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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for your views on children and room sharing

94 replies

frostyrivers · 30/12/2014 14:31

DD is 7 years old, and DS is 5. They have shared a room since DS moved out of ours and seem to love it.

However, I'm very conscious of two things - firstly, that being different genders, they will need privacy at some point - and secondly, that we have no way of moving for the foreseeable. Sad

When do you think the maximum age for children of different genders to part company is? They turn 8 and 6 in the spring.

OP posts:
SapphireMoon · 30/12/2014 15:08

We don't have dining room so would not be an option for us. Boys in bunkbeds unless we move...

ILovePud · 30/12/2014 15:11

Of course it's not against the law, just that most local authorities have guidelines for those in council accommodation. OP it doesn't sound like your flat has the scope for any alternative sleeping arrangements so if that's what you have and you don't have the option of moving then that's how things will have to be, don't beat yourself up about it, it doesn't sound like it's an issue for your kids at the moment anyway.

BetsyBoop · 30/12/2014 15:12

is it possible to divide the room with something like this so at least they have their own space and some privacy?

AntiHop · 30/12/2014 15:13

Of course it would be nice to have their own room. But I can't see how it could be harmful for them to share a room. If you can move to a bigger place when they are teenagers that would be ideal.

AWimbaWay · 30/12/2014 15:16

My 3 Dcs, Dd1 (almost 9), Ds (7) and Dd2 (4) all choose to share even though they have a bedroom each Confused. I'll probably let them continue until Dd1 hits puberty unless she or either of the other two decide to decamp earlier.

AWimbaWay · 30/12/2014 15:19

And to be honest if they're still comfortable sharing I'd let it continue as long as they want.

iamdivergent · 30/12/2014 15:25

My dds are 10 and 6 and still share. We do have a spare bedroom but they like to share, and neither one has mentioned moving to the smaller room. likely to continue sharing until DD1 starts high school Aug 2016 I would say when hey will be 12 and 8

DeWee · 30/12/2014 15:25

My cousins (older boy, younger girl) chose to share until they were 12 and 10yo. There was a spare room, just they preferred to share.
It was actually the younger who decided they were ready to move out rather than the older too, who would have been happy for at least another year.

BikketBikketBikket · 30/12/2014 15:26

The 'bedroom tax' guidelines say that siblings of the same sex must share a room until they are 16, and those of different sexes are entitled to their own room at 10..... So there's the Government's official line Xmas Confused

Purplepoodle · 30/12/2014 15:26

There are loads of ideas to create private spaces using units or bunk beds, perhaps even a curtain. If you don't have the an extra room and can't move then I'm sure you can find something that works.

Perhaps give dd her own space in the bathroom to keep toiletries.

Mammanat222 · 30/12/2014 15:27

I find the fact that every child "needs" their own room quite bizarre.

We have only just moved to a 2 bed (DS is 2 and has been in with us the whole time). DD is due in a few weeks and the plan is that they will be sharing for the next 8 years.

I shared a room with my brother until I was 14 (he was 12) as we were poor and overcrowded. Didn't do us any harm although not ideal but we still had plenty of privacy and no long term damage was done to either of us!

I find the idea of needing to move to a 3 bedroom so a 2 year old boy and new-born girl can have their own room rather odd actually. There are many benefits from sharing a room?

That said our main bedroom is huge and can easily be split when the kids are older (they could have half a room and a window each.

SapphireMoon · 30/12/2014 15:32

My two boys are in a fairly small room too. Eldest [10] uses top bunk to escape. That bunk is his private space. Unfortunately cannot see situation changing for us. Schools will prevent moving as they are so happy in them.
Downside is room will have to be shared. No way to divide room as not big enough. Other room slightly bigger but noisier due to road.
I don't think sharing will be ideal as they get older but many families have to. Single rooms are a luxury for children/ teenagers.

fluffling · 30/12/2014 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
frostyrivers · 30/12/2014 15:35

Thank you for the replies.

