MIL (sorry another one) refusing to give presents on Christmas Day

[vvviola]

Relationship with MIL is slightly fraught - she's controlling and can't accept DH is an adult. DH has limited patience for her and I try my best but resent her trying to overrule me in my own home. Added complication: we are emigrating in January back to where I'm from.

DH was on the phone to her this morning. We drive 2 hours to her house after breakfast on Christmas morning. Kids get minimal time to play with their toys, although we do try to bring some.

MIL has now decided that she will not be giving her presents (which incidentally I had to buy on her behalf because I suggested that a shopping trolley was not an appropriate carry on bag for a 3 yo) until Boxing Day. She will not move on the issue. She will also not move on the structure of the day (arrive at hers, hang around for 2 hours, go to her sisters for dinner, return home at 3 "for a nap", go back to her sisters at 7 for "party games and dessert", none of which is suitable for 3yo and 7yo and is, frankly bedtime for them).

AIBU to think it's extremely unfair to expect 2 young children to drive for 2 hours on Christmas morning and then be told they won't get Christmas presents until the following day? Especially when the rest of the day is really not child friendly.

The whole thing makes me feel like they are an inconvenience to the way she wants her day, and makes me wonder why we go at all.

I mean, if it was your last Christmas with your grandchildren for a few years, wouldn't you want make as many lovely memories as you could??

I think it's a bit mean to expect young children to spend a good proportion of their Christmas Day sitting in a car, but for their a Granny to not give them their presents when they get to her house is extremely mean and controlling.

...and then all this too-ing and fro-ing yo aunty's house, and back to yours and back again is going to mean a miserable day, with no doubt the driver annoyed as they can't drink alcohol....

How many hours on the road in total?

Sod that, go for the "oh dear the kids are sick" option!!

Alternatively, let DH go and the rest of you stay at home in your pjs!

I really think you are bending over backwards to accommodate your MiL (and I am speaking as a MiL!). Christmas Day is not just for your MiL, it's for you and your family too.

Can you stay at home on Christmas Day and MiL comes over in the afternoon? Why can't she and FiL do the driving instead? It would be much easier for them than for you and your family. Regarding aunty, could she either come with them (and share the driving?) or else couldn't your MiL see aunty on another day? Christmas is not just one day.

Sounds awful.

Chottie it's a 2 hour drive which MIL is rarely keen to do at the best of times. It's just her and BIL and all her family live nearby including her Mum (who I adore). So in some ways I can see the point of going down there (and going on Christmas Day means retaining a little control over Christmas morning), but I just can't see why there can't be a bit of flexibility and understanding of the kids and trying to help them have a fun day too.

On the positive side I will get to have my annual conversation with DH's uncle about artificial insemination of cattle. He's a farmer and I don't think he can quite figure me out, so he reverts to his area of expertise. Was a bit disconcerting the first time, but I'm getting used to it (and I suspect he says the exact same about me in relation to my inane chatter about my Masters - he's a truly lovely man )

We had to do this 2 years ago, it was shit.
Ds (3) ratty (couldn't blame him)
oh not wanting to leave after lunch as its a long drive even though 3 year old was about to explode as he was being told off for just basically existing.

We aren't doing it this year.
But given you are emigrating I do think you have to go, if you could go later, or get the kids up early to play with their toys and hope they sleep in the car.
In hindsight I'd have pretended another day was Christmas but I don't think that would wash with a 7 year old!

Is the trip home for nap for mil's benefit or for the kids'? Mine wouldn't by that age. If only mil will nap, would it be any better if you and kids hung out at dh's aunts house (or went on an expedition to find some ducks to feed) during this?

Unless you've successfully kept your 3yo up late without difficulty, I wouldn't recommend it. We encounter massive meltdown if we try it. Some children when tired out at the end of an exciting day become little monsters who need to be put in bed right away for everyone's sake.

You do realize that she is pissed at you emigrating so no matter what you do it wont be right?

Oh no, that sounds awful - the to-ing and fro-ing, and the staying up past bedtime thing in particular. I'd definitely put my foot down about the latter.

Lots of luck if you do end up going .

Oh my days. That sounds awful. You have to eat, take a nap, then play games. And the presents get stretched out until the next day. Your MIL sounds so difficult. How on earth will you cope? got a grip yet OP?

Why not do presents today then?

And you're leaving the country so go with it then forget about it.

