeding baby to help toddler and they're both crying. I say to DH: 'don't get up, will you!' (Not usually snippy but this was approximately the hundredth instance like this that weekend) and he said: 'well you didn't ask me to do anything'...!

The toddler will repeat constantly that she's done a poo and would like her nappy changed. Unless I specifically ask him to (if I'm feeding baby/cooking etc) he'll take no initiative to do it.

Last week he was ill. He spent five days on the sofa barely talking to any of us besides to ask for drinks/paracetamol/blankets etc. He phoned 111, went to a&e and out of hours doctors - all of whom told him they can't prescribe anything for the cold virus. Now the DC and I have the same cold. He's been out twice at night this week, at work all day and hasn't done anything to help when he's here. I can't take medication because of breastfeeding. He went to the shop this morning while at work and despite knowing I'd said we need nappies, bread etc this morning so we'd all have to go out in the cold -he didn't think to get them while at the shop.

Aibu to be fed up of nothing happening unless I specifically instruct him and to think a grown man shouldn't take more mothering than 5 DC?

OP posts:
wobblyweebles · 31/12/2014 17:21

My husband is nowhere near this bad but a few things ring bells.

"What should I feed the children for tea?"
Me: "Whatever you like. There's plenty in the fridge and cupboards."

"Shall I bathe the children?"
Me: "I'll leave that for you to decide as their parent."

"What shall we do today?"
Me: "Here's a website that's full of ideas of things you can do with the children. I'm going out on my own. Have fun."

Etc.

Eventually he started making his own decisions.

wobblyweebles · 31/12/2014 17:22

Also you need to leave him to make his own decisions about how to handle the children, and handle the repercussions himself.

If he's asleep at 8pm then wake him up, tell him you're going out, point the children at him, and come back much later.

If he chooses to carry them then leave him to it.

Etc.

YonicSleighdriver · 31/12/2014 17:24

"The following week his dd wet the bed and he just left it."

What the hell?

80sMum · 31/12/2014 17:42

Could your DH be depressed, OP? He seems to derive no enjoyment from his family at all. Falling asleep at 8.00pm and being apathetic about everything and being unable to make decisions sounds a bit like depression to me.

snice · 31/12/2014 18:03

He's not depressed, he's just a prick

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/12/2014 18:09

Could your DH be depressed

No, as said ^ he's a cunt and sadly Claudia hates her situation but feels unable to remove herself or her children from him.

Coyoacan · 31/12/2014 18:15

Well, the whole situation crept up on the OP. He was used to the single life and she was used to doing everything by herself. I can see how it happened, the thing is OP, what are you going to do about it?

ImperialBlether · 31/12/2014 18:28

He isn't depressed; he's a lazy, selfish prick.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/12/2014 18:35

Coyoacan

He already had kids, he's a twat.

HansieLove · 31/12/2014 18:35

I was reading old posts. Did you give up your house recently to move in with him? He seems clueless.

TheWordFactory · 31/12/2014 18:40

OP you hit the nail on the head; he us a spectator.

Sadly, too many men act like this and too many women allow it to continue.

Don't be fooled into thinking it is part and parcel of being successful.

Coyoacan · 31/12/2014 19:42

StillStayingClassySanDiego

I stand corrected

Backinthering · 31/12/2014 20:19

Fucksake, why on earth aren't you leaving him as we speak?

Boomtownsurprise · 31/12/2014 20:23

Not to suggest it's all your fault as it def bloody well isn't but really, you're only just at the end of your tether?!?!

Why are you enabling? Seriously, less work being single!

GatoradeMeBitch · 31/12/2014 20:34

Tbh OP, it sounds like you are just going to vent here, then do nothing in real life. This guy has a responsible job, he's not a moron. Stop mothering him over silly things - in response to 'which way shall I drive?' just remind him that he's driving the car, you are not. But when it comes to gormlessly watching his toddler cry, don't jump up and deal with it and then snap at him - tell him to sort it out! Save the instructions for the important things.

But he has to know his day does not end at 5pm, not when he's chosen to have children. The thing I detest about men like this is that when it all falls apart and ends in divorce because of their taking the piss for years, ta-daaah! Suddenly they want equal custody, suddenly they are full of righteous speeches about how their kids need a pro-active father, suddenly they are crying down the phone because for the first time they have the need to bath and read bedtime stories to their kids. Ask him if he'd like to skip all that drama and start being a committed father now.

Bair · 31/12/2014 20:46

Meh stay with him, but when your daughters put up with the same shite because it's been normalised, your guilt.

expatinscotland · 31/12/2014 23:19

Bingo! It's only a matter of time before someone suggests the poor dear is depressed. Lazy twat, more like.

Ajaney · 31/12/2014 23:35

Do you know why his previous relationship/marriage to your 2 stepchildrens mother ended?

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