Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL woes

71 replies

TerrifiedMothertobe · 27/12/2014 19:31

My mil and I are very different, we will never be best friends sadly, but obviously I do everything to get on with her.

She's a bit of a hard done by martyr and complains about most things. I'm a strong believer in change it if you can or get on with it and accept it if you can't change it. We are different in many many other ways and she definitely doesn't understand me, but that doesn't really matter.

As usual they came to visit over Christmas, I always make beautiful food, lots of wine, they don't need to raise a finger. They are very good with the boys (2 toddlers) who adore the,, so they are very helpful.

As usual Mil likes to needle, little comments abou things not being good enough, or I'd do it differently. Whatever. I always try to let it wash over me. However, she kept going on yesterday about something so unimportant, and so I casually said, gosh you can be a cow sometimes, not viciously. Everyone laughed it off, But then mil ignored me for the following 36 hours and was pretty much mute.

I feel a bit bad, but then she constantly tried to needle me and I think you can't do that and not expect someone to get pissed off. And, it's not as if I was viscous.

So, was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
Backinthering · 27/12/2014 20:23

It's weird how everyone pushes posters into being so blunt and assertive, then if someone actually is, they get torn to shreds for it.
It's not like there was no provocation.

Goldmandra · 27/12/2014 20:24

Calling someone a cow isn't being assertive.

AryaUnderfoot · 27/12/2014 20:26

I think you're getting a hard time here, OP, as only you know what it is she said.

My sister's MIL was always taking the piss out of the fact that my sister is really flat chested. When she was pregnant her MIL said to her 'I bet you're pleased you have boobs now'. She used to say things like that on a regular basis until my sister said 'it's better than being a fat cow'.

Personally, I don't blame her under the circumstances. However, if you're MIL was just moaning about the gravy, then YWBU.

AliceInHinterland · 27/12/2014 20:27

Oh yes back that's a very interesting observation - and I'm sure words worse than cow have been bandied around in many households this Christmas. Enjoy having got it off your chest OP and it might have given her food for thought. If she objected she should have started a good old row rather than ignoring you for 36 hours!

Fabulous46 · 27/12/2014 20:27

your mil is a better woman than me. I'd have ripped shreds out of you. how dare you.

^^this. I'm a very laid back person but if anyone called me a cow my razor tongue would be unleashed.

Original poster
TerrifiedMothertobe · 27/12/2014 20:30

For the record, being assertive doesn't make any difference, we have talked and she won't / doesn't try to be more tactful or polite. She is what she is. I shouldn't have said it, she did deserve it but it was rude.

However she can't expect to be rude and not expect some level of consequence.

So will I sulk for a day when she next insults me? No, so what do I do?

OP posts:
Janethegirl · 27/12/2014 20:31

There's a lot worse things to be called than a cow. Pretty mild description IMO.

Original poster
TerrifiedMothertobe · 27/12/2014 20:33

Arya, she wasn't moaning about the gravy! Another corker was when I was pregnant and she saw me around 20 weeks and I wasn't showing yet, the last parting words were, "next time I see you, you'll be fat and waddling".

Charming. Not the best for a a first time pregnancy and hormonal imbalance, did I say a word? No, I should have told her t to to be so bloody rude! (She doesn't do sarcasm, irony etc btw)

OP posts:
TheRtHonGeorgianaGobshite · 27/12/2014 20:37

Your'e married to the mother in law that raised your husband.
I was very very lucky (reading on here) to have a fabulous Mother in Law (God rest her Soul).
Good for you challenging her behaviour.
I'm not one for leaving things undone or unsaid. If you have issues and difficulties, go for the gonads, don't fuck about.

MerryMo · 27/12/2014 20:38

I dont think you were rude if she is as bad as you say.

I can sympathise. My ILs have been really rude to me for years and years and I have always bitten my tongue and not retaliated but have come very close to saying something similar to you.

I can understand that when you have someone nipping away constantly its easy to snap and maybe using the word cow was a bit OTT - but you are only human and I do tend to think,if she was rude again and again and again - you lost it and snapped.

She is probably sulking because she is more shocked and embarrassed at any kind of reatliation/confrontation to her behaviour rather than the actual cow word,although that may have stung a bit.

She may think twice in future before she nips away with the sarcastic remarks - if she ever speaks to you again.

Nerf · 27/12/2014 20:43

But some of it is just what people say. I just don't get the horrible anti PIl crap on here at times. .some of you are so sensitive and almost looking to take offense. Maybe she felt fat and waddling in pregnancy and that was her experience and she was just joking around. She didn't say anything g horrible about the way you actually do look did she, just a God pregnancy is grim type comment.

