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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send a stinging text to DSD

74 replies

TheSoulCakeDuck · 29/12/2014 23:12

I would like the MN jury to give me an honest opinion on this one.

DSD is in her 20's and lives reasonably nearby. DH (her dad) and her have a reasonably good relationship but I think she can treat him like crap sometimes and is either oblivious to the fact she has done so or he says nothing and let's her think she has done nothing wrong even though I know it upsets him.

We didn't see DSD over Christmas as she was with her mum and boyfriend but arranged to spend the day with DSD today and invited her boyfriend DSS and his girlfriend (who both came). Arranged all this well in advance and confirmed two days ago, did food etc.

It got to 1pm, no sign of her ,DSS and girlfriend were here, DH called her to see where she was as we wanted to serve lunch and she was at her boyfriends in city 2 hours away and said she'd be here later. Got to 5 pm and got a text message saying a friend had dropped in and it she now didn't want to drive as it was too icy.

I was furious but didn't say anything as I didn't want to spoil things for DSS and DH drafted a couple of texts but didn't send them as he doesn't want to upset DSD.

I guess I am asking, WIBU to send a stinging text to DSD saying exactly what I think or just leave it and let thing pass.

I'm not angry for me or the day or the wasted food, I'mjust angry and upset for DH as he doesn't deserve this kind of treatment

OP posts:
spinduchess · 29/12/2014 23:49

Yep, this is up to DH to fix. Stay well clear, you'll only get branded the wicked stepmother.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 29/12/2014 23:54

sadly, it sounds like your DH expects this kind of treatment from his daughter, so chances are , he'll let it slide.

But she confirms 2 days before a pre-arranged meal.
Then your DH had to chase her up , she's 2 hours away but CBA letting you know.
Then four hours later she CBA phoning you but sends a text that someone else has turned up , and it's too icy to drive.

Well, that has left you in no doubt where you all fit in the great scheme of things eh? Rude little madam Angry

In future, don't go out of your way to do anything for her.
YY , she can come round, but only if it suits you.
Not only was she extremely rude, wasted food and disappointed everyone, you must've been worried sick in case there'd been an accident.

Is her BF usually this inconsiderate too?

oneowlgirl · 29/12/2014 23:57

I think you should leave them to it - a text from you really won't serve any purpose.

I'd be interested to know what their relationship is really like from her perspective as my dad likely feels hard done by & like he was the best dad ever, when that's not the case at all (that said, I wouldn't be rude & not turn up, I simply wouldn't have accepted in the first instance).

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2014 00:06

At what point is the stepmother allowed to say what she thinks?
As this DSD is an adult who has treated her DF and her stepmother badly, why can't the OP tell her so?

I understand why stepmums can't always intervene with young children, but this isn't the case here.
It is the OP's home. I bet it was the OP who did most of the work today (I stand to be corrected!) and I don't see why she should accept being treated so badly and then having to accept that her DH won't say anything in case his daughter is offended!

oneowlgirl · 30/12/2014 00:09

I don't actually think it's her place to say - the DSD is only there (or not in this case) because of her dad, not the Op, so it's up to him to speak to her. [id say the same if it were a friend of her husband - it's the person who has the relationship with the individual should be the one to challenge in my opinion].

Bulbasaur · 30/12/2014 01:33

The thing about zingers is that usually they accomplish little more than making you feel better. It won't solve the problem or make her any more willing to come over.

We too have a FIL that bemoans about how we never visit him. To an outsider looking in, it does look like we're not making an effort to a perfectly loving father/grandfather. He's very good at playing the martyr. But when we invite him somewhere he doesn't meet us half way, it always has to be on his terms. As Playstation has said, it is a reflection of how FIL treated DH growing up.

Kids that have a good relationship with their parents don't just ditch them on holidays. Your DH may have felt like second fiddle today, but how often did DSD feel second fiddle to his plans? Something to think about.

If this is a pattern of behavior, DH and DSD need to examine their relationship and what they want out of it. DH being the adult may need to be the one to initiate that conversation.

