To feel sad that so many women are in abusive relationships :(

[NameChange30]

Since getting into MN the threads that have really stuck with me are the ones by women in abusive relationships. It's great that MN is somewhere they can get advice and support. But it's also sad and makes me think about them and all the other women who must be in similar situations and aren't on MN.
On the upside it has prompted me to start a monthly donation to both Women's Aid and Refuge.

YANBU. It makes me sad too. I was in an abusive (emotionally and financially) relationship for years and didn't even realise until an 'outsider' pointed it out to me. I was incredibly unhappy for a lot of that time but didn't make the connection.

A lot of people just don't understand the dynamic of domestic abuse and don't get the 'hold' abusers have over their victim, how they have been trained and worn down, often over a number of years.

It's not just women though, plenty of men are physically or emotionally abused or financially controlled by their partners not just women. It's just the more women post on here and are very unlikely to admit to abusing their husbands.

Daisy It's mostly a problem for women. Women are conditioned by society to be subservient to men, women are paid less so more likely to be financially abused.

It's okay to talk about issues that largely effect women.

Yes, God forbid we should talk about abuse without someone popping up to mention that it happens to men too you know.

Daisy...Whilst men can experience domestic abuse I think the difference is that women are in much more physical danger in that situation.

It's a totally different situation. For many reasons. there is more pressure on women to settle down, more judgement for being single. Men under far less pressure to be part of a couple and they definitely arent perceived as objects of pity if they remain single.

Obviously of course, tend to earn less, this is particularly true for unskilled work. Where there is a structured pay scale women have a chance, but for example a post man will earn a lot lot more than a carer.

Women are more likely to have low self-esteem (because of the media, being paid less, having fewer opportunities, their own families' treatment of the son in the family). Women are more likely to be asked by their mothers to help with the meal when they return home while their brothers are more likely to sit down and wait for the meal to be brought to them.

Yes, these are generalisations and not all of them will apply to every woman who ends up in an abusive relationship some of them will.

Men can and do (often) walk away from a pregnancy in a way that women just cant'. So women are bound by bearing all of the responsibility to be/feel more responsible for their dependants. Mothers tend to be more selfless wrt their children's needs. When they are with selfish men, this often traps them.

Women are physically smaller than men. I think the 'average' man is 5'10 and the 'average' woman is 5'4'' so that's on average a half a foot bigger (and heavier and louder with a higher muscle to fat ratio).

Men are allowed by society to feel entitled in a way that women aren't. Women are discouraged from entitlement. Yes there are entitled women out there I'm sure, but that dysfunctional combination of a selfless giver with a low self-esteem and a selfish taker, 9 times out of ten the giver is female. The taker is male. Society nurtures male takers and female givers.

Well done to all of those women who had a healthy self-esteem when they were young and met their husbands. You are the lucky ones.

To say though that this issue is equally a problem for men is just not correct. a problem perhaps but not in the same way and on the same scale. To compare them is to completely minimise the huge problem of domestic violence and domestic abuse against women. This is primarily a women's issue.

I forgot to mention how pregnancy and maternity leave means that as well as being paid less for working it is women who end up dependant on men.

When you earn a good salary you're protected from 'the logical decision', or being co-erced in to giving up work.

So basically women are at more risk of isolation and being financially dependent.

Women are disproportionately and systematically more likely to be abused than men. Whilst not denying that it happens to men this is a discussion about women.
I think the victim blaming of the abused woman is starting to stop (at bloody last) so if only the judicial system would get into gear with harsher sentencing. I agree with all those above about women being conditioned to be subservient.

lumpy and flippinada yeh, you two had it covered before I exhaled and let rip there! I just feel like you both do, heaven forbid women should focus on the fact that this issue does primarily effect women.

It's not that simple formerbabe. Most abuse is not physical anyway. The root of abuse is emotional abuse. Women are (as a group, not necc. individually) more affected by relationship abuse because of the narratives which surround relationships and gender in our culture. Men are abused too but women victims tend to follow a pattern of moving from one abusive or toxic relationship to the next. Men when they are abused by women tend to have one or two abusive relationships, and their attempts to leave are usually successful, they will leave for good on the first or second attempt whereas women take an average of seven attempts to leave.

The effects within the relationship are the same for men and women and the recovery is equally difficult. But women victims are usually compounded by the fact that it's likely they will continue to experience abuse, perhaps for their whole lives. Plus women tend to be the ones caring for children after a relationship breakdown which means she has more needs (for housing, food, schooling, stability etc) but less earning power, less time to reflect and heal, her physical and mental health is affected by the stresses of pregnancy and single parenting.

It is different for women, it's foolish to pretend otherwise. Of course men suffer too, and a lot of resources aimed at women are brilliant helps to men who are victims. But let's not pretend the two are exactly the same.

