To send a stinging text to DSD

[TheSoulCakeDuck]

I would like the MN jury to give me an honest opinion on this one.

DSD is in her 20's and lives reasonably nearby. DH (her dad) and her have a reasonably good relationship but I think she can treat him like crap sometimes and is either oblivious to the fact she has done so or he says nothing and let's her think she has done nothing wrong even though I know it upsets him.

We didn't see DSD over Christmas as she was with her mum and boyfriend but arranged to spend the day with DSD today and invited her boyfriend DSS and his girlfriend (who both came). Arranged all this well in advance and confirmed two days ago, did food etc.

It got to 1pm, no sign of her ,DSS and girlfriend were here, DH called her to see where she was as we wanted to serve lunch and she was at her boyfriends in city 2 hours away and said she'd be here later. Got to 5 pm and got a text message saying a friend had dropped in and it she now didn't want to drive as it was too icy.

I was furious but didn't say anything as I didn't want to spoil things for DSS and DH drafted a couple of texts but didn't send them as he doesn't want to upset DSD.

I guess I am asking, WIBU to send a stinging text to DSD saying exactly what I think or just leave it and let thing pass.

I'm not angry for me or the day or the wasted food, I'mjust angry and upset for DH as he doesn't deserve this kind of treatment

She's 20 years old and by not turning up she's has been very rude to you as well as the other family members.
I would say something to her but you could tone it down if it's going to cause a row. Just say to her that you were very disappointed that she couldn't make it, as you went to a lot of trouble in preparing the meal and would expect her to be more thoughtful in future.

She's in her 20's not 20.

In your shoes, I would be tempted to tell her (when you've calmed down and are not remotely tempted to send a stinker of a text) saying that she does not have to come to you at all if she does not want to, but please would she never stand you all up on such short notice again because of the hurt and disappointment it caused.

(Wondering what anyone else thinks of that approach. She's big enough not to be insulated from being made aware of the impact of her actions).

I think it would depend on how much you know about their relationship growing up. If my dad was still in my life then I don't think there would be any need to adhere to common decency. He has at no point earned it. If anyone chose to criticise me for it reply I'd in kind.

If he was a good dad and you knew that for sure then I'd encourage him to talk to his ds about it.

Say nothing.

You went to the effort of providing the meal to do a kindness for your DH presumably.
He has decided that he prefers not to confront his DD over this for whatever reason.
If you "dip your oar in" and "roil the waters" he will be even more upset.

You are in a position to make things worse for him, but not better. Just vent here on MN and be done with it.

The obligation, and formal invites with it considered rude if you don't turn up, and the stinging rebukes and bad feeling are not for families

Actually I agree with that (and I have sen the damage that rebutes can make too).

But then I would never not contact my parents (together or not) if I was late because I knew they would be worried sick and I wouldn't want them to. And it would be plain rude and I know it would be hurting them a lot (and I wouldn't want to do that)

For me this reads as of there is much more to that than what the OP has said. Bertie might have a possible reason. Another is that the OP's DH has fallen into the 'Disney dad' partern and she is just used to be uncaring about him as he never has said anything to her before. Whatever it is, there is some history there and I reckons that the OP's DH and the Dsd histories would be very different.

OP I wouldn't send a text that is likely to be not well received at all. I would let your DH amke arranagement regarding his dd and how/when he wants to see her. Just be there to support him, listen to him.
And carry on ensuring that his relationship with his ds stays as good as it looks from your post.

Sometimes people have a better offer and behave in a selfish way to suit themselves. There isn't always some deeper reason.

OP I understand how you feel having been on the receiving end of similar behaviour from my SS's. However as as a StepMum I would let it go. Your DH needs to sort this out (but if anything like mine won't). You will be made into the bad guy if you try. Keep the door open if you can.

My sister also regularly used to do this and it drove my Mum mad. Sometimes it is nothing to do with stepfamilies at all. Some people are just selfish.

You went to the effort of providing the meal to do a kindness for your DH presumably.

If this is the case, then the OPs DHs decision not to pull his DD up on her rudeness is very disrespectful to the OP, isn't it? He needs to man-up and deal with his DD treating her family (including the OP) so shabbily. If he doesn't, it becomes a DH problem, not a DSC problem.

