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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sick to death regarding the negativity to my pregnancy?

82 replies

SamiBE · 26/12/2014 20:58

Ok so I'm 28, happily married with 3 DC.
My ds1 is 11 , dd is 7 and my youngest ds will be 1 tomorrow. My 4th is due in 6 weeks.
All I here from people when they see im pregnant
Is how hard I'm going to find looking after 2 babies, or always being asked "how the hell will I cope" I was even told by a former colleague that" I'm a silly girl for getting pregnant again"

All these comments are really getting to me and making me feel down, I know it won't be the easiest of things but we will manage. I find that people just can't be happy for us and they have to get their two cents worth in, Why can't they see the positives such as having two that will grow up together and be close? It the fact that Im going to have another beautiful baby to complete my family?

OP posts:

cleoteacher · 27/12/2014 14:25

Tell me about it. Due with dd in six weeks when ds will be 2.2. Recently all I hear about is how hard it is, how hellish the first year is, how having two is so much harder than 1 and how they wonder how they ever thought 1 was hard.

It has taken the excitement away a little and I admit I feel nervous. But I felt nervous with ds1 and it was fine. I am fed up with it and want to distance myself from these people for the time being.

Think it's my own fault a little as I do talk quite a lot and admit bit nervous, whereas I get negatives which I must stop doing.

CruCru · 27/12/2014 14:26

When I was 6 weeks pregnant with DD, the nurse at my GP asked if it was an accident (I had DS who was 16 months old with me). I said no, I'd had IVF for both and I was about to turn 35.

toomuchtooold · 27/12/2014 14:27

God what is wrong with people. Luckily I never got any negative comments when pregnant (I had twins by IVF) because it would have been hard to reach far enough past the bump to punch them.

CrispyFB · 27/12/2014 14:30

DC4 is nearly 10 months (DC1 is 8 years old, so all four fairly close together)

The in-laws kept making pointed comments when we were TTC (they did not know) about how three is more than enough etc. Bet they were not too thrilled but thankfully they knew better than to say something once we announced to them.

If I had a quid for every time somebody said "oooh, you've got your hands full" then nobody would need to work in the family. I know people mean well but it is just so grating. As are the comments about "tvs", "you know what causes that". Yes, 14 months of determined TTC, including investigative surgery and blood/sperm tests. Why? (I have to admit to replying with that sometimes if I'm feeling particularly grumpy that day - boy, does it shut them up..)

One bright side of having four is when you're out and about with just the one or two, and you get those people appear and offer "advice", telling them that actually you have four gets you one of two very satisfying responses:

"Oh, well you're the expert then, I only had 1/2/3" followed by a complete drop of the patronising tone or
"Oh, I had 4/5/6 etc, I know what it's like" with a genuine smile and again the patronising tone is dropped.

Honestly, it's worth having four for that reason - somehow having three I never quite reached the "respect" stage with judgemental strangers.

Congratulations!!

elliejjtiny · 27/12/2014 15:23

Congratulations. I have 5 and my youngest 2 are 12 months 9 days apart. I had all the negative comments too and it's awful.

JackShit · 27/12/2014 15:38

YANBU to be miffed, but expect comments. An increasing number of us are concerned about the environmental impact of so many people having 4 and 5 children.

prettywoman35 · 27/12/2014 16:07

yanbu. I would have had a 4th in a heartbeat if I was younger and dh amianable. Enjoy your lovely family.I was one of 7 and it was great.

prettywoman35 · 27/12/2014 16:09

Jack but many decide or are unablee to have any children so it balances out. In my circle of 5 close friends 3 haven't had any dc, 1 has 1 and I have 3.

formerbabe · 27/12/2014 16:36

Prettywoman...I don't think it balances out as schools everywhere are over subscribed, the nhs is creaking at the seams. Over population is a massive problem worldwide.

Of course the birth of a new baby is a cause for celebration and lovely for the family. I would always offer my congratulations and not say a negative word.

