Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother leaving child on 24/25/26 to go to friends.

102 replies

Santas · 23/12/2014 23:01

Hi,
i have changed my name because this is a very delicate thing but i would like to know your point of view.
A friend of mine (man) and his wife are getting separated. She is leaving him because...well, it started saying that he does not earn enough for the life style she would like to have (she is an accountant in the city but he is not - despite he has a decent job, he earns less than her). Now, she says that they are different. Anyway... She has managed to save money in the last months (my friend has been paying the mortgage and the bills, while she was apparently saving for a deposit to buy a bigger house together - they live in a small flat at the moment). In august she decided to leave him, took her savings and she has now bought a house where she will probably move in the next two months. He was distroyed, as he tried to make her happy. And overall because they have a 20 months old daughter and he will miss her.
Anyway, the mother has now decided to spend christmas day with friends (Her family leaves abroad so she does not have family in the UK apart from the husband's family.) As she does not drive, she will go on the 24th evening and come back on 26th when the tube will work again.the little girl and the father will go to his parents as every year to celebrate with the family. My friend is upset that his exwife prefer to go to the friends and leave the young girl behind for few nights.
I am shocked she is leaving the daughter in this way. AIBU?

OP posts:
AngieBolen · 24/12/2014 07:38

So a mother lets the father have their child over Christmas and this is the wrong thing? Men have dressed as superheroes and climbed up buildings for this, but you're still not happy.
This woman left her husband because she didn't want to be with him, not because he didn't earn enough!!!! Why on earth would she want to spend the night anywhere near him???

I think she's being beyond reasonable.

mutternutter · 24/12/2014 07:41

Odfod

CalleighDoodle · 24/12/2014 07:42

The child is with a parent at christmas. The mother is doing nothing wrong. It sounds like you are either the father after support, or the OW (or intend to be) who is not happy about losing your planned xmas with the father as he will now have his daughter. Either that or you really are just a friend of the father and he is unhappy about having his child for a couple of days. In which case, not quite the stand up guy you think he is after all.

aquashiv · 24/12/2014 07:44

What a misleading thread title. Of course the child is fine with her father. Support your friend but stirring won't help.

Marylou2 · 24/12/2014 07:47

The little girl and her father are the lucky ones.They are together at Christmas.The "mum" sounds ghastly.

ApocalypseThen · 24/12/2014 08:15

If the mum sounds ghastly, consider the source of the information.

duchesse · 24/12/2014 08:17

OP, NOYFB. The baby will be fine. That is all that matters.

maddening · 24/12/2014 08:21

A she is being reasonable - it is normal to alternate Christmas and everyone can relax without an atmosphere

B their separation likely runs deeper than his lack of earning potential

steppeupunderthemisletoe · 24/12/2014 08:23

op - your thread really reads like one half of a story. You have to understand that there is another side, you are only hearing her side through your friend.

You job here is to be a good friend, which means to listen sympathetically, to support your friend in his parenting and to gently encourage him to maintain a good relationship with ex for the sake of their child.

It is perfectly normal for separated parents to take turns with kids over holidays. And the fact she is going away this year probably reflects her need to make a clear and definite break with him for whatever reason.

Bowchickawowow · 24/12/2014 09:26

I was talking to a friend once about a mutual friends new boyfriend and commented that his ex-wife seemed to be causing them problems. My friend said "no-one has a nice ex-wife though, do they?" As a pp said, consider the source of this information. The husband could be a complete arsehole. Or they might both be nice people in a difficult relationship.

canweseethebunnies · 24/12/2014 10:00

YABU. My dd alternates Christmas. She was around two when she spent her first Christmas without me, and I don't think it's scared her for life.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 24/12/2014 15:27

The little girl and her father are the lucky ones.They are together at Christmas.The "mum" sounds ghastly

Yep really really ghastly. What a dread full thing to do facilitate a decent contact period with the other parent over the main festive period. What a cunt she needs to be strung up. I bet she drowns kittens as well and I wouldn't be surprised if she's responsible for the lack of snow this year

1981 · 24/12/2014 18:34

She is leaving him because...well, it started saying that he does not earn enough for the life style she would like to have (she is an accountant in the city but he is not - despite he has a decent job, he earns less than her). Now, she says that they are different.

