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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to share a bed with my mother?

78 replies

msfreud · 27/12/2014 09:43

For context, I live in a different country from my mother and don't visit often. I'm 31 and she's 70. She's a widow.

Every time I visit her, she asks me to share a bed with her. I always say no. We were recently discussing the new flat she's moving into and she saidshe won't have a spare bed despite having a spare room. She said this was ok as I could share her bed when I visit. I said definitely not but she seems completely unable to see why I have an issue with sleeping in her bed with her.

I find it very intrusive when she asks me to and tbh quite disgusting. I don't know how she can not see any issue with it though.

OP posts:
Janethegirl · 27/12/2014 21:15

YANBU I'd sooner sleep in a blanket on the floor than sleep with my mum

2rebecca · 27/12/2014 21:42

I wouldn't want to and do find her pushiness and discussing her nude sleeping odd. If I have more guests than beds I get the thermarests out and would take one to visit her providing my own bed or tell her I'm staying in a hotel

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 27/12/2014 21:45

I am not so sure is she a pervert?

maybe she is desperately lonely are you an only child?

i think i would have said to my mum i wouldn't mind sharing bed but please wear night dress....if she wont wear night dress shows how much she wants the human warmth and company.

maybe she just misses you and your closeness.

lonliness does funny things having said that thinking if my dad was trying to get my adult bro into bed naked i would think that odd ....so i dont know.

do you think she is a perv, is she odd...do you love her?

NoMoreHappyMrsChicken · 27/12/2014 21:51

I am happy for my Mum to see me naked.

I am happy to share a bed with my Mum.

I would not be happy to combine the two. Neither would she. Very strange imo.

MrsKoala · 27/12/2014 21:52

If there is an alternative i would find it odd for someone to be so persistent. if there wasn't i would think it okay. The nudity would be odd tho.

When i sleep at my parents i sleep with my sons and my mum. They only have 2 rooms and the spare room has a small bed and is small and awkward and up steep stairs. So i sleep in the kingsize bed with mum and the ds (we co sleep so they wouldn't sleep without me) and dad sleeps in the spare room.

A few years ago dad and i went to brussels for a weekend together and we booked a twin room but they only had a double. It was fine - we slept in that together. We both usually sleep naked but kept our undies on.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 27/12/2014 21:53

No way would I EVER EVER EVER share a bed with my Mother. Book into a B&B.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 27/12/2014 21:55

i wonder would people in a diff country find the nakedness so odd though>?
people wander round in saunas in nordic countries totally naked with strangers?

you are from this womans flesh! she passed you out of her most intimate part? she is your mother>

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/12/2014 22:02

It's possibly the fact you don't know what you do in your sleep and may roll over and start fondling thinking you were with dp/dh

Groping your naked mum would scar you for life !!!

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/12/2014 22:03

Anyway sleep on sofa in pj's :)

UpSheFlew · 27/12/2014 22:04

A pretty apt and no-doubt well thought out user name, OP.

MrsKoala · 27/12/2014 22:59

i don't find nakedness with my parents odd ZeVite. We walk around in front of each other naked quite happily (and my parents do with my children too). No one mentions it or notices. What i would find odd is if they continually tried to persuade me to be naked - especially in bed with them. Then that wouldn't feel natural and more self conscious and weird.

gamerwidow · 27/12/2014 23:23

Given the history of your relationship with your mother OP then I think you are right to not want to share a bed,
I general though I think it's fine to share a bed with your mum . I certainly have with mine (and my sister, and my friends)

timetoplay · 27/12/2014 23:28

ZeViteVitchofCwismas Why should coming out of her mums fanny mean she should get up close and personal to it now?

Quoted by the OP about her mum:
She's always been very intrusive
used me to satisfy her own needs a lot when I was little
we were quite isolated
She often had me sleep in her bed when I was a child as well and used me for comfort when she was lonely or upset.

She also does things like telling me the latest research says you should sleep naked because your skin needs to breathe, especially your nether regions. And therefore I should do that and she definitely does herself etc.

She wants OP to share a bloody bed with her and her naked nether and tells the OP that they should be naked too! That's not normal at all, especially given what else the OP has said. Perverted she may or may not be but she had violating ideals that she's trying to press onto the OP.

thegreylady · 27/12/2014 23:38

If I am sharing a hotel room with my dd we ask for twin beds always. I wouldn't feel embarrassed or disgusted to share a bed with her (she shared my body for 9 months) but it would not be my preference ever.

