MIL (sorry another one) refusing to give presents on Christmas Day

[vvviola]

Relationship with MIL is slightly fraught - she's controlling and can't accept DH is an adult. DH has limited patience for her and I try my best but resent her trying to overrule me in my own home. Added complication: we are emigrating in January back to where I'm from.

DH was on the phone to her this morning. We drive 2 hours to her house after breakfast on Christmas morning. Kids get minimal time to play with their toys, although we do try to bring some.

MIL has now decided that she will not be giving her presents (which incidentally I had to buy on her behalf because I suggested that a shopping trolley was not an appropriate carry on bag for a 3 yo) until Boxing Day. She will not move on the issue. She will also not move on the structure of the day (arrive at hers, hang around for 2 hours, go to her sisters for dinner, return home at 3 "for a nap", go back to her sisters at 7 for "party games and dessert", none of which is suitable for 3yo and 7yo and is, frankly bedtime for them).

AIBU to think it's extremely unfair to expect 2 young children to drive for 2 hours on Christmas morning and then be told they won't get Christmas presents until the following day? Especially when the rest of the day is really not child friendly.

The whole thing makes me feel like they are an inconvenience to the way she wants her day, and makes me wonder why we go at all.

I mean, if it was your last Christmas with your grandchildren for a few years, wouldn't you want make as many lovely memories as you could??

I haven't read all the posts but have read the OPs.

As others have said the present issue really, really doesn't matter. I also think that you are worrying too much. I see that you have relaxed a bit since your first post though

I honestly don't think kids mind what they do half as much as you might think. If you are happy and unstressed then they will enjoy themselves. Even if it's a totally different xmas than normal they won't care unless everyone else is miserable.

I've spent xmas with my in laws and my approach is to not worry about any of it and have fun. I just go along with the flow even though they are all weird and bonkers It's much better for me to unclench.

You have listed your MILs itinery in the most negative way possible. 'Hanging around for two hours' makes it sound like you will be waiting in a train station. . Coming back for a nap doesn't actually mean you have to sleep. You could put on a movie or play board games. You could even go out for a walk. In the evening If your three year old is tired can't you just put her to bed at the sisters.

I'm sorry but you do sound unreasonable and looking for problems.

If someone is controlling i have always found the best tactic when they outline their 'demands' is to smile sweetly, agree and watch them back off thinking they've 'won'. Then , when the time comes you just 'adapt' the bits you dont like to suit you. So.... you take some loud, noisy presents to open there and dont rush to be on time. As no one else goes back for the games at night neither should you, you either go back to MIL's or go home (the children are 'overtired/have a temperature'). At 'nap time' its time to play the child friendly video and get out the quality street. As you are emigrating soon after any fall out will be minimal/short lived and if she kicks off on the day she looks like the Grinch for 'spoiling it for the kids'.

Well, update time:

We had a nice morning, if a little rushed trying to get everything done. The time we needed to arrive at Aunts house changed 3 times over the course of the morbing and the drive to MILs .

Thankfully we arrived just in time to go to Aunts.

Aunts was lovely. Not very festive (they don't do turkey etc and it's very casual plates on laps) but was perfectly lovely. I didn't get my insemination chat , but we did chat instead about wetas and other local bugs. MIL pretty much ignored the DC for the whole time.

MIL had apparently changed her mind overnight about the presents - so when we got back from Part 1 at Aunts she decided it was present time. All fine by me, it seemed like a logical time. But the she proceeded to shove presents at them at the speed of light until they both looked totally bewildered. She had also gone against every single thing we'd discussed about presents (all pretty minor things, no big deal in the grand scheme of things but annoying all the same).

Kids were hungry but were not allowed eat any "proper" food as that would happen at Part 2 of Aunts. I raided our cool box for a few bits for DD2 in particular, but otherwise said nothing.

We were told it was nap time, but when DH went to lie down he was told we had to go.

We stayed for 1 party game. MIL randomly shoving gifts at the DC in the middle of the game for no apparent reason.