RomeoRodriguez have you ever tried to get a 2yo (whose bedtime is usually about 6:30) to play pencil and paper word games at 8pm?? (And incidentally, because it's kind of irrelevant to my issue - be unable to eat any of the desserts because of her allergies). That's what we had to do last year. It was not fun. I don't expect the whole day to revolve around kids. I do kind of expect some part of the day to be child friendly and relaxed - or at least have the option to retreat somewhere and have our own more child friendly evening.

The nap is "just the way it is done". Everyone is sent home to nap. Nobody returns before 7. I noticed last year that many of the cousins don't return after 3 - I guess they just have the rest of their Christmas in a more child friendly manner.

The nap is "just the way it is done". Everyone is sent home to nap. Nobody returns before 7. I noticed last year that many of the cousins don't return after 3 - I guess they just have the rest of their Christmas in a more child friendly manner

Can you go.home then?

Iggly, today is pretty much over here in NZ.

And we don't go down there until after Santa has been and we've had breakfast.

Sod it. As soon as DD1 has gone to sleep, I'm off to open a bottle of something. I'll worry about it tomorrow. And do lots of teeth gritting.

I have also just realised that tanukiton is probably right and that means the next 10 days are likely to follow a similar pattern of doing things her way and still not being able to win

It's a 2 hour drive Iggly and we're due to be staying with/near MIL for 10 days. Going home is unfortunately not an option.

Ah missed that bit! is it sunny and hot you lucky bastard

I feel your pain - we are going to our anakky retentive SIL for Xmas when I'd rather be at home in my PJs with the kids. But we will suck it up and celebrate properly later!

*anally not anakky it is early, far too early

I would go on Boxing Day.
Christmas Day sounds horrid.
What's the worst that can happen?
You're leaving soon anyway

My 2yo was a little more easy going than yours, probably to do with the fact that I did not get all rigid about one day!

I agree with others - either stay at home a bit longer before you go. Or take some of your own presents to open there. This makes the morning more bearable. Then just don't go back in the evening - put 3yo in the bath / to bed and DH can go alone if he wants to. Like pps said - she's going to be pissed off whatever happens you may as well make it suit you better.

Well done Romeo, what a balanced mix of rude and judgemental .

There really is no point in keeping young children up past their bedtime. And there shouldn't be any doubt about whose benefit it's usually done for.

Oh I am glad I got the balance right!

It sounds horrendous.
MIL is exerting control with every breath of her body and she is not going to let go without a huge struggle and will ruin everyone's Christmas in the process. She views Christmas as a way of exerting her authority and doesn't give a damn about anybody else.

So, the only thing you can do is to appear to go along with things. As there is nothing planned for the time between your arrival and dinner at aunt's, simply delay your arrival. This will give your children more time to actually enjoy themselves (NB: do not tell DH this until Christmas morning and then make sure he does not tell MIL until you've set off, at which time she gets a text to say you've been held up)

Bugger the "going for a nap". Take along an activity for the DC, a special DVD, go out for a walk etc. You cannot force other people to go for a nap (although there is nothing wrong with going for a nap yourself).

Can you get in touch with the cousins and arrange to spend time with them when they make their escape?

the evening sounds like it could be fun - but only if there are games suitable for all ages. So make sure there are by being prepared. Things like musical statues, the hokey cokey etc don't require any props and the adults might just enjoy reliving their childhood memories. If you can get the aunt/other relatives onside this will be easier.

The "no presents until a time of my choosing" is ridiculous. Totally mad and again is all about control. Feign utter indifference to this, as she is probably expecting a huge scene and will be disappointed when there is none. "As you wish" would be the perfect response (complete with knowing look) and will probably baffle her, unless she too is a fan of The Princess Bride.

I am trying to work up some compassion for MIL, but her control issues make her sound an unpleasant person who probably doesn't have any friends because of this.

YANBU
Personally, I would let dc open some of their presents in the morning, take a couple of the unwrapped gifts for the car journey and to play with at apparently not soDGMs and take the rest of their wrapped presents (from you and DH) to be opened in front of not soDGM. She may feel guilty when you casually say 'well I thought it would be nice for them to have some presents to open here, too'
As for the rest of the day thanking your lucky stars it will be the last time you have to do it enjoy as much as possible while gritting your teeth and plastering a holiday happy grin across your face
Good luck OP, I am sure one late night won't harm them