Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish I could not have to intract with her -never good enough for my mother but she's old and I'm an only child.

28 replies

fedupandfeelingold · 28/12/2014 19:24

Just a vent
Ongoing lifelong saga of her controlling nature. I DID move away for uni (and not move back) 30 years ago but it still grates when I see or speak to her
Nothings right. She talks about her and never asks or changes the subject of i mention me or her grandkids or my dh.
When I was ill in mental health unit while pg with 4th she told dh she wrote me out of her will and she was on his side. She saw me looking slim and good a few years ago (I worked a job involving driving and happened to be near hers so dropped in) she told me I was competing with my dd and asked me if I was having an affair!
She always says stuff like 'your hair looks horrible like that ' etc and just pissed me off this year re xmas present
She is relatively housebound. Previously loved nice quality clothes.last year I got her lovely matching pj's and slippers €££.she said the slippers were horrible.
Okay
This year Got a lovely jumper in a style she normally likes and pj's
She said - those trouser things are they pyjamas? Well I will take them to the charity shop. The jumper i gave to the cleaner.
HmmConfused
Nice if she just said thanks and gave it away in secret!
This bearing in mind she monitors how much she thinks i spend (about £50 -£70)if it's less in also get worse grief
Whereas she sends me a cheque for my (December) birthday and me and dh and 4 dc xmas presents combined and moans about it (not about amount)
Dh thinks i should send her a cheque next year
Do you?

OP posts:
maccie · 28/12/2014 19:30

Sounds like a perfect plan to me

notsogoldenoldie · 28/12/2014 19:32

She sounds like my (late) mother, only worse. I think she's probably jealous/ resentful of something...if you've done something with your life that she envies/ didn't have the opportunity to achieve perhaps she's a bit miffed?

The gifts thing sounds familiar too.

I had enough of mine in the end, and stood up to her, resulting in some nastiness on both sidesXmas Blush.

My mother never forgave me for moving away from my community, becoming independent, and not having kids like everyone else's daughter did. When I eventually managed this, however, her attitude changed towards me.

I could never understand why someone would go out of their way to undermine their only child, but there you go...

fluffyraggies · 28/12/2014 19:32

Another only child here. You have my sympathy and empathy.

A cheque sounds fine. Bunch of flowers if you really feel you need to send something physical.

notsogoldenoldie · 28/12/2014 19:33

....and I think you need to tell her, in no uncertain terms, how much her actions rile you, and definitely send a cheque next year.

Original poster
fedupandfeelingold · 28/12/2014 19:38

Laughing here at the support for a cheque!
I told dh I couldn't! I do send bouquet for her birthday which she seems to like very much.
He said just tell her that I can't seem to find something that she likes so thought that she could choose her own gift.

OP posts:
Original poster
fedupandfeelingold · 28/12/2014 19:40

(I haven't got a cheque book and she doesn't get out much though and she isn't online in any way)

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 28/12/2014 19:43

Why send her anything?

fluffyraggies · 28/12/2014 19:47

notsogolden - I think she's probably jealous/ resentful of something...she didn't do

yes, this.

In my case i sold up and moved to somewhere of my choice, i had more than one child, i managed to stay relatively slim and young looking, i have left an unhappy marriage AND a new fitted kitchen - yes she raised this point when i sat down and explained i was leaving (!), i married a younger man, i have been ... abroad Shock, in a plane Shock, with the children Shock, kept my hair long, and generally done things differently to her. All these things have been snipped and sniped about.

As to why you would undermine your only child - - who knows? But it bites you on the arse in the end, because you end up kept at arms length at best.

Original poster
fedupandfeelingold · 28/12/2014 19:47

Because she's my mum and I would feel REALLY shit if I didn't!
Also everyone else she knows would know what a bad daughter she had!

OP posts:
Original poster
fedupandfeelingold · 28/12/2014 19:48

Xpost

OP posts:
Original poster
fedupandfeelingold · 28/12/2014 19:50

Fluffy
Yes yes yes
(do you secretly worry about sorting out her funeral when she dies?)
If do but am aware how horrible that makes me.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 28/12/2014 19:57

Oh god yes. Because you're the only one you mean? Yes i do.

I so wish i had a brother or sister to share these woes with.

It all seems so petty and ridiculous. I feel i could laugh about it with a sibling and it would somehow all seem less important. Moaning to my family (DH, kids) helps, but i bet it would be better if i could really share it with someone.

Would your DM appreciate a voucher from a favorite book shop or similar, if you cant do a cheque? It seems awful to spend that much and have it all given away.

Gruntfuttock · 28/12/2014 19:59

I could've written your posts on here OP. Re. the last one, I'm very worried about sorting out her funeral. She's 94 btw. She told me that she's arranged for her hairdresser to do the eulogy at her funeral. I don't know why she wants a eulogy as she didn't have one at either of her own parents' or my father's funeral. I think she just said that to let me know how little she thinks of me as her only child.

