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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD1 wants to go travelling alone

97 replies

eburton4 · 29/12/2014 19:42

She is the eldest of 4, will be 18 in Feb and has just told me that she wants to go interrailing around Europe for about a month after she has finished her A-levels in the summer. She plans to travel alone for most or all of the journey. I've made it clear that I wouldn't be happy with this (in particular because she has rarely travelled independently before) but of course she's playing the 'I'll-be-an-adult-then' card. AIBU and if not, how can I prevent her from going? She's said that she will pay for the whole trip herself

OP posts:

5Foot5 · 29/12/2014 20:04

I can understand why you would be worried, I have a DD of a similar age and I would worry too. But I agree with PP that she is old enough to have this ort of adventure alone and there isn't really anything you can or should do to prevent her.

Maybe it would help alleviate your fears if you talk to her about her plans, find out what research she has done in to where she wants to go, where she will stay, what she will do when she gets there etc. I don't mean take over and plan it for her - just take an interest and encourage her to share her plans and thoughts with you.

She might surprise you by how much thought she has put in to it. And if she hasn't then your (supportive) interest might encourage her to start thinking and planning properly

Silvergran68 · 29/12/2014 20:05

You can't stop her if she's going to be 18 and paying her own way.
My daughter went at the same age, 20 years ago, pre mobile phones and domestic email.
She admitted on return that she almost panicked on her arrival in Paris but met up with someone at the hostel, did a few days with her, and was OK afterwards.
Had a great time and went to the USA the following year, again on her own. Just warning you! (And yes, of course we worried, you never stop do you?

Ebb · 29/12/2014 20:07

She'll have an amazing time. It'll be harder for you sat at home worrying about ' your baby'. I met so many people travelling. There's always someone who'll recommend a good hostel or ones to avoid and where to go and what's not worth seeing. I will encourage both my children to travel although I'm sure I'll be more anxious when the time comes.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 29/12/2014 20:08

op I would too be shaking with terror and probably will be when dcs go off and do this things, but I would much rather then be in Europe, nice and close to fly too should there be an emergency! rather than oz or thailand...

also if you start to get excited for her and support her you can then take a hand in planning and so on, and hep choose and review youth hostels and so on...and help her with a route and apply your adult wisdom to her young enthusiasm.

i went to oz at 18 , first big trip..i was quite cautious and street wise though.

Viviennemary · 29/12/2014 20:11

I wouldn't be at all happy about this.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 29/12/2014 20:11

YABU. Totally. She only wants to go inter - railing for a month; plenty of 18 year olds will be off to Australia, or India, working and travelling for a year. Alone is the best way to do it - a freedom like no other, nobody to fall out with - and you do tend to stay more altert and careful alone IMO. My first gap year was probably the best year of my life (India, Nepal, Thailand, Vietnam, back to Thailand where I got dengue fever but didn't tell my parents as I didn't want to be rescued Malaysia, Singapore, Indonesia, Australia. 21 years ago, before mobile phones - I wrote a letter a week and phoned once a month. The best year of my life - I left 3 weeks after my last A level, which I took on my 18th birthday.

If you try to stop her she'll go anyway, but resent you and not share as much/ stay in as close contact. Let her go. You can't stop her, if she's got anything about her :D

Of course you'll worry, but the holy grail of aim parenting is surely to bring up a capable, independent adult ready to take on the world without you - not being able to let go is almost as bad as not being there when she does need you.

IAmAPaleontologist · 29/12/2014 20:12

I went off for a year at that age. Started in Bangkok and went on to Aus and Fiji. I worked along the way, sometimes hired a car or something with some people I met in a hostel. Some stuff I got right, some stuff I got wrong. Sometimes I was content in my own company and sometimes I was bloody miserable. Overall it was a good year and I found a lot of confidence and self reliance.

A month in Europe sounds great, give her some support to plan her trip around what she wants to see/what she wants to get out of it and wave her off with a smile then come back and sit in her empty bedroom and have a bot of a sob. If she is miserable and broke she can hop on a train and me home in a few hours from most places.

WoTmania · 29/12/2014 20:12

Yes YABU but I can understand where you're coming from.
Since there's nothing you can do to stop her going why not join in the planning and research so you know her route etc and know she's able to keep herself and belongings safe. It'll be a fab, fun trip for her.

attheendoftheday · 29/12/2014 20:17

I was travelling solo at younger than that and much further away. It was a very positive experience. Honestly, she'll meet other people and won't be alone the whole time, and travelling in Europe is pretty tame and easy.

I can't see any way you could stop her anyway. I don't think you should try.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 29/12/2014 20:19

My DH did this at 18. I wish I had.

Hatespiders · 29/12/2014 20:25

She should be fine in Europe, and it's excellent that she's confident enough to do this. My niece (20) went alone all round Australia on a working/tourist Visa for a whole year and had a superb time. They come back all grown-up and mature beyond recognition! You have to let youngsters go I'm afraid.

emeraldislegirl · 29/12/2014 20:27

I was a little older but headed to India then Asia for 6 months alone.
I grew up. I experienced self reliance and realised I could look after myself. I wished I had done it earlier. I met loads of people traveling too. Some times I moved on with people, at others I went alone. I had a fantastic time.

