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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL woes

71 replies

TerrifiedMothertobe · 27/12/2014 19:31

My mil and I are very different, we will never be best friends sadly, but obviously I do everything to get on with her.

She's a bit of a hard done by martyr and complains about most things. I'm a strong believer in change it if you can or get on with it and accept it if you can't change it. We are different in many many other ways and she definitely doesn't understand me, but that doesn't really matter.

As usual they came to visit over Christmas, I always make beautiful food, lots of wine, they don't need to raise a finger. They are very good with the boys (2 toddlers) who adore the,, so they are very helpful.

As usual Mil likes to needle, little comments abou things not being good enough, or I'd do it differently. Whatever. I always try to let it wash over me. However, she kept going on yesterday about something so unimportant, and so I casually said, gosh you can be a cow sometimes, not viciously. Everyone laughed it off, But then mil ignored me for the following 36 hours and was pretty much mute.

I feel a bit bad, but then she constantly tried to needle me and I think you can't do that and not expect someone to get pissed off. And, it's not as if I was viscous.

So, was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 27/12/2014 19:34

Yes ywbu with your comment. Very rude of you. I would like to know her version, you seem a bit full of yourself tbh.

Mintyy · 27/12/2014 19:38

What you said was not lighthearted or funny, so I'm going to say yabu.

You need to work on some cleverer things to say in those circumstances.

clam · 27/12/2014 19:41

I can't think of many scenarios where those words would come across as light-hearted, but definitely not in a relationship that is already on the tense side.
YABU - and rude.

Ragwort · 27/12/2014 19:41

Very, very rude. How would you like a future DIL/SIL to call you a 'cow' Shock.

There are much 'kinder' ways of making a jokey comment if you really just couldn't either ignore her or smile and nod whilst seething inside.

She is a guest in your home, your DH's mother and you called her a 'cow'. Shocking.

CinderellaRockefeller · 27/12/2014 19:42

I think if she's been on at you for that long, it's reasonable. It's just a slightly more blunt version of the much trotted out "did you mean to be so rude?

IWhat does your DH think? It's his mum you called a cow :)

magimedi · 27/12/2014 19:44

Bloody rude to call anyone a cow.

And I think you are vicious rather than viscous - first time I've ever been the grammar/dictionary police.

Original poster
TerrifiedMothertobe · 27/12/2014 19:46

Mm, interesting. My dh is usually very supportive of his mother, but he thought she was being pretty underhanded. As did my fil, we talked about the way she treats people and he said, it's just the way she is. Out of all the daughters in law, I am the only one who hasn't fallen out with her. Some of the others don't let the grandchildren see her, I think totally wrong... But!

I wish I had bit my tongue. But when it's never ending to hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
TerrifiedMothertobe · 27/12/2014 19:46

Sorry, I'm no good on touch screens!

OP posts:
ithoughtofitfirst · 27/12/2014 19:47

My MIL would quite literally be never speak to me again if I said that.

Maybe she's a sensitive cow? Bless.

Goldmandra · 27/12/2014 19:49

I think YWNBU to say something but you could have chosen better words which labelled the behaviour rather than the person.

PotteringAlong · 27/12/2014 19:51

Rude, definitely.

MissHJ · 27/12/2014 19:51

It was rude what you said but by all accounts it was said at the end of your tether and you just said it out of temper. It could happen to anyone. I would have it all out with her. Apologise for calling her a cow but tell her how you feel about the little things she says.

TidyDancer · 27/12/2014 19:52

Gosh yes, you were rude. Have you apologised?

If you needed to make a point, this really was a bad way to do it.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 27/12/2014 19:53

why cant you simply challenge her head on with the comments in the nicest way you can " of course you do things differently mil because your a different person, it would be rather odd if we did things exactly the same wouldn't it"

dont worry about comment....if she hadnt riled and needled you to it i dont think you would have said it

HamPortCourt · 27/12/2014 19:54

I think we need to know more about this "needling behaviour" before I can definitely say whether or not YABU.

Lambzig · 27/12/2014 19:54

Gosh that's nasty. I expect she was very upset.

I think next time just tackle her about the subject that's annoying you without resorting to name calling.

Mrsgrumble · 27/12/2014 19:54

I wouldn't speak to you for a long time but I admire that you were straight up and I do like that in a person. It's a pity you used those words.

If you said 'you can be cutting' I would have thought better of it all.

Marylou2 · 27/12/2014 19:59

YANBU.What is it with some MILS? Nothing is good enough.I think they see themselves as superfluous to requirement and you have replaced them in their DS life. I stress this is not all MILs and I've had a nightmare few weeks with mine so my judgement is hugely clouded.

Original poster
TerrifiedMothertobe · 27/12/2014 20:01

We have talked about it in the past, and all she says is that's the way I am and I can't change after these years.

She isn't vindictive, but she's like a sniper sitting there just taking the odd shot or two at you, just in passing.

One of my favourites was 'why won't he marry you, what's wrong with you?". Which was harsh, we'd only been together 2 years and were in our 20's.

I should have dwelt with it differently, but it does get wearing.

Not sure why I sound full of myself Lady Luck?!

OP posts:
AliceInHinterland · 27/12/2014 20:03

It doesn't sound that bad to me! Guests have an obligation to be pleasant too. Perhaps she needed to be told. I'm sure you might do it differently next time (in private) but sometimes things get on top of you and I've blurted out worse when my buttons were pressed. Sure you will feel better if you apologise and tell her you didn't mean it to come out like that. I don't think YABU just a bit indiscreet at a tiring time of year.

treaclesoda · 27/12/2014 20:06

My MIL sounds like yours. She isn't a nasty woman, far from it, but very negative, constantly criticising etc, so I can understand how it winds you up, particularly over a long period of time.

Having said all that, I can't really see that calling her that would come across as anything other than rude and hurtful.

treaclesoda · 27/12/2014 20:06

although believe me, I've been tempted Wink

herewegoagain1234 · 27/12/2014 20:07

I wish I'd had the guts to say that over the last two days!! Good for you, I know exactly how interfering and overbearing MILs can be, even when you do your best to host. One day I fear something awful is going to slip out! I don't think it's right to be rude but not sure why some people think you should bite your tongue for the next 40yrs?!

Janethegirl · 27/12/2014 20:08

I think calling her a cow is relatively mild under her provocation. As long as your dh is ok with it, I'd leave well alone. Apologizing may just rub it in and give it a higher priority than is really appropriate.

msgrinch · 27/12/2014 20:20

your mil is a better woman than me. I'd have ripped shreds out of you. how dare you.

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