I'm now trying to get over tired DD2 to sleep while DH deals with overtired DD1. They enjoyed themselves though so that was good.

It was just so fraught. All the back and forth, in and out of the car, being hurried and pushed. It was exhausting.

And I can now hear another fight brewing in the hall outside, MIL trying to overrule DH about something to do with DD1.

It's just exhausting and never-ending.

Just think you're leaving the country mil can't come

Merry Christmas! Just twiddling my thumbs waiting for DD4 to wake up!

Boxing day has been a repeat of Christmas Day in the sense of "this is how I do it". She doesn't cook on Boxing Day or allow cooking in the house. Which is fine, but there was no leftovers as they were all at her sister's house. I managed to get a few bits together for the DC from the cool box we had brought, but didn't manage to get anything proper to eat myself until I went out at 3.

I am counting down the hours until tomorrow when we move into Aunts house. I get on so much better with MIL (as does DH) when we get a bit of space in the evening and get to sort out food ourselves.

Although it now seems that young (early 20s) cousin is still going to be in the house for 3 days. Which is going to be awkward as we don't know him all that well as he's been away travelling (I've met him 3 times), and I suspect kids running around at 6am won't exactly be his cup of tea!

Well done for surviving this far without snapping - courage my dear, soon all this will be just memories you can use as hilarious anecdotes.

Well done op.
I would have packed up and gone home by now.
Sounds grim.

Good luck with the next few days!
MIL sounds so bossy and controlling that it must be a real trial to have to spend any length of time with her. And she is so inconsiderate - who doesn't stock up when their DS, DDIL and DGC are coming to visit? that is incredibly rude of her.
I just hope she doesn't insist on coming to visit you next year, because I have this awful feeling she will continue to insist on having things her way in your house too.

God, the pointless rules and traditions and the bolting on of new rules at the last minute to test your patience even more... I know that one, but have never had it as bad.

It's been fun for me to read, but sounds bloody awful to live through. Thanks for that, OP. You dealt with it very well.

I also appreciated the time difference because I didn't even have to wait for updates. What a truly considerate person you are

When do you fly away from this woman?

She doesn't cook on Boxing Day or allow cooking in the house. Which is fine

No, really OP, it's not. It's mad.

Limited I meant in the sense that usually on Boxing Day there are so many leftovers around that it's just a case of either reheating or making sandwiches or whatever, that there is often no need to actually cook. My DM certainly has a personal "I don't cook on Boxing Day" rule - and I don't blame her after the epic feast she prepares for Christmas Day. Mind you, she'd never stop someone else cooking.

But yes, it is totally mad to have that rule when there's actually no leftovers in the house.

I get it OP. I like Boxing Day even better than the main event. All those leftovers to make sandwiches out of and then bubble and squeak with cold meat.

That's what I mean by cooking.

I get what you are saying about not cooking being ok if there are leftovers - which obviously there isn't. So not providing food all day is mad!

Thank god for the cooler box!!!! Nothing worse than hungry children (which your mil probably knew!)

Well we've been made more welcome by cousin than ever at MIL's. I mean, it's still a bit weird and awkward - everyone is kind of tiptoeing around being ultra polite. But we've already been pointed towards some lovely leftovers in the fridge that his Mum left behind, told to help ourselves to this that and the other and generally made feel perfectly welcome despite the oddness of the situation.

DH is beginning to return to his usual self (still pretty much grumpy old man, but good humoured and considerate instead of stressed and worried).

It will still be a long week I suspect. But when we have a bit of personal space and aren't subject to the odd rules and can choose bedtimes for our children then I find it a lot easier to focus on how much the DC love her and how much fun they are having down here. Today we saw lions, fed ducks, fish, alpacas and pigs, and DH and DD1 spent nearly an hour in a maze while DD2 and I pottered about with games on the grass nearby. Would have been perfect if not for the bug bites (NZ bugs love me and I react really badly - I've currently got ankles the size of tree trunks thanks to the latest crop of bites)