to feel that I can't bear to stay, but can't bear to leave because it would hurt our DS?

[NeutronBombe]

My partner and I haven't exchanged a kind word in a year. We don't sleep together any more, we don't socialise together unless we have to. At this point we are just enemies who have a kid together.

My partner is bitterly jealous of anyone I or our DS become friendly with, and although there's no violence within our family, we are subject to emotional abuse, withholding affection, horrible accusations and verbal bullying unless everything goes the right way.

Once, in front of our DS who was five at the time and old enough to understand, I was threatened with murder. Not just "I could murder you" in a joking way, in case that's what you're thinking. More like "If I could get away with it I'd stab you to death". That's just one example.

When things go wrong we get days of abuse, but when I say that this behaviour is abusive and unacceptable, I just get told "You need to forgive and forget", and "you make too much of these things" and "it was just that one time".

We get bullied like this: if I do something which upsets my partner, then DS can't go somewhere or do something he really wants, because that's the best way to hurt both of us.

I have no social life and few friends because my partner gets so upset if I'm out in the evenings. On the rare occasions I do go out (work Xmas party which I was really obliged to go to) I am bombarded by text messages asking when I'll be home.

But all of that I'm used to. I'm resigned to it. I love my son and I was resigned to the idea that I, personally, wouldn't have a happy life for the next ten years or so (until he goes to university).

But I came here to tell you about an incident that has made me reconsider staying together for the sake of our child.

Our son has a best friend, we'll call her Kate, but he can only see her in school because my partner has come to hate her parents for various reasons that come down to paranoia and/or jealousy. One weekend I dared take him over to their house for a party. I insisted, against my partner's wishes. We were bombarded with messages the whole time we were there. What time are you coming home? You said you'd be home by now! (at the time we said we'd leave, not the time was said we'd be home). And when we got home we had a terrible row.

The atmosphere continued to be horrible for the next two days just because we'd been to Kate's. "Why did you go? I hate [Kate's mum and dad]!". "Just because you hate them, doesn't mean we have to hate them! Kate's nine years old, do you hate her too?" "Yes!" And then on the third day I get a call from the hospital. My partner had got into an altercation outside the school gates and with Kate's parents. And thrown a punch. My partner had to be physically restrained by other parents, with our son and Kate's three-year-old sister crying. There were twenty witnesses, and every one of them says my partner started it. There's no grey area here. One of the people defended themselves with an umbrella and my partner was bleeding profusely. There was a trail of blood visible in the street. My partner nearly lost a finger, and had to have surgery and stay overnight in hospital. The first time my child ever had to go a night without both his parents at home.

I had to placate the other family and convince them not to take legal action.

After this incident, I told my partner I couldn't take it any more. I remember yelling "you could have been arrested, you could have been gone to jail!".

I said I felt we had to break up. And that prompted some repentance, at least on the surface. We agreed that my partner would go to anger management/therapy.

But almost straight away, the process was undermined.

The first therapist sent my partner home with a note saying they couldn't continue treatment for ethical reasons. Because when asked "why are you here?" the therapist just got a shrug and "I dunno, my partner is making me come". Then we found another. There was one session. Then that therapist moved offices and it was "too difficult to get there on public transport". Then there was another, who managed one session, then apparently said to call back in December. And when called back in December, was on holiday. I don't believe a word of this, honestly.

The thing is, this assault happened in April.

The christmas/new year season has made me remember that we had a deal. And it got broken, not overtly but with lots of little betrayals, over the better part of this whole year.

If I didn't have a child, I would happily never see this person again. I would start my life all over again in an empty room with a mattress on the floor and be happy. This person is a stranger to me. A hateful stranger. But on the other hand we both love our child and I want him to have a stable life. But on the other other hand, what messages are we sending him about relationships? I feel like it's a terrible, insoluble puzzle. Can't bear to leave, but I will never be happy if I stay. But to stay is to give in to the abusive behaviour and teach my child that that's an acceptable way to live your life.

It sounds like you have hit a wall. I don't often say this, but get some legal advice with a view to leaving your partner and having your son living with you. Make sure you are honest with the lawyer about whatever allegations you think your partner will make against you (true or not). It might be helpful to think about the school gates and whether any one individual (Kate's parents?) might be willing to make a statement or even press charges, but i do mean just think about it - get legal advice before you make a single move in that direction. Also advice about perhaps getting character witness statements from other people about you - perhaps your boss, ex-partners? I hope the lawyer will advise you to get these statements in place before you start the process of leaving, because when the shit hits the fan and the allegations start to fly, some people WILL turn against you. Get some advice now and if you don't like or feel comfortable with the lawyer, don't just carry on (as you have got used to doing at home), talk to another one. If money is an issue, would your parents help?

