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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About the fucking thank you letters?

170 replies

LennyCrabsticks · 28/12/2014 11:09

I suspect I am Grin but it does wind me up.

Mils friend (who we barely know) very generously gives each of our children a fiver in a card for every Christmas and birthday.

But then we have to endure the next few days of mil phoning more than once a day and each and every time she calls she 'reminds' us to do thank you cards for her friend.

We do obviously get the dc to sit down and write cards but I find the whole thing so very wearing. They certainly don't do them on Christmas Day or Boxing Day and in fact the first time I've actually asked them is today, the 12yo has produced his already, dd is creating something and I've sat down and helped the 3yo to scribble.

Everytime she calls, which this year has been from Christmas Day evening onwards, I clench. And I feel like saying actually, we're not going to bother doing cards so stop fucking wanging on about it.

We don't do cards for anyone else but that's because we see everyone else and thank them personally. And I just find the whole thing ridiculous because she stresses so much about it and I just would rather her friend didn't bother giving us anything so i don't have to be made out to be the laziest most ungrateful wretch ever because the cards aren't immediately forthcoming.

Aibu?

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 28/12/2014 20:39

This 'basic good manners' statement.

Thank you notes are not the done thing where I live, do you honestly think that means that eg no one in Ireland has manners?

Cretaceous · 28/12/2014 20:53

I think there are levels of thank yous:
none - always unacceptable Grin
verbal - fine where you see the person
text/email - fine if you have their details
letters - suitable when you have received a special present, or don't see the person ever/often. Also when the person will particularly appreciate a personal response. eg if they are ill etc
Letters might be a PITA, but then so is tidying your room, helping with chores, washing up etc. We still get our children to do those...

Postchildrenpregranny · 28/12/2014 20:55

I remember at my mother's funeral the daughter- in- law of my mother's next door neighbour telling me (wistfully) that her her grandchildren never wrote thank you letters to her, and how sweet it was that mine always wrote to their grandparents (my mum obviously must have shown these letters around). They were 10 and 6 at the time. (we lived 120 miles away). My daughters always wrote 'proper' thank- yous i.e. with a bit of news, as family and friends were scattered round the UK and we rarely saw people to thank personally . If sent money they would say what they hoped to/had bought with it . This was in the days before email and text .They were so pleased to have been remembered and never seemed to mind.
Co-incidentally, my younger daughter (now 25) has just reminded herself out loud that she must text my brother and his wife to thank them for her recent graduation card and cheque . Old habits die hard,obviously . And I am glad of it .
I recently received a very nice, very short note (by post, with their Christmas card) from a friend's daughter to whom I sent an 18th birthday cheque . In contrast to my godson- I have never found out if he received his graduation cheque and just never got round to cashing it, despite my asking his mother politely to check . (they are loaded, which we are not . It made me feel my gift was negligible). Guess which of these will get a hefty wedding present as and when? . I don't give to be thanked but I think it is extremely rude not to acknowledge a gift when it wasn't given in person. A phone call, text or email is fine by me .
And I realise it was the hassling by her MIL the OP was'complaining' about , which I agree is unacceptable

Amummyatlast · 28/12/2014 20:56

My PILs send us thank-you emails, even if they have thanked us in person or by phone. I find this odd. My DD is not old enough to write thank-you cards herself, but I will not be insisting on it if she has already thanked the giver by other means.

fluffyraggies · 28/12/2014 21:00

... Guess which of these will get a hefty wedding present as and when? I don't give to be thanked but ...

If you are going to send presents in proportion to the thanking that you know you'll get, then you are giving to be thanked in a way, surely?

Postchildrenpregranny · 28/12/2014 21:04

What about wedding presents? I didn't open ours til after the wedding and wrote to everyone after .(Including the dozens-well it felt like it-of neighbours, family friends, who didn't necessarily come to the wedding but gave us small things like teatowels and pyrex dishes) Would posters think this quaintly old fashioned...???
My husband's cousin offended me twice-once by sending us, unsolicited, a John Lewis list (there wasn't a branch within 100 miles of us at the time) and second by not acknowledging the very nice plain white towels we gave them instead.

