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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to ex re extra contact

60 replies

Villamanilla · 30/12/2014 00:30

Repeated problems with him expecting he can call/text DC the day before to arrange extra access.

I've asked him numerous times in the past that if he knows he has holiday/time off booked and will want to see DC to please just text and let me know in advance so I don't plan things which then get cancelled.

DD told me last week he has 3 weeks off work. No call or text for extra time with DC. DC call him today and say the ringtone is funny (ex obviously abroad, he hadn't told anyone but not my business). He later calls them and says oh yes I've been away but I'll come get you at 11am tomorrow. Not arranged between us at all.

I later text and say actually please don't just tell the DC you are having them you haven't checked with me. He replies I don't need to ask your permission, if you aren't busy (DC said we weren't) then stop being difficult.

This is by no means the first time tHis is has happened. Along with not bringing them back on time or texting 5 mins before drop off to say he is keeping them for another few hours.

AIBU to say no? You clearly knew you had holiday, why didn't you ask in advance! And by ask I don't mean telling the DC before asking me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Villamanilla · 30/12/2014 00:31

Sorry should say all DC under 10 years old

OP posts:
Blackout234 · 30/12/2014 01:22

YANBU, Its common courtesy to text or call at least 3-4 days in advance to ask for extra contact. Was he controlling? I think this is a way to tred all over you

Triooooooooooo · 30/12/2014 07:51

'Extra contact'

These are his children for goodness sake, if you arent busy then whats the issue ??

Really, I cannot think of anything worse than having to give notice to spending time with my own kids, sometimes it's nice to do things on a whim, whether theyr live together full time or not.

feelingunsupported · 30/12/2014 08:12

I second what Triooooooo said. I'd hate to have to 'ask' to see my own children.
If the children have no plans and want to go - really, what is the problem??
I'd also be checking the phones of under tens daily anyway.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 30/12/2014 08:22

YANBU. He's a piss-taker. It's not about permission, it's about managing the expectations of your children.

ConfusedNC · 30/12/2014 08:22

I think getting hung up on 'extra contact ' as a phrase is pointless. If op and ex have a contact agreement as most parents who split do, then it is extra contact or contact out of usual arrangements.

Yanbu to ask for some respect. Not on to just arrange on a whim with kids directly. It's all on his terms too. What's the issue with him giving you bit of notice? Better for kids to know when they're seeing dad and there to be happy relationship between parents.

I would tell ex what your reasonable expectations are in terms of notice and don't be totally accommodating if he drops it on you again at last moment. I think there's some control stuff going on here too. My ex does it too.

crumblebumblebee · 30/12/2014 08:48

Unless there are genuine concerns about his parenting, then YABU, they are his children!

26Point2Miles · 30/12/2014 09:10

You sound like you enjoy being difficult. Poor kids, feel sorry for them

WooWooOwl · 30/12/2014 09:20

YANBU to say no when you have things planned, your ex need to understand that if he's going to leave it till last minute then he might not be able to see his dc when he had hoped to.

But if you aren't doing anything and the dc want to see their dad, then I don't see the point in saying no just so that you can enforce that you want more notice. YWBU to say no just because you can.

Original poster
Villamanilla · 30/12/2014 09:22

Poor kids.....I agree. Especially when they ask if they are seeing ex because they know he's off work and the only answer I've got is "we'll have to wait and see" instead of "yes he text the other day your going on Wednesday and Thursday"

OP posts:
Original poster
Villamanilla · 30/12/2014 09:24

No concerns over parenting at all.

Concerns about the DC being an afterthought to his plans, yes.

OP posts:
PurpleSwift · 30/12/2014 09:26

Yanbu. Take the kids out and tell him you ARE busy. He can't just pick them up and drop them when he feels like it. He needs to be arranging things properly and unfortunately if that means putting your foot down in the short term and saying NO, then so be it. Otherwise he'll never stop.

IMeanReally · 30/12/2014 09:30

YANBU of course he should have asked you. What if you have plans the kids didn't know about? No one else had the fun growing up of a day in the middle of the holidays when their parents woke them up early and said "hey surprise we're going to this really fun place today!"? Do people not do that to their kids any more? That's a fun memory of growing up for me.

foreverdepressed · 30/12/2014 09:30

Really PurpleSwift ? You are saying because OP isn't happy with the way he is behaving and managing contact she should make it more difficult for him to have contact, even when she isn't busy? That sounds just spiteful to me.

OP you sound as though you enjoy being difficult to be honest. I can't imagine anything worse than having to beg for permission to see my own children days in advance. If you aren't busy then get over it.

LaurieFairyCake · 30/12/2014 09:34

They are an after thought in his plans and he's clearly an arsehole to you.

However, I'm wondering if you'll get further to pissing him off by showing you don't care/have other things to do - like "oh that really convenient for ME actually, I've got something that would be great for me to do tomorrow"

And when you genuinely have plans you don't want to change just say 'that doesn't work I've got something else on, how about this day instead" (and don't be drawn into justifying your plans or explaining anything, just light and breezy)

Original poster
Villamanilla · 30/12/2014 09:35

Who said beg? Why beg?

"I've got 3 weeks off from x to x. Planning on having kids x,y,z as well as normal days, that ok? Cheers!"

Not begging.

OP posts:
Mrsstarlord · 30/12/2014 09:35

Seems like you are both BU to me. Yes he should plan ahead as a general rule but refusing to let the kids see their dad because he hasn't booked it in advance even if you haven't got anything arranged is very unfair on him and the kids. And coming up with a sudden trip out that the kids don't know about just to stop him seeing them is pure manipulation and using the kids as a weapon against your ex.
Sounds like you both need to sit down and find a way of putting the kids first.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 30/12/2014 09:36

I always look at these things from the kids' POV. It must be horrible for them to never know when their dad might deign to fit them into his life.

How much trouble would it be for q

MsColouring · 30/12/2014 09:39

"Really, I cannot think of anything worse than having to give notice to spending time with my own kids, sometimes it's nice to do things on a whim, whether theyr live together full time or not."

Yeah. Totally agree Triooooooo. I feel like seeing my kids right now. I'll just pop round to my ex's house during his contact and suggest I take them out for the day. I'm sure he'll be fine with that!

SuburbanReindeer · 30/12/2014 09:39

Rather than asking why the OP wants to know in advance about arrangements that affect her DCs, shouldn't people be asking why their dad feels it's ok not to do this?

It's not like they're still together, where he can organise something spontaneous. They have a contact agreement in place to benefit the children.

kim147 · 30/12/2014 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Villamanilla · 30/12/2014 09:43

Unexpected, thank you you've voiced what I was trying to say.

It's unfair on the DC to know their dad has time off and may or may not ask to see them. And if he does it will be at a few hours notice.

No plans today except helping them get their rooms sorted after Xmas and a walk in the woods.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 30/12/2014 09:44

Could you not agree a standard schedule? Like most separated parents do?

Every other weekend from Friday to Sunday/Monday and one evening each week. That sort of thing. Plus set days in the holidays.

Original poster
Villamanilla · 30/12/2014 09:44

Kim, yes days were altered (but only eve, day and Boxing Day specifically).

I didn't know he had extra time off until DD mentioned it.

OP posts:
kim147 · 30/12/2014 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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