Optimistletoe1 · 28/12/2014 20:11

Striking a chord with me too, OP. Nothing of value to add, except you're not alone. The event of her death fills me with dread, too; I knew the overwhelming feeling when my Dad died would be of sorrow, but when my Mum goes it'll be mostly relief.

(Couldn't help but laugh at the hairdresser doing the eulogy scenario Gruntfuttock's got to contend with - will it be something along the lines of "She had lovely, swishy hair and seldom suffered from split ends"? Smile )

fluffyraggies · 28/12/2014 20:14

gruntfuttock - sorry but i had to smile at the hairdresser being drafted in to do the eulogy. My mum talks about the gardener, 'S', as if she is her long lost daughter and main reason for being alive and well. She tells everyone who will listen that 'S' is sooooo kind. 'S' has been round and said this, and done that.

'S' comes round once a week and, y'know, does the gardening. For money. She's known her for about a year.

Nothing i do or have ever done for her, however, is quite good enough.

davejudgement · 28/12/2014 20:15

I'm an only child and my mother is passive aggressive.

davejudgement · 28/12/2014 20:18

this.....

feelingfedupandold · 28/12/2014 20:18

lol a lot at that Optimistletoe! ref the eulogy

god - it really is amazing the feeling that i am not the only one!

i worry about the logistics of her funeral and everything.

she told dh on xmas day to take us off as a number to call on her 'careline' - this thing where she can press a button to get them to call someone or ambulance if there is a problem
she lives alone. prefers to rely (overly) on neighbours (who resent it - as they have told me)
this may have been spurred because when she pressed it recently they rang us, and an ambulance came as she had breathing difficulty. she refused hospital, and when we talked about her getting a 'key box' in the porch for ambulance to gain access if her next door neighbour was out - or else they might have to break door down.
she said that when ( a couple of years ago) she fell down the stairs then although it took her all night she ended up getting to the phone, so she didnt need the key box, and they better not break the door or she would sue them...

feelingfedupandold · 28/12/2014 20:19

fluffy - my mother has the cleaner and gardener who she feels the same about!

MuscatBouschet · 28/12/2014 20:21

My mum has a similarly loathsome mother. She finds it easier to deal with her by pretending she is just a care worker visiting to check on her every so often and just lets the nastiness wash over her.

feelingfedupandold · 28/12/2014 20:26

Muscat - i will try that one..

it really is an eyeopener about interacting with my dc's I want a relationship with them

Gruntfuttock · 28/12/2014 20:39

fluffyraggies, it's not just the hairdresser. Her cleaner is also "the daughter she never had" and she never stops talking about them and the advice they've given her and how wonderful they are. She's also told me several times that it's my responsibility to ensure they get all the things she's left them in her will, (well of course I would anyway). I left what I laughingly called 'home' at 16 to go into a psychiatric hospital and, after several months, from there to live on my own until I married in my late 30's, I have always done whatever I can to help her whenever I can and she visits us once a week (husband collects her and drives her back - I don't drive) and we get all her shopping too. There's just never been any emotional bond. I was always made to feel that my existence was a terrible nuisance ( I was 'a mistake') and consequently have always felt guilty for existing - hence lifelong severe clinical depression - with all the bloody awful side effects from the medication as well. I have no friends because I feel guilty for inflicting myself on other people. It's not so much low self esteem as no self esteem.

Gruntfuttock · 28/12/2014 20:43

"I left what I laughingly called 'home' at 16 to go into a psychiatric hospital" - as a very ill patient by the way, in case there was any doubt.

orangefusion · 28/12/2014 20:46

Another only child with a mother who is difficult here! Last year she sent me a cheque (nice) and a used bra for my birthday. The cheque was great, I can't fault that but the bra... I asked about it. She said yes it was used, it had been my aunt's but it was too small and so aunt had given it to mum but she didn't want it so sent it to me- she was all hurt and offish when I answered that it wasn't really my thing to her question -you do like it don't you?
This XmAs her gift to us took the biscuit, a crate of wine, my partner is alcoholic and has not drunk for 10 years.

feelingfedupandold · 28/12/2014 20:47

grant - can really relate here - but cannot imagine how you can cope with having her round weekly!
my own mother gets the cleaner to shop for her. a neighbour is a hairdresser so comes round and washes her hair and 'does' it weekly.
i was adopted but not allowed to talk about it to anyone (especially my dad in case it upset him) after i was told at age 12
i actually thought she was everything until i reached mid teens.
she 'enabled' and manipulated the situation for me to lose my virginity (still feel awful about this)
i remember sitting on my windowledge willing myself to jump as a teen etc etc - glad to be out and try not to think about her too much - but really it gets worse as she gets older and i couldnt hack her coming round weekly - i really feel for you