AIBU to be upset with Bil and Sil over Christmas Day visiting.

[lk26]

On Xmas Eve we are travelling with our young daughter to spend christmas with the in laws who all live 150 miles away. We will be staying at Pil and my Bil and Sil live in next village 2 miles away.
After a phone call today it now transpires we shan't be seeing our Bil and Sil and niece and nephew at all during our visit. Xmas day is apparently reserved solely for Sil family and we are not to visit. !
Am quite upset as our daughter won't see her cousins at Xmas despite being just 2 miles away. We won't see our niece and nephew at Xmas either.
For 2 yrs out of the last 5 I have done a huge family Xmas for all my in laws. Hosted for 3 days. Given up my bed. Catered for extensive food allergies and run myself ragged to make them all have a special Xmas and now they can't find time to see us Xmas day ! Grrrrr

I would just turn up on boxing day morning, to drop off the presents and say hello. I would be deliberately obtuse about them not having time, and assuming that meant they didn't have time to have a proper evening/day/visit together, but popping in for 10 mins to exchange presents was ok.

YANBU! If someone is travelling 150 miles you suck it up and have them in for a cup of tea at Christmas FGS!

Getting madder and madder as the day goes on which is not good.
Am fed up of my OH family coming first over mine. Next year I am going to bugger of to my family and the blinking Walton's can get on with it on their own !
Being the stubborn trout that I am I will not pop uneven in Boxing Day. I will FaceTime my niece and nephew and tell them their presents are at grandmas ??

Fluffy - I say they give them a good time to come on Xmas Eve or Boxing Day.

Dammit

I was going to say YABU and now I've ready your update I can't

If her parents leave at 4ish I don't see why you couldn't pop in for a cup of tea

STOP IT. RIGHT NOW JUST STOP!

Getting madder and madder as the day goes on

You are right that isn't good. Stop doing it to yourself. Your SIL/BIL have every right to see the other side of the family. They aren't choosing your Boxing Day leaving time. It is just unfortunate that your timetables don't match up this year.

STOP winding yourself up about it. They aren't doing anything TO YOU, they are just organising THEIR FAMILY Christmas and it doesn't happen to work for you.

DO NOT make any snide comments to your DNs... you will only feel bad. Plaster a smile on until it feels natural.

STOP DOING THIS TO YOURSELF

Now, blood pressure down a little? Have a and relax

Why do you have to neglect your own family OP? Genuine Q. Does your DH pressure you to do the big xmas for his family? Why are you not hosting for your own too?

Maybe SIL is simply doing what you said earlier and buggering off to her own family and leaving the Walton's to get on with it? Maybe she feels pressured too?

Just trying to see clearly here. There must be an actual reason why she is withdrawing a bit this year.

yabu. perhaps they want some peace and quiet after they have been hosting. they are grown ups who get to choose how they spend christmas. they have spent it with your inlaws for a couple fo years now sil wants to spend it with her family. tis only fair. they are not obliged to see you however far you have travelled.

My family live much further away so do much less with them.
If someone travels 5 mins or 1500 miles to see me and my family they all get a welcome and tea and cake on anytime of the year.
I will suck it up but grrrr

I really don't think you should just turn up.

There could be all kinds of reasons why SIl wants a quiet Christmas this year, reasons that are nothing to do with you and your previous hosting.

I think YABU re SIL as they have a right to a quiey Christmas.

However, YANBU that you shouldn't have every Christmas revolving around DH family. Definitely insist you either have a lovely quiet Christmas with just you next year or that you invite just your parents, or you visit your parents.

Not everyone is like that though OP, and nor do they have to be.
We're having our first Christmas in our own home for years this year, and boy oh boy am I happy about it!
That's not to say I have anything against my in laws who we normally spend Christmas with, just that doing our own thing in our own home for once will make a lovely, relaxing change.
If she's normally accommodating and friendly to you, I think you would be silly to take it personally and get angry.

Like Nomama says...they will not be doing this TO YOU.

It is not your turn to get Xmas day with those relatives, they have other relatives who have missed out on seeing them on Xmas day in the past whilst they have been with you!

Perhaps sil is also fed up at her dh's family taking precedence and that's why she's put her foot down this year.

That's what I reckon.

Nomama has is spot on.

And not even necessarily in a aggro way either.
It's ok to suit yourself sometimes, you know?

Typed this out four times now! Trying to get the words right.

Only do great big efforts (like massive xmas hosting) up to the point where you are still truly deriving enough pleasure from it yourself to be happy to do it, and not mind weather it gets reciprocated or not. Otherwise madness lies! Not everyone is a good, willing or happy host.

It sounds as if you are resentful about the mismatch of time spent on/with your family and DHs. This seems to be the real issue at the heart of it. This bit isn't your SILs fault.

The in laws live in each other's pockets and that's the way they all like it. My Pil do a huge of amount of their child care including taking the children on numerous holidays etc.
I think it's unreasonable to exclude any side of the family particularly at christmas.
Yes keep it all even to keep all sides happy by all means but to exclude some family members who have travelled a long way to see your children is just plain rude.

I love hosting and don't resent it at all. And goodness I have done enough of it.
Am not even wanting a drink if that's too much effort just unfair to go all that way and my daughter to not see her cousins !

No see...you're posting as if you have rights here. You don't.

Oh dear! So you are determined to be pissed off then?

I am so sorry that this has happened and hurt you so much. I suspect your SIL/BIL would be too - once they had got over the insult you are slinging at them - that they are deliberately excluding you.

But YAB VV U they are having their Christmas and it just doesn't coincide with what you want. They have no need to feel bad, apologise or rearrange as they have done nothing to piss you off.

That bit you are doing to yourself... and to be absolutely honest, you had my support earlier, I felt you were entitled to feel Td off, a little bit. But you seem to be enjoying making a meal of it now. VVU, and probably unfair to be thinking/typing that you are being deliberately excluded - after having gone to such efforts, driving, hosting etc.

Stop ruining your own Christmas before it leaks out to your DH and kids. Or would you relish tarnishing their holiday too?

No, I didn't think so

I don't claim to have any rights. Her kids her rules etc

OP you seriously don't think SIL has the right to a quiet family Christmas? To see who she wants to see?

It sounds like you have some serious boundary issues.

It won't ruin my christmas and I am certainly not an entitled person. People absolutely are entitled to spend Xmas with whom and where they want.
If it's there choice to not see us then so be it.