The flat isn't HA - ha, if only. We own it, which is why we're trapped in it!

The rooms aren't big enough for large objects to split it. The only way to get both children in with space for a wardrobe, and storage and so on is a bunk bed, hence why we can't really split the room. (Much as I liked the Ikea link.)

To be honest if we had the sort of money available to change the kitchen into the living room - we would move house, but really and truly we have nothing left at the end of the month as it is.

It's very hard as I'm caught between the view that sharing won't harm them and they need their own space. I think the problem is having a bedroom each for children of different genders (and this is an affluent area: despite being minute, the flat is in a listed building and all looks very grand) is a cultural norm now and I do worry about the children being marked as different or odd in some way.

OP posts:
Original poster
frostyrivers · 30/12/2014 15:36

Fluffing the bedrooms are an identical size.

OP posts:
Kittymum03 · 30/12/2014 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SapphireMoon · 30/12/2014 15:38

Well mine will be seen as odd too then Frosty.
Similar trap to you....
Only thing we might be able to do is get stronger bunkbeds as they get older!!! [No too much bigger though re space].

Original poster
frostyrivers · 30/12/2014 15:40

Yours are the same gender though Sapphire aren't they?

I do think it's seen as certainly more socially normal to have children of the same gender share.

OP posts:
Kittymum03 · 30/12/2014 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SapphireMoon · 30/12/2014 15:42

True Frosty.

SapphireMoon · 30/12/2014 15:43

Curtain idea sounds good re bottom bunk. Guess someone etter at diy than me could sort out top.
Maybe good idea for boy/girl mix Frosty?

crapcrapcrapcrap · 30/12/2014 15:47

I think bunk beds do afford a degree of privacy. Is there a way you could get rid of the wardrobe and fit in two cabin or high sleeper beds? Then you'd still have storage but also either a private bed area (maybe curtained off from the ceiling?) or a private area beneath the bed, again curtained off.

I sympathise OP - we were in a similar position until very recently, and there's only light at the end of the tunnel now due to me increasing my hours and having a bigger house available through my work. Lots of people will say they shared and it didn't do them any harm etc but it doesn't make you a bad person to want to provide more for your children.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 30/12/2014 15:48

If they are happy to share for awhile longer, I see no problem with it. If they want privacy changing, they can either take turns in the bedroom, or one can go to the bathroom/toilet to change. Not a huge deal.

I shared a room the whole time growing up until I was 16yo - early on with my younger sister, and then with my older sister once I got to about 11. While there were the inevitable arguments over silly things, we also played Monopoly, listened to music, stayed up late reading, and chatted. It did us no harm IMO.

I've never really understood the horror that people seem to reserve on MN for children sharing a room. It's just ridiculous IMO. You're a family, you live in the same house, and it's good for kids to learn to share. They'll learn loads of skills - compromise, bargaining, and respect for other's property and privacy. They'll need those skills when they go off to live in dorms at Uni, or in a flatshare, or when they're living with a partner.

I wanted my dcs to share a room, however, due to his disability, ds1 has to have his own room. I was actually quite sad about that, as I think he's missing out by not being able to share a room with his brother.

Threeplus1 · 30/12/2014 15:52

Why no later kittymum you seem firm about that Confused what harm do you think will come to them? Millions of kids the world over do it.

Bellejessleo · 30/12/2014 15:54

Our two children share, ds 5 and dd 2, I'm pregnant with our 3rd and that one will need to squeeze in too! We can't move for another 3 years or if we did it would be stupid financially as we've spent a lot of money on our house and wouldn't get it back right now if we sold. It's not a problem at the moment...both the dc find it comforting to be together. And I actually think it makes them closer and good for teaching sharing, co-operation etc.
People that say it's wrong for children to have to share are being a bit silly in my opinion. They're siblings and children are very accepting of the way things are or need to be. As long as your children aren't bothered op then I really think it's fine for them to share for as long as they want to! And there are plenty of options for dividing space up using curtains, furniture etc if need be.