Is it possible she has some anger towards her Dad, and shows it in passive-aggressive ways like this? Because if so, you sending her a snipey text won't help. If they have issues, maybe family counselling is in order. Or perhaps there aren't any skeletons in the closet and she's just a bit of a cow. But if there is a negative background maybe your DH should make an effort at trying to make amends, and then just let go and leave the ball in her court. That's what my biological father did, and I'm happy to leave the ball sitting there tbh!

i would really want to send a snotty text back saying "you ungrateful cow - never darken my doorway again you bitch from hell!" -

buuut you need to be/stay the grown up and send a message like CaroleLJ suggests (grrrrr.....)

"It got to 1pm, no sign of her ,DSS and girlfriend were here, DH called her to see where she was as we wanted to serve lunch and she was at her boyfriends in city 2 hours away and said she'd be here later. Got to 5 pm and got a text message saying a friend had dropped in and it she now didn't want to drive as it was too icy."

So, DSD would have had to leave her boyfriend's at 11am at the very latest to be at her dad's by 1pm. Once it had passed 11am she knew she would be late, even if nobody else knew until 1pm. She knew. Even if she had been in the middle of the best shagathon ever, she knew as soon as she went to her boyfriend's city that she had to leave by 11am. Yet she made no attempt to call and let you know she would be late. It's not like she can teleport and it's not like the rest of you are telepathic; from 11am onwards she knew she was going to be keeping people waiting. And a text at 5pm means she had no intention of showing up before 7pm.

She does have to be pulled up on her behaviour, but now is not the time and certainly not by text. This is a face-to-face job. It may be that DSS will do it, but there's no reason why you can't say anything. Personally, I'd do the 'disappointed host/confused stepparent'. Ask why she hadn't let you all know sooner, is there anything wrong, anything she wants to talk about. Allow for the possibility that she was in the middle of a huge blazing row with her boyfriend and was saving face. Should there be nothing of that sort, I'd move into 'why-would-you-treat-us-all-so rudely-and-are-you-even-aware-that-you-are-being-rude' mode. Stressing on the 'all', she's not singling your DH out at least.

Why not speak instead of texting

Why? How, on Gods luscious green earth, would that make any difference whatsoever to the situation?

Absolutely zero. Excellent feedback.

Actually talking on the phone or face to face is better than a text in this situation.

I have been thinking about this as I am a step-mother, there are 15 years between my DSS and me, and his now wife. My DSS lived with us full time when he was younger and there was an expectation for me to fulfil the 'mother' role, so I would address issues that concerned me. He and I have a relatively good relationship. However, if he behaved as the OP's DSD behaved I would be very pissed off and would say so, why should I or anyone else be treated with so little respect. Sometimes people need to be pulled up on their lack of consideration, I would have rung up and asked if the Step-child was coming and if not would have pointed out how rude they were being, in an assertive way without, I hope being aggressive. I have had a similar issue today regarding babysitting and being messed around. I have pointed out the lack of manners and made a mental note not be put in this position again

I think it's different though. It doesn't sound like the DSD and op have lived in the same household. It sounds like the op tried to host a holiday meal to help facilitate her DP's relationship with his children. Which was a kind and generous thing to do.

On the face of it, the relationship between the DSD and DP doesn't sound too good, but we don't know all the old history. And possibly, the OP doesn't either! I do get the impression that it matters a great deal to the DP.

So, the OP runs the risk of going from the "angel" cooking and hosting everyone to the interfering witch ruining the DP's relationship with his DD. I realise this wouldn't be "fair" but I could easily see it happening.

Don't borrow trouble/drama OP! You are perfectly reasonable to be annoyed, but i'd side-step this mess.

I was going to say it's up to your DH but honestly she was your guest too and was incredibly rude not to phone to say she'd be late. It's not your place to say anything about hurt feelings but a text re the inconvenience of preparing for people who don't arrive and don't have the good manners to let you know would be appropriate.

I think it would be adding fuel to a fire.

It really depends on the OP's prime objective. If you are really annoyed OP and want some "satisfaction" then send the text. If you are worried about your DP, then don't.

But isn't it about drawing a line in the sand? Saying I won't be treated with such disrespect, I expect there are deeper issues, as there are in any family, but unless you state the boundaries that are acceptable people will just piss all over you. I have learn't this over the years and it doesn't need to be done aggressively

Let it go.
Or you will make things worse.
And she will hate you.

I'm not necessarily saying you're in the wrong btw, it's hard to tell not knowing all th details.

I agree. I wouldn't be keen to plan/cook/host another meal after this experience!