There is enough Bollocks on this site without people deliberately trying to fire up the "women abuse too" arguments

Yes, we know this, so the best thing to do is be clear about the situation in the first place.

Otherwise, as has happened here, you lose (at least part of) your audience and hence your support.

Hissy, it matters in that the advice you would give to a female victim in the UK is completely different to the advice you would give to a male victim either in the UK or elsewhere.
For one thing, if the mother is the primary carer it's not as simple as telling a man he needs to leave with the kids/make her leave, especially if there is no police record of the abuse. You know that. And if they are in another country it's really relevant to have an idea of the legal and cultural systems of that country before advising.

good grief how can you think this environment is the best thing for a child?

I think the OP is genuine, and is not trying to goad. Uk based advice can generally be translated to other countries.

OP you have tried long and hard. Your wife has no desire to change or insight that she's wrong. Your son will be harmed emotionally and possibly physically if you stay together. He will have a terrible model for his own adult relationships. Take him and leave as soon as you can. You have plenty of evidence to show why she shouldn't get residence.

You and the son you love will be happier. Please leave.

I think those who have advised you to seek a consultation with an expert in family law are giving you good advice. It sounds like you are in a horrendous situation and I think the best thing for you, and probably for your son, would be for you and your wife to separate. However I think you need to be prepared for the process to not be as smooth as getting out and taking your son. It may be that you do not have sufficient objective evidence of abuse to gain sole custody. You have said that your wife would give a very different account of the relationship and state that you are the abusive one so you'll need to be prepared to defend yourself against this. The incident at the school does sound awful but again I'd ask how you know there were no grey areas to it? Your wife needed hospitalisation and I wonder whether the twenty independent witness have each told you this directly or is it more a case of Kate's parents saying that 'everyone' agreed that your wife started it, even so would they be prepared to make statements to the police? I'm just wondering whether this incident may not prove as detrimental to her case as it may first appear. I really hope that you can move on from this relationship and that things work out well for you and your son, none should have to live with abuse.

Uk based advice can generally be translated to other countries.

Relationship advice, sure, but it sounds from the OP as though he knows the situation is unsustainable.

Everything else not so much. In some countries there is a presumption that any children stay with the father if they're over 7 (I think Lebanon is one of them). In others like the US there's not much of a welfare state happening. If he left with the child, what benefits would he be entitled to? Could he get priority housing as he has a child? Would his workplace be required to be flexible if he becomes his son's primary carer? Would his wife be able to pursue residence / contact orders? Are there refuges set up for men in his area? Is there a telephone advice service? Would mediation be insisted on in the event of a divorce / child dispute? Who bears costs? What if any ancillary relief would each party be entitled to in the event of him divorcing her and being primary carer of the child? All of this I could give hypothetical answers to based on UK law but I wouldn't have a clue if it were elsewhere.

Forums are useful for experience based advice - crowd-sourced knowledge, based on what others there know from their experiences. Not suggesting he shouldn't post here by any means, but a man outside the UK will get less than a UK woman from a forum populated by (mostly) women in the UK.

Neutron you are being abused, it does not matter if your male, the same applies. You need to get away and make a safe life with your ds. Contact Mankind the abuse charity for men or Womans Aid they could help you.

If a child is being subjected to this kind of shite then to be honest it matters not a fucking jot if that is from the primary carer or not, the OTHER parent has to have the responsibility to make sure their child is cared for and removed from that toxic environment.

There should be no gender difference here, the child is the child and has no power to get themselves out of the situation.

NeutronBombe if you can tell us where you are, there will be MNers that can help advise on things local to you (i hope) you can get a lot of online advice and you at least know that you need to do something, that leaving this situation as it is will harm your child.

You have taken the first step, and that is brilliant.

Please know that this is not your fault, your DW is choosing to abuse you and your son, but you can choose to save yourself and him. At least now there are witnesses to her behaviour, you know that you are believed and people will help and support you.

This is the beginning of your journey, but is a journey you MUST take. there is no other option.

I said I felt we had to break up. And that prompted some repentance, at least on the surface. We agreed that my partner would go to anger management/therapy.

Please know that there is no anger management problem here, therapy won't work. this woman is abusive, aggressive and won't change. well, unless you count the fact that she will only ever get worse.

What happens when she loses it with your DS? who will pull her off then?

you need to get your son away from this situation. please keep posting/reading. let us help you find the strength to save yourself and your son?

You are doing your so harm by STAYING.

Really really badly.

You have list your sense of judgement. You need to get out desperately.

When she said that about murdering you is very concerning, I read of an abused man who was murdered by his female partner.