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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About the fucking thank you letters?

170 replies

LennyCrabsticks · 28/12/2014 11:09

I suspect I am Grin but it does wind me up.

Mils friend (who we barely know) very generously gives each of our children a fiver in a card for every Christmas and birthday.

But then we have to endure the next few days of mil phoning more than once a day and each and every time she calls she 'reminds' us to do thank you cards for her friend.

We do obviously get the dc to sit down and write cards but I find the whole thing so very wearing. They certainly don't do them on Christmas Day or Boxing Day and in fact the first time I've actually asked them is today, the 12yo has produced his already, dd is creating something and I've sat down and helped the 3yo to scribble.

Everytime she calls, which this year has been from Christmas Day evening onwards, I clench. And I feel like saying actually, we're not going to bother doing cards so stop fucking wanging on about it.

We don't do cards for anyone else but that's because we see everyone else and thank them personally. And I just find the whole thing ridiculous because she stresses so much about it and I just would rather her friend didn't bother giving us anything so i don't have to be made out to be the laziest most ungrateful wretch ever because the cards aren't immediately forthcoming.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Chillycamper · 30/12/2014 12:18

Also meant to add that it's just something else for me to do....

crumblebumblebee · 30/12/2014 12:20

Only on MN would someone allude to sending a thank you note as showing off their politeness. Grin fucking hell, how do some of you get through the day with boulders that size?!

Chillycamper · 30/12/2014 12:21

I realised that DC wasn't very sure about how to address an envelope, "we do letters in school but not envelopes."

Damn so the thank yous were useful after all.

QueenOfAllBiscuitsandMuffins · 30/12/2014 12:36

My mum always made me do tq letters and I hated it, I am now very lax about sending tq letters from me but something ingrained now makes me make my DC write a TQ letter for gifts recieved! However I do know how much the people we send the TQ letters to like receiving them and tbh it takes 30minutes to actually do.

mr405 · 30/12/2014 12:38

I used to be forced to write thank you cards as a child. I still do them now if it's a relative I don't see often as I bung in a bit of "chat" or text my relatives who I see fairly regularly and are less formal iyswim. It's a bit of a chore but it's just manners to show you appreciate the gift and especially the time and effort they have taken to send the present or pick it out. I also think if money is sent it is good proof the money actually arrived!

This Christmas I'm a bit hacked off on behalf of my mum. When I was about 6 I think a week or so went by and we hadn't sent our thank you cards (there were 3 children aged 8 and under). My aunt (dad's sister) rang up my GM to complain, who proceeded to send my DM a massive passive aggressive bollocking letter. At the time I remember it really upsetting my Mum but it was only a few years ago I found out what the letter said- basically calling my DM a useless mother and poor example. This has totally changed the way I view my Aunt and GM now. My aunt also rang about two years ago to say she got a thank you card from my younger brother, but she could hardly make out what he had written and could we have a word about his handwriting? Knowing full well he has dyslexia and finds writing hard. Angry

ANYWAY fast forward to this Christmas. Can't remember the last time I got a present from my aunt. I don't really care, I get enough gifts from other family members. My parents get my cousin (who is 18) an expensive rugby shirt, think about £50. They haven't heard anything from my cousin- no call or text, not even a fb message. Fine, she is 18 and probably hasn't thought to do it, but if her mother takes such offence at not receiving thanks within days, would she not drill it into her own daughter to do so?!

Now it is so easy to text or message someone I don't really see an excuse for not thanking somebody. It's just an acknowledgement that you appreciate the gift and the thought behind it!

QueenOfAllBiscuitsandMuffins · 30/12/2014 12:40

OH just remembered this year MiL put THANK YOU CARDS in my stocking. I'm sure she meant well but as you can imagine my face was Hmm

hagarthorne · 30/12/2014 12:44

It's just manners. And it doesn't hurt dcs to be slightly bored now and then for a small period of time. Must everything be easy?

starfishmummy · 30/12/2014 12:45

Mil will usually invite ds over for a few hours at some point after xmas. I can understand that she takes him round to see her elderly neighbour to say his thank you for whatever she has sent. But she then puts him on the phone to say thank you to everyone else. First on the list are his aunt and uncle (her other son)....I haven't noticed her getting his kids to ring and thank us as I don't think we have ever had a thanks form them. Then one year she even made him thank someone who didn't send a present!!

ToomanyChristmasPresents · 30/12/2014 12:45

Thank you cards are important. But your MIL is over the top to start nagging you before the Xmas turkey has even cooled!

nic013 · 30/12/2014 13:08

I don't have many people to thank for gifts. I send a text, ring or email to them with a quick thanks to let them know that the present got here and that it's appreciated.

Having to write long thankyou notes was one of many things done by my parents to control me. I wont be made to feel bad about myself any more and I would rather receive nothing from anyone if there are expectations or provisos behind them.

I appreciate a thank you but I don't expect it.

Sallystyle · 30/12/2014 13:17

I don't write them and never have.

People get thanked in person or by phone/text.

I remember my uncle refusing to get me any more easter eggs as a kid because a phone call wasn't good enough. He was disappointed that for couple of years we only called him and my mum didn't make me write a thank you letter.

It is only polite of course to thank a person but if the way I thank you isn't good enough then I don't want your gifts.

