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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother leaving child on 24/25/26 to go to friends.

102 replies

Santas · 23/12/2014 23:01

Hi,
i have changed my name because this is a very delicate thing but i would like to know your point of view.
A friend of mine (man) and his wife are getting separated. She is leaving him because...well, it started saying that he does not earn enough for the life style she would like to have (she is an accountant in the city but he is not - despite he has a decent job, he earns less than her). Now, she says that they are different. Anyway... She has managed to save money in the last months (my friend has been paying the mortgage and the bills, while she was apparently saving for a deposit to buy a bigger house together - they live in a small flat at the moment). In august she decided to leave him, took her savings and she has now bought a house where she will probably move in the next two months. He was distroyed, as he tried to make her happy. And overall because they have a 20 months old daughter and he will miss her.
Anyway, the mother has now decided to spend christmas day with friends (Her family leaves abroad so she does not have family in the UK apart from the husband's family.) As she does not drive, she will go on the 24th evening and come back on 26th when the tube will work again.the little girl and the father will go to his parents as every year to celebrate with the family. My friend is upset that his exwife prefer to go to the friends and leave the young girl behind for few nights.
I am shocked she is leaving the daughter in this way. AIBU?

OP posts:
Starlightbright1 · 23/12/2014 23:43

To be fair where you are pretneding to be someone else youcandoit simply guessed who you were.. As you were so involved.

If you want advise you may of got a more senstive hearing if you had been honest about why you are finding it hard

BertieBotts · 23/12/2014 23:44

She is being very reasonable. I used to spend one Christmas with my Dad and one with my Mum, it was great. Spending the night of Christmas with both of them would have been confusing and unsettling. As it was we were used to having two Christmases and got to experience different traditions and it was a good thing.

EatShitDerek · 23/12/2014 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouCanDoItNow · 23/12/2014 23:45

Santa, would the father allow the mother to have the child? He doesn't sound like a particularly decent character, the way he has demonised her to you. I've yet to hear of a woman who left a good man because he earned slightly less than she did herself.

Finola1step · 23/12/2014 23:54

Unless you are one of the parents, you don't need to convince yourself of anything.

The relationship is over. Doesn't matter if they are currently living under the same roof. Many, if not most, couples in the midst of a break up would be very reluctant to spend the whole of the Christmas period together.

I do wonder if Santas suspects that the mum is actually off to see someone who is more than a friend. That perhaps the real reason for the end of the relationship is this "friend".

Laquitar · 23/12/2014 23:56

The baby's needs are covered. She will be with dad and grandparents.

The dad's needs perhaps not covered. He wanted his ex to be there. He also wonders if she has a new partner. So he is using the baby and emotional blackmail/guilt. Am i right?
This is my pet hate.
Why are you so involved OP?

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 23/12/2014 23:59

The child wont have a clue what date it is. It would be just the same as her mum being away for 3 days im august as far as child is concerned.

NetworkGuy · 24/12/2014 00:02

Crikey - give Santas a break. I don't know if this is one of the parents, or just a concerned friend who finds it strange. Yes, if a friend, it's not necessarily any of their business (though equally, if one of the parents, perhaps the father has asked a view, then can understand why it might be considered worth asking).

OK, so even if the father is upset, and ask so many say, doesn't need his nose rubbed in it (over the fact their marriage is probably over), it would not be unreasonable for Santas to 'agree' with him that it is sad mother considers friends over and above her daughter for Christmas and Boxing days, but as much as it's probably none of Santas' business, who are we to tell them off?

