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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up of having to mother DH more than the DC?

93 replies

CloudiaPickle · 31/12/2014 14:02

DH is one of those men who never takes the initiative to do anything. Heasks which direction to turn at the end of roads if our ddestination could be reached either way. He asks me what the DC want to eat/drink if they say they're hungry/thirsty even though they're sat right there, too. If the baby is crying, I have to ask if he's checked her nappy because it would never occur to him to do so.

Last week I was feeding the baby and toddler was reaching for something she couldn't reach. She began climbing on something she shouldn'tand DH just sat watching. I asked toddler to get down but she said she was stuck. Still DH sits watching. DD starts to cry as she's stuck. Still, DH just watches. I get up while feeding baby to help toddler and they're both crying. I say to DH: 'don't get up, will you!' (Not usually snippy but this was approximately the hundredth instance like this that weekend) and he said: 'well you didn't ask me to do anything'...!

The toddler will repeat constantly that she's done a poo and would like her nappy changed. Unless I specifically ask him to (if I'm feeding baby/cooking etc) he'll take no initiative to do it.

Last week he was ill. He spent five days on the sofa barely talking to any of us besides to ask for drinks/paracetamol/blankets etc. He phoned 111, went to a&e and out of hours doctors - all of whom told him they can't prescribe anything for the cold virus. Now the DC and I have the same cold. He's been out twice at night this week, at work all day and hasn't done anything to help when he's here. I can't take medication because of breastfeeding. He went to the shop this morning while at work and despite knowing I'd said we need nappies, bread etc this morning so we'd all have to go out in the cold -he didn't think to get them while at the shop.

Aibu to be fed up of nothing happening unless I specifically instruct him and to think a grown man shouldn't take more mothering than 5 DC?

OP posts:
kwerty · 31/12/2014 16:20

Asleep on the sofa by 8? What would happen if you gave him a kick and said 'I'm feeding DC. You need to bath other DC and get them to bed. Tonight. Tomorrow. And the next day. I won't be reminding you. It's obvious what needs to be done. Then I will put baby to bed and you will tidy the toys and make me a cup of tea.' Try it. Might work.

VitalStollenFix · 31/12/2014 16:21

harder for who? Sounds like he's looking for the easy option. If you haven't already, you need to tell him what you find unacceptable. If you already have and he doesn't care, well, I guess your choice is to put up with it or not.

Don't you just want to shake him until his teeth rattle though? Hard to love someone you can't respect. Hard to respect someone who treats you like the maid.

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 31/12/2014 16:22

I have tried advising him about the dc when he says he doesn't know how to handle them but he either continues his way or takes it as criticism.

For example: our toddler happily walks holding hands with me when out and about. He picks her up and carries her whenever she's in reaching distance, even around the house. She's then whiney and demanding to be carried. I've suggested that if he holds her hand rather than carrying her she won't get whiney. Last night he carried her for half hour then decided he didn't wantto aanymore. She started crying and he said 'she's whiney today', older Dd said 'she's been fine all day' and he stomped off saying I'll just go back to work then, shall I?

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 31/12/2014 16:23

But Cloudia, why is showing resentment in front of the kids worse than being a servant in front of the kids.

What are your children learning about how men are valued as opposed to women.

My DH ran a whole company and never lay on his arse on the sofa.

There is no excuse for the way you two interact and assign responsibility at home.
It's just astonishingly awful.

magimedi · 31/12/2014 16:24

Is it really 2015 tomorrow & not 1815?

Have I wandered into some sort of time warp on this thread?

OP - You need to tell him to start doing his share or you'll be leaving.

If you can't do that then you have no right to moan.

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 31/12/2014 16:27

I guess up until six months ago I was used to living as a single person/parent so don't know what my expectations should be. I just know it shouldn't be harder than being alone. If I didn't initiate baths I honestly think it could go past a fortnight before he'd notice.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/12/2014 16:28

You've posted before about him and things are still the same, he is negligent towards the toddler, isn't he the one who constantly wants affection too, all of the time?

YonicSleighdriver · 31/12/2014 16:29

OP is in the situation now - how does it help her to tell her she should've acted before they had two children?

ImperialBlether · 31/12/2014 16:30

Do his three older children live with you too, OP. Are you having to do everything for them even though he's there?

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 31/12/2014 16:31

I find myself planning things for when he's working rather than when he's off because it's easier/more fun when he isn't there. It shouldn't be that way with five kids, should it?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 31/12/2014 16:31

Not excusing him AT ALL. But my DH worked away for a few years and developed some bad habits during that time. He became used to just going back to his accommodations and not having to do anything. The single life, as it were. It carried over to our home life but wasn't really noticeable as he was only home 2 days a week. But once the family relocated to his work area, it became a serious problem. The thing was, I was so used to doing all on my own that I really didn't notice that he was doing nothing until some time had passed and it occurred to me that I wasn't getting any help. I called him up on it and told him that he wasn't living alone anymore and that I didn't need to do it all anymore now he was home in the evenings. Now he didn't have a 'do it all mummy' so it was just a matter of him realizing he had gotten lazy and my asking him to 'take over' certain things (rather than having to ask him over and over, he understood that certain things were now his bailiwick).

