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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to ex re extra contact

60 replies

Villamanilla · 30/12/2014 00:30

Repeated problems with him expecting he can call/text DC the day before to arrange extra access.

I've asked him numerous times in the past that if he knows he has holiday/time off booked and will want to see DC to please just text and let me know in advance so I don't plan things which then get cancelled.

DD told me last week he has 3 weeks off work. No call or text for extra time with DC. DC call him today and say the ringtone is funny (ex obviously abroad, he hadn't told anyone but not my business). He later calls them and says oh yes I've been away but I'll come get you at 11am tomorrow. Not arranged between us at all.

I later text and say actually please don't just tell the DC you are having them you haven't checked with me. He replies I don't need to ask your permission, if you aren't busy (DC said we weren't) then stop being difficult.

This is by no means the first time tHis is has happened. Along with not bringing them back on time or texting 5 mins before drop off to say he is keeping them for another few hours.

AIBU to say no? You clearly knew you had holiday, why didn't you ask in advance! And by ask I don't mean telling the DC before asking me.

OP posts:

Kittymum03 · 30/12/2014 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GatoradeMeBitch · 30/12/2014 16:00

OP you must be the most spiteful evil woman I have ever heard of. How dare you not stand by the telephone 24 hours a day in case your ex suddenly remembers he has children and decides he'll grace them with his presence within hours? Who do you think you are trying to raise your children with boundaries and consistency? How dare you try to have an independent life? If your 6 year old says you have no plans, then clearly YOU HAVE NO PLANS. Terrible women. Tut.

HonestLie · 30/12/2014 16:11

I don't think YABU at all. Contact should be arranged between the adults in advance and if it is a spur of the moment thing he still should have gone to you.

The fact you don't have plans is really neither here nor there. Sometimes "no plans" means a chilled day at home with your kids. Him having time off doesn't overrule your time off with them.

You sound like you would be willing to facilitate extra contact but expect a little bit of common courtesy. Turn the tables around, he would not be happy if you did the same. I would honestly say no as its too short notice but offer an alternative, see what he says and be willing to compromise from there.

HonestLie · 30/12/2014 16:13

clam its up to her because as per their agreement he is encroaching on her contact time without speaking to the OP to check that it suits. They have an agreement he is wanting to change it, fair enough. However, in these circumstances you can't just dictate a change to the norm it should be agreed upon in advance.

Llareggub · 30/12/2014 16:21

I don't think YABU. It's such a difficult situation to be in. My exH and I have an agreed arrangement in place and I have told him over and over that he is welcome to increase it. It infuriates me when he changes it; not because I am awkward but because I think it is important for the DCs to know when and where they are going to be.

herintheredskirt · 31/12/2014 07:11

Interesting comments about phone use. ...hijacking here......the one time 7yo DD decided she wanted to answer the phone to exP (exp has certain times to ring in contact schedule but dd usually not intetested), we hit an unforseen problem. DD took the phone into the living room and sat on the couch, all good. But her end of the conversation with exP involved shrill shrieky laughing (usual when talking to exP but not at home), and rude crass talk .....eg lots of farting and stinking words.......this went on and on, and I found myself having to think on the spot. Yes it's fine for Dd to choose to have a phone call with exp, yes it's fine for her to have a laugh or use a "rude" word.........but this went completely against what we do at home......it's ok to have a little giggle at bottom humour occasionally, but then we move on. We don't disrupt the whole house with continual screeching just before bedtime......if dd had a same age friend and we overheard that conversation we would gently and firmly suggest they move on to another topic......and it was really disruptive to the rest of us in the house. But I didn't want to tell dd off as it was another adult leading the conversation. And I didn't want to ask dd to go to her room with the phone and make her feel that it wasn't ok to talk to exP. .....but I felt like what was happening in my house was not ok. In the end I sort of looked in and asked dd to talk about something else with ExP and the conversation ended. But it felt really really invasive of exP.

riverboat1 · 31/12/2014 07:45

YANBU, but you have to work with the situation you have. Yes it's unfair to you and DCs that your ex won't get himself organised in advance and make a proper commitment. But you have limited ability to try to change his attitude. If you start to regularly deny ad hoc contact to try to teach him a lesson you risk him becoming even more irate because he'll probably just see it as you being unreasonable and keeping his kids from him, he'll just miss the actual point you're trying to make.

I think it's a case of pick your battles, don't deny ad hoc contact to try to teach him a lesson, only do it if you really do have other plans that he would be disrupting. And do whatever you can to manage your children's expectations. A bit of a tightrope act...

usefully · 31/12/2014 07:53

YANBU

it's bloody rude not to check with you first.

I've no idea how you would stop him doing this though, if he's determined to be a prick...

yellowdinosauragain · 31/12/2014 08:00

Why should the op be on call to his whims just because she happens to have no plans? Its her contact time! Sometimes the days with no plans where you chill together, play games, watch a film and go out for coffee and cake are the best days.

To those who think she's being unreasonable would it therefore be fine to call up the kids when they're with their dad and ask to take them out with no notice? Of course it wouldn't, because that's his time.

Moreover, she hasn't said he can't have this extra contact. Just that he needs to give her notice, because this is best for the kids. And that's the whole point isn't it? Contact is about what's best for the kids, not one parent deciding they're king of the arrangements and are going to make it as difficult as possible for the other.

WaitingForMe · 31/12/2014 08:31

OP isn't being the slightest bit unreasonable.

My stepkids' mum asks very politely if she wants to change contact and vice versa. It's about basic respect for another persons time. As for plans, one of the best things we have done with the kids this year has been playing monopoly and one of their favourite things to do with their mum is watch Strictly. You don't need to be going somewhere for time to be special.

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