Wow, quick typers today

God, there's always one who tries to derail with the WHATABOUTTEHMENZ isn't there? It's like on any thread about rape you'll get someone going "well men get raped too, you know". Yes, usually by other men! To which the response is usually "oh well I suppose that makes it ok then?" No it doesn't you utter twat, it just means that it's still a problem to do with male violence/the patriarchy.

Just reading a thread (nothing to do with abuse) where posters' mothers said to them things along the lines of 'you can't take a well-paid job as that would mean a man can't have it'. also, if you put jane jones and mike smith on the envelope, the post man might think they're not married.

Blackheartsgirl, my heart bleeds for you the situation you're in. I have to go out now but don't stop posting. I will come back later. I have a son with a spectrum disorder, but he is a million miles from the creature his father is.

I think it's brilliant that we have MN for helping women talk about DV whether their own or others ( a well as other more official sources of course)
For every one who posts there are 40 others lurking & if this helps even just one person start their escape plan to leave or gives them the strength to seek help, realising it is not just them, then all to the good.

I have learnt so much from these threads on MN over the years & see how I have been drawn to abusive relationships, (although much lower scale than a lot of you brave women) so now I am not only happier alone but more confident that if anyone comes along I will be more confident in setting boundaries& recognising red flags!

Keep posting & if your lurking come & join in the discussion if it would help.

yes, mn helped me so much. posters like anyfucker, mathanxiety, bertie botts, anniegetyourguna and others. I hope they don't feel sometimes that they're giving out advice in vain because the threads just sink and we don't knwo what happened in the end. but it's real life not a story line. I know that in my case, I didn't act the very second I first read the advice to leave but I had more confidence in my own assessment that he was abusive and the planning began. the same posters, mostly, helped me not to engage with the arguments and accusations from him afterwards.

I'm still in an abusive relationship. I'm hoping to break free in the new year with my toddler ds.

It's been 5 years of anger, temper tantrums and intimidation mixed with depression (him). I'm very assertive and intelligent, it started slowly. It's very hard to get out. I'm financially dependent at the moment but hoping when ds starts preschool I'll be on my way again.

When I got pregnant he ramped it up. Even on the way to hospital in labour he screamed at me. It's always my fault when he's angry. He's insisting we stay together whenever I say we're over. He can't let me out of his clutches but if I'm so awful like he says, why does he want me?
I think he just wants ds around all the time and knows he won't see him as often.

I can't wait to be free.

Of course you're not being unreasonable to feel sad, who would feel anything other than that?

Just coming back now blackheart.

Woud it be worth your while contacting a different woman's aid? they're not linked up, and I think you were very unlucky to get somebody who threatened you.

You say you have nobody and I just wanted say that what you have now is worse than having nobody because he is shielding or barricading you from the kindness of strangers. Strangers and acquaintances would help you if they had the chance.

Ronald I hope you make it happen this year.

He's had most of my 20s, he's not having my 30s too. I will make it happen.

My family all adore him, my mothers seen his true colours, my father knows certain things but both would like us to work on it for ds.

We've had some horrible rows in front of him and he's only little. I can't do it to him anymore, it's not fair.

to those of you who are reading and are currently in abusive relationships. I hope you all find the courage and support to leave as soon as you can and feel ready.

I agree with those of you have posted to say that domestic violence does affect women more than men (even though men are affected) and that we have a right to focus on violence against women without people chiming in with "what about the men?" "You're being sexist" blah blah blah. In search for more info about violence against men, I came across this article which is very balanced and interesting, and worth a read:

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/aug/05/domestic-violence-services-gender-neutral

I think things may have come to a head here. Ds had meltdown today, dp got aggressive with him and D's reacted by attacking dp and pushed him through the coffee table. Glass, blood, ambulance and police. I can't cope anymore. My blood pressure is through the roof. I'm supposed to monitering it and its 161 over 115.

If you feel that he has fooled everybody else, then if you try to explain how abusive he was they may not get it and you'll feel disbelieved which is a sickening feeling when you've just left. When you leave, you could just tell people that you didn't love him, that you weren't compatible, that you were fighting all the time, that you were very unhappy with him. These things are harder for people to argue with. Or harder for them to question.

I really wanted and needed to make people understand. It's as though I didn't feel I had the right to leave because I wanted to, i needed so many people to understand so I told everybody all the details of how dreadful it had been! I found that if I started detailing some hideous row we'd had where he'd taken the bed apart with the electric drill for example, that some people (with decent partners) would assume that I'd played a part in escalating the row. Their eyes would glaze over and I could see them thinking things like 'it takes two to tango' or 'six of one and half a dozen of the other'. It was hard to take. I wish I'd just said and believed that I had the right to say "i left him because I was so very, very unhappy with him" . I didn't need my x's permission to leave him and I didn't need acquaintances understanding.

That should be enough for your family. You're not obliged to stay with anybody. Even if he were lovely, if you weren't happy then your family if they respect your wishes and want you to be happy then that would be enough for them. If that is not enough for them, then that is not your fault.

Are you ok, black ?