Original poster
TerrifiedMothertobe · 27/12/2014 20:48

Nerd. I agree with you. It is, but most people say it with a bit of humour or a at least with a glint in their eye.

I'm not sensitive, clearly by calling your mil a cow. She was just being unpleasant.

OP posts:
whitesandstorm · 27/12/2014 20:51

My mil was quite the opposite, always took my side in any arguments with her son. i could criticise him and moan about him and she'd always take my side, in fact she'd join in slagging him off, but that was because she wasn't normal, she didn't have any
maternal feelings towards him.

AryaUnderfoot · 27/12/2014 20:52

Terrified maybe you should have worded your thread in a different way.

If you'd titled it 'what should I have said?' and then stated what the offending comments were, I'm sure you'd have received some replies saying 'I would have called her a cow'.

Such is the nature of AIBU.

Original poster
TerrifiedMothertobe · 27/12/2014 20:54

Arya. So wise.

OP posts:
MerryMo · 27/12/2014 20:56

Its hard though because if you have an decent MIL then you will be shocked at the thought of yourself ever calling them a cow.

I can sympathise because my MIL has been an utter cow (and no I am not just being insensitive). I can understand how you can get to the point of snapping back something like Terrified did.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 27/12/2014 21:00

I think you're getting a hard time too. If your MIL constantly snipes at you then she can't start whining when you eventually snap.

As for not being able to change of course she could if she tried she just doesn't want to.

Interesting that you're the only DIL she hasn't fallen out with. How many DILs has she fallen out with.

Original poster
TerrifiedMothertobe · 27/12/2014 21:05

Two sister in laws. Neither talk to her, one won't let her see her grandchildren, very harsh, but says quite a bit about their relationship. I wouldn't ever do that. It would penalise the poor children.

I feel better, I really shouldn't have said it. My dh doesn't think I should apologise, so, I will leave it. Enough said. They have very very kindly agreed to look after our two boys so we can go to my brothers wedding in April, she may change her mind after this. Time will tell.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 27/12/2014 21:05

YANBU. I can't stand sulkers! And being a good hostess definitely does not include letting a guest be consistently rude to you. Hopefully you gave her a surprise and she will tone it down a bit.

CombineBananaFister · 27/12/2014 21:15

Depending where you come from from I don't think 'cow' is such a bad word and can be meant in jest but to others it can't. Okay so you were the host and should have been gracious but if a guest is going to come into your home and be rude, disrepectful and try to wind you up then fuck it !! you get to call them out on it.
Rude people take advantage and count on you to be the better person because they often get away with not being one - fuck them
Am guessing there's back story but everyone on here is such an epitome of manners when constantly provoked on here - bullshit Angry

WineWineWine · 27/12/2014 21:17

Maybe rather than the slightly pathetic and passive aggressive 'gosh you're a cow, ha ha ha' try a more simple, honest and assertive 'I found that remark quite hurtful' or 'that's quite a rude thing to say' or just ignore it. Being rude yourself means you lose the right to complain about her.

in2theblues · 27/12/2014 21:32

Don't be too hard on yourself OP. I should have stood up for myself when the DCs were young. Horrible comments: 'I've knitted two so just one more to go now.' when she has five grandchildren - two of them mine. She meant it to wind me up. I let it go.

There was more, every visit, when I was just trying to do the right thing. I should have admitted to myself then there was no way that was possible.

Then the rant - no one had ever spoken to me like that and never will again because she was beyond rude.

You called yours a cow. That's nothing to what I think of mine.

Original poster
TerrifiedMothertobe · 27/12/2014 21:50

Thanks nice people. I do feel bad. But, I probably shouldn't. She didn't get on with her MiL. Funny that.

OP posts:
MerryMo · 29/12/2014 19:57

She was maybe pushing for a reaction - subconciously. Without realising or thinking through what that reaction maybe.

No you have reacted she may keep her comments and nipping to herself.

We are all human and can only be pushed so far before reacting.

Lymmmummy · 29/12/2014 20:44

Oh dear - not nice - but is she perhaps the type to be very vocal and insensitive in terms of giving her opinions/criticisms whether anyone wants them or not "because that's the way she is" but then becomes very "sensitive" all of a sudden if anyone dare say anything to her - if so you did a good thing - she needs to learn there are consequences when she is rude or needles people - your own home is not an environment where you want to create a one way street for her to think she has free reign to be rude to you but she expect you have no right of reply. Not ideal to call her a cow but can understand how it happened - don't go ott on the apology just be fair but firm