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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that we haven't been given presents in return?

82 replies

LeFrenchDilemma · 23/12/2014 15:46

Dropped Christmas presents off at SILs today. Bought for her, her boyfriend, her ex husband (who this time last year was still with her so is still involved in family), her 3 kids (our niece/nephews) and the baby she is 5 months pregnant with.

We won't be seeing her again before Christmas and the only thing we got in return was a Christmas card. Nothing was mentioned about presents. She has plenty of money, in fact they just sold their home for a whacking profit. And I noticed she has bought for her new boyfriends nieces and nephews.

We still don't have Christmas presents from last year - apparently they were in her shed and she 'just needed to dig them out' - considering she's cleared out the shed since then for a house move I'm guessing the presents 'got lost'. BIL and his kids managed to get presents from her though and she had the nerve to complain the gifts she got from him return only cost a couple of quid despite the fact he'd just lost his job.

I know you don't give you receive, and I'm not fussed about getting a present myself, neither is DH, however our DD has gone another year without a gift from her aunty. her children are 2, 10 and 13 and we have bought decent gifts every year since they were born. My DD is almost 2 and whilst she won't know any different it still irks me to think she's thought so little of.

AIBU to be pissed off that our DD has missed out on yet another Christmas gift and we have just got a card?

OP posts:
ihatethecold · 24/12/2014 10:24

FFS since when did a baby die because someone bought it a present before it was born.
What a load of old guilt inducing shite.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 24/12/2014 10:39

I don't think it's odd buying for her ex, they only split up in May

I do think it's odd buying a Christmas present for an unborn baby

AIBU to be pissed off that our DD has missed out on yet another Christmas gift and we have just got a card?

Yes, very much so. DD missed out on yet another gift! That's ridiculous.

And to say that your DD is 'thought so little of' purely because she hasn't received a gift is also OTT.

You don't give to receive and all that? If it bothers you that much then stop buying for them.

Some children have nothing and get nothing.

Stop sweating over something so inconsequential and enjoy Christmas with your family and perhaps reflect on how lucky you are compared with many in the world.

I didn't mean for that to turn into a lecture but I think it's easy to become wrapped up in the mass commercialism, when it really isn't that important in the scheme of things.

BarbarianMum · 24/12/2014 10:45

Stop buying for them. All of them. You are being a mug and your SiL is rude (unless she has previously made clear she doesn't want to exchange gifts).

ToomanyChristmasPresents · 24/12/2014 10:52

Just buy for the little ones. Ignore the adults!

GokTwo · 24/12/2014 10:56

It is a bit of a nightmare, the gift giving at Christmas isn't it? should I shouldn't I? You don't want to miss someone out and upset them but equally you don't want to embarrass people by giving gifts if they're not giving them. In this case though either have a chat about it or just don't buy for them next year and don't worry about it!

idiuntno57 · 24/12/2014 11:01

I have spent years politely suggesting to SIL that she doesn't buy DH and me stuff. We can't really afford it but more than that it leads to pointless tit for tat present giving. She's ignored it so I now make things. Takes ages and but at least it is a gift that represents effort on my part,

Anyway my point is you need to ask her if she want's to continue doing this.

FlowerFairy2014 · 24/12/2014 11:51

A pregnancy is a hope not an expectation. It is why we do not do thing like babyshowers in the UK.

Also can't people reach agreement on these things? We decided no presents for anyone over 18 in the extended family. That worked out really well.

Zucker · 24/12/2014 11:56

I checked in October with SIL if it was wierd to buy him a gift and she said go for it as will cheer him up, everyone else in family is. he bought for DD this year too so would have felt mean if if left him out.

Like some others said just buy for the kids next year, token presents or a game between them, I would scale it right back.

BUT you were contemplating not buying her ex anything even though he did get your child a present!

DixieNormas · 24/12/2014 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jill2015 · 24/12/2014 14:20

I'd scale back, from here on, as others have suggested. Possibly continue to buy for the children, and leave it at that.

DeWee · 24/12/2014 14:36

I would say something along the lines of "I assume you want to stop doing presents as you haven't done them for two years now."

I did that with bil, who had received presents for 3 years before he told dh that he had "decided he wasn't giving his siblings birthday presents any more". He actually said this as he accepted the birthday present. We also had a demand for money from his wife (as did the other siblings) 2 years later for 50 so she could buy him an "experience" for his 30th birthday. And, no, they hadn't got a present for the older siblings 30th either.

