MIL threads. AIBU?

[chilephilly]

I feel as if I have read so many threads about MILs.
Christmas is a stressful time, no 2 ways about it.
BUT
I wish I had a MIL.
That's all.

[BingBongMerrilyOnHigh]

I certainly wouldn't want any future partner of my child to think of me, as I think of my MIL. But then I wouldn't behave as she does. For example, throwing DH out when his JSA ended, basically ignoring us for several years, then coming round so much after DD was born that DH and I nearly split up. Forcing the door open & damaging the pram than was behind it - at this point we started locking the doors full time. Spending so much cuddling DD when she was newborn that DH and I couldn't settle her ourselves. On the couple of occasions we told her that her (uninvited, impromptu) visits were not convenient, she and FIL threw an actual tantrum outside the door, then refused to speak to us for several days. She has chased the HV, my boss, and my family out of the house, all of whom were on planned visits & with whom I had specific issues I wanted to discuss. Ignoring me if DH or other people aren't there to witness it, and mocking my accent, and DD's, as it's different to MIL's accent. Giving DD age inappropriate & dangerous toys (eg wooden barbecue skewers for a newly walking 14 month old), then calling me precious when I walked in & freaked out when I saw what DD was holding as she tottered along.

[fuckmeblindiknowthatcat]

My ex-MIL was awesome. She lived in a different country, didn't speak a word of English and was an excellent cook.

I don't miss my ex-husband but have fond memories of my kind, headscarf-wearing MIL

[Fluffyears]

Have my manipulative, clingy pain in the arse if you like!

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

For those who would like a MIL I can offer up my dad's. (My grandmother.)

My parents were due to marry straight out of university and she did not approve of the wedding so she phoned up the place that my dad was due to start his first job in 2 weeks after the wedding and told a pack of lies to try to get them not to employ him. In the hope that he would lose the job and she'd be able to persuade my mum not to marry him. (Just for the record he worked there for over 40 years until he retired and he and my mum have now been married for over 43 years.)

So roll up, roll up - who would like a MIL who actively tries to ruin your life????

Personally I get on fine with my MIL - she's a bit annoying sometimes when I stay with her / she stays with me but then so is my own mum!

[Allisgood1]

I do too. I think about it all the time. It's not fucking fair.

[IsChippyMintonExDirectory]

Yes some MILs on these threads seem like toxic old witches. However I think a lot of posters pick at non-issues - eg MIL tells her to burp the baby a different way/wants to babysit her grandchild earlier than the poster expected/wants to stay in her sons home for more than 10 minutes. And because it's a MIL issue its pounced upon. Whereas I personally believe that if the same person posted that their own mum did that they would be very unreasonable indeed!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the onus is on both parties not to behave like arseholes, not just the MIL.

[Hobbes8]

I'm sorry if you've lost someone close to you. However there's been a few of these threads recently and I find them a bit weird. MILs are just women. It's like listening to someone complaining about an annoying person they know and jumping in and saying "I knew a person once who DIED so you should be grateful."

How would we ever talk about anything?

[Brummiegirl15]

I'm not criticizing people venting at all - I was just shocked at the number of threads but then I am
new to MN so maybe I'm just naive.

I have a mil but it's not an issue at all probably because my dc hasn't arrived yet!!!

[drudgetrudy]

Some of the MILs described sound awful but some of the people posting seem to be looking for a fight over not very much. Sympathies to anyone with a truly nasty MIL but sometimes the poster sounds like the control freak.

[GazpachoSoup]

I could be someone else's MIL one day and it scares me to think of being thought of in the way other posters have talked about their MIL's

That all depends on how you behave though, surely? I'm mum to two boys and fully aware I'll be MIL to two DIL'S in the future.
I intend to visit, see them once a week or so, and regularly see any future grandkids.
I don't expect to be seeing them every single day, interfering in parenting decisions and generally being there every second of every day with some input, as I wouldn't want to stifle them as it can get overwhelming.
I'd want my own life outside of them too and give them space to breathe as a family unit.
A happy medium is what's needed, and it doesn't always happen. Which is when people vent on here.