Postchildrenpregranny · 28/12/2014 21:06

No fluffyraggies my comment meant that if he can't be bothered to thank me then I can't be bothered to buy presents . I just think its so rude.

madamginger · 28/12/2014 21:12

I sent thank you letters after our wedding as people came from all over the uk and I see some of them very rarely. I pre wrote them when I was writing the invitations so it didn't seem such a mammoth task after the wedding.
I also sent thank you letters to people who sent baby gifts when the DC were born.

Zhx3 · 28/12/2014 21:15

Lenny, if it's your MIL, I suggest you ask her to speak to her son about the thank you letters. My MIL once again asked me if I wanted a piece of paper to write down all of the gifts for the children this Christmas. Because only dh's family expects thank you notes, I replied (as I do every birthday and Christmas), "I don't, but dh, do you want a piece of paper to write it all down?"

Suspect we will be having this conversation for many years to come!

5madthings · 28/12/2014 21:18

We do thankyou phone calls/txts with photos of child and gift.

My sil got really stroppy with me for not making the madthings write thankyou letters, I said they phone and say thankyou and I text or email with the photos etc. That is fine, I don't recall her ever writing us thankyou letters for gifts.

Zhx3 · 28/12/2014 21:19

Regarding wedding gifts, yes, definitely sent thank you notes for those, also for the gifts received afer the birth of the children. In each case, I wrote for my side of the family and dh wrote for his side.

5madthings · 28/12/2014 21:21

the elder three madthings now have their own phones and so they txt as well.

They have done thankyou letters to elderly relatives who aren't online/don't have mobiles etc and who appreciate a handwritten letter more.

NettleTea · 28/12/2014 21:28

we may not do cards or thank you letters (except to an aunt who lives miles away and has no phone or computer) but we do thank people, and wish them happy birthday/Christmas and buy them presents.

fluffyraggies · 28/12/2014 21:28

Wedding thank you notes, yes.

But then for weddings it's part and parcel of a 'thank you for ... having a day off work, driving that far, having to pay for a hotel to be with us, buying a new outfit for the occasion, helping out on the day, sorting childcare for the evening, supporting us through the day as well as buying us a present. Adult to adult.

For me I think the idea of making kids sit and write thank yous for any small gift, when the adults can make do with a verbal thank you, or a text or email, is getting out dated now.

Metalguru · 28/12/2014 23:23

Our DC always send thank you cards to people they don't see in person, relatives who have dropped off parcels before Christmas or sent them in the post. It's bloody rude not to acknowledge a gift at all, at least text or email if you aren't going to talk to the person on the phone. Can't believe people saying "takes all the joy out of Xmas", total bollocks, takes minutes and means a lot to people, especially elderly. I print a photo of our dc on Xmas day with a couple of lines, no big deal.yabu.

GokTwo · 28/12/2014 23:24

I'm big on thank yous and always send individual notes to the children and their families who give me presents at school. I think it sets a good example. At home though I think that a heartfelt thanks is fine in any form as long as it happens, text, email, phone, letter, in person. I really don't think it matters. No acknowledgement at all is rude and ungrateful. I agree with Post, I will send gifts for quite a while but if I never receive an acknowledgement I think "sod it"!

GokTwo · 28/12/2014 23:27

I agree Metalguru, it doesn't have to be onerous at all. For school I sometimes make a colourful letter on my lap top and personalise it for each child. In total it probably takes me about an hour.

Cherrychocolate · 28/12/2014 23:40

One of my Cousins at a family 'do' years ago said to everyone 'don't think we are rude for never writing thank yous for our DC's gifts. It's just that we are So disorganised, but please know that we are always very grateful'.

This got her out of getting her kids to write thank you cards ever again, cheeky cow (wish I'd thought of it first!).

scousadelic · 28/12/2014 23:43

My DCs are 26 and 24 yet both still shudder with horror at the memory of MIL and her endless harassment to write letters to her family. We are generally a well mannered family, always thank people but prefer phone or in person whereas MIL expected a handwritten letter in addition to whatever we did and it started, like yours, on Boxing Day. God help them if they ever get married, produce children or do anything else that attracts gifts from people she knows.