So last year when he failed to give my ds a 6th birthday present, as he had every year since birth, and his record for the girls was less than 50/50, I decided I wouldn't buy for his either. Funnily enough this year ds received his first birthday present from him and the girls both got one too.
Actually in some ways I feel more irritated by that, because it shows he can remember if he thinks he gets something out of it.

paperlace · 24/12/2014 14:43

I wouldn't send her a text (certainly not the one DeWee suggests! You'll look like a right mardy loon).

I'd make a note to self and next year just buy for the kids or send a text in November saying 'shall we say just buy for the kids'?

Re present for a gestating baby, I wouldn't/don't/haven't but I don't think it's weird that you have, you were just trying to be nice.

NickerPicker · 24/12/2014 14:58

She sounds typical of the sort of person who has an affair, she doesn't buy gifts, complains about others gifts to her as she is a selfish bitch who likes to hurt people. I bet she kept the other families gifts on the side for you to see, to stick the knife in too.

Don't buy anything anymore and don't have much to do with her, she is toxic.

PhaedraIsMyName · 24/12/2014 15:02

Clearly they are not interested in this (mad) tit for tat present giving. I have sympathy with them. Why don't you just stop.

And I think it is extremely odd to give a gift for an unborn baby.

thisismypassword · 24/12/2014 15:18

You should embarrass her and say something like, 'Don't worry about presents next year either, I assume you're not doing that well at the moment with a house move and 4th baby on the way.'

Iggi999 · 25/12/2014 00:50

Flowerfairy - all of life is surely a hope, not an expectation. I hope to see in the New Year, but there are no guarantees for any of us.
So.... does that mean I don't have to buy anyone presents, ever? In case they die.

Birdsgottafly · 25/12/2014 01:36

I don't do tit for tat present buying.

My ex SIL bought for me for six years, I had made it clear from day one that I don't do gifts.

I wasn't being forced into present buying, I give people time and any help they need, all year round.

Planning your income so that you can buy people, even children doesn't "show how they are thought of".

I'm in my late 40's, the ruthless advertising and the pressure to buy gifts, or you aren't having a good Christmas, that has built up over the last decade, isn't doing anyone any favours, even if you have money.

I personally, wouldn't be cheered up by a gift, as the ex is, allegedly, I'd like the odd phone call, or invite out for a drink/meal etc.

I have a new Granddaughter that I haven't bought a present, specifically for Christmas, she will receive nothing later today, except smiles, cuddles and love.

Don't buy next year, respect anyone who doesn't want to do cards, or presents.

Commercial trappings are meaningless.

ProcrastinaRemNunc · 25/12/2014 01:42

Stuff the 'what we buy them v what they don't buy us' point of contention. What I'd find upsetting, on behalf of my DC, is this:
And I noticed she has bought for her new boyfriends nieces and nephews.

I have no family but if I did, I'd expect all nieces and nephews to be treated relatively equally and I would treat them equally. I cannot imagine buying gifts for some yet not for others!

Violetta999 · 25/12/2014 02:00

Lost them in the shed is a huge hint. You should have taken the hint! Buy something small only next year and kids only. So a book from the works etc

AndSoItBegan · 25/12/2014 02:33

I think it was a bit odd of you to have bought pressies for them for this year if you were going to be put out if they didn't buy for you. Confused

Wouldnt it have been simpler to have asked you SIL what she wanted to do about presents. You would have saved yourself from feeling upset.

I don't like getting presents for too many people even though I can afford it - it's got nothing to do with money.

daisychain01 · 25/12/2014 06:19

Maybe over investing in all this Christmas malarkey? I mean, buying a gift for someone's ex and current DP Hmm

Next year just send them all a card. Sorted.

SavoyCabbage · 25/12/2014 07:05

I think she wants you to stop.

ApocalypseThen · 25/12/2014 07:29

It certainly doesn't sound like your sister in law wants to continue exchanging gifts at Christmas. Personally though, I wouldn't get involved in texting or finding out why or what's going on, leave that to your husband. If he wants to continue gifts with his sister's family, let him sort it out and let it go.

Just as an aside, I'm now 16 weeks pregnant and still a bit tired. I did find the present shopping hard going this year. It sounds as if your sister in law has had a lot over the last 12 months - if they separated in May probably it wasn't all kisses and roses last Christmas so is there any chance these two years have just been exceptionally tough?

ihatethecold · 26/12/2014 08:39

birdsgottafly

You sound fun tight

TooHasty · 26/12/2014 11:25

We still don't have Christmas presents from last year
That is the signal that she doesn't want to exchange presents at xmas with you any more!
She might be well off, she might not-you can't no for sure.She might just think that the present buying and giving has got out of hand , and is trying to cut back on the time and effort involved with it all.

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