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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad that so many women are in abusive relationships :(

90 replies

NameChange30 · 27/12/2014 23:29

Since getting into MN the threads that have really stuck with me are the ones by women in abusive relationships. It's great that MN is somewhere they can get advice and support. But it's also sad and makes me think about them and all the other women who must be in similar situations and aren't on MN. Sad
On the upside it has prompted me to start a monthly donation to both Women's Aid and Refuge.

OP posts:
blackheartsgirl · 28/12/2014 01:40

He was back 3 weeks before it all started again. And now I'm trapped

FastWindow · 28/12/2014 01:41

Women's aid threatened you with ss?

FastWindow · 28/12/2014 01:48

black what do you have. Tally it. He needs to be gone. And, and, and... You need to do that thing where you let them know... You have kids, I didn't. I could hide it, it was only me it affected (in hindsight that was not true) don't hide !!!! I know the fog. We all do. You know you are in it. When you are out.. Even å bit.. It's amazing what you find the strength to do, when you are out of the fog.

Im here.

ProcrastinaRemNunc · 28/12/2014 01:53

If women's aid or the police feel a child may be in danger, they are duty bound to make a report to SS, just as GPS, schools and counsellors are.

FastWindow · 28/12/2014 01:59

Sure, yes, but would they actually threaten an already broken woman with a threat? Seems counterproductive to me. Or has women's aid changed since I had need of them? Back then they just... Helped.

ProcrastinaRemNunc · 28/12/2014 02:09

Not that I know of and I found them non-threatening but I can imagine that if they did have cause to make their child protection procedure clear to someone, it may well feel like a threat?

ProcrastinaRemNunc · 28/12/2014 02:09

Not that I know of and I found them non-threatening but I can imagine that if they did have cause to make their child protection procedure clear to someone, it may well feel like a threat?

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 28/12/2014 02:15

I just don't understand why women stay in this relationship.

blackheartsgirl · 28/12/2014 02:23

Felt like a threat to me. Im going back 7 years now and I confided in my sure start worker what they had said and she said that they had phoned her and were telling her that too, that I also I needed to see a lawyer, they made an appointment and I was expected to go or they would ring social services if I didn't turn up or hadn't chucked him out. Dp wasn't violent then just emotionally and financially abusive. The surestart worker found them very pushy too.

I also went to see them just after I chucked him out 3 years ago. They weren't interested really, arranged a lock change and gave me a book called living with the dominator but told me there was nothing else they could do for me.

I don't need their help. The ladies getting beaten black and blue in front of their kids need help more than I do.

blackheartsgirl · 28/12/2014 02:28

Yeah well piper I'm just weak and stupid aren't I? Because I am financially bound to him. My son who has autism has finally settled down in school and has a good chance of getting some GCSEs. U have a huge web to untangle before I leave. And I'm making steps to. Its not that easy

blackheartsgirl · 28/12/2014 02:31

And also I just don't know what a normal relarionship is. Ive never had one. I've never seen one in my family, cos I don't and never have had any family apart from my parents and they weren't normal either. My mum used to beat shit out my dad. She threw a glass ashtray at his head once and he punched her.

ProcrastinaRemNunc · 28/12/2014 02:40

You're not weak or stupid. Dont feel put down by people who are ignorant to the dynamics of abuse. You are making steps and you will get out when the time is right. Keep focusing on where you want to be and ways to make that happen when the time is right. It's so hard when circumstances make us feel bound to an awful situation but there will be a way out and you will make it.

Perfectlypurple · 28/12/2014 02:53

Not helpful piper. Did you rtft or any of the countless others that would explain why? I luckily have never been in an abusive relationship but fully understand why it is so hard to leave. A little bit of understanding goes a long way.

wanderingcloud · 28/12/2014 03:47

Flowers blackheart it will come with time.

I never thought I would find myself in an abusive relationship but my ex was deeply manipulative and he slowly worked to remove my sources of support so I became isolated and found it increasingly difficult to leave. It's only since leaving that I see the whole relationship for what it was; an exercise in his control and dominance over me.

Writerwannabe83 · 28/12/2014 08:30

I saw a good friend of mine the other day who told me her DP of 5 years had walked out on her 6wks ago for another women leaving her high and dry (SAHM to two young children). She then confessed he's been emotionally abusing her for about 8 months prior to him leaving and when she told me what sort of things he's been doing to her I was very upset and so shocked.

I asked her why she hadn't told me that he'd left and she said she hadn't told anyone as she was hoping he'd realise the grass wasn't greener with the other woman and come back home. I asked why on earth she would want him back and she told me that she loved him and couldn't bear life without him.

