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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD1 wants to go travelling alone

97 replies

eburton4 · 29/12/2014 19:42

She is the eldest of 4, will be 18 in Feb and has just told me that she wants to go interrailing around Europe for about a month after she has finished her A-levels in the summer. She plans to travel alone for most or all of the journey. I've made it clear that I wouldn't be happy with this (in particular because she has rarely travelled independently before) but of course she's playing the 'I'll-be-an-adult-then' card. AIBU and if not, how can I prevent her from going? She's said that she will pay for the whole trip herself

OP posts:

UptheChimney · 30/12/2014 09:21

I don't get it. She's 18 and little experience of independent travel? She's been mollycoddled, IMO. But then I left home at 17 to start university & another member of my family went away at 15 to a specialist training school, living independently hundreds of miles from his parents.

We were all much more resilient 40 years ago, and had bigger horizons and greater ambition.

Let her go. "Europe" is a normal place, full of normal people. Indeed, the UK is part of Europe!

R4roger · 30/12/2014 09:29

what about Camp America? or Bunacamp?
or are there such schemes in the continent?

LightastheBreeze · 30/12/2014 09:35

She's going by train around Europe, why would you want to stop her, there are much worse things she could want to do.

She could be hitch-hiking like people did in ye olde days.

rainyevening · 30/12/2014 09:38

You should be really pleased you've raised someone with so much get up and go. Good for her for being able to fund a trip like that. I know people whose kids are mithering away in their bedrooms until well into their twenties, not really properly functioning in the adult world. Imagine that as an alternative...Isn't it better that she wants to be out there doing stuff?

Branleuse · 30/12/2014 09:40

i wish id travelled more when younger instead of half the shit at home i got up to to get my kicks.

Why on earth would you want to stop her is absolutely beyond me

FanSpamTastic · 30/12/2014 09:45

I'd say "darling that is fabulous, sounds like you have it all worked out. By the way do you fancy watching Liam Neeson's film "Taken" with me tonight? It's about a girl who goes travelling to Paris with a friend!"

Being serious though I am sure there are ways to put your mind at rest. Regular calls home - an itinerary with planned stops. I went off to uni at 18 and rarely if ever called my mum. I travelled abroad without telling her where I was going (just didn't occur to me that she would need to know as it was in term time). The only time I ever had to call her for help was when I got stuck in Birmingham trying to get from Liverpool to London!

Fadingmemory · 30/12/2014 09:57

You may be a parent who worries if your daughter is at a friend's for the night or out in town. If so, you will never be free of it. You need to learn strategies to cope, not to curtail her activities.

Be interested and enthusiastic and she will talk to you about her trip. You can then talk about safety. She is far more likely to get an immense amount out of the trip and have a whole load of fun than she is to have difficulties.

She could be run over on a pelican crossing a mile from home, or meet a creep in a cafe down the road. Exactly what are your fears? That she will grow away from you, rather than that something awful will happen to her? How do you feel about her going away to university or following another path? Are you worried about that?

'If you love it, let it go and it will forever return to you. If you try to imprison it, it will forever try to break free' (not the exact quote I think, but the gist nevertheless)

I will sound harsh to some MNers I know but I have suffered all my life from guilt-tripping family members (which of course you may not be). Part of parenting is knowing when to suffer in silence and that may be what you should do.

velourvoyageur · 30/12/2014 09:58

would have thought all parents would want their kids to travel!
It's the perfect age....travelling is brilliant if that's what they want to do.

Mmmicecream · 30/12/2014 10:10

If your concerned you could point her in the direction of a company like Busabout or the like? That way she can still travel alone but will be with a bunch of other people in the same boat although most will be aussies and kiwis

Not "interailing" as such but a really good middle ground between doing a tour and being totally alone

Pixa · 30/12/2014 10:27

YANBU to be worried. YABU if you try and stop her.

Why not be proactive in the planning stage? You can see her plans, give advice and you will be more involved. I wish my own DM would have been more involved rather than arguing about my wanting to explore.

Trickytricky · 30/12/2014 10:34

I travelled around Australia by myself when I was 18. I learnt so much about myself and life in general.

I would let her go - isn't being a parent all about watching your DC fly the nest and enjoy their life? As pp have said, make sure she's properly researched what she wants to do/see and get her to fund it herself. I worked in the local pub for months to save up and it made it all the better because of that!

CalleighDoodle · 30/12/2014 10:48

Yanbu! I would be terrified. I would feel much better if there was say three of them going. Always travel
in threes is what we were told on GCSE Geography field trip!

Is there anyway a friend an also go? Btw i am totally jealous of your daughter!

MagnetsOnItsTail · 30/12/2014 10:54

Pointless Resolution's comment about overnight trips in the UK is a good one. Maybe the OP's DD could do a couple of trips to European cities, somewhere accessible like Paris or Berlin for a practice run, funds permitting.

DrinaDancesInParis · 30/12/2014 11:03

I went travelling around India for a year when I was eighteen. It was the best thing I ever did (up until that point anyway!): difficult, inspiring, eye-opening. They are some of my most precious memories many many many years later.

I missed my Mum A LOT. This was before skype etc. I had never truly appreciated how much I loved her and how important she was to me, as I'd never really been away from home for a long period of time before. Being away made me really understand how lucky I was to have such a supportive and loving family. I had been quite the brat before (not saying your DD is like this!)

It isn't a case of 'letting' her go as PP have said. But send her off with good grace, be excited for her. Try not to ruin the exciting planning stage! And now that there is facetime, skype etc it really won't feel so bad (you'll be able to check up on her, my poor Mum had to wait for me to call her on phone cards!

CheeseBuster · 30/12/2014 11:17

YABU.

tiggytape · 30/12/2014 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SunnyBaudelaire · 30/12/2014 11:40

young adults are so mollycoddled these days.

I understand your worry but honestly I think you should give her some extra money and wave her off at the station without crying.

SunnyBaudelaire · 30/12/2014 11:41

and what tiggy said is great - give her some tools for coping.
Remind her to lock her hotel door from the inside and things like that.

grovel · 30/12/2014 12:31

Guide her to this site

www.hostelworld.com/

Mehitabel6 · 30/12/2014 13:22

People will keep saying 'let her go' as if she won't be an adult. Had she wanted to go on camp America or similar she would have chosen it, R4roger.
If you are worried make sure that she tries out some journeys before next year by train.

butterfliesinmytummy · 30/12/2014 14:53

Has she not done school exchanges? I did aged 10, 11 and 12 for a week at a time. We are in the USA and kids go to camp here, my 8 year old did 4 nights of swimming in lakes and rock climbing last summer. It will just be like other trips but for a bit longer.

Mmmicecream · 30/12/2014 19:25

Ug I can't think of anything worse than travelling in threes - having done that before one person always gets left out! I'd recommend an even number

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