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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be fed up of having to mother DH more than the DC?

93 replies

CloudiaPickle · 31/12/2014 14:02

DH is one of those men who never takes the initiative to do anything. Heasks which direction to turn at the end of roads if our ddestination could be reached either way. He asks me what the DC want to eat/drink if they say they're hungry/thirsty even though they're sat right there, too. If the baby is crying, I have to ask if he's checked her nappy because it would never occur to him to do so.

Last week I was feeding the baby and toddler was reaching for something she couldn't reach. She began climbing on something she shouldn'tand DH just sat watching. I asked toddler to get down but she said she was stuck. Still DH sits watching. DD starts to cry as she's stuck. Still, DH just watches. I get up while feeding baby to help toddler and they're both crying. I say to DH: 'don't get up, will you!' (Not usually snippy but this was approximately the hundredth instance like this that weekend) and he said: 'well you didn't ask me to do anything'...!

The toddler will repeat constantly that she's done a poo and would like her nappy changed. Unless I specifically ask him to (if I'm feeding baby/cooking etc) he'll take no initiative to do it.

Last week he was ill. He spent five days on the sofa barely talking to any of us besides to ask for drinks/paracetamol/blankets etc. He phoned 111, went to a&e and out of hours doctors - all of whom told him they can't prescribe anything for the cold virus. Now the DC and I have the same cold. He's been out twice at night this week, at work all day and hasn't done anything to help when he's here. I can't take medication because of breastfeeding. He went to the shop this morning while at work and despite knowing I'd said we need nappies, bread etc this morning so we'd all have to go out in the cold -he didn't think to get them while at the shop.

Aibu to be fed up of nothing happening unless I specifically instruct him and to think a grown man shouldn't take more mothering than 5 DC?

OP posts:
Wormatthebottomofthegarden · 31/12/2014 15:02

Stop instructing him.

AnyFucker · 31/12/2014 15:02

sigh

Wormatthebottomofthegarden · 31/12/2014 15:02

Can't believe he went to A&E with a cold, that's shameful.

MinginInTheRain · 31/12/2014 15:07

He sounds terrible. You sound miserable.

Obviously not ideal but what happens when you tell him every little thing that he needs to do. Does he do it capably or does he make a hash? You say he has a responsible job so trying to understand what is going on. Was he happy having children, is he a good father in any way?

Very sorry he is like this. Are you prepared to demand changes and leave if he doesn't get it?

YonicSleighdriver · 31/12/2014 15:12

What AF said.

whois · 31/12/2014 15:23

Agree with PP.

Send him to his mothers.
Then divorce him.

I'm assuming he wasn't like this during the early stages of the relationship. Otherwise you wouldn't have decided to move in. And he can't have been like it when you lived together, or you wouldn't have had two babies with him.

When did he change?

silveroldie2 · 31/12/2014 15:36

expatinscotland
"I fail to see how a person like this would ever be attractive enough to touch, much less procreate with it."

This - I wouldn't touch someone like him with a 10 foot barge pole.

whois reasonable assumption in your post but I'm guessing he's never been any different.

I simply cannot understand why women put up with crap like this. So many threads every week about men who do fuck all in the home from women who have enabled them to behave like this, not only marrying them but going on to having multiple children without first addressing the issue.

FayKorgasm · 31/12/2014 15:36

Stop babying him and he will soon learn.

Fairenuff · 31/12/2014 15:44

Two questions OP. Why did you marry him and why did you have children with him?

YABU unless you were forced to do either of those.

1981 · 31/12/2014 15:45

silveroldie2 on threads like this I actually think the worst thing is the message / norm being shown to the kids.

As in:

  • Does the OP want her daughters to end up thinking this is acceptable? Is this what she wants for their future?
  • Does she want her sons growing up and seeing their dad as an acceptable role model?

There's a chance they'll see through it and want better for their own relationship, but it makes me sad that so many kids grow up thinking such family situations are fair or normal. I'd want more for them, higher hopes and all that Sad

CloudiaPickle · 31/12/2014 15:51

His day goes: get up, get himself fed and dressed, go to work where he's responsible for ten members of staff plus public safety but also where he has time to shop and play on the internet, come home and eat, wash up, watch me parent while invariably making it harder (I.e. Giving the toddler something I've said no to so she stops crying) then fall asleep on the sofa by 8 so I have all the kids to put to bed while breastfeeding the baby to keep her quiet.

Previously he worked away so it's only now it's starting to grate as I realise it was all actually easier alone. The resentment is horrible, though I don't think I show it. The only thing he ever does in the house is wash up and even then he doesn't do it properly so I often have to do it again.

OP posts:
Rebecca2014 · 31/12/2014 15:53

So you decided to have two children with this man?

CloudiaPickle · 31/12/2014 15:54

It got me thinking when I was having the baby that if something happened to me he wouldn't have the slightest idea about what the toddler will eat, what days activities for the older dc are on etc. He's like a spectator to our lives yet enjoys all the glory (watching swim competitions etc)

OP posts:
CloudiaPickle · 31/12/2014 15:56

Yes Rebecca, the first while he was working away 6 days per week. He started working closer 6 months ago.

OP posts:
thinkingaboutthis · 31/12/2014 15:58

So what does he bring to your life except money?

He would still have to give you money for the kids if he moved out, and it would make your life easier.

Fairenuff · 31/12/2014 15:59

OP don't you get what we are all saying? You knew what he was like when you decided to marry him and have children with him. You have no-one but yourself to 'blame' if you must blame someone.

CheeseBuster · 31/12/2014 16:01

What a great idea to have children with this man. YABU if he has always been like this it was your choice to marry him. Didn't you try living with him before getting married or knocked up.

Can't stand women moaning about crap like this when it is of their own doing.

Wormatthebottomofthegarden · 31/12/2014 16:04

So have you ever spoken to him about it?

What are you going to do?

Bair · 31/12/2014 16:04

DH and I often joke if we won the lottery we'd get staff in to do all the jobs we hate. Maybe we should get a wife and treat her like staff, cheaper, plus there's sex and you don't have to allow for holidays. You imply your husband has no brain, he's not as stupid as you think he is.

VitalStollenFix · 31/12/2014 16:11

why the hell don't you show the resentment? why are you hiding it? why talking like hiding reasonable anger is a good thing? bloody tell him!

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/12/2014 16:12

Posted before about him?

1981 · 31/12/2014 16:15

CloudiaPickle have you ever raised this as a problem, and set out clear expectations?

If yes, how did it go?

If no, why not?

And finally, do you want things to change?

CloudiaPickle · 31/12/2014 16:16

I don't want to show resentment in front of the kids. I have spoken to him and he says he doesn't want to make things harder (kids argue with him but not me) so he stands back. I said that doesn't stop him looking for a way to change that face/hoovering/tidying etc.

We have never lived together for more than one day per week until six months ago, hence I didn't know what he was like until now.

OP posts:
magpieginglebells · 31/12/2014 16:17

Have you actually sat down and spoken to him about what is expected?

silveroldie2 · 31/12/2014 16:19

1981 I couldn't agree more.

OP you keep on posting about what he doesn't do - it's pointless ranting on MN - if you want your children to have good role models and have a supportive husband then you will have to make some changes.

If you're not prepared to do that, then nothing will change - your children will think his behaviour is normal and take that into their relationships - do you really want that?

By not dealing with the issue you have become his enabler.