FindoGask · 27/12/2014 16:41

Lucky you. I'd love a big family but for a few reasons, mainly health-related and financial, we've stopped at two. You're one of the lucky ones, and if I were you I'd stop focusing on other people's reactions because they don't mean squat.

also cleoteacher - I honestly found two much easier than one, I know it sounds counter-intuitive but I really did

biggles50 · 27/12/2014 19:18

I feel your pain. When I was expecting my fourth child you'd think I had committed a crime with some of the comments. The way I handled it was to pretend I thought they were being kind. So thank them for their heartfelt concern and tell them not to worry about you as you're a mother to three so know the ropes. Besides I bet your baby will be calm and relaxed because of your experience.

grannytomine · 27/12/2014 19:32

I remember this so well from when I was having my fourth, I wonder what it is about four that seems to upset people so much. My late MIL actually started smashing dishes when we told her.

I am sure your little one will bring you much joy, and it will be hard work but anything worthwhile is. Enjoy your baby and ignore rude people.

littlesupersparks · 27/12/2014 19:54

I get this. I have a 4 yo and 2 yo and pregnant with twins. It's bloody awful because all we get is horror stories. It's annoying because there would be nowhere near this number of comments if it was 'just' number 3. I'm getting really fed up of it and still have 4 months left to go!! We are actually very excited to be having twins and I've always wanted 4 kids :-) but it's not like we asked for twins!!

EbwyIsUpTheDuff · 27/12/2014 21:28

I always respond truthfully to anyone having twins - "Oh wow! NOW I'm jealous!"

(I've always wanted twins)

hashtagwhatever · 27/12/2014 21:31

I had 4 under five by age 22. People just like to pass judgement. Actually I am very glad all bottles, nappy changing ect happened at relatively the same time.

Congratulations btw.

anothernumberone · 27/12/2014 21:32

My DB and Dsil have 6 children down to a baby with a variety of age gaps, frankly they make parenting look easy. Ignore, people can be idiots.

TheABC · 27/12/2014 21:37

Congratulations! Ignore the muppets. DH and myself are talking about another, but DS is acting as very effective contraception. So allow me to admire your baby-making sex goddess prowess.

Hedgehogparty · 27/12/2014 22:57

What jack shit said- I'd be polite but the impact of more people having big families worries me.

The world is overpopulated

furcoatbigknickers · 27/12/2014 23:18

Another one here who wanted twins! Wised dd3 was 2 but of course delighted with dd3 and ds1. Over population, nhs worries, schools over loaded meh. It is too late when dcs ate here horay

Wherediparkmybroom · 28/12/2014 08:17

Of hearing I'm pregnant with no 3 my DM said I told you not to! To which I replayed yep and we ignored you! Problem sorted!

formerbabe · 28/12/2014 10:09

Yeah furcoat, who gives a shit hey?!

greenfolder · 28/12/2014 10:20

people are idiots

i had dd3 when dd1 was 13 and dd2 was 10. all i had was people telling me that i was mad. and they would hate to start all over again.

my response was it was a good job it was me then, and not them.

Bunbaker · 28/12/2014 10:22

"When people question your ability to cope what they're really saying is that they couldn't cope if it were them. People always say the stupidest shit when they don't understand a situation fully."

I agree. Due to fertility issues I only have one child, but would have had two if I could. I must admit that the idea of having four children is not for me and I genuinely do find the idea of it hard work, but I would never criticise someone or be rude to them about their size of family.

Rainbow · 28/12/2014 10:26

I will apologise now as I haven't read all the posts but I have 4 DS. 19yo 13yo 12yo and 3yo. I had it all ways and all negative. All the negativity because I was only 20yo with DS1, the gap was a little big I would find it difficult to "start all over again" with DS2. "It's going to be hard with 2 so close and needy. How will DS1 cope with lack of attention?" With DS3 "aren't you a little old to be having a fourth, after all you have 3 already don't you think that's enough?" with DS4. People seem to feel the need to be negative. What ever your situation people will find the "wrong". It will be had but you will find routines, strategies and ways to cope. You also has two older ones who could help. Use wanttosqueezeyou comebacks put a smile on you face and infect everyone with your excitement. Four children does mean 4x the washing, hassle, heartbreak, and trouble but it also means 4 X the fun, joy, love and pride. Have fun x

MrsDeVere · 28/12/2014 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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