As for you, you can send a text saying you're disappointed she backed out of plans and how it affected you. But I wouldn't talk about DH and how it affected him, or get angry on his behalf. That's for those two to work out for themselves.

skildpadden · 30/12/2014 01:40

Is it that terrible? She was going to come but in the end she didnt. Your step son and his gf were there.

Mrsstarlord · 30/12/2014 08:00

Skildpadden

Erm... Yes, she planned a day, including buying and preparing food at a time which suited everyone and then 2 people just didn't turn up.
I'd have been livid, but I would hand it over to dh to deal with for now. The most I would do is to next time we speak, calmly point out to dsd that she needs to gve us more notice next time as we had catered specifically for her.

Violetta999 · 30/12/2014 08:08

Friends are probably a life line and very important up her - so don't knock her relationship with them.

It's really down to your DH or your DSS to express things. You need to keep your nose out. It might be that she assumes DH doesn't mind because he has never complained before. I think he is partly to blame in a small way

Rosa · 30/12/2014 08:15

I disagree with all the comments about what he has / has not done in the past and how the relationship is - also with how 'you might have behaved in the relationship . FGS DSD is an adult and at 20 she should have enough manners to say either Thank you and turn up or say in advance ' No sorry I have other plans '. She has been bloody rude also after the lunchtime phone call even ruder by not turning up in the afternoon . I would be fuming but keep the upper hand and don't bother again.

Inkspellme · 30/12/2014 09:44

but does she not behave like that because there are no consequences to it? She knows her dad won't say anything so she does it knowing that. maybe he wasn't there enough when she was growing up but it is just as possible that he was and that she is just being rude and inconsiderate as she is immature and needs pulling up on it.

Having said that, If I was the op I wouldn't send that text. It could be used in all sorts of arguements and really achieve nothing at all. I think I would ask dh that if any other guest behaved that way would he be ok with it or would he find it rude? Would he do the same if he was invited somewhere? I am guessing the honest answer to both those questions is no so his daughters behaviour is rude. However, there is a whole complicated relationship going on there so at that point I would butt out and leave him to address the situation (or not ) as he sees fit.

longjane · 30/12/2014 09:52

Wow a 20 year old who boyfriend and freinds are more appealing than parents

It that so surprising.

TheVioletTinsel · 30/12/2014 10:01

I agree longjane that is just as likely an explanation as assuming the ops dh wasn't a good parent. Hopefully dss will have a word about her flaky behaviour and how rude it is op

Inkspellme · 30/12/2014 10:12

longjane - nope not surprising but not really a good excuse to be rude either.

Mrsstarlord · 30/12/2014 10:16

Inkspellme - exactly!

It's basic manners not some sort of self sacrifice.

PeruvianFoodLover · 30/12/2014 10:19

I don't actually think it's her place to say - the DSD is only there (or not in this case) because of her dad

If the DSDs relationship with the OP is "incidental" then the OP can't be expected to make any effort to maintain it, can she?

A bit like all those DILaws who do the running with their PILaw because their DH wouldn't bother.

OP, lesson learned. Don't waste time and effort on someone who thinks so little of you; invest time and effort in those relationships that are reciprocal - your DSS sounds lovely Smile

CaroleLJ · 30/12/2014 10:22

DSD has been very rude but I don't think that kind of text will be at all helpful.

I'd be tempted to send something like 'Sorry you didn't make it- we were disappointed not to see you. Hope all well. See you soon' This recognises that you feel let down and doesn't make a drama out of it.

worldismyoyster · 30/12/2014 10:25

all I can say is...let it pass....
we had a similar issue over Christmas.

meal ready for 1pm.
son, granddaughter etc arrived.

1.30 no show from nephew and children.
2pm no show ...
2.30 no show but text to say running late ...short drive of about 30 mins....
we decided to eat-we were hungry by then-
nephew turns up at 3...strolls in, makes a joke "couldn't get up" then carries on as nothing happened.
we had finished meal (which was lovely) I served nephew and children...

thought about it after, I was so pissed off but didn't let it show not wanting to spoil the day.

but decided to..let..it..pass.

