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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL threads. AIBU?

55 replies

chilephilly · 26/12/2014 21:01

I feel as if I have read so many threads about MILs.
Christmas is a stressful time, no 2 ways about it.
BUT
I wish I had a MIL.
That's all.

OP posts:

misskangaandroo2014 · 26/12/2014 21:37

I have 3 (one ex, one step and one). They do come in a range of personalities.

ssd · 26/12/2014 21:43

I wish I had a MIL....she wasnt the easiest to get on with, or the best to mydh and kids, but she was still their granny

and while I'm at it I'd like a full set of grandparents for my kids, they have none and I hate it, I wish my mum and dad could see them, they are great kids
it kills me

BeHoHoHove · 26/12/2014 21:43

Mil's are just people too. Nice ones, weird ones, difficult ones and cunty ones.

Mine is in the difficult category. My late mother however, was wonderful and much beloved by all seven of her d/s in law.

It's just your luck I suppose. Mumsnet is a good place to offload.

AryaUnderfoot · 26/12/2014 21:45

I have some real issues with PIL. They are insensitive, lack emotional intelligence and can be very selfish (FIL is - MIL is just a doormat who does whatever he wants).

I have grown to accept them and see their good points. They can be very loving and generous - even if this is very unpredictable. Their issues stem largely from their own very difficult upbringings. I love them both dearly.

They drive me nuts at times. It is far better to have the occasional rant on here than to talk about these things to DH. They are his parents and he, like lots of men with emotionally distant and disapproving fathers, desperately seeks their approval.

I make no apologies for this.

Neither do I expect the posters who start threads titled 'Eton or Westminster?' to be apologetic for the fact that my kids go to a shit state school and I have no realistic alternative.

Sparklingbrook · 26/12/2014 21:50

I would like my MIL back. DS2 was only one when she passed, and Ds1 was four.

Theboodythatrocked · 26/12/2014 21:52

My mil was fantastic. Wish she was still here. Well aware that I was lucky.

MammaTJ · 26/12/2014 21:54

Some of the MILs I read about on here, it would be better to be without a MIL. My first one was a bit shit, making me go and choose my own birthday card because she had 'forgotten' it was my birthday!

From your perspective, with a lovely lady, who would have made a great MIL, YANBU! but to judge others from that YABU!

usualsuspect333 · 26/12/2014 21:56

MN is always full of moaning about MIL threads at Christmas.

They are tedious and make MN fucking dull.

LapsedTwentysomething · 26/12/2014 22:00

Why the fuck people just don't refuse to spend Christmas - or any other time they'd rather not - with people they can't stand just because they're related is beyond me. Perhaps I'm just lucky in that it's easy enough to keep my distance from extended family. My DP, PILs and siblings are great.

SocialMediaAddict · 26/12/2014 22:06

I've had Christmas with my MIL. And my step MIL. Very modern family. No arguments. No fuss. Just a really lovely relaxed Christmas.

Mumsnet is eye opening.

AnonyMust · 26/12/2014 22:06

Here here.
Gd I agree with you whole heartedly.
I got on better with her in the three years of knowing her than I have ever done with my own mother.
A friend of mine once said I was lucky not to gave a mil.
We are no longer friends.
Hugely Insensituve - like saying its a good thing she's dead. Idiot.

pumpkinsweetie · 26/12/2014 22:08

You can only get 2 types of Mil, the good ones, worth their weight in gold or the mil from hell types that are awful all year round, but Xmas just exposes them at their most bitchiest time of year.

If your mil is type 2, don't waste your life making an effort, just part ways, you don't have to put up with an evil person just because they are a relation.

If mil is type 1, cherish her, you are lucky!

Mine is type 2, and so is most of her family, decided it's best for me and my kids to not let her hatred enter our lifes and life is so much better since we finally went NC

LadyLuck10 · 26/12/2014 22:11

Yanbu. I always wonder about the other version of every one of these threads.

Original poster

chilephilly · 26/12/2014 22:33

I can't remember who asked, but yes, I do have a DH.
As I said - Christmas is stressful. I don't have a MIL, because my DH's Mum is no longer with us.
I have DCs, and may well be a MIL one day. I would hate to think I was talked about in the way of some of the MIL threads.
I expect you think I'm some kind of sanctimonious bitch. But ask yourself - would you want to be discussed in that way?