StilleNachtCarolling · 28/12/2014 00:08

I used to frequently share a bed with my sister whilst we were growing up. If we were going away in a group of friends/family etc, without our husbands, then we would probably share a bed - with PJs on!
This also goes for my mum. We are a little strained in our relationship right now but even so I would still share a bed with her if it called for it, again with PJs on.
There are a handful of my friends whom I would also be happy to share a bed with - a couple of them male friends - but only certain ones. I scratch a lot in my sleep, despite antihistamines, and I'm a bit self conscious about it.

Given your situation with your mother (the reasons you gave in your later post) I'd run a mile before sharing a bed with your mother! I don't think you are BU in the slightest! If you really have to stay with her then take a fold up camp bed and a sleeping bag with you!

GothMummy · 28/12/2014 00:19

YANBU
your mother is being odd. I have bed shared with quite a few people, and I dont think its odd, in my younger days it was quite normal to crash 5 to a bed after a night out clubbing. I have shared air beds with friends whilst camping etc. But in this situation I would definately be taking my own air bed and setting it up in the spare room!

RonaldMcDonald · 28/12/2014 00:24

imagine your children feeling this way

makes me feel rather sad when i think one day instead of a pile in a bed I have them moaning about how disgusting it would be to share with me

i wonder if they will re read that pile on a bed situation with their own slant to fit their narrative when they get older
maybe you could consider that and wonder if in fact you wanted to sleep in with her?

perhaps she wants to re create a time when she was closer to you

Why not talk to her about this in a reasonable way?

spottyblanket · 28/12/2014 00:38

Ronaldmcdonald, that's my interpretation too

MidniteScribbler · 28/12/2014 01:03

We go away to dog shows and often share a bed or air mattress, usually with a few dogs for good measure.

But not naked. Never naked. Yuck.

MissHJ · 28/12/2014 01:22

I am quite surprised how many would not like to share with their mother. I used to go into my mum's bed when I was ill or upset. It would not bother me sharing a bed with her. When my son goes over there, he often naps with my mum in bed. So disgusting to me is quite a extreme thing to say. They are the ones who gave birth to you.

However you are not comfortable with it and that's fine. Perhaps invest in a air bed or something like that you could take and being as sensitive and delicate as you can when you visit. Sounds as if your mother is a tad lonely and wants to be close to you when you visit but am sure you can find a way around it.

MissHJ · 28/12/2014 01:26

Oh just read that your mother sleeps naked. My mum saw me give birth to my son but nope if we shared a bed then pjs are always on! As what happens when my son shares with her. Never would we actively be around each other naked, that's a little weird and changes things.

Esmeismyhero · 28/12/2014 09:19

I was recently really ill with tonsillitis and went to my mums round the corner to rest (I have 2 dc under 4) and I slept in her bed. Bless her heart she looked after me all night and slept in the same bed.

As a family we are used to nudity, we went on nudist holidays when I was a teenager etc BUT at no point would my mum insist I sleep in the same bed or be naked for my skin to breathe.

My family and I are very close but if I said " no I'll sleep on the sofa" she would be happy as Larry and not think about it.

It sounds like your either putting too much thought into it doesn't seem likely to me or she has some underlying MH problems or something I'm not a dr in anyway

Custardcream14 · 28/12/2014 10:06

Umm.. This situation is odd.

In my situation I'd have no problem sharing a bed with anyone in my family or my friends.

chrome100 · 28/12/2014 10:07

Not sure why it's "disgusting"? I share a bed with my friends all the time when staying over or on holidays and we are not even related, it's just sleeping surely?

timetoplay · 28/12/2014 10:18

chrome100 It's bit different for the OP is it not? I think it is, I'd be happy to share with parents, family and friends but in the situation OP has described it's very off.

They describe in their update their mother being very intrusive and though they haven't added more on 'used for own needs' it's obvious some things happened that have affected the OP. For the mother then to push and pressure is disgusting and unfair in itself, the possibility that it's disgusting in another way is also possible and would be very sad.

Only the OP knows that though and if they have such bad memories then it's possible that they don't want to come back to the thread and explain further.