BUT there won't be a next time, it's not the first time either.
don't mention it again, just no more invites for a meal or anything, if she turns up, a cheese sandwich will do if you are feeling generous.
actually, it's not your problem,
it's their issue, let them sort it, you could only make it worse, send the text and will be the bad guy.
keep out of it.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 30/12/2014 11:47

I really don't get most of the views in the thread. Why would you want someone you love and care for (which I'm going to assume you do your daughter) to come and see you out of obligation? I want my loved ones to be happy, and I fully expect that to mean they want to spend time away from me. I also want them to know that if they get a better offer, or just can't be arsed, that it's completely fine to sack me off in favour of it.

The obligation, and formal invites with it considered rude if you don't turn up, and the stinging rebukes and bad feeling are not for families and they're not for friends. If formality is your family way, then it's still not appropriate to send stinging rebukes or similar, as that's informal.

Make your home welcoming, don't make it an obligation, and people might attend readily.

Inkspellme · 30/12/2014 13:08

I see my family not out of obligation but because I want to. If my family or friends go the effort of preparing food for me - whether formal or informal - I would be rude to simply not appear. it's nothing to do with formal, informal or any feeling of obligation but rather manners and a recognition of effort on their behalf.

Dancingincircles · 30/12/2014 13:20

I would let it slide due to her age. She was probably doing something much more fun than attending a family dinner and just didn't want to leave. Yes it's a bit selfish and rude etc but she's in her 20's these things happen. Plus it means you got quality time with DSS and his girlfriend.
If she's a pain then I'd have been secretly relieved she hadn't made it and potentially caused an atmosphere.
I personally wouldn't have been wasting my time counting the minutes she wasn't there and would have just got on with my day with whomever I was with, enjoyed it and put some food by for her to heat up if she did come over. I certainly wouldn't keep pestering her.

Dancingincircles · 30/12/2014 13:22

I certainly would not be sending stinging texts as that's just ridiculous. I would move on and get over it tbh.

notinagreatplace · 30/12/2014 14:35

Slightly bemused by the idea that making arrangements to meet is "formal" and creating some kind of "obligation". How do you ever meet up with people, fred if making and keeping any kind of agreement to meet is just too much obligation/formality?

I am also bemused by the "she's 20, what do you expect?" responses. I think anyone, even a 20 year old, is perfectly aware that if someone says "Hey, do you want to come over for dinner on X day at Y time?", they can say "no, sorry, I can't make it" - which is, of course, fine and I'm sure the OP would have been ok with it or "yes, please" in which case the expectation is that they turn up and, if something comes up, that they phone and let their hosts know. I'm sure she is aware that, if she did this to her boyfriend/friends, she wouldn't have them in her life any longer.

If someone completely fails to turn up to something that they said they would come to, it is incredibly rude and it's not unreasonable to be upset by it. If she didn't want to come and preferred to spend time with her boyfriend/friends, she shouldn't have agreed to come in the first place.

I think I'd be inclined just not to initiate any contact for a while.

BertieBotts · 30/12/2014 15:06

" ...assuming the ops dh wasn't a good parent."

That wasn't what I was saying at all. My dad was, is, always a good dad. When he's around. It's just the nature of remarriage and the fact he had young DC, was geographically further away, didn't see me often enough as a teenager to know how to speak to me at all, I have young DC, I know it's all encompassing and time slips away and they take up all of your money and time and if I look at the situation as a whole I think I probably am the one being childish and petty, but it still hurts to know that he won't reach out and make extra effort for us. He has so much input into my half siblings' lives and while I can see that's just happened because it's easier, because he's there so he has to do it for them, that makes me feel even worse in some ways. In parenting you don't get to just do what is easy, you should do what is right and what is fair.

PeruvianFoodLover · 30/12/2014 15:19

bertie it's interesting to read that because it seems to contradict the oft-given advice that teens should be given the choice as to whether to spend time with their NRP or not.

It's a vicious circle, isn't it?

Teens are difficult to engage with at the best of times, and if they opt out of contact, then their relationship with their NRP slips, and so the contact that does take place is more awkward, so it is avoided by the teen......and eventually, the teen grows into an adult who is hurt because they are in the peripheries of their Dads life.

I've always insisted that my DD has an equal relationship with her Dad - despite many people saying it's not fair on her to be split between two homes, families etc - but my view is that long-term, this is the best way of retaining two parents in her life.