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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD1 wants to go travelling alone

97 replies

eburton4 · 29/12/2014 19:42

She is the eldest of 4, will be 18 in Feb and has just told me that she wants to go interrailing around Europe for about a month after she has finished her A-levels in the summer. She plans to travel alone for most or all of the journey. I've made it clear that I wouldn't be happy with this (in particular because she has rarely travelled independently before) but of course she's playing the 'I'll-be-an-adult-then' card. AIBU and if not, how can I prevent her from going? She's said that she will pay for the whole trip herself

OP posts:
MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 29/12/2014 21:57

She won't want you to plan it - half the pleasure is in the planning and anticipation! I started planning my gap year when I was 11 :o Seriously planning that month may be what's getting her through the pressure of A level year - something amazing yet real and realisable to day dream about and plan and replan, it's all part of it. Certainly my days with atlases and guide books and schedules (before the internet) and calls to the student travel service etc. got me through lots of rough teenage years - my plans kept changing, but I would not have welcomed help, it was my dream, and a lot of it was about doing it alone.

YvesJutteau · 29/12/2014 21:57

Yes, YABU. She'll be eighteen and a half; she could get married or join the army (or both) but instead she wants to go travelling by herself for a month or so (and in Europe, too, not hitchhiking across the Sahara or walking the Silk Road). Even from an overprotective parent point of view you're getting off pretty lightly!

minipie · 29/12/2014 21:57

With detailed guide books, mobile phones and the Internet on tap, this really isn't that much of a big deal.

My biggest concern would be loneliness tbh - is she the self sufficient type or does she like company? I met a few solo travellers in my travelling days and some seemed happy while others were desperate for someone to attach themselves to.

EatSleepRaveRepeat · 29/12/2014 22:01

DD is 16 and wouldn't like it I have seen Taken! and I am a right worrier.. Ignore me though as I had a baby by 17 so who am I to talk!

Babycham1979 · 29/12/2014 22:03

OP, we're you being ironic, or we're you honestly expecting people to explain how you could prevent your adult daughter from going on holiday?

Please do get a grip. She's already able to join the army, and will shortly be eligible to fight on the front line.

Babycham1979 · 29/12/2014 22:04

Sorry, were* (bloody ipad predictive typing)

SomeSunnySunday · 29/12/2014 22:13

I'm dreading the day my DCs want to do something like this. I know that I will worry myself silly. But I travelled a lot, and often alone, between the ages of 18 and 22 - I inter-railed around Eastern Europe (in the immediate post-communism era), worked / travelled around North America for a summer, backpacked around sub-saharan Africa for a few months. My siblings did similar. Fortunately my parents had the self control and insight to do nothing other than wish me well, seem enthusiastic about my trips, and ask me to try to phone home once a week (I didn't always remember). This was before widespread internet access. I have great memories from this time, and hope that I can be as supportive of my own children doing similar. At the end of the day I'd rather this than them showing no interest in seeing the world.

perplexedpirate · 29/12/2014 22:14

I was a little bit older when I went travelling. I didn't return for three years. My mum was never anything less than 100% supportive and for that I am eternally grateful.
Why would you want to deprive your DD of this amazing experience?

Mehitabel6 · 29/12/2014 22:15

It sounds a great opportunity- good for her.
Why hasn't she travelled much independently? Start now- get her using public transport on her own.
Of course you can't stop her- she has the money and she is an adult. Just be thankful she isn't planning on Asia alone!

Comingfoccacia · 29/12/2014 22:29

Please let her go. My folks let me do it aged 16, I paid for it myself. I am eternally grateful for their trust in me. DM tells me i grew up so much in the month I was gone. I learnt a lot, Budgeting, language, resourcefulness, making my own decisions, planning my routes etc, all good life skills. Mind you I ran out of dosh at end of trip and had a half a loaf of bread to last me from Rome all the way back to Harwich. Mum said I didn't stop eating for 3 days when I got back!
I subsequently travelled solo in Asia, love the freedom of it all. She will benefit enourmously.

Mehitabel6 · 29/12/2014 22:30

She is an adult- it isn't a question of 'letting her go'!!

Mehitabel6 · 29/12/2014 22:31

This is why people should let go gradually and make sure they are experienced in using public transport well before they get to 18yrs.

bigbluestars · 29/12/2014 22:33

My sister married without my parents permission at 16 and emigrated.

TalesOfTheCity · 29/12/2014 22:39

YABU over the traveling.

Also, YABVVVVVVVU for ever using the phrase "playing the ... card"

Jackw · 29/12/2014 22:41

I've been exactly where you are now so know how you feel. She went, I worried, she came back safe. Since then she's been further afield, sometimes on her own, sometimes with others. I still worry. She has all these amazing memories and stories.

I think she has to go if she wants to but it is not unreasonable for you to discuss safety with her. Talk to her about risks, ways of minimising them and emergency procedures. I take a photocopy of her passport and insurance policy. She leaves me her (approximate) itinerary. She texts every day. She has an emergency credit card with her Dad's bank.

She has, however, promised me that if she ever does a parachute jump, she won't tell me until afterwards!

Mehitabel6 · 29/12/2014 22:44

I agree about the 'playing the adult card'- she is stating a fact. One that needs to be stated if the parent isn't going to treat them like an adult.
As I said earlier I should just be very thankful that she is doing Europe and by train- I should think that for the nervous parent it is one of the better options!

Mehitabel6 · 29/12/2014 22:46

Of course you worry! It is part of being a parent. However that is your problem- don't make it their problem.

Ericaequites · 30/12/2014 01:51

I only wanted to attend a writer's retreat in upstate New York, and my parents forbid it. Send her off with a handbook of hostels, a box of condoms, and your best wishes. Tell her to keep a journal, as it will be fun to read later on. Avoid going south or east of Rome.

MrsMarcJacobs · 30/12/2014 02:00

Nice that it's Europe. I think it will be okay - it's not too far away and tourists are common. Other places would alarm me more. Otherwise dress up in a wig and follow at a distance - you'll get to see a lot of it!!

mynewpassion · 30/12/2014 02:15

I think if she's firmed about going and you have explained your concerns, then the next time is help her with planning it such as best hostels and which countries to visit.

At least then you have some idea where she will be. Don't be an obstacle but a partner, especially to someone who is determined to do something.

Bulbasaur · 30/12/2014 02:54

You'll have to suck it up, grin, and support her on this.

She'll be fine. Wink

Tell her to take lots of pictures and send you a quick text at night.

If DD did this I'd be worried, but I'd want her to spread her wings and explore the world. Best to do it now while she's young and not saddled with kids, boyfriends, or serious career.

I had a cousin visiting the middle east for overseas studies. We were worried for her, but we all supported her for it. She had a great time and had some amazing photos to share with us all.

butterfliesinmytummy · 30/12/2014 03:23

How it is different to leaving home to go to uni? I've lived abroad since forever (first job abroad was aged 19 in France) and it's the best education ever. Start getting excited and helping her plan. If you are disapproving or upset it's less likely that she will let you know much about the trip, especially, knowing teenagers, if anything goes wrong.

RoundYonPreMadonna · 30/12/2014 03:26

I totally understand. D1 is heading for Greece next week. Then Italy. Then Thailand, Vietnam and Laos later in the year. She's 18.

I am so overwhelmingly proud of how confident and adventurous she is while being totally terrified that my baby is going off across the world alone.

whitecandles · 30/12/2014 03:58

I moved out permanently when I was 17 - not even to go to college, I was working, and hundreds of miles from home.

Pick your battles.

LadyCybilCrawley · 30/12/2014 05:01

Be her safety net - not her shackle