I'd talk to him and give him responsibility for certain duties. But that means that you cannot do them if he doesn't. You just have to try to find things that will bother him if they don't get done. And I agree with not doing for him if he won't help out.

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 31/12/2014 16:35

One older dc is mine, two are his and they're here weekends and holidays. Yes, I do everything for them, too. They wouldn't even have had any Christmas presents if it wasn't for me. I've tried leaving things (I.e. Not making up their beds so he'd have to do it) but he didn't, he just had them sleep in beds with no covers then I feel bad for dsc. The following week his dd wet the bed and he just left it.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/12/2014 16:37

You know he's a twat yet you're still there.

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 31/12/2014 16:39

He doesn't care about the house being a mess. He's left it until 11.30 when I haven't got the kids breakfast until the toddler is screaming with hunger and still I've had to get them breakfast or instruct him to. Then he asks me what they want etc, so it's really no help at all. I've tried not initiating bedtime, its got to past 11pm, he does nothing.

OP posts:
CheckpointCharlie · 31/12/2014 16:40

So what are you going to do?

TendonQueen · 31/12/2014 16:40

Agree there's no point saying 'why did you have children with him?'now. What is OP supposed to do, send them back to the shop?

OP, start tackling some of these specific things, right from now. You say he falls asleep on the sofa - wake him up and tell him he needs to come and do the kitchen cleanup with you, or whatever else needs doing. I also like the early suggestion about not cooking etc and saying 'well, you didn't ask me to' when he mentions it. You need to make a stand and not just let him carry on like this. Then if he really won't change, you can know you've given it your best shot but he's irredeemable.

Coyoacan · 31/12/2014 16:41

Well, the fact of the matter is OP that you would have a lot less work if you split up with him. I'm not saying you should but it might be something for him to think about.

1981 · 31/12/2014 16:41

CloudiaPickle if you're serious about changing him, I'd suggest you go over to the Relationships forum on Mumsnet and get some advice on strategies.

From the top of my head:

  1. Changing your own attitude (think: "changing this situation isn't optional, this is going to happen")

  2. Learning what communication works best for the two of you

For example, my DH finds it genuinely confusing if I use phrases like "we should get the meat out to defrost for tonight", he doesn't realise I meant can he do it please, which means I get frustrated but then he feels blindsided because he didn't realise I was asking him, not making a general statement! Be explicit if your DH is the same.

Another example: instead of saying "can you put out the laundry?" as if he's doing you a favour... change your communication style to "Do you want to put out the laundry or give DS his bottle?". That way, it's not phrased as if it's a favour to you, he gets some choice in the matter, and you're clearly highlighting the other stuff that you're doing too, so he doesn't feel dumped on.

  1. Identifying patterns that work for you both. For example, when I get in at night, I just need 10 minutes to move into "home mode", take my work clothes off, and move into "tea mode". I'm much more stressed if I don't get this time, and DH is the same. So we basically keep out of each other's way on the nights we come home together, just for 5 minutes, taking turns to put the kettle on or sort out post, so we're both less frantic. Your DH may be the same, it's not bad, but (I know) these little things can have a huge impact. Or if your DH doesn't mind hoovering (like me) but hates washing up (like me), then if you don't mind either, there's a clear outcome that will suit you both!

That's all, but the Relationships forum is where you need to be....

TendonQueen · 31/12/2014 16:44

OK, just read your last post. If the bed wetting thing happens ever again, you go and tell him that he goes and changes the bedclothes right away, or he will find he is the one sleeping in a soggy duvet. Use your anger! That is disgraceful. Tell other people about this stuff so he knows he will be shamed by it if it carries on.

1981 · 31/12/2014 16:44

oh yes and 4) concede smaller battles so you don't lose sight of the longer term game. lower your standards a bit when it comes to housework, and accept that his way won't be your way of doing it. he'll take time to figure some stuff out, but you shouldn't leap in to fix it or make him feel like he's screwed up or something.

Clearly, this one doesn't apply if he's left his DD in a wet bed, that's downright nasty, poor parenting. The lazy git!

VegasIsBest · 31/12/2014 16:47

"The following week his dd wet the bed and he just left it."

What happened when you discussed this situation with him at the time??

Fairenuff · 31/12/2014 16:55

I would have said "You have to sleep in dd's bed tonight as it's too wet for her and she will be in with me".

If he slept in the wet bed it would probably confirm that he has an undiagnosed condition. If he changed the bed before getting it it would probably confirm that he is lazy and selfish.

VitalStollenFix · 31/12/2014 16:55

why do you want to stay married to him? Genuine question. There must be a reason why you want this man to remain your husband, even though he behaves the way you describe. What do you love about him so much that is worth all this?

thinkingaboutthis · 31/12/2014 16:57

So kick him out and you have two less kids to deal with, one less man child to deal with, and he still financially supports the children.

That seems like your best bet.

MinginInTheRain · 31/12/2014 17:11

agree with fairenuff about finding out why he is actually behaving this way.
(just in case like)