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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Jealous of DS's perfect GF (Will I be a toxic MIL?)

85 replies

Yestotallyunreasonable · 29/12/2014 17:49

(Name change).
OK OK OK. I know IABU. I just need people to straight-talk a bit of sense into me.

We are a fairly average family, averagely happy, averagely paid, averagely sized, averagely eccentric etc. DS (18) is not average - to me at least. He is very clever, witty, great company and a lovely person that I am immensley proud of. He is going out with his first serious girlfriend. GF is very bright, gorgeous, polite, friendly and talented. All fine and lovely.

So here's the unreasonable bit. GF and her family are just too bloody perfect. Perfect GF's parents are both extremely successful (well-known, top of their respective fields - yes I've been googling them ). The family is mega wealthy (think mansion with grounds) and all the siblings (there are several) are also fantastically good looking, highly successful in a range of high-powered professions and according to ds, all great company, hilarious and interesting. To cap it all, perfect dad is also a successful member of a hobby group that ds is obsessed by.

Since October ds has spent all his spare time with perfect GF's family and I feel like he has almost dropped our family and been adopted by hers. He's included in their family get-togethers and is FB friends with them all. We, on the other hand, have met GF a sum total of twice for no more than 3 minutes each time (enough to say hello and smile and for ds to then pull her out of the room in case we embarrass him by talking to her). We have suggested to ds lots of times that he invite her to ours or she joins us on a family outing or whatever, but ds is very uncomfortable with the idea and it's never convenient.

Am I BU to be a tiny bit jealous of perfect gf's perfect family and perfect life? Is it U to feel a tiny bit sad that clearly her family can offer ds so much more than we can? Am I being a future MIL from hell to wish that DS wanted to spend some of his time with his perfect gf here in our family home instead of all their time at hers?

Yes. I know I am. Now give it to me straight.

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 29/12/2014 18:46

I also feel sad for you, I have a son of 17 and luckily he hasn't got a girlfriend yet (too busy apparently at the moment to be tied down Grin)

What's that saying?

A girl is with you for life, a boy is with you until he finds a wife Sad

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 29/12/2014 18:48

A girl is with you for life, a boy is with you until he finds a wife

But it doesn't have to be that way.
communicate with your sons, make your home welcoming, treat new gf with respect dont critise them...dont blame them for everything....

Original poster
Yestotallyunreasonable · 29/12/2014 18:48

OMG - no it's very very much not a show home. I wish! Grin

Our home is shabby (not even shabby -chic) and usually a little messy. We have a friendly, messy dog that gf likes and a football-obsessed younger ds who trails shin pads and mud in his wake. We often have students living with us (they rent a room) and they have all seemed happy and have stayed long term.

We are so not a show home!!

OP posts:
Fabulous46 · 29/12/2014 18:52

A girl is with you for life, a boy is with you until he finds a wife

I don't agree with this. Both my boys are married and spend a lot of time at our home with their wives. It all depends how you treat their wives. I read a lot of threads on here and am horrified the way some DIL talk about their MIL's. Some simply appear to constantly look for an argument.

Original poster
Yestotallyunreasonable · 29/12/2014 18:56

(For Zevitevitch )
We listen to a whole range of music and encourage all visitors to feel at home (help yourself to tea/ coffee etc). Nor do we insist on shoes on or off. I honestly think our home sounds more like your parents than your ILs.

we are more like lentil-weaving Guardianistas then show home divas

OP posts:
Babycham1979 · 29/12/2014 19:02

Bloody hell, OP! Yes, you are being unreasonable and a wee bit mental. The jealousy is bonkers enough, but the online stalking... really?! Your DS is a grown man and could easily be studying or working hundreds of miles away. Missing out on seeing him every day because he's at his GF's house doesn't sound like much of a cross to bear.

If it's any consolation, they're young; it'll probably be over by summer time. On the other hand, the GF could well be on Mumsnet in a couple of years, branding you that MN favourite, the 'TOXIC' MIL!

Original poster
Yestotallyunreasonable · 29/12/2014 19:07

That's more like it Babycham ! That's what I need to hear. Thank you Smile

(And can you honestly tell me you wouldn't have Googled the prestigious family if one of your dc had practically moved in with them?)

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 29/12/2014 19:07

Its only a saying you know Grin

MassaAttack · 29/12/2014 19:10

Euphemia that Twain quote is fabulous :)

Easterchuck · 29/12/2014 19:12

I know where you're coming from.
DS seems to prefer going to his GFs than having her here.
Apparently her family are more fun than us but the food isn't as good there Grin but they drink much more.
I think it's all part of spreading their wings and you should be proud you've raised a boy that's independent and enjoy the peace & quiet

museumum · 29/12/2014 19:12

I was a bit like your ds. I found it hard to transition to "adult" in my parents home. I sort of always felt like a child. So in my late teens I was far more comfortable in others' homes where I could behave my age not feel compelled to act 13 again.
No idea why I felt like it but I did. It didn't really go away till my parents home shed all my childhood stuff and "my room" became a guest room with no traces of my teenage self.
I guess it was the manifestation of my pubescent awkwardness (in ever other way I seemed to sail through that stage of life).

