To refuse an invitation on these grounds?

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

DD18 has been friends with a neighbour's DGD14 just about all her life. DGD didn't have too good a start in life, but her nan has brought her up with love.
BUT: DGD is now getting invitations to parties where it's the birthday boy/girl doing the socialising with parents taking a back seat. Nan is now refusing invites because the host won't be able to pay DGD full attention. DGD is neurotypical if a bit quiet. She can be clingy, but this is only after contact with her worthless mother. DD would like DGD to come to her next birthday (at home, DD cooking) in a couple of months. Attendance is going to be a dozen and then the over18s are going clubbing. Nan has already refused the dinner invitation because DGD can't go clubbing, although there are a couple of younger people who won't be going either. Overprotective, controlling or just sad?

I take it you will be there when they are at home, albeit taking a back seat.

Overprotective I would say, as it is only next door and she will be going home before they all head off clubbing.

She is probably just very aware of the different age group though.

Could you reassure her that you will see that the girl goes straight home as required / drinks no alcohol or whatever is agreed?

It might help.

I might be in the minority but I don't think she's necessarily being any of those things. Emotionally there is a huge difference between 14 and 18 year olds, and whilst your dd and the dgd are friends and have things in common it may not be the case for the rest of the 18 year olds that are attending the meal. It could be that she is worried about the influence 'hanging out' with what are essentially young adults has on an impressionable 14 year old child (not saying there is anything wrong with your ds and her friends but I know when I was that age I would have struggled differentiating between appropriate conversation and not so much with a young friend present).
As for the other invitations she has turned down it could be possible the girl is too shy to want to go with a group of peers she doesn't know as well.

Diva: That sounds reasonable. I think it's sad, because poor DGD's older siblings aren't normal at all. I was hoping that a bit of exposure to young men and women who aren't criminal, addicted or unemployable would be good for her.

14 yo can't drink, 18 yo can - I can see why GM is worrying esp. that she doesn't know your DD friends.

I think is sensible what the GM is doing.

I agree the influence could be good and work in favour of her dgd growing up seeing a different perspective on life but I do think her grandma is being quite wise. Do you think you dd could arrange a dvd night at a later date with the dgd just the two of them? As her grandma would probably feel comfier with this? 14 is a tricky age especially with the girls background as she may be more susceptible to failing off the rails so to speak.
They're both going through transitional times in their young lives though and it may be a case that they do drift away from each other, it's not a reflection upon your dd or the dgd, ive some fantastic friends whom I've had since my early 20's, all at least 5 years older than me-but I don't think our friendships would have survived my teenage years as we were just so far apart.

Sorry about the typos, I'm on my phone and trying to multi task

Overprotective, controlling or just sad? - well, you've made your mind up, haven't you. There are other possible reasons.

It does seem a bit over-protective not to allow her to come to dinner, but if this girl has had a difficult start in life, and if her older siblings have all gone off the rails, I suppose it's more understandable.

It can be a difficult situation when one is younger than the others. My son's was friend's with some lads about 2-3 years older than him. didn't make any difference as children, but as they grew older it led to some hard decisions for me about what he could or couldn't do, and where he could and couldn't go. I tended to let him go rather than isolate him from his friends, but I'm not sure now that it was always the right decision, in hindsight. There is a big difference between 14 year olds and 18 year olds. A group of mostly 18 year old young women are going to be talking about stuff that may not be appropriate for a 14 year old, even if only in the sense that a 14 year old shouldn't be at the same level of behaviour/development but will be influenced by wanting to keep up with stuff that's fine for the 18 year olds but wrong for the younger.

Also if you say - her nan has brought her up with love then trust that person to carry on good job they have been doing.

antimatter: fair enough. I just feel sorry for her, especially at this time of year.

It you are going to be present and the nan knows this then I think she is being a bit strict/controlling. At 14 I'm surprised dgc needs to ask permission just to go to dinner.

If you are not planning to be present then it's a different story and I don't think a 14 yo should be having dinner with a bunch of 18yo as conversation will be a bit different.