MIL (sorry another one) refusing to give presents on Christmas Day

[vvviola]

Relationship with MIL is slightly fraught - she's controlling and can't accept DH is an adult. DH has limited patience for her and I try my best but resent her trying to overrule me in my own home. Added complication: we are emigrating in January back to where I'm from.

DH was on the phone to her this morning. We drive 2 hours to her house after breakfast on Christmas morning. Kids get minimal time to play with their toys, although we do try to bring some.

MIL has now decided that she will not be giving her presents (which incidentally I had to buy on her behalf because I suggested that a shopping trolley was not an appropriate carry on bag for a 3 yo) until Boxing Day. She will not move on the issue. She will also not move on the structure of the day (arrive at hers, hang around for 2 hours, go to her sisters for dinner, return home at 3 "for a nap", go back to her sisters at 7 for "party games and dessert", none of which is suitable for 3yo and 7yo and is, frankly bedtime for them).

AIBU to think it's extremely unfair to expect 2 young children to drive for 2 hours on Christmas morning and then be told they won't get Christmas presents until the following day? Especially when the rest of the day is really not child friendly.

The whole thing makes me feel like they are an inconvenience to the way she wants her day, and makes me wonder why we go at all.

I mean, if it was your last Christmas with your grandchildren for a few years, wouldn't you want make as many lovely memories as you could??

DCs getting pressies on both days (Christmas and Boxing Day) is cool. Maybe.

You do look a bit peaky, vvviola, I'm sure you're coming down with something best stay home and rest! :o

Those of you that suggest op stays at home you did read that they are emigrating in a couple of weeks.

OP, you know your mil best of course, but do understand that much loved children emigrating (which if your currently in NZ is probably to the UK, yes?) - sends parents utterly loopy. Having done it myself, I remember my darling ma and pa who were thoroughly supportive of our move, went really odd (as did I) over the final few weeks. It's horribly horribly traumatic for the whole family so your "controlling" mil may be pretty traumatised by the fact that her lovely son, daughter in law, and grandchildren will shortly be 1000s of miles away.

Of course she may just be an awful person, but it's two days. The kids will be fine, but do please understand that she is going through a tough time anticipating a time when you will all be long gone and she'll be left alone.

Yes controlling, just thinking about how you could make the best of it.

1. 2 hours at mil before going for lunch, bring games from home for kids. Come back for a nap but instead do your own thing as a family. Play games, go for a walk etc

1. Take a travel cot or similar for 2yo and put to bed for 7pm party

1. Take alternative pudding and something for 7yo to play with while adults are doing games.

You know Archduke you are of course right. And I've been telling myself that a lot recently. But she has been doing shades of this behaviour for the whole time we have lived in NZ, it's not entirely new.

But. I am going to bite my lip a lot, protect the children from the worst of it (as a PP said, bringing games etc, doing our own thing when we can etc) and try to be understanding. It's bloody hard though.

It does sound tough. However I agree with the posters who have said smile and agree - if you don't provide a fight she no longer has one either.

"Presents when I chose" "what a fabulous idea - the children can learn the real rules of receiving" I bet in her head her reply will be "huh?!"

vvviola, I do sympathise. It must be hard for you being away from your family and having to deal with your mil and no doubt slightly freaked out dh. But go with it. Think of your kindness to mil as an act of compassion.

Good luck.

I just would not put myself my poor DC through this and would have hoped my DH wouldn't either.

I don't undertand how MIL getting in an almighty strop is worse than what you are about to endure, especially when you are about to emigrate.

I'd kill her with kindness. It's one last Christmas together. Don't give the old boot the satisfaction of winding you up.

I like the pp suggestions of putting the 2yo to bed in a travel cot. Or a pram, would that work? At that age I could have got ds off to sleep in the evening in a pram and put him to bed when we got home.

I also think making the 7yo nap so she can stay up late and play games is a good idea.

Pencil and paper word games sound dire and I wouldn't want to do this let alone a child. Suggest you take an iPad or similar with games or films the. 7 yo can enjoy.

Is your dh up for pushing the start time back by 90mins as a compromise. You still do half of her hanging around before lunch but get a bit more time at home.

If not just take some toys with you and play with them there. It's only what you'd be doing at home right?

Presents on Boxing Day would suit me. We like to spin things out and enjoy playing with the presents we've got.

I think you should take some presents with you to open there.

You've got them moonsand and a drum kit, right?

This is 100% about the fact you are emigrating.

As you've already decisively won the war, I'd graciously let her have this battle. Don't make a fuss, be the soul of courtesy and if you have to grit your teeth just think of all those future Christmases in your home country without her.