Original poster
Yestotallyunreasonable · 29/12/2014 19:19

Interesting point Museumum Thinking about it now, I kind of did the same. My serious boyfriends happened away from home at uni etc until I felt 'adult' enough to bring home The One who became dh. Perhaps the teen-adult transition can't happen so easily in the childhood home.

OP posts:
MrsGeorgeMichael · 29/12/2014 19:21

ahh Euph. thats the quote Grin
thanks!

Tinks42 · 29/12/2014 19:31

Oh and I'd also have a right old google myself OP Grin

TheGuiltEatsMe · 29/12/2014 19:36

Have you read Le Père Goriot? Goriot is proud of his daughters marrying into the French elite from humble beginnings. He does everything he can to ensure their happiness. The two girls become embarrassed by their dear father who has to visit them in secret. But still he does everything he can to help them, including making himself destitute to pay their bills. Their lives are based upon artifice, they own not a bean and their husbands are indebted up to their eyeballs!

Be a little glad when your children feel a little embarrassed, it probably means they are doing well for themselves, but be sure that eventually they will realise. To have self-esteem means they must hold you in esteem.

The parents of the perfect GF will be no more perfect than you, in fact how do you know that its not just some illusion built on debt? who knows.

I spent all my time at first BF home hanging out with his parents, the dogs and spending time in the yard. They had polo ponies and I loved riding. My parents were happy for me. Although my mother thought he was a pompous twat.

Boomtownsurprise · 29/12/2014 19:39

To be blunt it ain't the girl that's the issue is it?

You need to work on YOUR son!

Rebecca2014 · 29/12/2014 19:41

Very unlikely their relationship will last. If he is a decent lad, he will come back to you when he is older.

I do agree with the saying, a boy is with you till he finds a wife. If you look at amount of mil threads, it shows women have all the control over family visits. You need get on with your future dil.

Tinks42 · 29/12/2014 19:46

No one needs to work on anything. The OP sounds absolutely fine to me. It is a wrench when they become a certain age, they aren't our babies anymore Sad

TinklyLittleLaugh · 29/12/2014 19:53

If it was my son I would have a word. He is making you feel crap and inferior. He is old enough to know better.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 29/12/2014 19:59

Yestotallyunreasonable Mon 29-Dec-14 18:48:58 Grin my in laws would never ever have a dog....

Yes it does sound welcoming....its more the essence of what I meant, illustrating how my in laws think they come across and how they actually do...

If I was in your situation, I too would be looking to myself, and thinking, am I really as welcoming as I like to think I am.....I say this because if my own pils would benefit greatly from a true self look at themselves....

anyway, your home sounds lovely op....just keep lines of communication open...maybe say to him one day - are you embarrased by our modest home?

Its weird but I always had pride in our family, I dont know why looking back...but I did, inspite of disrepair and so on...my DB however was embarrassed by our lack of money, I never put value on it.

TheGuiltEatsMe Mon 29-Dec-14 19:36:28

I have read Old Goriot, LOVE IT LOVE BALZAC NEVER find anyone else who reads him!!!!

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 29/12/2014 20:02

To have self-esteem means they must hold you in esteem .YY

Also agree with Tinks. DC do go off at 18 ish...usually and do usually come back..

it will probably fizzle out very few relationships started at this age carry on....but dont push it and one day in a few months maybe mention again...

good luck op...i am sure it will all be fine.

Tinks42 · 29/12/2014 20:16

Of course they do ZeVite..

I alway say there are to very important parts to bringing up a child/children.

One is nurturing them in a way that they are able to become Independent, the second is teaching social skills.

It sounds like he has the both. Otherwise he wouldnt be accepted so well by her parents.

Well done OP.

Tinks42 · 29/12/2014 20:16

always of course....

MassaAttack · 29/12/2014 20:22

I've checked out the FB profiles of girls who've given ds a Christmas card. Ithink this is entirely normal

tiggydiggydee · 29/12/2014 20:23

Well op I'd have googled too! Grin
I feel you're pain I really do! DD spent much more time with her BF than here at home when they first started going out. They were away studying so a little older than your DS and his house was nearer and as she put it..."it's a really big house and they have a swimming pool Mum!!!"......oh and i forgot he had a double bed in his room while her bedroom was still barbie pink and with a single bed in it Wink
Anyway 2 years on and they are now as much here as they are there and his shyness with us has finally started to disappear. Give it time op and things will hopefully settle. It's tough though and I feel for you, I felt as if we just weren't good enough in our little 3 bed house and no swimming pool! Actually he was very shy and just took longer to get to know us. I'm sure your house is lovely and welcoming, invite them to dinner when she does pop round and she'll probably jump at the chance to be with you.

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