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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send a stinging text to DSD

74 replies

TheSoulCakeDuck · 29/12/2014 23:12

I would like the MN jury to give me an honest opinion on this one.

DSD is in her 20's and lives reasonably nearby. DH (her dad) and her have a reasonably good relationship but I think she can treat him like crap sometimes and is either oblivious to the fact she has done so or he says nothing and let's her think she has done nothing wrong even though I know it upsets him.

We didn't see DSD over Christmas as she was with her mum and boyfriend but arranged to spend the day with DSD today and invited her boyfriend DSS and his girlfriend (who both came). Arranged all this well in advance and confirmed two days ago, did food etc.

It got to 1pm, no sign of her ,DSS and girlfriend were here, DH called her to see where she was as we wanted to serve lunch and she was at her boyfriends in city 2 hours away and said she'd be here later. Got to 5 pm and got a text message saying a friend had dropped in and it she now didn't want to drive as it was too icy.

I was furious but didn't say anything as I didn't want to spoil things for DSS and DH drafted a couple of texts but didn't send them as he doesn't want to upset DSD.

I guess I am asking, WIBU to send a stinging text to DSD saying exactly what I think or just leave it and let thing pass.

I'm not angry for me or the day or the wasted food, I'mjust angry and upset for DH as he doesn't deserve this kind of treatment

OP posts:
Spinaroo · 29/12/2014 23:13

I would let him say it, I think.

HarlotOTara · 29/12/2014 23:14

Why not speak instead of texting

DoubleValiumLattePlease · 29/12/2014 23:15

Well I would but I'm not known for cool, calm and reasoned judgement when someone I love has been hurt! I guess that means you probably shouldn't.

Icimoi · 29/12/2014 23:17

Someone needs to say something, because her behaviour was incredibly rude. But it should probably be your dh, not you.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 29/12/2014 23:17

Yes, you should stay out of it, your DH can express his sadness to her if he wants, but tbh, it's not really a big deal really and you don't know enough of the real reason she wasn't there - there could've been so many, some of them you'd be happy to support.

But even if she simply didn't give a toss about her father, it's not going to improve things you sending "stinging" text message. There's nothing positive to come out of that action.

pressone · 29/12/2014 23:18

I am a step-Mum and usually I would say it is for the biological parent to deal with. However in this case she is an adult visitor to your home who has backed out of an arrangement as something better came along who didn't even bother to contact you.

If you are angry because she behaved rudely then deal with that, leave any mention of DH out of it, however, if you are angry because of your DH's hurt feelings then you need to let him let him deal with her over that.

Original poster
TheSoulCakeDuck · 29/12/2014 23:18

Yes, I think I don't want to let rip and i have had a bit of wine so don't totally trust my judgement

OP posts:
newyearsresolutionsnotforme · 29/12/2014 23:18

You DH needs to stop start standing up to her.

If he won't do it now for himself and for letting you all down, what makes you think he'll stand up for you when DSD kicks off in response? What makes you think he won't side with her because he's so weak with her? Then everything messes up your end and DSD ends up satisfied that she's the victim.

Your DH needs to get clued up so you are both on the same page.

FreudiansSlipper · 29/12/2014 23:19

maybe mention it next time you see her, she could just be thoughtless

but you can not fix their relationship maybe their is unresolved issues between them

MuttonCadet · 29/12/2014 23:19

Don't send anything, leave it to DH if he wants to.

newyearsresolutionsnotforme · 29/12/2014 23:21

Have you told your DH how you feel? Especially about this?

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2014 23:21

Your DH chose not to send the texts he drafted, so you should respect that and leave it.

I understand how annoyed you must be, but this sounds a lot deeper and there might be resentment/history that's causing her indifference to him.

It's best left to them.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 29/12/2014 23:22

WIBU to send a stinging text to DSD saying exactly what I think

For whose benefit would that be other than to vent your own temper?

Discussing the matter calmly like adults could improve the situation, yes. But sending a deliberately nasty text message is not that and will only serve to anger both DH and DSD and damage relations between you and her and possibly her father and her. That is not conducive to improving how she treats him. Is it?

