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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to ex re extra contact

60 replies

Villamanilla · 30/12/2014 00:30

Repeated problems with him expecting he can call/text DC the day before to arrange extra access.

I've asked him numerous times in the past that if he knows he has holiday/time off booked and will want to see DC to please just text and let me know in advance so I don't plan things which then get cancelled.

DD told me last week he has 3 weeks off work. No call or text for extra time with DC. DC call him today and say the ringtone is funny (ex obviously abroad, he hadn't told anyone but not my business). He later calls them and says oh yes I've been away but I'll come get you at 11am tomorrow. Not arranged between us at all.

I later text and say actually please don't just tell the DC you are having them you haven't checked with me. He replies I don't need to ask your permission, if you aren't busy (DC said we weren't) then stop being difficult.

This is by no means the first time tHis is has happened. Along with not bringing them back on time or texting 5 mins before drop off to say he is keeping them for another few hours.

AIBU to say no? You clearly knew you had holiday, why didn't you ask in advance! And by ask I don't mean telling the DC before asking me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Villamanilla · 30/12/2014 09:46

Funky, we have a schedule. The same schedule we've had for four years. This is time on top of that which can't be arranged as he takes holiday as and when and expects DC to tell me. Unless he won't be here for a few weeks in which case he tells me he can't do access x and y weeks in advance.

OP posts:
SuburbanReindeer · 30/12/2014 09:47

funky, it sounds like they have a contact agreement in place, hence the OP describing it as "extra" contact.

MsColouring · 30/12/2014 09:47

On a more serious note, I think YADNBU. Contact should be arranged in advance by both the parents taking into account the needs of the children. OP you need to decide what your cut off point for making these arrangements are (for me and ex it's by the end of the previous half term - court ordered) and stick to that otherwise he will just continue to take the piss and then make you out to be the unreasonable one. And making arrangements directly with the kids is just out of order as it puts them in the middle.

Hurr1cane · 30/12/2014 09:49

I ask for extra contact if I want DS all weekend hindering his dad's contact, even though i have him 6/7 days, because it's polite.

I tell his dad if I'm planning to be far away in case anything happens, because I love my DS.

His dad asks for extra contact weeks in advance (almost always given unless a medical appointment) and also asks months in advance if he needs to change it/ not have any because he wants a holiday.

He tells me if he's going far away for the same reasons I tell him.

My DS has disabilities so we might be overly careful with him but we love him equally and that's why we do our best to accommodate each other

TortillasAndChocolate · 30/12/2014 09:51

It doesn't matter whether you have plans or not though - even if you're just staying at home, that's still your time with DCs. Of course it needs to be arranged properly. It's not ideal, but that's how it has to work once the parents aren't together anymore. In just the same way that if you suddenly decided you wanted to do something on a day your ex is having them but doesn't have particular plans, you couldn't just tell him the day before that you're not sending them after all.

YANBU

herintheredskirt · 30/12/2014 09:53

He's out of order to tell the kids to tell you what's going to happen. That's rude and disrespectful. He should be contacting you about arrangements while they are this young.

springalong · 30/12/2014 09:55

(Can I ask OP a totally non related question. You mention mobiles and your children being under 10. Do they have their own mobiles and call their dad when they want? Or do you have set times. I am looking for solutions to a problem.)

Buy the way I would have said to no to the short notice request too. Sounds like the contact is prone to issues anyway (eg bringing children back late)

Original poster
Villamanilla · 30/12/2014 09:58

Spring, they have their own mobiles provided by ex. He calls them/they call him whenever.

Only thing I don't allow is them walking around the house face timing/skyping as I feel it invasive. Also they aren't allowed to call and moan about being in trouble "mummy told me off" etc!

OP posts:
Romeyroo · 30/12/2014 10:03

I think if you have a contact schedule then are holidays not included in that? If not, they should be.
That said, it depends on the relationship with your ex. DDs dad is really bad at short notice contact changes (usually he cannot do what was expected) and it has been quite hard work to get something regular; on the other hand, he is very reasonable and flexible if DD wants to alter the hours for whatever reason, so as she is older than your DC, I am quite okay about giving them that flexibility as long as we are in town (and he usually knows if we are not).
DS is much younger, and for lots of reasons, the separation was awful and it has taken a lot emotionally and financially to get a contact agreement sorted. It covers everything and, although there is flexibility to review when DS is older, at the moment, it is schedule or nothing. DS is high needs and one of his needs is consistency.
So, in his case, I would say no to what your DC father is doing, but because DS could not cope with it.

foreverdepressed · 30/12/2014 10:06

No skype or facetiming, only being allowed to call when you say so? sounds quite controlling to me.