OP posts:

CakeAndWineAreAFoodGroup · 26/12/2014 22:39

My mil was awesome. She didn't know my birthday but that didn't matter as she phoned me every other day for a mumsy chat - and didn't want to speak with her ds! She knew all my secrets and never said a word and I miss her so much.

Beryl, you were a fabulous lady and I wish you were still here!

RedSoloCup · 26/12/2014 22:44

I love my MIL, she is great and as my parents are not about we are very close.

Not all MIL's are evil, lol ....

AgentZigzag · 26/12/2014 22:47

Are you the type of person who will make it clear you feel your DIL is encroaching on your territory, or isn't looking after your DS properly, or is doing everything wrong, or constantly have PA digs at your DIL while you're a guest in their house, or the much worse things you can read in threads any time of the year on MN?

If you're not, you'll won't be talked about anywhere in the way some of the MIL threads go.

Is there anyone in your life who is unreasonable sometimes? Anyone you can compare to the people in the MIL threads where you think 'Yeah, I can get where they're coming from, it's bloody difficult sometimes'?

If you haven't you're lucky.

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 26/12/2014 22:49

If often get the feeling with MIL threads that if these women's own mothers acted in the same way it wouldn't be an issue. It's almost like some posters intend to hate their MILs from the off and put their own mum light years ahead when it comes to spending time with family and seeing grandchildren. They take an awful lot of stick on here and it leads me to worry slightly that my kids will choose to be with people like that

Brummiegirl15 · 26/12/2014 22:50

I have to admit, I agree with op I am shocked at the amount of threads about MIL's.

I'm pregnant with my first DC and I admit I have thought if it's boy, I could be someone else's MIL one day and it scares me to think of being thought of in the way other posters have talked about their MIL's.

But I appreciate this is exactly what MN is here for. So people can talk, unload and find support. It's fulfilling it's purpose

WineWineWine · 26/12/2014 22:53

So I shouldn't complain about my MIL, no matter what she does?
And i should be grateful for everything she does or doesn't do?

GazpachoSoup · 26/12/2014 22:59

I could be someone else's MIL one day and it scares me to think of being thought of in the way other posters have talked about their MIL's

That all depends on how you behave though, surely? I'm mum to two boys and fully aware I'll be MIL to two DIL'S in the future.
I intend to visit, see them once a week or so, and regularly see any future grandkids.
I don't expect to be seeing them every single day, interfering in parenting decisions and generally being there every second of every day with some input, as I wouldn't want to stifle them as it can get overwhelming.
I'd want my own life outside of them too and give them space to breathe as a family unit.
A happy medium is what's needed, and it doesn't always happen. Which is when people vent on here.

drudgetrudy · 26/12/2014 23:01

Some of the MILs described sound awful but some of the people posting seem to be looking for a fight over not very much. Sympathies to anyone with a truly nasty MIL but sometimes the poster sounds like the control freak.

Brummiegirl15 · 26/12/2014 23:04

I'm not criticizing people venting at all - I was just shocked at the number of threads but then I am
new to MN so maybe I'm just naive.

I have a mil but it's not an issue at all probably because my dc hasn't arrived yet!!!

Hobbes8 · 26/12/2014 23:14

I'm sorry if you've lost someone close to you. However there's been a few of these threads recently and I find them a bit weird. MILs are just women. It's like listening to someone complaining about an annoying person they know and jumping in and saying "I knew a person once who DIED so you should be grateful."

How would we ever talk about anything?

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 26/12/2014 23:16

Yes some MILs on these threads seem like toxic old witches. However I think a lot of posters pick at non-issues - eg MIL tells her to burp the baby a different way/wants to babysit her grandchild earlier than the poster expected/wants to stay in her sons home for more than 10 minutes. And because it's a MIL issue its pounced upon. Whereas I personally believe that if the same person posted that their own mum did that they would be very unreasonable indeed!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the onus is on both parties not to behave like arseholes, not just the MIL.

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