AIBU to be upset with Bil and Sil over Christmas Day visiting.

[lk26]

On Xmas Eve we are travelling with our young daughter to spend christmas with the in laws who all live 150 miles away. We will be staying at Pil and my Bil and Sil live in next village 2 miles away.
After a phone call today it now transpires we shan't be seeing our Bil and Sil and niece and nephew at all during our visit. Xmas day is apparently reserved solely for Sil family and we are not to visit. !
Am quite upset as our daughter won't see her cousins at Xmas despite being just 2 miles away. We won't see our niece and nephew at Xmas either.
For 2 yrs out of the last 5 I have done a huge family Xmas for all my in laws. Hosted for 3 days. Given up my bed. Catered for extensive food allergies and run myself ragged to make them all have a special Xmas and now they can't find time to see us Xmas day ! Grrrrr

Can you see them on Christmas Eve?

Or leave later on Boxing Day? 150 miles isn't that far for you to travel home, so you could travel back in the afternoon instead of the morning.

There has to be some compromise here - SIL wants the day with her family, and then probably wants to collapse in a heap on the sofa when they go. That's fair enough. it's not fair if you can't go over at any point during your visit though.

We have to get back at a reasonable time on Boxing Day as we have much older teenage children to see so need to set off in good time.
In the words of Frozen am just going to let it go !!!

YANBU but honestly you need to put them out of your mind and enjoy the Christmas you are going to have, not the one you'd hoped to have. Continue being welcoming and catering to them if you want to encourage the friendship between the young cousins. Accept them for exactly what they are - obviously they don't value hospitality and good manners in the same way you do.

Then after Christmas meet up with your friends and slate them viciously over lots of wine.

That's how I cope with my SIL and PIL. Once I stopped hoping we could be closer and they would perhaps treat me as one of the family - they are v close and v insular and prefer to see my DP and DD without me although they would never openly say this - I actually find them much less annoying. It is what it is. Any stress over this is an honest waste of time.

Oh I see...so your schedule is all important, but sil's is trivial rubbish designed to exclude you.
Righto then.

No ones schedule is more important.
If they said come at 6 am Boxing Day we would be there. But I think it wouldn't go down well with our other children if we delayed our return so we can wait about to get the nod that we can visit Bil and Sil.

So you could go on Boxing Day for a couple of hours, but you want to go on Christmas Day?

If you left at 2 you'd be home by 5, which gives you plenty of time to see SIL in the morning and your children all evening.

But that would involve a compromise.

I don't think it is reasonable to say this day or not at all when you are there for three days. She is as entitled to her plans as you are to yours.

We have to leave to get back to do lunch for our other children. The roads we travel on are slow as we are remote so can take up to 3 hrs to get home.

Why aren't all the children going to ils for Christmas?

They are stepchildren and are with their mother as per arrangements for this year.
Of course they can make their own lunch but this is a nice lunch in lieu of Xmas dinner which they had at their mothers.

Oh fgs, why is everyone determined to give the OP a hard time over this? I'd be mildly pissed off too, actually. And what's with the interrogation over the older kids?

Jeez!

Or see their grandparents. They will see their sibling on boxing day.

The older step children have a set in stone christmas rota and this year it's at their mothers.

I think 'let it go' sounds like a great change of tone from earlier OP :)

It does sound that all though you love hosting, you have been having to cater mainly for your in-laws needs.

I don't think anyone has given the OP a very hard time here. It would be easy to just say 'oh YANBU - the SIL is being a bastard considering all the hosting you've provided her over the years' .... but it all runs a bit deeper than that it seems.

You're sounding more chilled OP.

Hell, I'd be grumping too op.
Just popping over half an hour does not sound like too much of an ask.
Has she got a little house? Is that an issue?
Whatever though, she sounds like she is being bloody awkward on purpose.

"I think op is getting a hard time because she sounds grumpy, resentful, negative and inflexible, and doesn't seem to want to do anything to ameliorate the "problem" beyond be in a huff about it."

It's called "venting" and is what AIBU is all about.

"other dc who will also not see their cousins or their sibling over Christmas, but apparently that's not a problem."

If they're her step-children, then it's not really her problem to sort, as presumably her dh and his ex will have sorted out that one. And actually, she does want her dd to see her siblings asap on Boxing Day, hence leaving the ILs early to facilitate it.

If someone travels 5 mins or 1500 miles to see me and my family they all get a welcome and tea and cake on anytime of the year

Really? So if your neighbour turns up on your doorstep at 3 a.m. they get a welcome, tea and cake? Or if they turn up when you have just had a hard day entertaining other people and they could just as easily have prearranged to see you the day before or the day after?

Yes keep it all even to keep all sides happy by all means but to exclude some family members who have travelled a long way to see your children is just plain rude.

But you aren't travelling all that way to see to see their children, are you? You're travelling to see your PILs, who just happen to live nearby so that it's convenient for you to see SIL and BIL as well. Not the same thing at all.

The DSC definitely make it different.
Could you suggest a brunch on Boxing Day, and have the car all packed up and ready to go?

Am fed up of my OH family coming first over mine and so is SIL. She wants to have a Christmas with her family.
It won't be a "just pop in and hand over presents" will it? If you can't do that before leaving on Boxing day or just after arriving on Christmas eve.

I wouldn't want my IL coming in that situation because they like to dominate over my family. They're much louder and determined that they will direct the conversation.

And I doubt your niece and nephew or dd will feel that put out, if you don't tell them they should. My only cousins for ages were army children and we could go a couple of years at times without them being in the same country. Didn't effect our relationships. My other cousins would often have left (lived 200-300 miles away) visiting our mutual grandparents the day before we arrived back from the other set of grandparents at Christmas. Despite that I would have said we were very close.

Just pop round after 4pm and say; "oh I thought you wouldn't mind the kids wishing each other a happy Xmas for five minutes whilst I brought their presents round". What is the worse she could do? Slam the door in your face? If she gripes about it afterwards, you know where you stand and don't make a point of inviting them to yours anymore.