My poor parents had to wait for a weekly letter to know I was alive and well but with texting and emails she will be fine.

MuscatBouschet · 29/12/2014 20:33

Encourage her to start in Northern Europe where it is really safe. I started my interrailing by taking a flight to Oslo and doing Scandinavia. Expensive to drink, which could be a plus!

Or how about suggest you all do a short family holiday in the European city she wants to start at and wave her on her way from there.

It is worth remembering that all the decent hostels in Northern Europe get very booked up in July and August so encourage her to book a couple of days ahead until she gets the hang of it.

It'll be the making of her (and I also think travelling with friends is a recipe for falling out)!

JustWantToBeDorisAgain · 29/12/2014 20:36

I did exactly the same, ( I went with a friend first at 18 then solo at 19 ) it was fantastic ! There are so many teens / young adults traveling alone . I met loads of people and travelled onto to places with others before meeting someone else for the next leg...

livingzuid · 29/12/2014 20:37

YABVU. She will also be classed as an adult then and there is nothing you can do to stop her. What a wonderful adventure for her to have and fantastic that she wants to pay for it herself. You should support her in building her independence and be proud that she wants to do something like this, not be alienating her - that will just drive her further away. These sorts of adventures are character building, will broaden her horizons and are educational in a number of different ways.

It's only Interailing round Europe, not somewhere far more dangerous!

PointlessResolutions · 29/12/2014 20:40

I'd be spending the time between now and then encouraging her to organise some shorter overnights on her own around the UK to get used to the practicalities - get her practised so that she can go away confident in what she'll find. Lots of research too around where she is planning to go. Travel insurance, money, social media contact all planned - and off she goes.

Yes, you will worry. That's your job. It's also your job to let her spread her wings.

meandjulio · 29/12/2014 20:43

I'm with the majority, YABU.

What do you mean by 'hasn't travelled much independently'? You do read threads on here about teenagers who have literally not taken a bus on their own before. But even if that's the case, you cannot and should not stop her spreading her wings.

I was the most unstreetwise teenager you could really imagine (although I had done a bit of independent stuff before, like cycling to Eastbourne ). I was fine. My sister put the wind up me about Dangerous Men, which wasn't a bad idea tbh as I'd only met nice geeky boys, and I barely lifted my eyes from the pavement in fear for the first three weeks. After a bit I looked up. Nothing awful happened. I had tiny adventures (like buying my own food in a language I only knew a few words of - which didn't include 'half' - I ended up with a whole cheese). I had a wonderful time, in the end, and it made me the woman I am today (partly).

feckitall · 29/12/2014 21:29

Grit your teeth OP and send her off with a smile...I wish I had travelled when I was young..my DGM and DM kept me 'childlike' in many respects, I didn't have the confidence. I thought I was being grown up and mature by not doing anything daring!
I'm now middle aged would love to travel but my self esteem isn't great and I'm too skint to do anything anyway

feckitall · 29/12/2014 21:32

Oh and DM got her MIL to 'babysit' me aged 17 because I wouldn't be able to cope for 2 weeks while she and her DH were away!
Her MIL went home after two days!

grannytomine · 29/12/2014 21:33

I was travelling round Europe last summer, I so want a gap year when I retire. The teenagers travelling were all great, I did enjoy the group singing of We're all going on a summer holiday. They all seemed to have made friends, were making plans about where they were meeting up. I think staying in hostels is a great way to make friends.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 29/12/2014 21:36

You do read threads on here about teenagers who have literally not taken a bus on their own before
I had no idea how to catch a bus when I went away but very proficient on tubes and other modes of transport!

cansu · 29/12/2014 21:39

I did this but didn't tell my mum as I didn't want her stressing out about it. Yes you will worry about her but I think making a fuss about it is more likely to make her dig her heels in. Why not help her plan her route, encourage her to hook places to stay and arrange a way to keep in touch. She may well change her mind and if she doesn't you will be reassured that she has thought it through.

GraysAnalogy · 29/12/2014 21:41

You're really unreasonable for wanting to prevent her from going. What age exactly would you find acceptable?

bellybuttonfairy · 29/12/2014 21:43

Its a big transition time. She IS old enough to go on your own and its completely natural that you'll worry yourself to near death.

But, this is what all your parenting of her when she was a baby/toddler/teen is all about - preparing her for life. Shes done well in having the confidence and insight to arrange such a wonderful trip.

Send her off with a smile and the knowledge she could ring you at any time if she had any worries.

Then go home and cry....!

skylark2 · 29/12/2014 21:49

I would say "that's nice, have you thought out your budget yet?"

I absolutely would NOT help her plan it (I would answer specific questions but not do the work). She doesn't get to play the "I'm an adult" card for what she's allowed to do but the "I'm a child" card when it comes to organising it.

DD went to Aya Napa with a group of friends at 18 and a day last summer after her A levels. They had a ball - and IMO were a lot more responsible about it because they had done all the organisation themselves.

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