Original poster
TheSoulCakeDuck · 29/12/2014 23:24

Yes DH knows I'm annoyed (one of those whispered conversations in the hall), I'm annoyed about the sheer rudeness but I'm so upset for him as he has effectively played second (or even no) fiddle to a minor friend

OP posts:
2015 · 29/12/2014 23:25

I agree that you need to leave it completely to your DH. It's sad.

Original poster
TheSoulCakeDuck · 29/12/2014 23:27

Yes I know you are all right of course and I won't send anything and grit my teeth.

I think DSS might actually (unbidden) be fab here as he wasn't impressed either and saw the effect it had on his dad and might just intervene with his sister. But I won't encourage him to do so

OP posts:
Loopylala7 · 29/12/2014 23:29

YANBU to think this BUT it is not your place to say it I'm afraid.

Fedupofplaystation · 29/12/2014 23:31

DH should say something face to face.

Out of interest, how long have you been with DH? My Dad's wife would probably say that he has a reasonable relationship with me but that I sometimes treat him badly/ don't make an effort. My relationship with my father as an adult, is a reflection of what a twat he was when I was growing up. We've never discussed this and I am civil and so my Dad's wife probably thinks he was a doting Dad and I am just rude. Do you really know the ins and outs of their relationship?

On the other hand, in this case your DSD was particularly rude.

AlleyCat11 · 29/12/2014 23:31

Just don't invite her again. And see what happens next...

wheresthelight · 29/12/2014 23:32

I can completely sympathise op but agree it's not your place to say anything about hurt feelings. that said I would call or speak to her directly when she next graces you with her presence and point out that her behaviour is unacceptable and rude and if she intends to not come as arranged then she needs to give you ample warning so you don't have wasted food or people sat around for hours waiting for her.

in fact I might even go so far as to not bother preparing any food for her next visit and be a bit pa and say "oh well given recent history I didn't actually expect you to turn up"

CallMeExhausted · 29/12/2014 23:39

Sadly, unless you have a fabulous relationship, the "step" might actually negate what relationship you have with her, and drive a wedge between your DH and his DD.

Please ask your DH to have a word with her if he feels it is appropriate, but otherwise, as difficult as it is, you may need to take a step back.

Italiangreyhound · 29/12/2014 23:40

TheSoulCakeDuck what do you wish to achieve here? Make her behave, make her stick to arrangements, make her upset?

She has behaved very badly but it is not right for you to tell her so. Her dad may or may not choose to tell her she is upset, hurt or whatever.

Her brother might mention it.

Either of them speaking to her would have a much 'better' impact (I would imagine) so leave it to them.

In time she will grow up and learn things better but I don't think she will learn them well from you.

And maybe if it was a nice day and good food etc (which I am sure it was) she will realise she is missing out.

Italiangreyhound · 29/12/2014 23:42

Sorry ... typo.... Her dad may or may not choose to tell her he was upset, hurt or whatever.

BertieBotts · 29/12/2014 23:46

I was about to post similar to Playstation TBH.

I get the feeling my dad thinks he's all hard done by and that he's done loads for me and I'm probably ungrateful but all I can see is the gaping holes in the fathering he should have done; more so now I have a supportive DH who is unrelentingly there for my DS.

Neither of us particularly make the effort with the other, it's stupid, when we get together I get on great with him, with SM, with my half siblings and am always left feeling like we should do this more often but then he doesn't contact me for months and months. I feel like I'm an afterthought most of the time and he probably feels the same about me, but I don't see why I should go out of my way to make an effort with him when he has shown me time and time again that I am last priority in his life. He didn't even come to my whole wedding, just the ceremony. Said he felt "awkward". So I asked my mum to walk me down the aisle.

Sorry if this is not the case with your DH but I would suspect it's the way a lot of adult DSC feel, especially where the dad went on to have another family with their new wife, it does feel like a total rejection and like me and DSis were the messed up first batch. It makes me feel a bit sad and hopeless to see these kind of replies on mumsnet - the parents should be making the effort. IMO. Especially where there are stepfamilies and kids feel as though they have been replaced.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/12/2014 23:49

A text message is probably not the appropriate medium for addressing this issue.