I just didn't know what to say so I told her to call Women's Aid. Hopefully they will help her see how damaging her relationship was.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 28/12/2014 08:41

Women are conditioned from birth to be in a relationship, to make it work. We are paid less so have to be in relationship to afford a house, then it becomes difficult to leave as children arrive. Men are often in a position of power over women.

I wish to god mumsnet had been around when I was with my first husband. I find it hard to believe the crap I put up with.

Hatespiders · 28/12/2014 08:57

It makes me sad too for men and women who are abused emotionally or physically. It's easy for those who don't know the difficulties to say 'leave'. One is paralysed with demotivation and fear. There are so many practical considerations of where to go, accommodation, preventing stalking, financial support and so on. Not to mention the most important thing of all, the children and how to protect them. I reckon all this is too overwhelming for many to do anything about until it's nearly too late.

It's lovely of you op to donate to help people caught up in this hell.
I agree with those above who say statistics show the Christmas/New Year period is the worst for escalation of dv. People are penned up together and the expectations of a 'happy' Christmas and the thought that everyone else is enjoying themselves bring things to boiling point.

I'd just like to mention The Samaritans. One of my friends is one. They deal with all types of despair, and not just the suicidal. Dv is often part of the problems they listen to, and they advise people to get in touch with Women's Aid and other agencies. We donate to them on a regular basis.

bigbluestars · 28/12/2014 09:12

Women themselves are complicit.

I was brought up by a mother with a 1950s attitude. I was taught to be compliant, to defer to men, to obey. Luckily for her my father was a kind and gentle overlord.

I was not so lucky. Even after being beaten, raped and emotionally abused by my husband my own mother told me I should learn how to avoid angering him.

It took me years to wake up and see that I was facilitating the abuse and the ways I had been taught were at fault as well as my abuser.

twoopsie · 28/12/2014 09:14

This reply has been deleted

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comingintomyown · 28/12/2014 09:18

I was brought up by my Mother who wasn't anti men but certainly a strong character and role model

When I was in my second year at Uni I met my abuser who showed his true colours very quickly but I still zombie like went on to live with him and spend almost five years with him

I never understood then or since why I allowed it to happen

gamerwidow · 28/12/2014 09:34

My dsis has left her abusive partner of 6 months this Xmas and I hope she finds the strength to stay away this time.It's not the first abusive relationship she has had and I think it stems back to low self esteem from being badly bullied as a child. What people don't realise is how insidious emotional abuse is. This latest man has been chipping away at her confidence since he met her by building her up with lavish gestures and declarations of love then knocking her down by criticising the clothes she wears and her chatty manner as being tarty amongst other things. He has made her feel like he is the reasonable one looking after her best interests when really he is just trying to control everything she does. He wouldn't let her choose her own clothes or even look at or talk to anyone else when he was with her because everything she did had to be for him only.

Hatespiders · 28/12/2014 09:38

In W Africa it used to be perfectly acceptable to beat and misuse your wife. No-one thought badly of a man who seriously attacked and hurt a woman for the slightest thing. It's still the case in the villages. Women are expected to be 'submissive' at all times. Even the Koran says it's fine to hit your wife.
But my husband was telling me after his visit home in August that the younger women have changed. They have access to TV and cyber-cafes and are much more modern and liberated. They won't put up with any abuse and give their menfolk what for if they try any crap like that. I was so heartened to hear this. My dh says it's spreading now to the villages too. Isn't that good news?

Rootandbranch · 28/12/2014 10:32

YANBU

My sister was in an abusive relationship for 5 years. She was a beautiful, successful professional woman with a job she loved and her own home. By the time she left she was an alcoholic, her career in ruins, her home sold and the money spent by him.

It's taken her 5 years to get back on her feet, but she has, all power to her.

Rootandbranch · 28/12/2014 10:42

My sister should have had good self esteem - she was amazingly beautiful, hard working and very bright. I think a long stint in a horrible boarding school as a young teen left her feeling neglected and unloved, and she has always felt unworthy in relationships. She was in a long term relationship for 20 years with a man who refused to share a home with her or start a family. She put up with this without complaint for years then left him at the age of 39 for a man who promised a home and family, but ended up physically and financially abusing her. She never had children - she was too ill from her addiction to drugs, tobacco and alcohol to conceive and carry a child (she miscarried several times), so he robbed her of that too.

drbonnieblossman · 28/12/2014 10:51

Yes very sad for anyone in an abusive relationship, whether male or female.

The "why do they stay in the relationship?" question so often asked is a stark reminder of how isolating domestic abuse is for the victim because so few people grasp the long slow process that the abuser so often uses.

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