Sadly, both of them realise that it is really nothing to do with them and their manners but is all about MIL claiming a bit of attention and glory

HappydaysArehere · 29/12/2014 00:44

Most people like to know that presents or money posted have been received. It doesn't have to be a letter - a phone call will do.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 29/12/2014 08:43

Thanking is "basic good manners" - thank you letters are about etiquette, which is not the same thing - etiquette is a system of conventions which sit alongside manners but are not one and the same thing.

Thank you letters a regarded as a social norm in some parts of society but not others, but overall are archaic in an age when there are so many other, less dreary and tedious, methods of communication.

Thank you letters do not really tell you what the recipient thought of the present as no thank you letter enforcing parent will let "Dear Auntie Blodwin, thank you for the present, terribly nice of you but it's identical to one I had 3 years ago/ I hate puzzles" :o (My mum scrunched up "Thank you for the east rings, they are lovely and I'd like to wear them but my mum won't let me have my ears pierced" and threw it at me when I was 11 :o )

Giving dependent on the receipt of a letter, and moaning about not getting letters, does indicate a self centred approach to giving where its all about the giver not about wanting to make a child happy with a present, so probably best all around that those people keep their gifts to themselves and prevent all the angst and tutting.

My mother might think I didn't mind being made to write "newsy" letters without spelling mistakes in perfect handwriting, with repeated redrafts when they weren't good enough - but I did, and would glasdly have gone without the presents rather than write the letters. Just as being force to attend frequent church services and church events turned out ask atheist, enforced "newsy" thank you letter writing turned out an adult who will never make presents a dreary, heart sinking duty for her children - I dislike the whole rigmarole, agree no presents with everyone possible, and we thank verbally or by email/ fb.

Children don't always learn what you think you are teaching.

FryOneFatManic · 29/12/2014 09:07

I agree with MrTumble.

There are many ways to thank people these days, and a hand written letter is only one of them. I prefer in person if possible, but email, text, phone will also be good enough methods.

Thankfully, my mum didn't enforce letter writing.

londonrach · 29/12/2014 09:11

Just get the cards written. My dsis and i always wrote them xmas day to get them out of the way. Takes less than 10 minutes. My parents said if someone can be bothered to send you a present you can be bothered to write and thank them. (Remembers the one year my dfather on hearing us saying we wouldnt write a thank you quietly collect the present and put it in the bin. Yes the bin!!!!!!!! We got it back (had to wash it) after the thank yous was written hence why my dsis and i always wrote our letters first before we played or opened our presents.)

ZebraGiraffe · 30/12/2014 12:08

I have a relative like this. She goes on and on about how soon the thank you arrives. I genuinely wonder if she sends some of the extended family/friend's DC gifts/money just for the thank you card so that she can analyse that child's handwriting and ability to write Hmm
I do think a 'thank you' of some sort is important whether via conversation, letter, text, email, facebook etc but it doesn't have to be done instantly or be an extended letter.

Chillycamper · 30/12/2014 12:17

thought provoking thread.

Useful as we got the bloody things out of the way yesterday when one DC who likes doing this sort of thing designed some notes on the computer, printed them out and put everyone's names on them. Result. Don't know why I didn't think of that before.

Also made me realise that DM nagging about thank you letters is actually part of competitive grand parenting with her DSis "I had a lovely thank you note from DGC. I never even get an acknowledgment from DN/DGN."

Realised that the kids thank people for the presents when given, even if they don't open then and also give presents to the adults, sometimes thought of by DC, shopped and wrapped by them but NEvER get a letter in the post saying,

"Dear small person, thank you for the lovely present. I will really enjoy my bubble bath, whilst eating mints and drinking gin. Love from DG rellie x"

Saying thank you in person is ok for the grown ups but not the DC
Hmm