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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL woes

71 replies

TerrifiedMothertobe · 27/12/2014 19:31

My mil and I are very different, we will never be best friends sadly, but obviously I do everything to get on with her.

She's a bit of a hard done by martyr and complains about most things. I'm a strong believer in change it if you can or get on with it and accept it if you can't change it. We are different in many many other ways and she definitely doesn't understand me, but that doesn't really matter.

As usual they came to visit over Christmas, I always make beautiful food, lots of wine, they don't need to raise a finger. They are very good with the boys (2 toddlers) who adore the,, so they are very helpful.

As usual Mil likes to needle, little comments abou things not being good enough, or I'd do it differently. Whatever. I always try to let it wash over me. However, she kept going on yesterday about something so unimportant, and so I casually said, gosh you can be a cow sometimes, not viciously. Everyone laughed it off, But then mil ignored me for the following 36 hours and was pretty much mute.

I feel a bit bad, but then she constantly tried to needle me and I think you can't do that and not expect someone to get pissed off. And, it's not as if I was viscous.

So, was I unreasonable?

OP posts:

petalsandstars · 29/12/2014 21:02

You have my sympathy - my MIL was upset recently by a comment she overheard me make to my DH - not about her or to do with her. Apparently she was in tears because of it - I don't react well to emotional blackmail and stood up for myself when she tried to have a go after I went to apologise for any misunderstanding of what she'd heard. I'm yet to see the fallout but I think the matriarch has been challenged in my IL's (I am mum of this generation!) and there's no reasonable comeback she could make as I did nothing wrong originally. Best get it nipped in the bud now.

PrimalLass · 29/12/2014 21:30

msgrinch Sat 27-Dec-14 20:20:08
your mil is a better woman than me. I'd have ripped shreds out of you. how dare you.

Really? The OP ran around after them for days while they moaned and criticised.

msgrinch · 29/12/2014 21:41

Then discuss it like an adult, don't make rude vicious digs like an adolescent.

Original poster

TerrifiedMothertobe · 04/01/2015 21:17

Grinch, I have tried. On many many occasions over 10 years. My own father has reassured me, he knows what she's like. She sulked the whole way through our wedding breakfast and then sent a very rude letter to my parents afterwards. She was disgusted that they hadn't invited her around the following day. I dint understand why she didn't take the initiative herself to arrange a lunch date instead of bitching, but this is what she is like.

I haven't spoken tot her since the incident and neither has my dh, I am leaving it well alone now. I need to bite my tongue more. New Years resolution.

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 04/01/2015 23:02

She was disgusted that they hadn't invited her around the following day.

Is this a normal thing to expect then?

FixItUpChappie · 04/01/2015 23:15

I don't think you sound "full of yourself" (how harsh!), you just lost your temper. You handled it poorly and so did she. I'd brush it off and leave it be personally - if she brings it up say you were joking and didn't mean to offend and that your sure she didn't mean to offend either.

I empathize. tell you DH that he can save such outbursts from occurring by saying something himself

MarjorieMelon · 04/01/2015 23:25

I suppose it depends on what she said.

Mil once said in a room full of dh's extended family that I was useless at everything, lazy, selfish and like a child, then she laughed as if it was a silly joke. I think I would have been justified in calling her a cow.

PoppySausage · 04/01/2015 23:54

I think you were well within your rights to say this. Didn't strike me as rude at all.

Picking away at you was rude as is being a constant martyr and inflicting this on her family.

If she was a cow, now she knows. Maybe she will realise the consequences of her picking at you.

SmellyFartado · 05/01/2015 00:01

I don't think badly of you OP. She was being rude and you called her on it. Constant digs and passive aggressive comments are bloody rude and little wonder you snapped

Jodie1982 · 05/01/2015 00:13

It was probably a long time coming n much deserved. As you said, she is always snippy with you and making comments. Hope your okay now OP?
I called my MIL much worse things.....but that's a very long story.

DixieNormas · 05/01/2015 01:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCowThatLaughs · 05/01/2015 02:11

If she habitually goes round being a cow to people it's a bit unfair of her to expect no-one to ever mention it

Original poster

TerrifiedMothertobe · 07/01/2015 22:41

I'm still in the sin bin. No communication. However I like fix it ups advise.

My husband still is cross oth her, and thinks she was very rude and childish in her response. I still regret my outburst, but will just try and make and mends, indirectly.

I hope I'm never so cruel to my daughters In law.

OP posts:

DoJo · 07/01/2015 23:26

You could have handled it better, but I don't think it's unnatural to suddenly respond harshly without thinking when someone spends so much time putting you down. She may have had her feelings hurt, but you have had yours hurt plenty of times by her comments, so perhaps this will make her consider that just saying 'she can't/won't change' may not be an adequate solution to that problem. Either that or, if she brings it up, tell her that she should be flattered - you admire the way she relates to people so much that you have decided to emulate her...

Goldmandra · 07/01/2015 23:54

I found the six months in which my MIL wasn't talking to us very peaceful.

If, when she decides to grace you with her presence again, she starts with more bitchy comments, just look her straight in the eye and say "Let's not go down that road again, shall we?" and immediately change the subject.

That sort of warning is often enough to remind a bully that you've stood up to them once and are quite happy to do it again whenever necessary.

Original poster

TerrifiedMothertobe · 22/02/2015 20:42

Short update. Saw mother in law for first time last weekend. She didn't look at me until around 5/6 hours together. She didn't pick at all this time. But, was quite awkward. She was very curt and impersonal although I tried to be friendly.

Next time should be interesting.

OP posts:

grannytomine · 22/02/2015 20:58

Well at least she wasn't having a go so maybe she did learn something? Hope it all works out, has anything been said about the wedding?

KERALA1 · 22/02/2015 21:01

Yanbu. She shouldn't have needled you. Don't dish it out if you can't take it as we used to say at school.

MayLuke83 · 22/02/2015 21:08

I agree. She's learned her lesson. Let her sulk.

cuddybridge · 22/02/2015 21:39

I agree let her sulk. My mil pulled crap like this when someone else insulted her as a response to something I said. She ignored me for my DHs 40 birthday, and refused to speak to him when he pointed out that it wasn't me who said anything. Epic sulk for 6 months till she realised that the only way to see her DgD was to unsulk. Sadly we were then v busy for a while till She got panicky and I relented. It would be nice to say that she never did it again but it was never as bad.

Sazzle41 · 22/02/2015 21:49

I think if its drip, drip, drip needling which i know can totally wear you down, a better response might be 'wow MIL, all this negativity, are you feeling down about something?'. I did that to a friend like this and it pulled her up short. Puts the blame firmly on the needler but makes it clear you think she maybe has a good reason and its not abusive/describes her behaviour. Or i hope it is - anyway it worked for me, friend is now less snipey.

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