You are hearing 1 side of this story. Support your male friend, but have you considered that her side of the story is "my husband is feckless with money and relies on me to keep bailing him out?" or "my husband talks talks talks about career plans and strings me along with tales of gardens for our little one, but only works 16 hours a week in a dead end job he says he hates but really is cruising in"?

Your version of the story is at one extreme.. my words above are at the other end.. the truth's somewhere in the middle probably.

You do NOT know this relationship. You only know what you've been told.

overall because they have a 20 months old daughter and he will miss her.

Well, obviously Hmm Any relationship breakdown is upsetting.

Anyway, the mother has now decided to spend christmas day with friends

Well, yes, since they're separated, do you not think it would be strange and confusing for everyone if they spent Christmas together as if all were as usual? Hmm

the little girl and the father will go to his parents as every year to celebrate with the family.

Excellent, little one gets to see her dad and grandparents - what's bad about that?

My friend is upset that his exwife prefer to go to the friends and leave the young girl behind for few nights.

Er, they're separated.
The little one's mother has agreed with the dad to let the little girl stay with him and visit nana/grand papa. What's bad about that?

Is it that you disapprove of her not playing wife to your male friend? Do you not think that would be confusing (not least to the little one!) and .. well... strange?

I am shocked she is leaving the daughter in this way. AIBU?

Yes. VERY. None of your business. And the snippets of info you have are a one-sided story.

Tell me, is it this woman specifically that you disapprove of, or do you think all separated parents (or even divorced onces) should put on a lie at Christmas and play happy families, even if that ultimately confuses the children?

Shonajay · 24/12/2014 19:24

Do you think she's spending the break with a guy she's met and that's thenrea reason for the Split? Either way, they'll be taking turns, the daughter won't know either way, and you do sound emotionally invested a bit too much IMO?

ApocalypseThen · 24/12/2014 19:24

My friend is upset that his exwife prefer to go to the friends and leave the young girl behind for few nights.

Isn't he keen to spend this Christmas with his daughter? Would he prefer not to see her?

Andrewofgg · 24/12/2014 19:48

YABU. And MYOB. Keep your opinions to yourself and to MN.

SoggyOldBiscuit · 24/12/2014 20:05

If what you've said is true, it sound like she is seeing someone else and that is the 'friend' she is choosing to spend Christmas with.

I also think if you had posted the same scenario about a man who had left his wife and was happy to spend Christmas away from his young child, the responses would have been very different.

kinkyfuckery · 24/12/2014 20:10

New boyfriend OP?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 24/12/2014 20:48

Rubbish soggy

The answers would be exactly the same,he would be told its fairly normal to split celebrations

ghostyslovesheep · 24/12/2014 20:53

eh surely given that it IS the 24th she's already left - so your 'feelings' about it are irrelevant

it's none of your business

she is with her dad

stop sticking your nose in

cheers Wine

clicketyclick66 · 25/12/2014 17:14

I'm working 24/25/26 Dec, am I a bad mother?
Also, I went away for 7 days a few years ago. Before I went, I kept getting asked who was going to mind my children while I was away - despite the fact I'm married!!!!! These people got told that nothing was any different to the way things normally are, my children would be minded by one parent during that week rather than both.
Of course I felt like asking them why they believed only a woman could look after children Hmm

Branleuse · 25/12/2014 17:24

why is he telling you all this?!?

He totally is trying to get into your knickers

fedupbutfine · 25/12/2014 17:40

my children are with dad - and have been since Monday. I don't like it - I would prefer they are with me, but this is what separation and divorce means so I can either cry about it and make myself miserable or I can suck it up and get on with it (and have a little fun with friends and family). It's not nice to think that people are out there discussing my business and wondering why I'm not weeping and wailing?

TheWordFactory · 25/12/2014 18:05

The woman intends to separate. Why on earth would she play happy families over the Xmas period?

She could have taken her DD with her, would the father have preferred that ?

LuluJakey1 · 25/12/2014 18:08

Can't see the problem with what she has done.