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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About the fucking thank you letters?

170 replies

LennyCrabsticks · 28/12/2014 11:09

I suspect I am Grin but it does wind me up.

Mils friend (who we barely know) very generously gives each of our children a fiver in a card for every Christmas and birthday.

But then we have to endure the next few days of mil phoning more than once a day and each and every time she calls she 'reminds' us to do thank you cards for her friend.

We do obviously get the dc to sit down and write cards but I find the whole thing so very wearing. They certainly don't do them on Christmas Day or Boxing Day and in fact the first time I've actually asked them is today, the 12yo has produced his already, dd is creating something and I've sat down and helped the 3yo to scribble.

Everytime she calls, which this year has been from Christmas Day evening onwards, I clench. And I feel like saying actually, we're not going to bother doing cards so stop fucking wanging on about it.

We don't do cards for anyone else but that's because we see everyone else and thank them personally. And I just find the whole thing ridiculous because she stresses so much about it and I just would rather her friend didn't bother giving us anything so i don't have to be made out to be the laziest most ungrateful wretch ever because the cards aren't immediately forthcoming.

Aibu?

OP posts:
2fedup · 28/12/2014 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigsinmud · 28/12/2014 15:54

My mum is like this. She is constantly reminding me and I get a bit stubborn about it. This year she told me to send a photo of the children in the card to one of her old school friends. I told her that I wasn't sending one as they don't send a card to me (I know that sounds childish).

drbonnieblossman · 28/12/2014 16:00

Every child I buy for sends me a thank you card. It is very much appreciated and good manners.

Equally, my DC always send a thank you card for their gifts. If people are kind enough to think of DC, it's the very least they can do in return.

All a bit "take,take,take" otherwise.

Talkingmouse · 28/12/2014 16:13

'Take, take, take'? But no 'taking' takes place. It is a gift/present.

drbonnieblossman · 28/12/2014 16:27

Oh come on mouse you know exactly what I mean. But if not, though unlikely, change "take" to "accept".

Picturesinthefirelight · 28/12/2014 16:32

Neither me or my children have ever written or received than you cards either.

We just say thank you th next time we actually see or speak to the person.

Rosa · 28/12/2014 16:39

If you see someone then a verbal thank you i think is fine. If you are on chatty terms then a phone call. However I think a written thank you is correct if you are 'none of the above'. I have small m&S thank you cards and my daughters manage a line in one of them ( English is their second language so its harder)

FollowTheStarship · 28/12/2014 16:47

Urgh I hate this too. Thank you letters were the bane of my life as a child, my mum would nag us every 30 minutes from xmas to new year. She never helped, but it was made clear that it had to be a letter rambling on about what a nice christmas you had and all the stuff you got to fill a whole side of paper - just a note saying thank you wasn't good enough. It was the most boring thing ever writing them and I would think, receiving them. I would start, then just collapse with boredom. But as far as I could make out it was the whole point of Christmas Hmm

I still have to get my DC to do them because my mum and others of her generation expect it, but I just buy ready-made thank you cards, write a brief thank you note myself and get the DC to sign it - job done in 10 mins.

I never expect a thank you note from anyone, for anything. I think that is bad manners, putting a price on your present.

Merguez · 28/12/2014 16:55

Thank you letters are vv important … one way of instilling good manners in dc from an early age.

Yes, there is a bit of nagging from me to make the dc do it but eventually they will learn.

Our rule is that is the giver is not present when you open the present then you should send a thank you card or letter within about a week.

IsabellaofFrance · 28/12/2014 16:56

As a child we always had to do Thank You letters. It did such the joy out of Christmas. As a child I had 2 aunts called Ann, and I still remember the upset caused because I wrote to each aunt, thanking them for the present that the other had given me. It was ridiculous and so stupid, but it was talked about in hushed tones but my Dad's side of the family for weeks.

rookietherednosedreindeer · 28/12/2014 17:05

I believe it's right and proper to thank someone for giving you a gift, but I can't understand those who in this modern era insist that the thank you must be written and posted or it doesn't count and won't accept texts, emails or a phone call. Particularly as a second class stamp costs 53p so by the time you've bought the thank you card and posted it, you've probably spent around 10% of the gift price.

We do get thank you cards done for those that aren't local, but I'm not very hasty about ensuring it gets done and have noticed that DS has stopped receiving gifts from a few quarters. TBH I'm quite relieved, he gets enough gifts anyway so it's not like he's missing out.

VenusRising · 28/12/2014 17:14

Just do them all ahead of time. That's what we do.
When we're doing Xmas cards, we do thank yous as well.

It's not rocket science to be organised, or polite.

Post them on Xmas eve.

Gileswithachainsaw · 28/12/2014 17:33

If I'm. honest I bloody hate getting them.