MsColouring · 30/12/2014 10:13

OP didn't say no face timing/skyping at all - she said not walking round the house doing so. And they can call their dad - just not allowed to play one parent off the other.

I'd call that setting boundaries, not being controlling.

Original poster
Villamanilla · 30/12/2014 10:23

foreverdepressed, you seem intent on twisting what I'm saying.

They can and do call whenever they want.

With the exception of walking around the house on FaceTime (I don't want to be sat in my living room with ex staring at me). They're also not allowed to call and play us off against each other if they can't get their own way here.

OP posts:
Kittymum03 · 30/12/2014 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoldfishCrackers · 30/12/2014 10:34

OP you're getting a hard time here from people who can't see why you'd be frustrated. I can only imagine they would be ok with you calling the DC when they're at their dad's saying you want to take them to xyz during his contact time, and your ex will just have to accept it because a 5yo said it was ok? After all, who wants to be told they have to give notice to see their DC?

BoneyBackJefferson · 30/12/2014 10:52

I can see why you are annoyed about this but you seem equally annoyed that he is on holiday and not seeing them as you are about him being on holiday and seeing them.

Original poster
Villamanilla · 30/12/2014 11:28

No more annoyed that he knew he was going to be on holiday yet made no plans to see them other than on a ad hoc basis

OP posts:
crumblebumblebee · 30/12/2014 11:39

You obviously don't think you're being unreasonable but I think you're wrong in this instanc. If you had plans, then fine, by all means, tell him to get organised but it sounds like you're being picky because you can.

Kittymum03 · 30/12/2014 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

heidiwine · 30/12/2014 12:25

YABU and so is your ex. The problem is that you are asking whether you should prevent your children seeing their dad (the person you chose to have them with). I'm sure you have many other battles to fight with him, don't choose the one that has the worst impact on your kids. They obviously want to see him, you don't have plans so what's the big deal? (IMO children that young shouldn't ever be the go betweens but that will mean that you and your ex need to work together to agree things - for the sake of the children - doesn't sound from what you've said that either you are up for that level of constructive communication).

clam · 30/12/2014 12:36

Why is it up to you to be able to grant him yes or no to seeing his own kids?

RufusTheReindeer · 30/12/2014 12:52

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all

MsColouring · 30/12/2014 13:28

"Why is it up to you to be able to grant him yes or no to seeing his own kids"

I hate replies like this on threads like these - they show no understanding of the complex issues involved.

It is clearly up to both parents to agree a contact schedule which should then be stuck to. If changes need to be made (or one parent would like to make changes) then there needs to be direct communication between the adults involved without involving the children with appropriate notice. There is no reason why NRPs should be able to dictate terms any more that the RP.

I would be pretty p'd off if my ex turned up on the doorstep during my time demanding to see the children and he would be equally annoyed if I did the same.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 30/12/2014 13:41

He's being completely unreasonably making arrangements with children under 10.

I would tell him that if he does it again, you will be taking the phones off of the children. End of.

Disney Drop In Dad needs a kick up the backside. Your children deserve better than last minute 'oh I'm not busy tomorrow, let's do something' attempts at spending time with them. They need to know he makes time to see them, that they're important to him, not that they get the dregs.

I'm all for last minute 'let's go to the beach' plans, but it's just controlling and shitty to make plans with the children and not the parent responsible for them.

Original poster
Villamanilla · 30/12/2014 13:41

Clam, who should decide then? The DC?

As it stands he text to say he couldn't get them until normal time anyway. I replied and said fine but that in future he really needed to be more organised with planning what days/times he wanted them.

His reply was that he would endeavour to do his best.

OP posts:
Starlightbright1 · 30/12/2014 14:25

Gosh Op..You have had a hard time on this thread. AS I understand it...You don't have an issue with the extra time it is simply you want notice.

I think you need to be clear arrangements are to be made through you and if he wants extra time without notice you cannot guarantee you won't have plans. If he wants to bring them back late he needs to check in case you have plans.

I do know how you feel my ex used to see DS EOW however he would often not turn up and found my plans were constantly in hold waiting to find out what weekend he was going to show.

For all those who seem to be seeing you as controlling when you are separated and don't live with your children you don't get to have your kids when you want with a couple of hours notice. I certainly don't tell my DS what we are doing in advance so not the children saying nothing planned isn't the same thing.

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