Have a great Christmas everyone. Shame that the father and mother are likely to go their own separate ways, but outside our control... and if one is unhappy with situation, then, what's the point... (know many older parents would stick together 'for the children' and get miserable and have lots of negativity as a result, so it's perhaps good it is different now).

inthename · 24/12/2014 00:06

very confused as to what you need to convince yourself of. It sounds like his ex is being very sensible and preparing the baby in as normal a way possible for when they will be doing this sort of contact arrangement as a normal thing. Perhaps she was hoping to have her moving arrangements finalised by now, its irrelevant that they are still in the same flat. I've been divorced 11 yrs, ds was around that age, we split in the November and theres no way on earth I would have been playing happy families just because it was Christmas but ds still went to ex for Christmas. So, if she told your friend her intentions in August he more than likely knew that this was going to be their arrangements (very confused by your interest in this, surely you'd be pleased that your friend was having quality time with his baby rather than his ex making up 101 excuses why he couldn't see his baby over Christmas)

NeedsAsockamnesty · 24/12/2014 00:39

OK, so even if the father is upset, and ask so many say, doesn't need his nose rubbed in it (over the fact their marriage is probably over), it would not be unreasonable for Santas to 'agree' with him that it is sad mother considers friends over and above her daughter for Christmas and Boxing days, but as much as it's probably none of Santas' business, who are we to tell them off?

That is a load of bollocks. The mother has been generous enough to vacate her home over the Christmas period to make sure the other parent and his family have a family Christmas with their child. That is putting the well being of the child where it should be. She could be one of those parents who demands Christmas so the other parent does not get a look in. So what if she's going to friends would it be better if she stayed in the shed instead?

Laquitar · 24/12/2014 02:37

The mother is from abroad. Not everybody lives for Christmas day and does family Christmas. In some countries (Christian countries) coffee shops and bars are open and full of people who dont spend all day with family,

IloveOreossx · 24/12/2014 02:47

Why the hell do you need to convince yourself its ok or normal? Ireally dont see why you give a shit

Gawjushun · 24/12/2014 05:47

Just speculation here, but if this guy is a potential date then you should take what he says about ex with a pinch of salt. You should also know I've had friends who have been caught out by the 'I live with my ex but it's over' line. It's the oldest one in the book.

If it's genuinely a friends situation then I apologise.

ihatethecold · 24/12/2014 06:46

Good point gawjushun.

Iggly · 24/12/2014 06:48

Well the child is with a loving parent. This is good right?

Happy families are no more so they make the best they can.

insancerre · 24/12/2014 06:55

And you care because?

louisejxxx · 24/12/2014 07:00

YABU, however if I was him I'd be eccstatic that I got to have dd for Xmas. The mother sounds a bit frivolous (from the limited details) but he will look silly if he tries to make her see why she should be wanting her daughter at Xmas.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 24/12/2014 07:03

Good grief. Really? 'Dad takes toddler to grandparents for Christmas'. Call the Daily Fail.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 24/12/2014 07:07

When my parents separated I spent xmas with one or the other. It's life I'm afraid

Vivacia · 24/12/2014 07:08

I thought TheNew posted the most horrible thing on this thread!

ihatethecold · 24/12/2014 07:12

I think it was tongue in cheek vivacia.

paperlace · 24/12/2014 07:14

Vivacia - blimey me too. I don't think it was tongue in cheek but you've given her an out by posting that ihatethecold! Xmas Wink Xmas Grin

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 24/12/2014 07:15

Blimey. She's a baby for one thing, she won't understand about Christmas for a year at least, and she's with her dad and grandparents. What is the woman supposed to do? Go to his parents with him? Eek. She's being sensible and setting up a system of alternate Christmases I assume, and she's picked this one to spend away as the baby is so young. I'd have done exactly the same.

Vivacia · 24/12/2014 07:24

Blush Oh thank goodness for that ihatethecold

KatieKaye · 24/12/2014 07:34

I don't get what the issue is or even why you think it is an issue in the first place.

They are separated. The child is going to have Christmas with her father and his parents. Just like many children do.

TBH it sounds like the issue here is that the guy is having problems moving on and doesn't want to accept his marriage is over. Which is understandable, but there is a big difference between being a sympathetic friend and getting over involved to the extent of thinking it is unreasonable for the woman to make an arrangement where her child is assured of a lovely day without any underlying tensions between her parents.