[WineWineWine]

So I shouldn't complain about my MIL, no matter what she does?
And i should be grateful for everything she does or doesn't do?

[Brummiegirl15]

I have to admit, I agree with op I am shocked at the amount of threads about MIL's.

I'm pregnant with my first DC and I admit I have thought if it's boy, I could be someone else's MIL one day and it scares me to think of being thought of in the way other posters have talked about their MIL's.

But I appreciate this is exactly what MN is here for. So people can talk, unload and find support. It's fulfilling it's purpose

[IsChippyMintonExDirectory]

If often get the feeling with MIL threads that if these women's own mothers acted in the same way it wouldn't be an issue. It's almost like some posters intend to hate their MILs from the off and put their own mum light years ahead when it comes to spending time with family and seeing grandchildren. They take an awful lot of stick on here and it leads me to worry slightly that my kids will choose to be with people like that

[AgentZigzag]

Are you the type of person who will make it clear you feel your DIL is encroaching on your territory, or isn't looking after your DS properly, or is doing everything wrong, or constantly have PA digs at your DIL while you're a guest in their house, or the much worse things you can read in threads any time of the year on MN?

If you're not, you'll won't be talked about anywhere in the way some of the MIL threads go.

Is there anyone in your life who is unreasonable sometimes? Anyone you can compare to the people in the MIL threads where you think 'Yeah, I can get where they're coming from, it's bloody difficult sometimes'?

If you haven't you're lucky.

[RedSoloCup]

I love my MIL, she is great and as my parents are not about we are very close.

Not all MIL's are evil, lol ....

[CakeAndWineAreAFoodGroup]

My mil was awesome. She didn't know my birthday but that didn't matter as she phoned me every other day for a mumsy chat - and didn't want to speak with her ds! She knew all my secrets and never said a word and I miss her so much.

Beryl, you were a fabulous lady and I wish you were still here!

[chilephilly]

I can't remember who asked, but yes, I do have a DH.
As I said - Christmas is stressful. I don't have a MIL, because my DH's Mum is no longer with us.
I have DCs, and may well be a MIL one day. I would hate to think I was talked about in the way of some of the MIL threads.
I expect you think I'm some kind of sanctimonious bitch. But ask yourself - would you want to be discussed in that way?

[LadyLuck10]

Yanbu. I always wonder about the other version of every one of these threads.

[pumpkinsweetie]

You can only get 2 types of Mil, the good ones, worth their weight in gold or the mil from hell types that are awful all year round, but Xmas just exposes them at their most bitchiest time of year.

If your mil is type 2, don't waste your life making an effort, just part ways, you don't have to put up with an evil person just because they are a relation.

If mil is type 1, cherish her, you are lucky!

Mine is type 2, and so is most of her family, decided it's best for me and my kids to not let her hatred enter our lifes and life is so much better since we finally went NC

[AnonyMust]

Here here.
Gd I agree with you whole heartedly.
I got on better with her in the three years of knowing her than I have ever done with my own mother.
A friend of mine once said I was lucky not to gave a mil.
We are no longer friends.
Hugely Insensituve - like saying its a good thing she's dead. Idiot.

[SocialMediaAddict]

I've had Christmas with my MIL. And my step MIL. Very modern family. No arguments. No fuss. Just a really lovely relaxed Christmas.

Mumsnet is eye opening.

[LapsedTwentysomething]

Why the fuck people just don't refuse to spend Christmas - or any other time they'd rather not - with people they can't stand just because they're related is beyond me. Perhaps I'm just lucky in that it's easy enough to keep my distance from extended family. My DP, PILs and siblings are great.

[usualsuspect333]

MN is always full of moaning about MIL threads at Christmas.

They are tedious and make MN fucking dull.

[MammaTJ]

Some of the MILs I read about on here, it would be better to be without a MIL. My first one was a bit shit, making me go and choose my own birthday card because she had 'forgotten' it was my birthday!

From your perspective, with a lovely lady, who would have made a great MIL, YANBU! but to judge others from that YABU!

[Theboodythatrocked]

My mil was fantastic. Wish she was still here. Well aware that I was lucky.