I wonder if she's always thought you'd one day take her ds away and has been odd because of that. Just musing but that doesn't help you now.
Grin and bear it and count the days until you get on that plane.
For things like the evening games, don't go. Send dh and say to her thatyou want him to be able to focus on his mum 100% while you deal with tired dc. They can't argue with you giving them quality time? You put dc to bed and drink wine. Repeat as often as required.

Really, you're just going to have to bite your lip and make the best of it. It's the last time. Next year it can be exactly how you want it to be. Be utterly charming, kill her with kindness, and enjoy your conversation about artificial insemination of cattle

Same as Baffled ^^, why not stay back at hers with the children while she and your husband go back to the other house?
Other than that, I guess, try to count it down as best you can, given that it is probably the last time you will need to do it.
Lots of and maybe for you!

I agree with Archduke - in the circumstances you really will need to grin and bear it to be the better person. I suppose the presents on boxing day thing is about wanting her gifts to have some impact. Will they not get things from the rest of dh's family on Christmas day though?

MIL has now decided that she will not be giving her presents (which incidentally I had to buy on her behalf) until Boxing Day. She will not move on the issue.

This is utterly ridiculous. Does she see you [all] as her servant[s]? After all Boxing day was traditionally the day that the masters presented their servants with their Christmas 'boxes'. Or is she just trying to get you to bite?

Trying to answer some of the questions:

DH was living over my side of the world when we met. He hadn't lived in NZ for over 5 years at the time. If anything meeting me/having kids is what brought him back.

FunkyBold I did mention that to DH. He reckons it's probably closer to the truth that her pastor/church leader person (it's some kind of independent church) has said something about Christmas not being about gifts and she is imposing her interpretation of that on us. I'm not so sure - her church "closes for Christmas"'for about a month, so I don't see them expecting everyone to be in church all day Christmas Day!

DH hasn't explicitly said, but I suspect he'd rather chew his arm off than have to endure the games alone.

There won't be presents for the DDs from anyone but MIL and great-MIL. We don't see a lot of the rest of the family, they all have a lot going on, so it is special occasions only.

They haven't got a lot to open, mainly because with emigrating, we didn't want to give them lots of new stuff that would only have to be packed away into the shipment in a few weeks. But we will bring what they get down with them. I'm sure MIL will be a happy guinea pig for DD1's new magic set.

Actually, as the evening has gone by, I've got a lot more mellow about the whole thing. DH has got less grumpy and agrees it's all a nightmare, but that we'll have to make the best of it. I'll smile and grit my teeth and enjoy my chats with great-MIL and farmer-uncle (I do genuinely enjoy our chats - I love talking to people who are enthusiastic about their area of expertise, and he tells a great story!)

glad you are mellowing. i'd go along with the day when it fits in with you and the kids. if they are finding the games/regime too much/tiring or boring then i would ask to be excused and go back to MIL's house. Any objections from anyone to this would be dealt with firmly by my husband who would have been forewarned about his part to play before.

no presents christmas day from MIL - no problem, they get to play with mine. And i wouldn't rush over on christmas day morning. All these deadlines have been set by someone else, that doesn;'t mean you have to rigidly stick to them. Sorry i imagine all this has been pointed out already, have divided into bits of the thread.

have a lovely day.

All that would be going through my mind OP is 'one more year and breath and smile and repeat' and be thankful that the kids are so young.

Actually I think the 'no presents' thing is fine - just make sure they are out of sight. After all, the children will just have opened a huge pile of presents from Santa/their parents - take some of these along and let them play with them. They'll enjoy the MiL's presents just fine on Boxing Day.

As for the other stuff, firt in where you canand put your foot down when you can't. And keep chanting 'this is the last time we have to do this' cause you're emigrating in a few weeks.

Do you know Barbarian in a way I can see the potential good points of doing it that way. And had it been a case of "why don't I just give them one small thing on Christmas Day and we can do a big present opening on Boxing Day" or "what do you think of spacing the presents out a bit", combined with a day that was actually a little child friendly, I may actually have considered it possibly gone along with it relatively happily. It was the "this is how we are doing it, this is what is happening" attitude that really got my back up. I would still prefer to have Christmas Day as Christmas Day and not stretch it out, but a bit of consideration would have been nice.

And (I'm sitting up with DD1 who will not stay asleep - she has a chest infection, so I'm having a bit of time to overthink things) there has never been a second of "oh, Viola is away from her home/traditions/extended family, I wonder what we could do to help her enjoy Christmas" or even a second's consideration that I might miss my family at Christmas.

Yes, well she does sound like a controlling nightmare hard work, no arguments there. But you can't change her, and now you are emigrating you've no real need to (just don't come and stay with her if/when you do visit).