Bedsheets4knickers · 30/12/2014 13:33

Do people still do this??

skolastica · 30/12/2014 13:34

Totally stunned by the number of people who have been 'damaged' by forced thank you letter writing as children. Surely it's the parenting at fault, not the act of writing a thank you letter? Why throw the baby out with the bathwater? And surely you are now creative enough to find imaginative ways for your children to say 'thank you'. It's so sad that so many of you see writing a letter as coercion and control. And comes across as incredibly selfish.

mr405 · 30/12/2014 13:37

I think it's less about the way someone says thank you (I would be equally happy with a short email as I would a nice card) but this idea that it must be an immediate response. I don't understand how if people insist on a hand written card they expect it within days after the event, especially during such a manic time like Christmas?

I do think it's rude to not give any acknowledgement though.

LIttleMcF · 30/12/2014 13:38

We send them to Pil miles away, a cousin, and a couple of the neighbours because it's just the routine we've into.

No-one looks froward to getting their six year old to drag themselves away from toys/tv etc to boringly write out cards, but I do think it's not a bad thing, to teach them that saying thank you to people who have done something kind is important. I don't think anyone expects lengthy pages of thanks, but I know that a quick note goes down well.

I don't think it's any more loaded a concept than just being polite to be honest. I confess I don't really understand the 'I'd rather not receive anything if I'm expected to say thank you' view. But then I also don't understand people putting pressure on to receive a thank you.

goes to bribe five year old away from Arthur Christmas with a Quality Street to scrawl 'thank you' on a glittery bit of paper

bigbluestars · 30/12/2014 13:40

No-one in my circles or family writes thank you letters. I wasn't made to as a child and I don't expect it of anyone. A phone call or a thank you as someone revieves a gift is more than enough.
I am an aunt and a great I wouldn't want little jonny to be pulled up to write a thank you letter to his relatives.

It seems quite punitive. Let the lad enjoy his lego!

OneNight · 30/12/2014 13:42

As a family, we use online a lot so when they get their own accounts on sites, the youngsters usually send a quick email saying thanks. (If they see a gift giver in person, they'll just thank them then and that's fine in my eyes.)

I have to say that I'm going to be a bit harder line on thanks from now on though having discovered a few days back that a (not insubstantial for me) online voucher sent to my niece was 'sidetracked' by my sister - it had been sent to her email address as she had the online account. It's nice to know that a gift has reached the recipient.

Sunna · 30/12/2014 13:46

It's very rude not to say thank you for a gift. If the DCs don't see the person or cannot speak to them on the phone or by text/email then, of course, they should write a short thank you note.

Good manners are as important in DCs as they are in adults. I buy or quite a few DCs at birthdays and Christmas and their parents always make sure I get thanked in some way. It's good parenting.

nic013 · 30/12/2014 13:49

I see this as two separate issues.

Regarding thanking for the presents, I thank people in person, by text email. I do this because I want the sender to know that it's appreciated and that they know the present got there safely

I don't appreciate the pre emptive suggestion that I wont do this through a series of reminders and guilt trips before the present is even sent and straight after. As I said in my last post, this was one of many ways used to control me. I am a victim of childhood abuse and I find this time of year hard enough with all of the socialising. One of the few things that make me happy is my crafting, so I think I'm going to go and crochet something.

Royalsighness · 30/12/2014 14:09

Is it ok to say thanks on Facebook message if you don't have phone number? Also if it's DH auntie who I have never met that has sent my son an Xmas gift am I still the guilty party if I don't go out of my way to find a way to contact her and say Thankyou? What are the rules?

Somersetlady · 30/12/2014 14:18

When we were small I used to write the thank you cards in advance and leave a blank space for the gift ( we weren't allowed to write thank you for my lovely present generic) and fill it in afterwards! It was only ever a couple of lines and I'm certainly not mentally scarred from the process!

Your MIL is out of order though it's upto you how you choose to instill good manners on your children and. The timeframe seems unreasonable. If you feel under pressure next year how about just buying generic thank you cards that have a thank you for my gift and then getting the children to sign it. Total time taken less than a minute?

I think it depends on how organised you are and how much respect you have for others. I personally like to thank people with a short note or card that probably takes less than a few minutes to write and will write a thank you note for gifts my 7 month old has received for christmas when he is old enough to do his own I will try and make it an enjoyable 'crafty' fun experience for him to do his own.

The argument about rather not receive a present if I have to write a present is bizzare. Would you rather not let your child play if they didn't want to tody up the toys afterwards

I still write thank you notes now especially after going. For supper/ to stay with someone (as well as taking a gift on arrival) and the number of people who comment in a positive way it lovely.

We live in Ireland and the average time for getting a thank you note after a wedding is 6 months - it has been over a year and some never arrive......

Somersetlady · 30/12/2014 14:20

(apologies for spelling and extra full stops I'm (possibly the only person still) trying to write on a blackberry!

NickerPicker · 30/12/2014 14:28

Like Christmas cards, thank you cards will die out with the older generation. I don't see what is wrong with an email, phone call or thank you in person when you next see them.

A true gift is given for the benefit of the person you gift to, not for the glory or thank you card. I would rather not have a gift than have one that was given with unwritten rules.

ToomanyChristmasPresents · 30/12/2014 14:39

Agree with all who point out that it is the thank you itself that is important, not the medium by which it is delivered.

TheBooMonster · 30/12/2014 14:54

Thank you cards is a thing my MiL is really hot on, I'd never come across it previously, but we had to keep a record of what everyone gave us at the wedding so we could write them specific thank you cards, and if we got money we had to include in the letter what we'd spent it on... sorry when I say we, I mean me. I had to do it. DH played computer games, couldn't even bring himself to post the bloody things, I did that to. The same with any newborn gifts for DD, and every xmas, birthday and random gift since.

My family couldn't give a damn about the thank you cards, so I just do them for DH's side and friends of his side, my lot generally get a text / fb message if whatever is hasn't come in person and been gushed over there and then.