My father is Professor Knobbly Knob "The Knob" McKnob, who holds the Chair of Knobbliness at the University of Knobland, is a 6th Dan Grand Master black-belt knob, has written numbers papers and books on How to Be a Complete and Utter Knob, received the MBE for services to knobs, won the Nobel Prize for knobbliness, has won 5 olympic gold medals in knobbliness, has the Royal Charter for providing knobbery performances for the Royal Family, and gives demonstrations whenever possible. A mere catalogue of his achievements in the field of knobbery and knobology would fill some volumes. What follows is a mere example of his capabilities. OK, I maybe exaggerate a bit, but he really is the most offensive knob I know by a country mile.
We invited him to a DFIL birthday party at which numerous old friends of DFIL were present and it was a posh and sedate do full of polite and characterful people, many of them over 70. After dinner we had a performance of opera arias, because that is DFIL's thing. At the end of the (very good) performance there was the requisite applause, then the usual pause of silence whilst everyone rearranges themselves for conversation once more. In the middle of this silence (and still in earshot of the singers) Prof McKnob announced proudly:
"I THOUGHT THAT WAS SHITE".
After recovering I asked him WTF he thought he was doing so, having now got everyone's attention he declared:
"I SAID I THOUGHT THAT WAS SHITE. ABSOLUTE CRAP."
When I failed to speak for some seconds he thought he was being asked to elaborate (rather than apologise), so he did so. He explained how rotten the singers were, how inappropriate it was to do that kind of entertainment, how they should have sung what he considered real music, what nancy clothes they are wearing etc. etc. all at about 110 decibels.
Prof McKnob also celebrated the occasion with loud and irrelevant declarations in bad German, loudly demanding to be taken to his hotel RIGHT NOW (he had conveniently booked himself into a place 45 miles distant because it was cheaper - for him) notwithstanding that this would deprive a number of others including DW of their transport whilst he was chauffeured all round the countryside, critiqued the decor, company and DW dress, stated that it was not surprising the food was SHITE (it wasn't) because after all there was not a decent restaurant anywhere in our country (he lives in a different one, thank God), telling everyone that he hadn't brought me up to wear "posh suits" like the one I had on (no, sweatshirts covered in ketchup stains and baggy courdroys with holes in is his normal attire for formal functions), and topped it all off by starting a row with DFIL about politics and religion.
Prof McKnob never fails to give offence whenever he visits or is visited. You might as well invite Mr Blobby.
He is also an abusive bastard and the stingiest git in Christendom, but that is another story.
And then he complains that we avoid him like Chernobyl.
Twat.