Don't get me wrong I do appreciate the fact the child's taken the time to do it and I get why they did. just my house is to small and we don't have alot of space and it's cluttered enough without having to put us up cards. tbh they go straight in the bin

TheRealAmandaClarke · 28/12/2014 18:09

We do them. From the DCs. Its a bit of a chore tbh, but I think its polite.
Strangely, I don't think anyone gives a shit about receiving thank you cards from adults. Its all about kids being kept in line Xmas Hmm
Maybe not?

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 28/12/2014 18:10

Hello kalidsa - wave. Yep it was a doctor's child thing, but all the consultants seemed to drasg their families 'round. By teenage years it turned into a bitchy fashion parade, where doctor's wives and daughters said sneery back handed complimentary things to each other about their appearances too. As a small child it wasn't so bad as we were given lots of chocolate (strictly rationed at home) and some of the staff were in fancy dress.

toffee I have no idea why we did it, as even 30 years ago anyone in hospital on Christmas day was too I'll for non family visitors, we weren't being al Victorian visiting the sick as we never took them anything, and I don't recall being encouraged to speak to any patients - it was all about being seen to do the right thing and questioning it (or thank you letters, or midnight mass and 9.30 church or the compulsory Christmas eve carol singing despite not being able to sing, or spending the afternoon with the elderly neighbours we didn't bother with the other 364 days per year... ) was being ungreatful and childish - I expect I'll understand when I grow up (I'm nearly 40...)

Merguez arbitrarily asserting that something is important and teaches xyz doesn't make it true - that's just your misguided opinion, and this is a subject which is very firmly a matter of personal opinion and personal experiences.

fluffyraggies · 28/12/2014 18:28

See, i was the only child in my family who was made to send them (and made to feel so holier than bloody thou about it). My parents never received any thank you cards from kids in the family, or friends kids. My mum whinged about it a bit but nothing awful ever actually befell these terrible, ungrateful, mannerless children or their thoughtless parents Hmm

As an adult i have never had a thank you card sent to me for any of the many many presents i have bought (family and friends DCs) and despite my upbringing i think none the less of any of them for it. I envy them, in fact, for being allowed to receive a present, unwrap it, and be happy in the knowledge they can just think of me at the time and thank me if and when they see me. Without their parents making notes about who sent what and ooohing and aaaahhing about all the thank you cards they'll have to write the next day!

Merguez · 28/12/2014 18:50

Of course it's my opinion MrTumblesBavarianFanbase - everyone who posts on here is expressing their opinion.

I don't expect everyone to agree with me - and clearly you don't and that's your opinion, but it doesn't make mine misguided.

I often get complimented about my dc's excellent manners, and I am probably a bit old-fashioned, but this feels right for us.

kalidasa · 28/12/2014 19:01

MrTumbles I'm a bit younger than you (34) and by the time I was 9 or 10 we were definitely the only family left doing it at my Dad's hospital (home counties). Sounds like it was more of a "thing" at yours! I also remember dressed up nurses and lots of chocolate.

Topseyt · 28/12/2014 19:03

It is only my parents who send things occasionally to my family, usually cheques to contribute towards Christmas and for birthday money when necessary.

We don't do thank you letters, but I always make a point of reminding my children to phone and thank their grandparents.

I did have to write the occasional thank you letter as a child. My dad is a lovely man, but a real perfectionist so it could turn into rather an ordeal, especially the addressing of the envelope.

Personally, I feel that no form of acknowledgment or thank you is downright rude, but think that a phone call, text or email are perfectly acceptable. Indeed, I would say that they are more the norm now.

brownvelvetmouse · 28/12/2014 19:07

You need to get yourself some of these . Will save you a lot of time.

MarjorieMelon · 28/12/2014 19:07

If we see people in person we say thank you otherwise we text or email. In dh's family they are big on thank you cards, they say thank you in person, then they text, then an email with photo of child holding the gift then you receive an official card in the post. I know they think we are rude to only use one method of communication to express our gratitude.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 28/12/2014 19:08

Merguez everyone gets that compliment unless their children are absolute horrors - people say it about mine because they generally behave well in public, aren't pushy, respond politely to adult conversation and are always good with littler ones - guess they'd take it back if they knew about their thank you letter etiquette failings Xmas Grin

katese11 · 28/12/2014 19:10

I hope they die out!! I hated doing them as a child (handwriting anything is a PITA cause my writing is so bad) and hate being nagged to do them now. My nieces and nephews send an email or fbook msg and that's fine by me.I still do them with dcs but feel stressed about it and keeping a list as they're opening the presents etc

NettleTea · 28/12/2014 19:19

aaaggghhhhhh to the letters
I think its probably what created the backlash and now I dont send thank you letters or even birthday or Christmas cards
the feeling of obligation just got so heavy I had to be done with the lot of it, much to the extreme annoyance of my mother

MarjorieMelon · 28/12/2014 19:20

It is much easier with Facebook. I much prefer to receive an acknowledge on Facebook that the gift was received. I don't need a note in the post that has cost money plus postage and that I know the child probably didn't want to write. I'm only interested in knowing that the gift was received. Anything else is ott in my opinion.