It's just a red flag for me that the DP doesn't want to deal with this.

Why should the poor stepmum wade in? Really, it's his relationship. She barely has one with her DSD, and, frankly if I were her, I would take this as a sign that DSD wasn't interested in developing one either. So why waste her time and emotional energy getting into someone else's conflict. I'd steer well clear.

I'm just wondering if there's a back story between your DH and his DD?

I have what I perceive to be an 'awkward' relationship with my father - over the years he's lied, cheated (on my mum, when they were married) and blundered his way through life (taking my mum's life savings with him). No apology, no understanding of why I or my brother might have found this hard during our late teenage years. He thinks I am melodramatic (I am now 27) and seems suprised when I have tried to talk about it. As a result, I find it hard to be 'normal' with him now. His new wife (I strongly suspect, although don't know for certain) seems to have not been told any of this (and why would she, if he can't see what he did wrong). I'm not going to tell her, I don't feel it's my business to cause waves in their marriage. However, she often 'disapproves' by text at me if I can't make an event (because well, I dont want to) or don't phone him for months. It drives me mad, partly because I can't explain myself without going into some still-raw emotions.

My point is, might there be an undercurrent to her behavior? And is there any chance your DH might play a part in it?

It's certainly his problem to sort out, not yours. Although you can nudge him to get on and talk to her properly - my gosh I would be thrilled if my dad did such a thing!

"bertie it's interesting to read that because it seems to contradict the oft-given advice that teens should be given the choice as to whether to spend time with their NRP or not.

It's a vicious circle, isn't it? "

I agree it's a vicious circle. Which is what I'm stuck in. Feeling hurt when I see that my dad sent Christmas presents to his nephew but not to me and DSis or his grandson, but not sending him so much as a card myself. Stupid really.

But I think I maybe haven't made my thoughts clear on the teen thing - I don't think that you should force a teenager to see the NRP if they really don't want to go. (Of course if it's a teenage strop, I'd rather be hanging out with my friends, then tough :) and I think you're doing the right thing). It's more keeping that line of communication open. Kids do reject their parents - toddlers do it, school aged kids do it, teenagers and young adults do it. When you live with them you just have to be there for them and keep showing them that you love them. The NRP if they are more removed to start with has that option to withdraw further. I think this is the worst thing they can do! Children reject and withdraw to test that love. Withdrawing in kind just reinforces that belief that they are unlovable, or that they don't matter to that particular person, if they are lucky. It's basically the quickest way to destroy any trust and faith your child has in you. If they don't have another source to draw from, you're destroying their trust and faith in themselves too.

Children (and teenagers and young adults too) act in immature ways, it's up to adults to recognise that and be stronger and not offended by what is essentially a child acting like a child. I think there's a tendency when parents divorce that the assumption is that the parenting is done by the RP, and the NRP is there more like an aunty or grandparent figure, as a sort of extra adult, they might impart a few grains of wisdom but that their input somehow isn't as important any more. It is, frighteningly so - even if you're not there every day children will take something from the way that you interact and are with them. It's so important. I'm glad that it's better known now that using the children as emotional pawns or go betweens is damaging but it goes so much further than that, it's not enough not to play games with them. You have to be there for them as you always thought you would be while being geographically and time-basis far apart. That must be extraordinarily hard, I can't pretend it's not, but then, so is day to day parenting, especially single parenting. It's just a different kind of landscape we have to navigate when families look so different today than they have in past generations.

Sorry I've ended up going so off topic. If anything can come from this I would urge any NRP to touch base with their DC, especially older or adult DC, just ask them honestly if there is more they need and whether they can check in more, not "stuff" but emotional connections. It's easy to check in when you live with someone full time, it takes more effort when you don't, but it's worth it long term.

And there's a gender split here too and perhaps a generational thing, isn't there? Men of that generation (now in their 50s/60s) not finding it easy to open dialogues about emotion, about how they might have let people down. I mean that's never easy for anybody but particularly when the "stiff upper lip, boys don't cry, men don't get things wrong, especially when it comes to children" thinking is prevalent. I mean it's hard enough to get them to visit a doctor, let alone open up to their own children and potentially hear some upsetting truths.

Also another poster where to people looking at it now, my lack of giving much of a shit about my dad comes across as rude as he's now a little old man who acts like butter wouldn't melt. But the fact is HE let me down and hurt me far more as a child/teen than I ever could him. In lots of cases you reap what you sow.